I’m Distracted, But Not By The Sirens

In the Enchanted Forest (EF) past, it’s a dark and foggy night on the Jolly Roger. We learn that Hook has a very long-range plan wherein he has become Pan’s delivery boy so that Pan will eventually tell Hook how to defeat Rumple. (So maybe they’re in Neverland? I can’t tell.) A mermaid’s song entrances the crew and The Jolly Roger comes very close to a Titanic situation. Hook avoids the danger thanks to some very deft one-handed maneuvering at the helm.

Young Ursula and her father, Poseidon, argue over why she let the Jolly Roger go. Seems sailors caused the death of Mrs. Poseidon and the Mr. is after vengeance. Young Ur inherited her beautiful voice from her mom and wants to honor her by, you know, not using it to kill people.

In Storybrooke present, Ursula stands outside Gold’s cabin remembering her glory days as she listens to some operatic music. Inside, the torture of August begins. Well, they never actually have to torture him. (I’m glad. Don’t need to see that.) Regina gets a message to Hook, David, Mary Margaret (MM), and Emma by taking over MM’s body with purple smoke and speaking directly to them. She tells them Gold is back in town and his plan includes more than finding the Author. He won’t tell her what it is so it must be BAD!!!

Our “heroes†go to tell Belle that—to no one’s surprise but her own—she’s been duped into giving the dagger to Gold. Real Hook says he can get Ursula to tell them Gold’s plan in exchange for giving back her happy ending.

In Gold’s cabin, Regina shows August the picture of herself and Robin Hood and August shows Regina that he remembers everything that happened when he was little Pinocchio. Regina thinks August is hiding something. Given the way Regina yelled at him when he was little, I can’t say I blame him. Ursula heads outside because Hook has a dog whistle for mermaids and he’s calling her. They strike a deal: her happy ending for Gold’s real plan.

In the Enchanted Forest (EF) past, Ursula mesmerizes all the drunks in a tavern with her singing. She and Hook get to talking. Ur ran (er, swam) away from home. She stole her father’s “turn-fins-into-legs†bracelet and made her way to shore to become a singing sensation. Hook says he’ll help her get work in a more upscale venue by sailing her to a land where she can be a STAH!

In Storybrooke present, Hook needs to get the Jolly Roger back to help Ursula get her happy ending. But the ship is in the EF. Ursula uses her tentacles to open a portal.

In the EF past, Hook is overpowered and kidnapped for the umpteenth time since he became a series regular and is dragged onto his ship by the minions of Poseidon. (FINions?) Poseidon tells Hook to get away from his daughter and gives Hook a shell which will take away Ursula’s singing voice and get her to come back home. Hook says no. Poseidon ups the ante: he’ll give Hook squid ink which will paralyze Rumple if Hook will perform a singing voice-ectomy on Ursula to prove how awful humans are.

In Storybrooke present, Ur and Hook need Will’s help. Belle wants to know how she can be sure it’s really Hook. Hook says what we’re all thinking: “Now you question my identity.†Hook shows Will the Jolly Roger, which has been reduced to a ship in the bottle. When Will comments on its tininess, Hook responds with a heavy-handed double entendre: “Careful, it’s unwise to insult the size of a pirate’s ship.†You can do better than that, my bawdy buccaneer.

Having spent a lot of time in Wonderland (‘Memba the spinoff!), Will has just the ship Viagra Hook needs.

Over the in the woods, Regina is reunited with Robin only to have the Evil Queen fire bomb them. Because this is a dream, see? Hmmmm, what would Dr. Hopper say about that?

Gold comes back to his cabin with a potion that turns August into wood. In the woods, Emma uses some violent imagery that worries Dave and MM because of last week’s implication that Emma’s going to go bad.

In the cabin, we see that the whole August-turning-to-wood thing is temporary. He reverts to human form. Long-term, it makes his nose grow when he lies which makes questioning way easier. Gold holds August’s nose to the fire and interrogates him making August confess that he knows the Sorcerer trapped the author behind a door which is somewhere in Storybrooke. He also tries to throw Regina under the bus by telling everyone Regina knows about the door. (See, Regina? You should have been nicer to little Pinocchio.) Regina worms her way out of the accusation saying the drawing was on a piece of paper she gave Henry.

Gold gets Cruella to watch the prisoner and makes Regina come along with him and Mal to find the door. I guess since he’s the Dark One he gets to be the boss of everyone. Meanwhile, in the Storybrooke harbor, the Jolly Roger grows to full size.

In the EF past, Hook tells Ursula about her father’s plan to steal her singing voice. Hook and Ur come to an agreement to work together. Hook won’t steal her voice and Ur will steal her father’s squid ink.

In Storybrooke present, Hook and Ursula board the Jolly Roger to get the voice-stealing/restoring shell. (I know my timeline is confused but there’s a fresh loaf of bread on the table in the galley. Who put it there? When? Where is that person now?) Hook and Ur don’t seem to notice. Ur tries to get her voice back, but it doesn’t work. So Ur refuses to tell Hook Gold’s evil plan. Hook aims a gun at Ur. Haven’t you learned, Hook? The rest of us know what’s coming. Ursula disarms him with a well-placed tentacle and throws him overboard.

Thankfully, Ariel comes to our inept pirate’s aid. We find out that it was Elsa who shrunk the ship because Blackbeard (whom Ariel had saved from those flesh-eating fish) was terrorizing Arendelle. Ariel ended up stuck inside the bottle as collateral damage. But where’s Blackbeard? And what about the fresh bread?

In the EF past, young Ur brings Hook his squid ink, but Poseidon again intervenes. Long story short, Po takes back the ink so Hook takes Ursula’s voice so Po can’t sink anymore ships. This time, Ur is collateral damage.

In Storybrooke present, Emma busts into Gold’s cabin to save August, but Cruella has a gun. (Because I guess she’s just an animal-whisperer with no other magic except for her sharp tongue.) MM comes up behind Cru, knocks her out with a frying pan, and delivers my Favorite Line of the Week.

MM to Emma: “First thing you learn as a bandit, the back door is usually unlocked.â€

Emma and August have a lovely reunion. Am I sensing some chemistry? I don’t think I can sit through another love triangle with this show. There’s no time for sparks to fly because Ur comes in and rings MM’s neck with her tentacle while informing everyone of Hook’s death.

In the ocean past, young Ur and her father have one last fight and Ur turns herself into the tentacle toting sea urchin we’ve come to know and love. She says she’s now more powerful than her father and the sea will be at her mercy. It’s that easy? Poor Po, he’s powerless.

In Gold’s cabin, Hook walks in on a very surprised Ur. (“Don’t you ever stop breathing?!†Hee.) Hook tells Ur she couldn’t get her voice back because only the person who enchanted the shell can do it. (How does he know that? Did Belle look it up for him?) And that’s Po’s cue to enter (in sea garb plus fur coat!) He apologizes to Ur and returns her singing voice. The two walk off into the sunset WITHOUT TELLING HOOK WHAT GOLD’S PLAN IS!!! Why???

Hook spouts something about how he almost descended into villainy again but I think that’s beside the point. You were supposed to find out the plan!!!! Run! Follow them! (Also, Cruella has escaped.) But Hook won’t because he’s telling a very slow-on-the uptake Emma that he fears losing his own happy ending, which is her!!! I suppose this is some sort of declaration of love and they share a tender kiss and I’m still at a complete loss as to why he couldn’t have done all this AFTER asking Ursula about the plan!!!

At the Sorcerer’s mansion, Regina, Gold, and Mal have come up empty looking for the magic door. Cruella tells them that Ursula is the mole much to Regina’s relief.

At the Storybrooke dock, I see that Hook’s trust in Ursula is well placed because she and her father haven’t left town yet. Ursula fulfills her end of the bargain by telling Hook that the author can’t give anyone a happy ending while they’re in Storybrooke because that’s not where the original story took place. Emma, the savior, is the happy-ending-bestower in this town. Gold’s plan is to turn Emma to darkness so she will give the villains happy endings. I'm not sure I'm following this logic correctly, but I'll play along.  Yes, Ur, that does sound bad.

In the Charming apartment, Regina tells Emma about her weird dream, then asks Emma to track Robin. August tells Regina, Emma, and Henry that the illustration IS the actual door they’re looking for. The author is trapped inside the book.

I thought this was kind of a boring episode. (Nice to see Hook and Emma get some lovey time, I guess.) I always thought Ursula was one of the weaker villains so I’m not sad to see her go. I just have a problem accepting that the loss of her singing voice is what made her so EVIL. Bit of an extreme reaction, no? Why not have a nice chat with Julie Andrews, sweetie, mmmmmkay?

Other things that distracted me and took me out of this episode:

• Ernie Hudson: He can play tyrannical Poseidon as sternly as he wants. All I can think is “Who Ya Gonna Call…….?!!â€
  
• Regina’s voice coming out of MM’s body: It just struck me as really funny so it undermined the urgency of the scene.
  
• Ursula’s tentacles: I will never not find it risqué when they come out from under her skirt.
  
• Pinocchio turning to wood and then his nose growing when he lies: I can suspend disbelief when it comes to dragons, magic, and sometimes even fairies, but Pinocchio goes too far, veering into ridiculousness.
  

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