Jump to content
  • Sky
  • Blueberry
  • Slate
  • Blackcurrant
  • Watermelon
  • Strawberry
  • Orange
  • Banana
  • Apple
  • Emerald
  • Chocolate
  • Charcoal

Paradigm Lost

Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    10
  • comments
    12
  • views
    810

Close Your Eyes and Think of Jesus

Sign in to follow this  
Lisafer

228 views

This blog post may be a little more vague than my others, as I'm not sure exactly how much detail I want to get into regarding my personal experience of sexuality as I grew up fundie Calvinist. But I do think it's an important subject, and I've seen so many questions on FJ about different fundies and how they understand and experience sex. I can't speak to each family, of course, but I'm reasonably certain that my upbringing was not far from the fundie norm.

So to start: sex education. We didn't have any. Or, more accurately, when I was 11 years old I was given a pamphlet called Almost 12 by Kenneth Taylor, which is still available on Amazon. It had very minimal information, and my mother glued black construction paper over the two-page illustration that, I assume, was of naked people. I had no discussion of the book with my parents: I think my mother asked if I had any questions, and I said no. Of course I said no; I was mortified. 

So I had some idea that "sex" involved putting a penis inside a vagina (no idea of any actual mechanics, positions, etc.). Also "petting" and kissing before marriage was bad and wrong, and that courtship was the God-approved way to find a marriage partner. I read so many books on courtship, although I blessedly escaped Josh Harris' semenal work (yes, I made a pun, sue me). Josh Harris was actually a second wave for us; my younger siblings read his book, I think. I remember some of the books I read: Jeff McLean: His Courtship (Castleberry), Dear Princess (Landis), and some crap by Doug Wilson. 

The church I grew up in had no position on courtship or dating. Premarital sex was taboo, of course. The pastor and his wife taught abstinence courses in the local schools, so they were pretty adamant about waiting until marriage. It was my parents who pushed the idea that daughters should submit to their fathers in everything, including choice of marriage partner. They had a lot of books on Dominionism and Reconstructionism, which are so anti-women's rights it's not even funny. I devoured those books; I'm not sure what that says about my self-esteem at the time. 

When I started getting periods, I told my mother that I was bleeding. I knew what it was, but I was embarrassed to tell her. She said "Oh, you must be getting your..." and trailed off, and my idea that menstruation was embarrassing was reinforced. I knew where the pads were: we didn't use tampons as that might break your hymen, which was your proof of virginity. 

Some of my younger sisters ended up coming to me for their periods/problems with their periods, and I helped them as best I could. I studied enough science to have a pretty good idea about what was going on during a woman's cycle during my teen years. I still had no real understanding of sex. My doctor suggested putting me on birth control for my irregular, painful periods, and I wouldn't take birth control because it "could cause abortions." (I knew I couldn't get pregnant without having sex, but I still saw BC as evil). 

From a very young age, I had realized that rubbing myself in certain areas felt good, and I did that for years. I had a sense that it was not an approved activity, so I did it privately, with feelings of guilt that I did not understand. I did not know there was a word for it, or that it was a sexual activity, or what an orgasm was when I first had one. But when I was 16 I came across the word "masturbation" and looked it up secretly in the dictionary. I was horrified to find that I had been engaging in a sexual activity outside of marriage. I wasn't sure that I could be considered a virgin anymore, and I was afraid that no good Christian man would want me after what I had done. I went cold turkey off the masturbation for years, riddled with secret shame. 

Even after I started becoming less fundie, it took years for me to let go of the sex guilt that I had grown up with. Now I embrace my sexuality. I've gone from thinking "penis" is a bad word to writing erotic stories and selling them online, and I definitely know how the Legos fit together, haha. And I'm happy to say that my siblings, for the most part, also refused to stay repressed. 

If there's a moral to this story, it's probably that if you have kids, you need to help them understand sex and sexuality. Make sure they know about consent, protection, STDs, pregnancy, anatomy, periods, masturbation, nocturnal emissions, same-sex attraction, bisexuality, asexuality, porn, and whatever else they might need to know to be safe, sane, consenting, kind, knowledgeable people in their sex lives. I look back at my lack of education and the sexual taboos I grew up with, and wonder how I got out of it without even more significant damage. (I do have some issues that I'm not comfortable sharing on a public forum, but I've read things about other people's difficulties that are much worse). 

I know that sexual repression can occur without fundamentalist Christian beliefs. I think my family would have been secretive and embarrassed about these subjects even without the fundamentalism. But the fundamentalism added a huge dose of guilt and shame to everything, along with homophobic religious beliefs and forbidding any sexual outlet outside of marriage. It's more difficult to let go of certain teachings when you're afraid of God and Hell. 

I hope this was helpful, or informative, or mildly interesting. Fundamentalist Christianity can go fuck itself. 

 

 

  • Upvote 6
  • Love 2
Sign in to follow this  


0 Comments


Recommended Comments

There are no comments to display.

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Posts

    • zee_four

      Posted

      On 1/8/2019 at 8:27 PM, Lurker said:

      This is my speculation only. 

      I wonder if Jim Bob is supporting them, I don’t know Cathy’s circumstance but maybe she is helping out too.

      I could see that JimBob pays for Derrick, maybe like the old fashioned remittance man found in old novels.  JimBob pays  him to keep away from the family brand and to lay off commenting on TLC.  Derrick shuts ups and finds a new path in life.

      Another thing that may have caused JimBob to find his way to underwriting the Dillards lifestyle is the control Derrick has over Jill.  She has probably told him the entire truth about her molestations by Josh.  She was groomed by her parents to have no self autonomy,  raised without knowing that incest is not normal (remember she claimed 2/3 of their circle had similar issues), raised to be a perfect doormat aka wifey. She seems desperate to please and appease him.  So if Derrick knows the truth, not the whitewashed story, he has a way to get Jim Bobs attention, albeit with lots of conditions by JimBob see above.

       

      I wonder if Derrick got some money when his dad passed? Maybe something in his will split the life insurance (if he had it) or there was another sort of inheritance. My brothers finally ex girlfriend he was with for 8 years was like this. Her dad passed away when she was 17 or 18 and even though they were run of the mill middle class she was left with a ton of money. She never worked until a year AFTER college despite getting an accounting degree and getting her CPA cert. She also had my brother who didnt go to college but busted his ass with computer work pay for everything. She could have easily gotten any job. She finally lucked out her first real job was with a company with lucrative government contracts, they paid for multiple employee vacations and she started at close to 6 figures.

       

      GAH she was so lazy and uncommitted and expected my brother to do everything for her, thank Rufus they broke up she wanted to get married and I figured my easy going brother would go along with it but he finally stood up and said no.

    • Leftitinmysnood

      Posted

      Drop-in degreed medical professional to point out that gallstones can be caused by alcoholism, although that is an awful lot of procedures for one gallbladder. Biliary drains in and out, liver biopsy and gallbladder removal? Is she counting CT scans? Did he have liver problems, too? Also, alcohol withdrawals can include depression, anxiety, and irritability (like "suicidal thoughts" or however Lisa said it). This drunk driving was is not a rare occurance of drinking. Everything she discloses says otherwise. 

      Not to defend Lisa, but one wonders how much he told her about dynamics before the wedding, and how much he just thought he needed a magic nanny/postulate/manic pixie dream girl to fix everything. After all, unless the emotion is triumph or rage, emotions are women's work there. Real men bury theirs with scotch (I'm looking at you, Doug Wilson!)

    • Pecansforeveryone

      Posted

      32 minutes ago, Audrey2 said:

      All of these questions about homeschooling are bringing a very dark question into my mind. I wonder after how many generations, the offspring of the fundies we follow will be functionally illiterate? The first generation moms had high school or even college degrees. We look at Jill Rodrigues and her homeschooling as an example of a second generation, which we can get some idea of her schooling ability by the way Nurie writes. Nurie homeschooling a large brood of her own terrifies me.

      I worry about the exact same thing with the Rodrigues children. Someone once guessed that Nurie is writing at a 4rth grade level. I find that believable which is 4 years less education than the Amish! There is no way that is a functional adult level of education, not a snowballs chance in hell. 

      • Upvote 1
    • louisa05

      Posted

      @SongRed7, to quote Elaine Benes, "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things." 

      • Upvote 2
      • Haha 2
    • PennySycamore

      Posted

      The formulae are:

      F = 9/5 (C) +32

      C = 5/9 (F-32)

      The doubling of the degrees Celsius to get the Fahrenheit temperature is pretty close though.



×