He’s Back! (And He's Not Quite Himself)

In this week’s episode, the Terrible Trio becomes the Querulous Quartet, the Charmings continue to run around town doing absolutely nothing. And sadly, Cruella doesn’t have any clever lines. Let’s hit the major plot points, shall we?

Regina Hangs Out With A Fast Crowd

In Storybrooke present, Regina is all leathered up to go undercover and “pretend†she’s bad enough to hang with the Evil Trio. Mal, Ur, and Cru are hesitant to believe her until she drinks….whatever that is. Is it a truth serum or is it just tequila? Either way, Regina did that shot and now she’s in with the cool kids. (Remember, Storybrooke = middle school.) Why is Mal dressed like a 1940s gangster? It’s distracting me.

In the Enchanted Forest past, Regina is mad that Snow wins a lot of equestrian events. She’s also mad that Rumple isn’t teaching her dark magic fast enough. Rumple cautions that she needs more time. Regina says “Yeah, no, I’m going to see Maleficent who’ll help me.â€

Rumple magics her to Mal’s backyard and…oh look! A burning bush! Well this show’s lifted the Frankenstein story (not a fairytale), might as well take from the bible too (some think it’s a fairytale, but this is no place to get into a religious discussion). But no, this burning bush is not that burning bush. It’s what happens when Maleficent sets things on fire. She’s so powerful, things burn for decades.

In Storybrooke present, Emma is displeased with her parents’ plan for Regina to go undercover. She knows the kind of brain trust she’s working with here. She’s right, because Regina is an hour late for her appointed check-in time….

…. because she is out with her new friends who have a fun game of chicken they play on the railroad tracks. (Storybrooke has a railroad? Where does it go? Do the people on it from the outside world just go blank as they go through town? So many questions.) Whoever is the first to magic them out of the way of the train is the loser. Oh, Regina, these girls are bad news. Make good choices!!! And Regina does, sort of. She magics them off the tracks. Which means the witches don’t die, but Mal loses the bet and owes Cru a piece of jewelry, which she hands over immediately.

In Gold’s shop, Henry is still going over the storybook trying to glean information about the author. Clearly, Mary Margaret (MM) is not giving enough homework. At Granny’s, Emma and Hook wonder where Emma is. MM and David ride around the woods and see a battered, burned car. “That’s one of my sheriff’s cars,†says David. Thanks for letting us know, sweetie, ‘cause the word “sheriff†printed on the side wasn’t enough. Ahem. Here comes Regina. And she’s hung over from her wild night with the Evil Trio. Isn’t there a spell for that?

Maleficent Goes Heroin Chic

In the EF past, Regina enters Mal’s castle without being invited. Mal’s a mess. She seems to be suffering from depression thanks to that whole Briar Rose thing. But she’s using sleeping potion mixed with sea water and toad stools to “take the edge off.â€

In Storybrooke present, the Evil Trio visits Gold in his log cabin. (Has he always had a log cabin? Is this where he took Belle’s father to beat him senseless back a few seasons?) They discuss Regina’s return to the dark side and the war they’re about to start in town. It must be So. Freaking. Exhausting. living there.

In the EF past, Regina meets a traveler who tells her about Aurora’s upcoming nuptials. That is one happy ending to many for Regina who goes off the deep end, storms back into Mal’s castle and orders her to get a grip. Regina promises to help Mal get her evil groove back. Can I just pause for a moment to appreciate how Lana Parilla pitches her voice just a touch higher for these flashback scenes? Not too much, just enough to get across that she’s her younger self. Nice job.

In Storybrooke present, Regina cleans out the crypt after last night’s rave. Mal offers her some aspirin. Mal doesn’t seem the worse for wear but as we’ve seen, she’s built up a tolerance. Mal tells Regina she’s after the author as well. In the library, MM, David, Emma, and Hook enter the library for the loudest, most crowded secret meeting ever. Which brings me to My Favorite Line of the Episode:

Regina: “I see you brought the entire Charming softball team, and their pirate mascot.â€

They try to talk Regina out of her undercover project. Failing that, Emma says she’s going to tail Regina to make sure she’s safe. So, when Regina gets into Cru’s creepy, magic, driverless car with Mal, Emma is right behind them.

Belle Gets Her Stupid Back

At Granny’s Belle is having her cake and trying to get Will to eat it too, when a very cranky Hook joins them. Hook wants a private audience with Belle so they head over to the library to talk about the Evil Trio. Seems Hook is worried that the ladies will go after the Dark One dagger. Belle catastrophizes about all the horrible things that could happen if the witches get their hands on the dagger. Hook says, don’t worry, I’m great at burying treasure. Just give it to me.

Meanwhile, Emma continues to follow the dalmationmobile to Marco’s house where Regina and Mal plan to kidnap Pinocchio to try to get him to talk about the author. Regina says she tried that already. Mal replies that she didn’t try hard enough.

In the EF past, Regina tells Mal to shape up and get dressed, but the horned hat is not enough and Mal chokes when faced with King Stefan and his men. Regina and Mal are taken prisoner.

In Storybrooke present, Marco and Pinocchio put the finishing touches on a rocking horse that is way too small for the real boy. Regina walks in and puts them to sleep so she can avoid pushback while kidnapping Pinocchio. Emma comes in to see what Regina’s up to and they have the longest conversation ever had by two people who are trying not to get caught. Didn’t Mal see Emma go into the shed? Isn’t she wondering what’s taking Regina so long?

In the EF past, Regina helps Mal defeat Stefan’s men. Mal dragonizes again!

In Storybrooke present, Regina loses that albatross Emma by dropping her GPS-activated phone so Emma can’t follow her.

In the EF past, Regina and Mal easily neutralize a very assertive Aurora.

In what appears to be the Storybrooke present warehouse district, Belle digs up the Dark One dagger. Belle hesitates to give it to Hook. What if Gold is in town? The dagger is Belle’s only protection. So Hook tells Belle to use the dagger to command Gold to show up. He doesn’t. So, Belle thinks all is well and leaves the dagger with Hook who she thinks will dispense with it. But instead of dispensing, Hook grins an evil grin and turns back into who he really is: Gold!!!

Seriously Belle, I know you and Hook have shared some sweet times discussing how Gold wronged you both, but why would you let someone else have the dagger? Why?

Oh, here’s why. Belle is blinded by her new infatuation. Back at Gold’s shop, Gold-as-Hook comes in as Belle gets all dreamy-eyed over a flower from Will. Gold-as-Hook wants to swear a “pirate’s oath†that they’ll never tell anyone (or mention it to each other even) about the dagger’s new hiding spot. This is because

a) Gold doesn’t want Belle telling anyone in town, particularly real Hook, about the dagger transfer; and

he wants to feel Belle up because apparently a pirate’s oath involves some over-the-blouse action.

Gold-as-Hook asks Belle about her relationship with Will. Don’t ask if you can’t handle the answer, Gold! I’m getting shivers about what he’ll do when he runs into Will. Outside the shop, Hook turns back into Gold. Right there, outside, on Main Street! No one pays attention in this town, do they?

In the EF past, Regina has sleeping-cursed Snow’s horse and come back under the tutelage of Rumple who is going to teach her how to take away everything Snow loves.

In Storybrooke present at Gold’s cabin, Regina finds out Gold’s back in town. Gold uses the dagger to transform little Pinocchio into big August so he can torture him and get information about The Author.

Well, this is certainly going to freak out Marco.

I have to say, I’m a little bit peeved that Gold just turned himself into Hook willy nilly. Didn’t he think Belle hated Hook? He was out of town when they bonded over hating Gold. Also, going forward, how do we know any of the characters are who they say they are? This is a convenient device that the writers can always use to get out of a jam. Do you agree? Join us in the forums to discuss: http://www.freejinger.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=13046&sid=e0bc795a232a5a987418242f4b9c6381&start=80