Jump to content
  • Sky
  • Blueberry
  • Slate
  • Blackcurrant
  • Watermelon
  • Strawberry
  • Orange
  • Banana
  • Apple
  • Emerald
  • Chocolate
  • Charcoal

Paradigm Lost

Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    10
  • comments
    12
  • views
    1,337

Close Your Eyes and Think of Jesus

Sign in to follow this  
Lisafer

424 views

This blog post may be a little more vague than my others, as I'm not sure exactly how much detail I want to get into regarding my personal experience of sexuality as I grew up fundie Calvinist. But I do think it's an important subject, and I've seen so many questions on FJ about different fundies and how they understand and experience sex. I can't speak to each family, of course, but I'm reasonably certain that my upbringing was not far from the fundie norm.

So to start: sex education. We didn't have any. Or, more accurately, when I was 11 years old I was given a pamphlet called Almost 12 by Kenneth Taylor, which is still available on Amazon. It had very minimal information, and my mother glued black construction paper over the two-page illustration that, I assume, was of naked people. I had no discussion of the book with my parents: I think my mother asked if I had any questions, and I said no. Of course I said no; I was mortified. 

So I had some idea that "sex" involved putting a penis inside a vagina (no idea of any actual mechanics, positions, etc.). Also "petting" and kissing before marriage was bad and wrong, and that courtship was the God-approved way to find a marriage partner. I read so many books on courtship, although I blessedly escaped Josh Harris' semenal work (yes, I made a pun, sue me). Josh Harris was actually a second wave for us; my younger siblings read his book, I think. I remember some of the books I read: Jeff McLean: His Courtship (Castleberry), Dear Princess (Landis), and some crap by Doug Wilson. 

The church I grew up in had no position on courtship or dating. Premarital sex was taboo, of course. The pastor and his wife taught abstinence courses in the local schools, so they were pretty adamant about waiting until marriage. It was my parents who pushed the idea that daughters should submit to their fathers in everything, including choice of marriage partner. They had a lot of books on Dominionism and Reconstructionism, which are so anti-women's rights it's not even funny. I devoured those books; I'm not sure what that says about my self-esteem at the time. 

When I started getting periods, I told my mother that I was bleeding. I knew what it was, but I was embarrassed to tell her. She said "Oh, you must be getting your..." and trailed off, and my idea that menstruation was embarrassing was reinforced. I knew where the pads were: we didn't use tampons as that might break your hymen, which was your proof of virginity. 

Some of my younger sisters ended up coming to me for their periods/problems with their periods, and I helped them as best I could. I studied enough science to have a pretty good idea about what was going on during a woman's cycle during my teen years. I still had no real understanding of sex. My doctor suggested putting me on birth control for my irregular, painful periods, and I wouldn't take birth control because it "could cause abortions." (I knew I couldn't get pregnant without having sex, but I still saw BC as evil). 

From a very young age, I had realized that rubbing myself in certain areas felt good, and I did that for years. I had a sense that it was not an approved activity, so I did it privately, with feelings of guilt that I did not understand. I did not know there was a word for it, or that it was a sexual activity, or what an orgasm was when I first had one. But when I was 16 I came across the word "masturbation" and looked it up secretly in the dictionary. I was horrified to find that I had been engaging in a sexual activity outside of marriage. I wasn't sure that I could be considered a virgin anymore, and I was afraid that no good Christian man would want me after what I had done. I went cold turkey off the masturbation for years, riddled with secret shame. 

Even after I started becoming less fundie, it took years for me to let go of the sex guilt that I had grown up with. Now I embrace my sexuality. I've gone from thinking "penis" is a bad word to writing erotic stories and selling them online, and I definitely know how the Legos fit together, haha. And I'm happy to say that my siblings, for the most part, also refused to stay repressed. 

If there's a moral to this story, it's probably that if you have kids, you need to help them understand sex and sexuality. Make sure they know about consent, protection, STDs, pregnancy, anatomy, periods, masturbation, nocturnal emissions, same-sex attraction, bisexuality, asexuality, porn, and whatever else they might need to know to be safe, sane, consenting, kind, knowledgeable people in their sex lives. I look back at my lack of education and the sexual taboos I grew up with, and wonder how I got out of it without even more significant damage. (I do have some issues that I'm not comfortable sharing on a public forum, but I've read things about other people's difficulties that are much worse). 

I know that sexual repression can occur without fundamentalist Christian beliefs. I think my family would have been secretive and embarrassed about these subjects even without the fundamentalism. But the fundamentalism added a huge dose of guilt and shame to everything, along with homophobic religious beliefs and forbidding any sexual outlet outside of marriage. It's more difficult to let go of certain teachings when you're afraid of God and Hell. 

I hope this was helpful, or informative, or mildly interesting. Fundamentalist Christianity can go fuck itself. 

 

 

  • Upvote 6
  • Love 2
Sign in to follow this  


0 Comments


Recommended Comments

There are no comments to display.

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Posts

    • Red Hair, Black Dress

      Posted

      Eric Hoover has the patented "Doug Phillips Vision Forum Wide Stance" (TM)

      • Rufus Bless 1
    • Jasmar

      Posted

      I loved the shout-outs to all kinds of cultural icons. They were usually very clever and entertaining, not just drivel for the little kids.

    • JermajestyDuggar

      Posted

      I can’t say how many times I’ve seen people who have adopted overseas say they were not aware of or not told of a child’s special need, disability, etc before they adopted. You have to go into it knowing you don’t have the full story. You have to go into knowing this child might have some pretty severe special needs and praying won’t fix it. 

    • Pecansforeveryone

      Posted

      Plus Jim Bob and Austin's parents are friends aren't they? They wereCV on World's Strictest Parents. Yeah, I doubt JB is worried about Austin rebelling. Plus, if someone who is able to support themselves leaves the show, what  is he going to do about it anyway?

    • Trying to understand

      Posted

      Quote

       

      I’ve watched quite a few videos over the past couple of days. I’m not a professional and do not know this family or this child.  However I do work with people with disabilities and have seen all kinds of brain damage and levels of autism.  From what I can see it appears Huxley has severe autism and mild brain damage as well.  When most people hear autism they think of aTemple Grandin, or the movie “Rainman”.  Severe autism is not “cool” or “fun and quirky “ it is heartbreaking.  Severe autism means the individual is nonverbal, and usually doesn’t communicate at all, by any means. They cannot express themselves and as a result often have severe outbursts.  I have seen refrigerators tipped over, have had co- workers have their noses and arms broken by clients.  I have had conversations with parents who have said “ I will never know if my child loves me” and one haunting time an adoptive parent of an adult say “ if I could go back in time I wouldn’t have adopted him, it’s my biggest regret”  I have watched adult siblings struggle with caring for their sibling after parents passed away, not actually knowing how to care for their sister and as a result were emotionally spent.  Severe autism is complicated, hard and draining for care takers.  It also is beautiful. One young man a care for has a smile that reaches your soul, another arranges all his things by color and it always makes me smile. Another doesn’t let the fact that he can’t communicate stop him from getting what he wants, and walks behind the snack counter at the movie theater to get his own popcorn.  I absolutely love my job, but I have seen how hard it is for families.  I don’t condone them giving him back, they should have researched more before they got him, they shouldn’t have had a baby after him. They did everything wrong, but they couldn’t give him the care he needs or deserved. Hopefully he is with a family that will love him even if he can’t show them the love back, hopefully he will get the right kind of therapy. I think he is better off. 

      • Upvote 1
      • Love 1


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.