My Five Wives, Season 1, Episode Six, Do You Want to Know a Secret?

We open on another shot of those gorgeous mountains. Inside, Brady and the wives are in a meeting. I wonder if this is a weekly thing. That would make sense. Lots of logistical stuff to work out, I would imagine.

During this particular meeting we learn that Rosemary is finally going to get her night away for her anniversary. Rosemary remarks that because Brady doesn’t have a lot of time, it’s common that these dates get put off. Her anniversary outing is currently four months behind schedule. Brady says there have been a lot of anniversaries/birthdays in the last few months and that’s why it’s hard for him to keep up. Robyn pokes fun at how difficult it must be for Brady to have these nights away. That’s the first passive aggressive move of the episode. (I’ve decided to keep count.)

Robyn suggests they have a poker night—these are fun polygamists!! Rosemary wants to finish the wine. Brady wants beer. Partaaaaaay at Robyn’s!!!

Cut to Rhonda folding jeans. Through the window, she sees Paulie walking toward her house. I get a knot in my stomach because history has shown that when Paulie comes to talk to you in private, some sort of trouble’s a’brewin’. This time, I suppose, it’s not trouble, per se; but it’s not pleasant. Paulie asks if Rhonda has thought about letting the other wives know about her cancer scare. Rhonda doesn’t want people worrying about her. Paulie says everyone loves her and they want to support her and if the situations were reversed wouldn’t Rhonda want to know about a possibly sick sister wife? Yes, she says, she would. I wonder if this is Paulie’s job—to keep communication flowing among the wives. Rhonda decides that she will tell the others, but seems slightly shaken.

Brady goes to a jewelry store. Nonie’s wedding and engagement rings have been broken for years and he wants to have them repaired as an anniversary present. The young man at the counter seems eager to help him. No wonder: he says it will cost $254 per ring. Brady says that seems steep. It seems a little high to me, too. But Brady wants to “keep a smile on Rosemary’s face.†You could have fooled me.

Back at the house, it’s Rosemary’s night. She talks about her class. I guess she is a music teacher. She mentions woodwinds—bassoons and saxophones. Now that’s interesting. I’d like to hear more about Rosemary’s musical talents. But instead she tells us about how she is looking forward to her night with Brady. But she spoke too soon because Brady’s cell phone rings. It’s Paulie. Her window is stuck open and it’s very cold. She wants Brady to come fix it. That’s the second passive aggressive move of the episode.

Rosemary is rightly upset and then we get down to the nitty gritty. Apparently, over the 19 years she’s been “married†to Brady, she believes Paulie has made it a point to take away her time with him –not as much with the other wives. Rosemary gives Brady the benefit of the doubt. She thinks he’s just trying to keep everyone happy and will never side with one wife over another. I am not as charitable. I think Brady should know better and make damn sure Paulie has tried every other option before he hauls his ass out of Rosemary’s bed to help Paulie. I wonder if he sees a pattern in Paulie’s requests. I’m guessing no. Anyway, Rosemary tells us she feels like she’s been taken advantage of for 19 years. And I don’t understand. Why doesn’t she say something? Isn’t that the way these families are supposed to work? Or must everyone defer to the first wife? That would suck.

After the commercial break we are treated to more shots of gorgeous mountains. How do they get anything done all day? I’d be too busy staring at those mountains to fold jeans. Brady talks to his and Robyn’s daughter, 20-year-old Hannah. Hannah is apparently an artist and Brady wants her to do a tattoo design for him. First poker, then beer, and now a tattoo. This is a rockin’ family. The tattoo will symbolize the five wives and 24 children. That’s gonna be a big tattoo.

Now it’s poker night. Brady suggests strip poker. The ladies all laugh, except Paulie who sort of smiles. They play a game where the winner picks a card and reads what “prize†they’ve won. Brady wins the first hand and wins a foot rub by a wife to be decided by spinning a bottle. Rosemary wins the (booby) prize but seems happy enough. Rhonda makes a joke about Rosemary massaging when it’s Rhonda’s night. I don’t get it. I thought he was getting the foot massage now, but nope.

Rhonda wins the next hand and she doesn’t have to cook dinner on her night. Brady has to do it. Why couldn’t Rosemary win that prize?

Nonie remarks how much she loves poker night. It does seem like fun. The next round involves someone having to tell a secret. Of course, the camera pans to Rhonda. But the bottle points to Nonie. She doesn’t want to tell the secret that she’s planning on having a baby because the only thing that will go through her sister wives’ minds is that she and Brady are having sex. This is the second time she’s made this observation. And for the second time I will ask: don’t they already know everybody’s having sex with Brady? Or do they repress that until someone turns up pregnant? Inquiring minds want to know.

Nonie wins next and gets a five-minute lap dance from Brady. Well, this is shaping up to be an interesting party. But disappointingly, Nonie wants to trade for the massage. I’m getting confused again. Does that mean Rosemary doesn’t have to give Brady the massage? Does Rosemary have to give Nonie the massage? Does Brady have to give Nonie the massage?

Nonie tells us that Rosemary is a licensed massage therapist. That’s interesting thing number two about Rosemary this week.

Rhonda wins next. She gets quiet when she sees her card. I guess it was supposed to be Brady’s because it’s a “Brady-gets-to-get-his-tattoo†card. Rhonda is opposed to it. Brady says all the wives have to agree on it because “we’re in a committed, loving relationship.†Robyn says she would like it. Rosemary thinks it would be “hot.†Nonie, in what is maybe her most reasonable moment all season, says she’s not sure what she thinks about it, but it’s Brady’s decision. Paulie needs to give it more thought. In their former religion, she was always taught not to mark your body, not to put holes it in, no tattoos. If I’m not mistaken, though, her ears are pierced. Let’s look at the next scene. Yup there’s a big old earring dangling from a hole in her ear. So I guess that policy is flexible.

Brady compares getting a tattoo to his wives coloring their hair or piercing their ears. Rhonda says they were always taught to look at their ancestors for guidance. She says some ancestors pierced their ears, but she doesn’t know of any who had tattoos. Maybe she’s not looking in the right place. Tramp stamps are not always visible.

Nonie says Brady would love them with pierced ears and dyed hair or without. And now Brady says something interesting. He says the leadership in their former church told him to tell the wives to take their pierced earrings out. He said “it’s their ears, they get to do what they want.†Very good answer, Brady, but I guess that’s one of the reasons they left their church—or their church left them. I hope we get to hear more.

After the commercial, Brady takes his leave from Rhonda to take Rosemary on her overnight anniversary trip. He asks if Rhonda will do his hair for his “date†with Rosemary. Seriously, Brady? Come on, even you have to know that is inappropriate. But Rhonda agrees to do it while hemming and hawing about whether she needs to talk to him about something. Oh no Rhonda, why did you have to wait until he’s walking out the door with Rosemary to tell him about your cancer scare? That’s passive aggressive move number 3.

Please believe I am in no way making light of her possible illness. I get that she’s worried beyond belief. And if I were her, I’d make damn sure my husband knew it too. But the timing leaves something to be desired. This is supposed to be a loving family but they seem to be subtly undermining each other (well, they subtly undermine mostly Rosemary). I understand Rhonda’s fear and worry. Certainly cancer takes precedence over an anniversary but was there not any other time previous to this when she could have told him? Now he will spend his time with Rosemary worrying about Rhonda.

Rhonda tells us how she put off having herself checked out because of money and then she had a baby, and my heart is breaking that she hasn’t been able to get to a doctor. My mind is wondering why Brady thinks it’s a good idea to pay for jewelry repair when one of his wives can’t even afford a cancer screening.

Brady shows his concern by offering to cancel his night with Rosemary. He thinks she won’t mind. Oh Brady, Rosemary will absolutely mind. I haven’t known her for decades like you have, but I am certain of that.

Rhonda says how hard it is when she needs time with Brady but he has to leave. Couldn’t they have had this conversation with Brady on her night? I think she was peeved about him asking her to fix his hair and that’s why she chose this moment for her revelation.

Brady calls this the part of being a polygamist that’s “unique.†I think it’s the part of being a polygamist that’s a freaking “nightmare†for all concerned. But he soldiers on and leaves with Rosemary. They arrive at a lovely bed-and-breakfast. Rose petals have been strewn on the bed and in the tub. The room has a beautiful view. They stand next to the bed and I’m so afraid Brady is going to talk about this being “where the magic happens.†Thankfully, he doesn’t.

At home, Nonie’s doing laundry and Rhonda comes in. Nonie is very excited to tell Rhonda that she and Brady have decided to have another baby. Didn’t she just say she didn’t want to tell the other wives because it would upset them? What’s her deal? And now we get more insight into this relationship. Rhonda calls Nonie “brave†for telling and Nonie says she knows this isn’t something they normally do. Nonie says she told Rhonda because they had already talked about it. Rhonda is glad that Nonie shared and acknowledges that now she’s going to think about Brady and Nonie having sex, (aren’t we all?) but she is happy for Nonie (the rest of us, not so much I think). Nonie isn’t sure if she’s going to tell the others. And I think this is a problem. Now you’ve got secrets and factions and hurt feelings for people who feel left out.

Back at the bed-and-breakfast, Brady gives Rosemary her repaired rings. It’s kind of an underwhelming moment. Neither of them seem to be that into the other. It does look very cold out, though, so maybe that’s the problem. Rosemary asks if Brady would marry her again. Brady says he would. Now Rosemary starts crying about “the sun breaking through the clouds.†I guess she didn’t think Brady would want to marry her again. That makes me very sad for her.

At home, the wives are having girls’ night out. I guess this is what they do to occupy themselves when Brady is away with another wife. Robyn wonders what Brady and Rosemary are doing. Oh, let’s not go there, ladies. They giggle about it. Robyn says Nonie still has to tell a secret. Nonie says she doesn’t have secrets, but we know better. And I’m tired of talking about this.

Now Rosemary and Brady are dining out and admiring the repaired rings. The waitress brings an appetizer and …..wait for it…..its shrimp again!!!! So far we know two out of five wives like shrimp and one out of five doesn’t. Paulie and Rhonda, we’re waiting to hear from you. Brady says he likes shrimp. He didn’t used to but he’s not afraid of change. He apologizes for being the guy who always changes.

Now it gets interesting again. Brady asks how Rosemary is doing with Paulie. Rosemary responds that “we’re doing better.†She admits that she feels like Paulie is taking her time away from Brady and it’s been on purpose. Rosemary says she is partly to blame because she didn’t make a big enough deal of it. Brady says it is his fault—I guess this is his chivalrous moment, taking the blame away from another wife. Still Rosemary felt like this was a personal attack. She starts crying and asks him not to do it anymore. Brady wants to go to a “positive place.†Rosemary laughs, but still seems sad.

Brady and Rosemary come home. Brady goes right in to see Rhonda. (I’m wondering where does Brady actually “live?†Where does he unpack? Does he have clothes spread over all the wives’ bedrooms? Where is his home base?)

Brady and Rhonda decide that she will call the doctor next day to get an appointment. Rhonda decides that she has to figure out a way to tell her sister wives about the scare. Now Brady says he was worried about Rhonda all night but he and Rosemary still had a good time. There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I don’t know where to begin. Sensitivity is not this guy’s strong suit.

Rhonda tells us she’s scared. I don’t blame her.

After the commercial break, we are at another Brady/wives meeting. Rhonda invites everyone to come watch Brady make dinner. Nonie wants him to wear an apron and nothing else. Everyone laughs, except for Paulie again. Now Rhonda breaks the frivolity by telling everyone about her health problems. Brady points out that Rhonda is playing it down and that it’s scarier than she’s making it sound. I’m not sure that’s supportive behavior but I think he might be trying to frighten the women into calling a truce among themselves.

Rhonda asks everyone to pray for her. Nonie is in tears. Brady gathers the wives around to bless Rhonda. Nonie says there’s power in that. Everyone is crying. Brady recites a prayer as he and all the wives lay their hands on Rhonda. I am always skeptical about this type of religious demonstration, but Rhonda says she felt peace come over her, so I am glad it worked for her. Rhonda says she’s glad she told everyone and that this is one of the joys of polygamy.

Yes, I can certainly see how it would be nice to have all these people in your corner rooting for you and supporting you. But the constant jealousy and manipulation and jockeying for position must be wearing. There’s enough of that out in the world. Things should be different at home.

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