The Pouty Pirate

We open at night on a carriage in the Enchanted Forest sometime in the past year. (For brevity’s sake, I’m going to call the Enchanted Forest “EF.â€) The carriage comes to a stop before a mysterious knight who tells the guards that this is a stick-up. The carriage drivers think this is the funniest thing they’ve ever heard, which is a sure sign that they are about to die/be robbed. The knight gives a sign and torches/flaming arrows alight throughout the woods. I’m glad that the treasure in that carriage is not mine because the guards don’t even try, they ride away.  And they really should have tried because the “army†in the forest turns out to a party of four: Hook (disguised as the knight), Smee, and two nameless pirates.

In some exposition, Smee and Hook discuss how Smee is no longer a rat as a side effect of the curse breaking. Thanks, I was wondering about that. They open the chest to find it’s stuffed with jewels and gold. Hook says, “You don’t need a ship to be a pirate.†The pirates think this is a laugh riot, I’m guessing because Hook is their boss.

Cut to a tavern where Hook and crew hoist a few brewskies and toast “the most clever dastardly band of pirates ever to sai……†then Hook remembers “ever to stride on the open roads,†leaving us to wonder, where is the Jolly Roger? Did Hook lose it when the Storybrooke gang was cursed back to the EF?

Smee tells Hook that the crew has bought him a gift. A “tavern maid†sashays across the room to him. I’m going to keep referring to her as a tavern maid the way I did when I watched this with my daughter who, although she is 15 and knows everything, does not like to discuss EF hookers with her mother.

Hook and the “tavern maid†walk outside while the pirates laugh in a manner that is a little too suggestive for an 8:00 p.m. show, I think.

Out in the alley, Hook hands the tavern maid a pouch of coins and basically tells her, “Let’s not and say we did.†She walks away with her second payment of what is turning out to be a profitable, if very slow, evening.

Hooks walks away morosely and I assume he’s still pining for Emma. I would say he’s off his game when he gets clocked with a stick, but ever since we’ve met him, he’s gotten knocked out an awful lot for someone who’s supposed to be a swashbuckling pirate. And he’s usually getting knocked out by girls. This time is no different. The assailant turns out to be Ariel. She holds a knife to Hook’s throat.

Cut to the Charming residence in present-day Storybrooke where David is having a tough time assembling a crib. The directions do look complicated. Emma tries to help because apparently she has to be the Savior in every single situation. A very pregnant Mary Margaret rests nearby and suggests they call Marco (Gepetto) to come help. Both David and Emma are too proud to ask for help, but I wonder if there’s a reason Mary Margaret brought him up, since he hasn’t been seen since last season.

Snow wonders why they are wasting time on a baby crib when—hello people!!!!—a wicked witch has high jacked the town. She makes a lot of sense, though she does look like she’s ready to pop any second and that baby will need a place to sleep. David and Emma agree that they need to go on with their lives. David says they are making a statement that they are not going to lose another baby when in walks the person responsible for them losing their last baby, Regina. Everyone seems to forget this. I don’t, but I still love Regina. She gets stuff done.

For instance, she has put a protection spell around the building to protect the baby from Zelena. Mary Margaret wonders why Zelena would want a baby. Regina replies “The number of spells involving baby parts would surprise you.†(LOL, but I have kind of a dark sense of humor.) Mary Margaret does not and looks very perturbed. Regina calls Zelena “one twisted witch.†Has Regina forgotten about the time she killed her own father to cast a curse? Or the time she murdered a whole village because they wouldn’t tell her where Snow White was? Or the time she tossed her mother through a looking glass? Or the time…… well you get the idea. But Regina obviously doesn’t.

Emma doesn’t want to hide in the Charming apartment. She wants to play offense against Zelena. She suggests that Regina teach her how to harness her magic. As a team, Emma thinks she and Regina could defeat Zelena. Regina agrees to teach her. The Charmings go along with it and say they’ll watch Henry. Emma doesn’t think that’s a good idea. The Charmings want to know why. She’s tries diplomacy first. “You guys are tired.†When that doesn’t work, she says that all the talk of the new baby bores Henry. David and Mary Margaret take umbrage at that and want to know who could be more fun than they are.

Cut to Hook in Storybrooke harbor having a meeting with Smee. Smee wants to go back to pirating. Hook says they can’t leave town without being abducted by Zelena’s flying monkeys. Smee says the Jolly Roger can outrun them but points out that Hook won’t tell them what happened to the ship during the past year. Hook tells him to mind his own business and seems very ticked off that Smee even brought it up. Well that piques my interest. Smee apparently can’t read the room because he suggests they get another ship and leave. Hook snaps and says he has no intention of leaving town. Smee, still a little slow on the uptake, says that while Storybrooke has its charms (frozen yogurt!), he wants to get away from the Wicked Witch. Hook gets steely eyed and says, “Question me at your peril!!!†Whoa Nellie!! That was piratey! This may be the Hook who commanded Smee on the Jolly Roger, but it’s certainly not the Hook the rest of us know and love. Smee finally takes the hint and leaves.

I guess Emma and Henry have been listening to this exchange because they’re only standing a few feet away from Smee and Hook. Emma notes that he used to be a rat. Hook says that in many ways he still is. I barely remember the Peter Pan story, but I seem to remember Hook and Smee squabbling, but still sort of liking each other. Here, Hook really can’t stand Smee.

Emma asks Hook to look after Henry. Hook puts on his best, rakish, I’m-about-to-use-a-double-entendre face and says there’s no need for Emma to use Henry as an excuse to get close to him. He sidles up to her and, much as I love me some Hook, he’s really quite the close talker. He just did the same thing when he was yelling at Smee. No need to get all up in her business, Killian.

Emma explains she needs Hook to watch Henry so Regina can teach her magic. Hook tells her it’s about time she embraced her magic. She says she just wants to defeat Zelena and get Henry out of town since “he belongs in the real world.†Hook tells her she can’t just pretend the past year never happened. He tried to return to the person he used to be and it didn’t work. It really didn’t. He’s no decadent, debauched pirate. And he’s not a romantic rogue either. He seems to be tortured by something.

Emma asks him what happened over the last year. Did she not just hear him yell at Smee? At least Hook is nicer to Emma when he says “It matters not.†I don’t know why he’s talking like Yoda all of a sudden, but okay. Moving on.

Mary Margaret and David walk along the beach reminding each other that they can be fun. Aww, their feelings are hurt. But Mary Margaret, sweetie, you’re nine months pregnant. You know what’s fun at nine months pregnant? Lying in bed with a snack. Still they are determined to be fun for Henry. They happen upon a crowd on the beach and discover that Ariel has washed up on Storybrooke’s shores.

Ariel says she’s been “under the sea†looking for Eric (because she’s always using quotes from the movie). The Charmings tell Ariel to talk to Hook because he’s the only one who still has his memories of the past year. Yeah, but he’s not talking.

Cut to the alleyway in the EF. Ariel holds the knife to Hook’s throat. She accuses him of kidnapping Prince Eric. He denies it. Seems like Ariel has not had much knife practice because Hook pretty easily grabs the knife and holds it to her throat. Ariel says she knows the ship that took him was the Jolly Roger. Hook angrily demands to know if she’s certain it was the Jolly Roger which leads Ariel to believe that he’s not lying. Boy is Hook mad. What has gone on this year?

Ariel says the knife Hook is holding is from the armory on the ship. Hook looks at it closely. Then starts laughing and runs away. Ariel looks confused. Hook gathers up his men and tells them he knows who has the Jolly Roger—Blackbeard. Smee is terrified because “Blackbeard is the most cutthroat pirate ever to hoist a sail.†Then he quickly remembers himself and says to Hook “after you, of course.â€

Hook decides to take back the ship and make Blackbeard walk the plank. Smee has grown accustomed to life on land and has enjoyed getting rich from robbing carriages. Hook insists the Jolly Roger is not just a ship. He hasn’t been himself since he lost her. He’s got a weird dynamic going on with that boat. Smee doubts they could find Blackbeard. Hook calls him a coward. He knows where Blackbeard docks his vessels and that’s where they are headed. Ariel says she’s coming too, to find Eric. Hook says very few people have held a knife to his throat and lived and suggests she leave. Hook is bending the truth here. We’ve seen lots of people get the best of him and live. Didn’t Emma tie him up to be eaten by a giant? Didn’t Belle hit him over the head to escape the Jolly Roger in Storybrooke?

Anyway, Ariel says pirate code says Hook owes her for telling him where the Jolly Roger is. Smee agrees. Hook looks like he wants to strangle Smee for the second time this episode.

Back in present-day Storybrooke, Hook teaches Henry to cheat at dice. See Mary Margaret and David? That’s fun. Jared Gilmore’s growth spurt has been apparent this whole season but in this scene he looks particularly adolescent-ish to me in this scene.

David and Mary Margaret walk in and introduce Hook to Ariel. He looks pained. She asks him if he knows what happened to Eric. Hook says no.

Meanwhile back at Regina’s vault, Regina cautions Emma not to touch anything. Emma doesn’t listen and picks up what looks to be some sort of reptile claw. Regina has no patience for this nonsense, grabs the claw away, then asks where Henry is. When Emma tells Regina that Henry is with Hook and the two seem to get along. Regina replies that Hook is “prone to violence, impulsive, and has a hook for a handâ€â€”catnip to a 12-year-old boy.

Emma says she trusts Hook because he brought her back to Storybrooke. Regina replies that of course he did because he yearns and has doe eyes for Emma. Regina shouldn’t throw stones. She’s come close to doe eyes with Robin. Emma says she doesn’t yearn for Hook. We’ll see.

Regina gets down to business and takes out a spell book written in another language, which Emma mistakenly calls Spanish. Regina snidely replies “We’re not making tapas, we’re making magic. It’s elvish.†She is getting all the good lines in this episode.

Emma thinks reading about magic will take too long which is when Regina decides to use tough love and magics herself and Emma to a dodgy looking rope bridge over a gorge.

Cut to Granny’s diner where David questions Hook about Prince Eric. Everyone seems to be pushing Hook’s buttons today because he snaps that if he’d seen a prince he’d remember it. Ariel doesn’t understand how he could vanish without a trace. Mary Margaret suggests they find something of Eric’s at Gold’s shop and use a locator spell to have it take them to Eric. This is the last thing Hook wants. He looks guilty but snaps out of it and tries to walk away, but Mary Margaret wants him to help look. She and David will watch Henry.

Hook pulls David aside and tries to talk him out of looking for Eric. He says it will only end in heartbreak because Eric is probably dead and he doesn’t want to give Ariel false hope. David goes all noble on Hook and says there’s no such thing as false hope… you have to believe…. Blah blah blah. Sometimes he can be so tiresome, just ask Henry.

Back in the EF, Hook, Ariel, and the pirates walk through the forest. Ariel complains about the difficulty of land travel versus sea travel. Hook, being a sailor, concurs. Ariel gets her cloak caught on a bush, Hook uses his hook to release it. Ariel has a fit because the cloak belongs to Eric and “now you’ve ruined it.†She’s exaggerating. I think it can be sewn up, but she is tired from all the walking and misses her true love so I’ll cut her some slack.

Hook won’t though because he doesn’t have time for a lovesick mermaid. He reminds her that they are going to see Blackbeard and she should be scared. Pirates are bad people and Blackbeard is the baddest of the bad. Ariel says she’s heard good stories about Hook, how he is a hero. This really bothers Hook. He does the close talking thing again when he tells Ariel “Don’t believe every story you hear.†He really wants his street cred back.

In present-day Storybrooke at Gold’s shop, Belle is glad to see Ariel and tolerates Hook. The three look around the shop. Hook goes into another room and is very happy when he finds his spyglass, but less so when he finds Eric’s cloak. Ariel asks how Hook knew it was Eric’s. Instead of saying “Because I remember the tantrum you had when I tore it,†Hook lies and says the clasp looks like it’s from a maritime kingdom. I think that’s kind of lame, but Ariel and Belle do not. They are thrilled that Eric may be in Storybrooke. Ariel hugs Hook. Hook looks very uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, back on the rickety bridge, Emma freaks out and Regina insists she do magic on instinct to save herself. Regina uses magic to make the bridge collapse. Emma begs for help. Regina wants her to save herself. When the bridge finally gives out, Regina looks panicked for a second, but then Emma floats back up, safe and sound. Emma cannot believe she was capable of making the bridge float back up. Regina thinks it was overkill. “All I wanted was for you to re-tie the rope.†Apparently Emma is an advanced student. Emma wants to know why Regina is mad. Regina says Emma has been wasting her potential.

In Gold’s shop, Belle uses a locator spell on the cloak. For someone who doesn’t have magic, she’s getting a lot of practice casting spells. Remember when she made the protective bubble around the town? The cloak starts moving. It’s very creepy. Also, it looks like it’s moving very quickly. I don’t know how Ariel, who only has legs sporadically, can keep up.

Back in the EF, Hook and Ariel approach the Jolly Roger. Once again, Hook talks about the boat like it’s a woman…..â€You’ll soon be back in my loving arms.†What is up with that? Ariel questions him. He says “You have your love. I have mine.†Poor thing, he’s grasping at straws without Emma.

In what has to be the easiest ship take-over in pirate history, Hook walks up to a sailor, smacks him across the head and tells the other pirates he’s taking his boat back. (As a side note, my daughter and I were both hoping that Johnny Depp would somehow show up in this scene. Disney owns ABC so it might have been possible. But alas, it was not to be.) There is some sinister music as Blackbeard (who is NOT played by Johnny Depp) appears from below decks. I think he’s supposed to be very frightening, but I’m just not feeling it. The sword battle begins. The crew cheers. Blackbeard taunts Hook saying he’s heard he’s gone soft. The sword fight moves behind a sail and we see the shadows of Hook and Blackbeard fighting. It’s a very nice scene. I’ve heard others say this is a callback to the Disney movie, but again, it’s been so long since I’ve seen the movie that I can’t say for sure.

Hook maneuvers so that Blackbeard steps onto a loose board in the deck and gets his foot stuck. Smee was wrong. This is not “the most cutthroat pirate ever to hoist a sail.†This is a klutz. He’s down for the count and Hook holds his sword to Blackbeard’s throat. Blackbeard yells “Finish it.†Hook raises his sword to strike the final blow. But Ariel screams for him to wait. She hasn’t found Eric on board and she needs to find out where he is. Blackbeard admits he is holding Eric on an island for ransom. He wants to prove that Hook is no longer a pirate. Blackbeard gives Hook a choice, surrender the Jolly Roger and he’ll give Eric back or kill Blackbeard and Eric will die.

Back in present-day Storybrooke, Ariel and Hook are still following the floating cloak. It leads them down to the docks. Then it disappointingly sails into the water and sinks. Ariel and Hook take this as a sign that Eric is dead. I scream at the TV “You’re a freaking mermaid!! Dive in and see for yourself if he’s down there!!!†That’s because it was my first time watching this. Later, it becomes clear why she doesn’t.

In town, David and Mary Margaret argue about their plan to get Henry to spend more time with them. Mary Margaret insists it’s dangerous and illegal. David assures her he’ll be safe and also he’s the sheriff and he won’t arrest himself. David, David, David, I know you never actually raised a child, but this is a baaaad idea. And Mary Margaret, you’re a teacher for goodness sake! You should not have let this happen. It’s also kind of pathetic that a dashing prince who fights ogres and evil queens and a former bandit feel like they have to “act cool†to make a kid like them. Of course, it’s a disaster. Henry can’t drive. ‘Cause he’s 12.

Back on the docks. Ariel is sad. Hook tries to comfort her. Ariel tells him he’s “more than a pirate†and thanks him for trying to find Eric. She walks away. Hook continues to look tortured.

In the EF, Hook makes Blackbeard walk the plank. Ariel begs him to stop. She says she knows underneath Hook is a good man. She wants to find Eric, but Hook apparently wants to resuscitate his bad-boy reputation. He wants his ship. “She’s mine. She’s all I need.†He’s has really got to get over this weird attachment to that boat. He is bitter about love and tells Ariel it would be best if she never found her true love. “It brings wasted years and endless torment.†Geez, Mr. Happy Pants. He slashes Blackbeard’s arm to lure the fish and Blackbeard goes, rather quietly and submissively, I think, off the plank. I don’t see any fish, but the water churns up in what I assume is a feeding frenzy. The whole thing happens so fast and Blackbeard seems so easy to vanquish. I don’t know what’s going on here.

Hook triumphantly claims the Jolly Roger and tells the crew they are free to join him. Ariel slaps Hook and calls him selfish and heartless. She says she feels sorry for him because he will never be happy. Ariel jumps off the plank and swims away as a mermaid to look for Eric.

Back in Storybrooke present, Hook turns into a romance-novel-type pirate and comes after Ariel on the docks. He wants to make a confession. He tells her how their paths crossed during the missing year and how he sacrificed Eric for his ship. Ariel slaps him again and calls him a monster. He says he did it to fill a void left by a broken heart. He says he’s sorry. And this is where it gets weird. Ariel wonders how she can trust a man who doesn’t believe in love, which seems kind of like a non-sequiter because obviously she shouldn’t trust him or accept his apology. Hook says he does believe in love. Ariel says that to prove it Hook should swear on the name of his true love. Don’t trust her Hook!!!!!

But Hook is blinded by heartache and says, “I swear on Emma Swan.†At this point, a green mist surrounds Ariel and she transforms into her true state, Wicked Witch. She zaps Hooks lips with more green mist.

Zelena says she wants to corrupt Hook’s love. She knows that Hook has been haunted by his guilt and she used that knowledge to curse Hook’s kiss—the next time his lips touch Emma Swan’s all of her magic will be taken from her.

I think the writers are playing with us here. So many people ship Hook and Emma and are just waiting for them to hook up hotly like they did in Neverland. So now here’s a twist. They CAN’T kiss. So we are all just going to have to be patient as the sexual tension builds for the rest of the season. I think it would have been interesting if Zelena had cursed Hook to make it that he has to get Emma to kiss him or she’ll lose her power. That would mirror the Little Mermaid story nicely (trying to get a kiss and always missing) and it would give Hook and Emma some interesting scenes. But that is not the direction the writers have chosen to go.

Hook says he’ll simply tell Emma what Zelena has done. Zelena one ups him and says if he does, she’ll send the Dark One to kill Emma. Finally, FINALLY Hook comes to his senses and realizes that Zelena is bluffing. If she could have killed Emma, she already would have already. Zelena needs Emma’s power removed before she can do anything to harm her.

Zelena responds that while she can’t hurt Emma, she can hurt her parents, her friends, her child. Hook vows to stop her. Zelena says he can’t and if he doesn’t kiss Emma and remove her powers, everyone she loves will die.

Back at the Charming abode, Hook knocks on the door. Emma wants to know what he’s been doing all day. Hook lies about helping Ariel find Eric. Regina is surprised that Ariel is in Storybrooke—hopefully she’s suspicious and will get to the bottom of this because again, she’s the only one in town who actually accomplishes anything—maybe that’s a benefit of being jaded about love. Regina says they can look through the mirror to see what Ariel is up to. Emma thought Regina couldn’t use mirror magic to look between worlds . Regina replies that she can’t, but Emma can because she’s so powerful. Hook is nervous that his lie is going to be found out, but the ladies insist. Emma does it and they see Ariel and Eric hugging. So I guess Ariel really did find him when she jumped off that plank. Regina looks disgusted at this show of true love.

Emma turns dewy eyes to Hook, “You did this.†Hook resists the compliment, but Emma says he’s full of surprises. Oh, NOW she looks like she wants to kiss him. She’s been putting him off since she came back from New York, but NOW she wants to jump his bones. Great timing, princess.

The Charmings and Henry return. Regina is furious that David let him drive the truck because apparently the evil queen makes a better mother than Snow and Prince Charming. Henry is surprised at her concern. She covers by saying as mayor she can’t allow things like that.

Henry says it was fun. David points out that he and his wife are, indeed, fun. They discuss—in code for Henry’s sake—Ariel’s story. Mary Margaret, with her pregnancy hormones all aglow at the true love story, suggests a dinner at Granny’s. Henry wants to drive. Everyone says no.

Hook gives his regrets. Emma says she’s tired of living in the past. Aargh, now that Hook is cursed she’s practically throwing herself at him.

The Charmings, Regina, Emma, and Henry have a nice dinner at Granny’s while poor, lonesome, tortured Hook uses his spyglass to watch them through the window.

Next week looks like to be a time travel episode. Honestly, this shows shifts between time zones and realms so often, it’s already hard to keep up. Next week, they go back in time to try to talk to Cora. Not old Barbara Hershey Cora, young Rose McGowan Cora. We’re all going to have to pay very close attention.

If you'd like to discuss this episode, go here: http://freejinger.org/forums/posting.php?mode=reply&f=14&t=13046