The Three Amigas

It’s 2:38 a.m. and Mary Margaret’s (MM) having a nightmare. The Witches Triumvirate (Cruella, Maleficent, and Ursula) has come to take her baby. Given her history with evil queens, it’s not surprising. Ooooh, baby Prince Neal is adorbs!!! David can’t sleep either with the villains in town. What’s he drinking? Is that scotch? What the hell did these two do the Evil Trio that they’re so worried about this?

In the Enchanted Forest (EF) past, the Charmings return from their honeymoon to find the whole castle under a sleeping curse. They’re quick to blame Regina, but they’re wrong. It’s the other witches in town—and they want to make a deal.

In Storybrooke present, the Charmings are at Granny’s. Cruella and Ursula sit at the bar while Granny passive aggressively takes her her sweet time to serve them. Will Scarlett comes in and his “usual†is ready and waiting for him, which doesn’t sit well with the dreadful duo. They’re cranky, so when Regina and Henry come in, Cru and Ur bring up her evil past. Regina sends Henry to her office, then tells the Evils to knock off the trash talk in front of her son or she will throw them out of town.

Regina reiterates to David and MM that the Cru and Ur are seeking redemption. Now, I love me some Regina, but she is being willfully stupid here. And David and MM agree with me. They want the peevish pair under 24-hour surveillance. Regina says that’s a job for the sheriff. Coincidentally, Hook and Emma are walking toward Granny’s while Cru and Ur walk away. Ursula seems to know Hook, which makes sense given their seafaring backgrounds. David hijacks Emma’s lunch date and takes her to spy on the two witches…..

….Who are at Gold’s shop where Belle threatens them the minute they enter. Girlfriend has HAD IT with evil fairytale characters. Belle wonders if the two have come to kidnap her “again.†And we come to….My Favorite Line of the Episode:

Cruella: “Did we do that? Oh, they all blur together.†It’s the accent and the “why-are-you-so-bothersome†attitude that makes it work for me.

While Cruella distracts Belle, Ursula lets one of her tentacles slither out from under her skirt. That’s sort of risqué, right? And the tentacle makes a sloshing sound. Doesn’t Belle hear it? Ur grabs a wooden box and exits with Cru.

In the caves beneath Storybrooke, Gold receives Cruella’s text: “We got it.†And speaks to an absent Maleficent that “it won’t be long now.â€

Meanwhile, Henry searches for clues from the storybook. Regina brings him his donuts. Henry’s concerned that the Evils are bullying his mom. Regina is worried she’ll never find her happy ending. Henry gives his best inspirational speech in his new low-register manly voice. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—Regina needs to stop involving Henry in her problems. Henry should be out doing pre-teenagery things, like making eyes the Little Match Girl or playing catch with Hansel or something.

But Regina continues to dwell on her own needs and notices that the Pinnochio story is printed on different paper than the rest of the book. Henry informs her that it’s because August added this story to the book. Which gives Regina the brilliant idea of interrogating Pinnochio—who was formerly August but has no memory of being August and who is now a small boy—about the book’s author.

On their stakeout, Emma wonders why her dad and mom hate Cruella and Ursula so much. David gives her a vague answer, which does not satisfy suspicious Emma.

In the EF past, the Charmings have a conference with the Three Evils. On the agenda: the Dark Curse and how to stop it. The Charmings have no good ideas, natch. Cruella says to Charming:

“If only your wits matched your looks.â€

It’s not my favorite line of the episode but I like the “I get that a lot†look on Charming’s face in response.

The Evils tell the Charmings about the Tree of Wisdom which can tell them how to avoid the curse, but the tree will only answer valiant heroes, not the Evils. The Charmings don’t want to join forces with these bitches, but what choice do they have? The kingdom is at stake!

In Storybrooke present, David and Emma make a traffic stop and search Cruella’s car. Belle has told them there’s a wooden box missing from the shop. How does she know this so quickly? That place is a hoarder’s paradise.

David searches the car (lots of unpaid parking tickets!) and pretends not to find the box. Cru and Ur have that smug look again. Emma is suspicious again. And David has stolen something from the box. It’s a totem belonging to Maleficent. David tells MM that Cru and Ur must want to use it to resurrect Mal. So they decide to go to the caverns beneath the library to get rid of Mal’s remains thus foiling the plot. Yeah. We’ll see.

In the EF past, the Charmings try to reason with the guards on the bridge crossing to the tree of wisdom. Seems they don’t take kindly to evil queens. The Charmings want to try another route. Mal has no patience for that, turns into a dragon, and roasts the guards. These bitches be crazy, but they get shit done.

In the sheriff’s office, Emma plays with her 1980’s computer, trying to download the security footage from Gold’s shop. Hook brings her grilled cheese. Emma wants to know how Hook knows Ur. Someone’s jeeeeeeeealous! Hook’s not talking and Emma is po’d.

On the street, David and MM load their truck with destroying-cremains supplies when Emma shows them the security video from Gold’s which she has somehow managed to download from the 1980s computer onto her phone. How is that possible?

Emma is as confused as I am, but not about the computer. She doesn’t understand why her parents don’t want to look into this theft or why they are going on a hike. I don’t understand why poor Ashley/Cinderella has agreed to watch baby Prince Neal. Hasn’t she spent enough time doing domestic work for other people?

At the mayor’s office, Regina browbeats Pinnochio about the book. Emma tries, but she can’t get the kid to remember either. Regina quickly loses patience, like in a “curse-casting†kind of way. Also, she makes some remarks about Pinnochio’s intelligence that are uncalled for. Marco is righteously angry. He thinks Regina doesn’t deserve a happy ending.

In the cavern below town, David and MM are walking into a trap. If I had a nickel……

In the EF past, the Charmings try to run away from the Evil Trio. They never think things through, which is why they’re always walking into traps. (Are we to believe that the three witches slept together in that tent? Cruella doesn’t seem like much of a camper to me.)

As we all knew they would, the Evil Trio follows the Charmings to the Tree of Wisdom where, it turns out, the tree won’t spill its insights for the Charmings. Maybe they’re not so valiant after all.

In the caves below Storybrooke, MM and David somehow know which particular pile of dirt, out of all the piles of dirt, belongs to Maleficent. They shoulda brought a vacuum!! But there’s no time to go back because Ursula knocks our “heroes†out with a flip of her tentacles.

In Storybrooke present Regina apologizes to Marco in his shop. Since her apology includes the words “Would you shut up and let me finish?†it doesn’t go well. Still, Marco softens. (What is it with these people giving former terrorists the benefit of the doubt?) He gives Regina August’s backpack which might provide a clue to the author’s identity. Regina leaves without saying thank you.

In the cavern, Ur and Cru taunt Gold about how Belle has forgotten him. (Bitches!)

In the EF past, Maleficent explains why the tree isn’t working: 1) Snow is pregnant and 2) baby Charming must be a real bastard if the tree won’t spill the beans. Mal predicts lots of suffering for the Charmings in the future so we cut to….

The cave under Storybrooke where Cru slices the hands of unconscious MM and David to get the blood they need for the “bring back Maleficent†spell. Poof, Mal’s back! Mal promises MM pain that is as “unyielding†as her own because of the pain MM caused her. What, Mal??!!! What did she do???!!!

MM and David decide to tell Emma their secret but don’t because they walk in on Emma saying nice things about them to Hook. Things like how they would never lie or let her down. Ouch!

MM and David tell Hook and Emma that Mal’s back.

In the EF past, Maleficent visits the Charming bedroom and has a talk with Snow—new mom to new mom. Yes, Mal is pregnant which is why she thinks it’s so important to stop the Dark Curse. Snow doesn’t want to work with a villain because she thinks it might turn her baby evil.

In Storybrooke present, MM and Regina have a secret meeting in the rainy woods to discuss Mal’s return and MM’s secret. MM wants Regina to go undercover to infiltrate the Evil Trio and find out what their plans are. MM’s secret has something to do with what she and David did to ensure that Emma was a hero, not a villain and she doesn’t want Emma to find out because it could “set her on a dark path.â€

Meanwhile, still-unsupervised Henry finds a picture from the book. It’s of a doorway and someone’s written “Author?†on it. Emma and Hook walk down the street with goofy smiles on their faces. Gold spies on Belle who’s kissing Will Scarlett. We discover that Mal’s “totem†is some sort of Goth baby rattle.

Now MM reveals to Regina that she and David are the reason Mal lost her child. See, I think this is deliberately misleading. I’m sure that we will come to find out that they didn’t cause Mal to lose this child “on purpose.†It was something they did as a reaction to something horrible that Mal did that caused the baby to be lost.

Right now for me the most pressing question is WHO IS THE FATHER OF MAL’S BABY??????

Also, going forward, I’d like to see Ursula up her game. She can’t compete with Maleficent’s evil aura (it’s the horns!) or Cruella’s biting wit. She’s going to have to do something to make her presence known.

Who’s your favorite baddie out of these three? Let us know in the forum:    http://www.freejinger.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=13046&sid=21a71f5dcc77f9d28f3912d7c697fdb0&start=80