It’s a two-hour extravaganza people! Rumple is on a mission to rule the world and Robin is on a mission to ruin one of the greatest stories of all time. Let’s jump right in!

Part 1

A long time ago in Arendelle, the Snow Queen (SQ) is high tailing it on horseback through the woods to bury the magic hat box in a cave. (She appears to be wearing jodhpurs and riding boots underneath her sparkly white dress, so don’t say she’s not practical.) Cut to the Enchanted Forest (EF) where she’s barefoot. If she’s trying to go undercover as a peasant, she should lose the dress. She visits the apprentice and, after insulting him (past his prime) and her sisters (ordinary), she attempts to barter the expensive hat for her happiness. (She wants more sisters to hang out with.)

…Which is our cue to cut to Emma in Storybrooke present who is trying to get a hold of her powers. Henry comes to find her and she accidently hurts him with her continued flailing. She makes him leave. The SQ shows up and makes things worse.

Meanwhile in the Mills mausoleum, Robin and Regina are enjoying the afterglow, and I’m not talking about all those damn candles. They both look exhausted but satisfied, ‘cause sex in a crypt is not creepy at all y’all!!! Excuse me, you two, hello? What about Robin’s ex-dead, currently frozen wife? They don’t care what I say because Robin is too busy groping Regina. They talk about “making up for mistakes.†Regina drones on about the book and her happy ending and then they do it again!!! Ick. I repeat, MARION, MARION, MARION!! (And I know I’ve mentioned that I’m not crazy about the way this character is being presented here. Still, a little respect for a legend is in order!)

Meanwhile over at Mary Margaret’s (MM) apartment, Elsa continues to look ridiculous in her blue dress. They’re also exhausted but they haven’t had a fun evening like Regina and Robin. They’ve been up all night looking for Emma. MM blames herself. (Well, she was snippy to Emma last week.) Elsa, as usual talks about herself, which gives us an opportunity to flash back….

…To Arendelle where Elsa is having the servants prepare a chocolate feast for Ana. But it’s the SQ who walks in the door instead. She’s not interested in chocolate. She tattles on Ana and the magic expensive hat and says she’s put Ana in the dungeon to prevent Ana from taking away Elsa’s magic.

In Storybrooke, Emma has caused Gold’s shop to come alive. “See?†She says. “I can’t control this magic. Can you take it from me?†This is just the opportunity Gold has been waiting for, but he plays it cool and tries not to act too eager. Then he nonchalantly says he can arrange it if she’ll meet him later, alone, in an abandoned mansion. Umm, Emma, I’m not a former bounty hunter or a current sheriff, but even I know that’s a bad idea. She is exasperating!!!!!

In Arendelle past, Elsa storms into the dungeon to see Ana and puts on a show for the guards, acting outraged. Then she dismisses them and says to Ana, “Just joshin’!! I’m really on your side.†I don’t know why we need the subterfuge. Elsa is the queen, the guards work for her, and she has her own powers to fight Ingrid/SQ. Instead of using her authority as sovereign, Elsa decides to sneak through her own castle, find the urn, and trap Ingrid in it.

In present-day MM’s apartment, everyone’s upset about Henry and, as usual, Elsa relates Emma’s situation to her own. Regina walks in with a locator potion but everyone’s distracted because her blouse is falling off. After the lovin’ one often forgets how to button. (And, because I’m more like Elsa than I care to admit, I’ll interject here that this reminds me of a situation with my college friend who came back from a date insisting all that happened was a goodnight kiss until we asked her why her bra was hanging out of her pocket.) But I digress.

Emma calls MM who apologizes for being all disapproving motherish in the last episode. Emma explains that she’s going to get rid of her powers. Everyone looks horrified. Hook lies about leaving his “talking phone†in the car, steps outside, and calls Emma to beg her not to get involved with Gold. She doesn’t pick up because you are not her priority, my sweet pirate. She’s just not that into you.

Back in Arendelle past, Elsa and Ana have enlisted Kristoff to help them search the east wing of the castle for the urn. Kristoff and Elsa have more witty repartee. Ana! Do you see? These two have serious chemistry!!! Once again, nobody’s listening to me. They’ve discovered frozen Hans in a wardrobe. How long has he been there? Why are they keeping him there? Is there a chance he’ll melt? The urn is in the same wardrobe as poor petrified Hans.

In Storybrooke present, SQ is in her fortress of solitude and gets a visit from Gold. She wonders why he’s there because she’s already told him how to free himself from the dagger. Does he simply like watching her? Oooh, that might be creepier than crypt coitus! Gold explains his plan to get Emma’s powers and he traps SQ in her fortress. She is piiiiisssed!!!

At Granny’s, Will Scarlett is having a little coffee with his alcohol when Robin ruins his liquid lunch by asking for help in finding the author of The Book. Will recommends starting with the library because even drunk, Will is smarter than Robin.

In the Charming apartment, MM mopes over a picture of Emma and the Charmings. David enters and they discuss being supportive of Emma in her quest to lose her magic. I appreciate their attempt to act like parents, but that’s a big mistake. A powerless Emma is just a bitchy, non-savior Emma. Elsa overhears them and I can tell she’s thinking the same thing.

In Arendelle past, Elsa and Ana are still skulking around their own damn castle. They come upon portraits of their parents. Ana says that their parents were humans who made mistakes and trying to get rid of Elsa’s magic was a mistake. And this is our Meaningful Interlude of the Episode. We are supposed to extrapolate this to Elsa and Emma’s situations. Thanks, writers!

That’s why we take this opportunity to cut to the Charming apartment, where Elsa steals the locator potion to find Emma and stop her from giving up her magic.

At the library, poor Will tries to pick the lock, but Robin just opens the door because it’s daytime and the library is open. Very cute, show!

Back at the Charming apartment, Regina heals Henry’s wound. Henry’s feeling insecure because of his lack of magic. Regina boosts his self-esteem, telling him he has the heart of the truest believer.

Hook bursts into Gold’s shop, and is alarmed when he sees evidence that Emma’s been there. He calls her and leaves what must be the Longest. Voicemail. Message. Ever. It’s full of confessions and apologies. How long does Emma’s voicemail run? She’ll never listen to that whole thing, Killian. Luckily, though, Gold is an idiot who left his “Map of Where I Will Be Sucking Emma Into A Hat Forever†right on the counter for Hook to see. And off our hero goes to save the day.

In the Fortress of Solitude, the SQ can’t escape Gold’s trap, but she can hologram herself to Emma and try to convince her not to give up her magic.

Part 2

In Arendelle past, Ana goes back to the dungeon, ‘cause they’re tricking the SQ, people!! That’s the plan!! And it’s a baaad plan, since it involves non-magical, not-too-sharp Ana versus super-magical, evil genius Ingrid. Apparently, no one but me sees the flaws in this strategy.

In present-day Storybrooke woods, Emma meets SQ who tries to warn her away from Gold. I know it’s confusing Emma, but this time, the SQ is right. Stay away from Gold! Pigheaded Emma ignores my advice.

At the Charming apartment, Regina has to explain to MM and David why Emma giving up her powers is a bad idea. These two are very thick and Regina is very patient. Eventually they get it. And that’s when they realize that Elsa is gone and she’s taken the locator potion with her.

In Arendelle past, Ingrid meets Ana in the dungeon and guess who wins? Ana ends up a victim of Ingrid’s magic mirror of doom—and a grouchy victim at that, but that’s probably because of all those glass shards in her eyes.

In Storybrooke present, Emma pulls up to the abandoned manse which is shrouded in fog, and yet this foreboding place doesn’t trigger her Spidey sense. Siiiigh.

The Charmings, Regina, and Henry track Emma through the woods. Regina and Snow have a quiet moment alone to talk about hope, forgiveness, and how people can change. Snow equates herself as a bratty child with Regina as a murderous queen. I’m going to let that one go because I assume that Snow’s brain is postpartum-ly fried and also that she is very uncomfortable because, doesn’t she have to nurse that baby?? If my timeline is correct, she hasn’t seen him in at least 24 hours.

Back at the library, Will discovers pop-up books and Robin discovers a missing page from The Book in his satchel. The page shows Regina and Robin in an embrace. Robin calls Regina and she rushes to be with her boyfriend, thereby leaving Emma in the lurch in the mysterious manse with Gold.

Gold opens the magical hat box thus setting up the expensive hat to suck Emma in. (My husband certainly got sucked in by it.) He walks into the hallway to trick Emma into opening the door to the sucking-hat room. Gold plays it cool again, not too desperate to have Emma go in. Considering how much he wants this, he’s got nerves of steel. He talks about how Emma always does the right thing.

Gold heads outside and runs into Hook, who has finally shown up. As was the case with Ana, I think we all know how this is going to end. And we are right, because Hook ends up tied to the gate yelling at Gold.

Now Elsa shows up at the house, and, in spite of her stupid plan in Arendelle, I have hopes that she will save Emma from herself. (But I still don’t understand how freezing a locked door gets it to open. Wouldn’t it have the opposite effect?)

In Arendelle past, sinister, shard-eyed Ana comes into Elsa’s chocolate feast spewing venom about how Elsa wronged her. Ingrid enters and says “See? I told you Ana is a bitch who hates you because you’re magical.†Ana sucks Elsa into the urn and immediately regrets it, as does Ingrid, because this is not what she had planned.

Ingrid moves to kill Ana just as Kristoff comes in with an ax which he foolishly thinks will work against a magical snow witch. Ingrid whines about how eventually everyone sees her as a monster before freezing both Ana and Kristoff. When the whole room—and the whole countryside—freezes over, Ingrid looks shocked at the magnitude of her own power. She vows to find the “third sister.â€

So, obviously, we cut to Emma, who’s hemming and hawing about entering the expensive hat trap. Elsa comes in and emotes about the scariness of uncontrolled magic, and how it’s not enough that others accept them, they have to accept themselves too. She takes Emma’s hand and lo and behold, Emma gains control of her magic. Disaster averted—thanks Elsa!

Gold’s not thankful though, he is furious. Hook laughs at him. Oh, my handsome pirate, come on! You know that’s not smart. Hook finds out soon enough, because Gold rips out his heart, which he needs to cast the spell to disconnect himself from the Dark One Dagger. Now, not only does Gold have Hook’s heart, he’s also got control over Hook. I cannot comprehend how Hook survived hundreds of years of swashbuckling with only one lost hand.

In Arendelle past, Rumple meets SQ in the ice-covered banquet room. He wants his expensive hat. (Can’t say I blame him.) He steals the urn and Ana’s snowflake necklace. And we learn that this is when SQ wiped Elsa’s memory. Rumple says he’ll give SQ the urn when she gives him the hat. When she’s ready, Ingrid need only say his name three times and he’ll appear.

In Storybrooke present, Gold has left and Hook enters the vacant mansion and tries to eat Emma’s face off. He’s been through a lot and he’s really happy to see her. She suspects something’s up and still she doesn’t question why Hook lags behind as she and Elsa exit. Hook grabs the magical hatbox, because I guess it’s his job to fill it with power now. He thinks he’s hiding it beneath his jacket. We all see it, Killian. You’re not fooling anyone.

At Storybrooke library, Robin Hood is trying so hard to concentrate on the fairytale book, I think his brain might explode. Regina enters and he shows her the illustration of the Robin/Regina kiss back at the EF tavern in the past. It’s marked page 23. There’s already a page 23 in the book. The original page 23 shows Regina walking away without meeting Robin. Robin tells us we are to take this as a sign that Regina can always change her story. Regina is touched, Robin is horny, and we’ve got ourselves a library lip lock.

Back at the fortress of solitude, Gold’s spell is weakening and SQ is able to get free. She magics one of the yellow ribbons onto her wrist. And the other two have disappeared!

In Arendelle past, SQ goes to the cave to retrieve the magical hatbox and trade it for the urn. She says Rumple’s name twice before she’s interrupted by the apprentice. He tells her that the third sister SQ seeks hasn’t been born yet. He assures her that the sorcerer can help her find happiness, but Rumple never will. Elizabeth Mitchell does a really good job here looking vulnerable, skeptical, and hopeful all at once.

The apprentice magics up a door for Ingrid to enter and tells her that her “happy ending awaits†on the other side if she’ll give up the magic hat box. The hat box is very important to the sorcerer. SQ hands over the hatbox. The apprentice hands over a scroll which will lead SQ to her sister.

SQ goes through the magical door. What awaits her isn’t so much a happy ending as it is a cacophonous, crowded city street. Ingrid must be a city girl at heart, though, because she seems enchanted by the whole thing. The crowd must be enchanted as well because not a single person notices the lady in the white sparkly gown with the plunging neckline. (And is she still barefoot?)

At the Storybrooke abandoned manse, the Charmings and Henry greet Emma and everyone’s thrilled she kept her magic. Emma uses that magic to make fireworks. Yay! But no! Spoke too soon! Elsa and Emma both notice that they’re wearing yellow ribbons on their wrists. Then they both get magic-sapping stomach aches.

Gold visits SQ in the fortress of solitude and he is NOT happy. But SQ is. She’s winning. She has the power of Elsa and Emma and she can defeat all of Storybrooke. Then she gets up in Gold’s face, and she’s so close and breathy I think they’re going to do it right there on the icy floor. Gold’s not in the mood though and he storms away as SQ calls after him not to underestimate her power. Then she heads back to her magic mirror of doom, magically breaks it, and sets her spell in motion.

So, viewers, what have we learned? I think the moral of this week’s story is the importance of accepting people and their individual gifts. And also accepting ourselves and embracing our differences. So now that we’re through with that middle school lesson, I once again have lots of questions. Is the sorcerer the author of the book? Why is the author of the book playing with these people’s lives? Is Ingrid being barefoot supposed to tell us something? Is it a symbol of Ingrid’s overall hotness even when walking through the snow? And where the hell is Ana?

If you think you know the answers to these questions, or if you have questions of your own, head on over the forum at:                    http://www.freejinger.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=13046&start=60