It's the final episode of The Surreal Life, which means it must be time for The Surreal Corey Feldman Wedding. Can Corey overcome the way everybody feels about him to make it a memorable evening that he will always remember whenever he remembers it? Time to say goodbye to the whole motley crew.
The Surreal Wedding. Yawn. Is everyone as excited as I am? That was rhetorical, kids. Well on with the recap...
Talk about going out with a whimper rather than a bang.
Jerri says that she feels Corey has gone out of his way to deliberately alienate himself and I have to say I disagree. I think he is completely stymied as to why people don't like him, I think the way he sees himself and the way others see him is that disjointed, I truly do. Because I am both an expert on psychology and Corey Feldman now that I have been recapping all these many weeks.
Flashbacks of past Corey drama. Blah blah crying, blah blah stress-stress-stress, blah blah lecture from Hammer about being a whiny celebrity punk, blah blah epic poop, blah blah judgmental vegetarian. See, in case we missed it, the editors want to set the scene... we hate Corey. We get it, we get it.
Thus ends the *previously on The Surreal Life* segment of our show, and now on with tonight's episode.
Jerri, who seems to be acting narrator for this evening's festivities, tells us Corey wants to call a "meeting" in the living room, and she used air quotes, which I hate but it made her point so goes to show they can be legitimately used. Gabrielle says part of her felt that it would be just another drama moment Corey about Corey. Only part of you felt that way? Why else would he speak? Of course it was going to be self-serving unless he was replaced by a changeling in the night with a human soul and the editors decided to keep that to themselves.
So here we are in the living room gathered 'round Corey as if this were the board of directors of some totally dysfunctional dot-com going under, and we are treated to this speech from Mr. Feldman:
"Whatever differences we may have had for me personally it hasn't been out of haste and I don't want you to think I have anything against you because I don't. It's just how I am - I'm a really sensitive person. You know it really affects me (insert pause where he wells up with tears and delicately dabs at his eyes). I just hope we really all can walk away from this and remember the best about each other and I am really excited that you're all gonna share the wedding with me tomorrow (insert pause to sob) everybody happy (insert longer sob) I'm sorry (insert pause to collect himself in a fashion that was so overacted he made the rest of this speech seem cogent) I'm sorry."
Oh and haste?? No he didn't act like a jackass out of quickness - he was quite methodical about it. I know it's nitpicky but there is just no way that word makes sense in that context and I wanted an excuse to point out his jackassiness.
Tears in his eyes and furrowed brow as he surveys his audience to gauge the reaction. I have a 7-year-old, I know the drill when one is trying to get back into your good graces by shaming you into not being mad at them.
Brande breaks the silence by asking, "Do you want us to help you pack?" Which is so funny no one laughed for a second, just either shocked that she was capable of absolutely brilliant comic timing or waiting for it to be taken badly by the Kind of Hysteria. Corey laughs and everyone cracks up, diffusing the situation. It was truly the best moment of this episode. Don't ya hate when it's over so fast? Yeah, me too...
Opinions on the speech vary: Hammer's impressed and says it was big of Corey to say what he did and he needed to hear it. Huh? Must've been something profound left on the cutting room floor. Vince says it was a bit annoying is what it was. "You know what, dude? I don't care." Okay, for old times sake I will say it again, Vince you are a truth screamer! And for that I will always love you. Oh, and you look great with your hair pulled back like that. Any minute now I will stop pretending Vince Neil reads my every word and will once again embrace reality...
Corey calls for a group hug and they all indulge them. Do people really do that? I am 35 years old and I don't think I have group hugged in my life with people I didn't give birth to; maybe it's some Hollywood thing or maybe no one likes me. I'll examine that later, but for now Jerri tells us she walked away feeling better about the wedding and where they are all going. And can I ask why? The smart pretty girl is making no sense and it really messes up my stereotyping of these people.
The cock crows and they wake up. No really a cock, you know... rooster, crowing. Do you think my Green Acres reference of last week was prophetic and I can be the next Miss Cleo, although without the Jamaican accent? I have a kind hybrid Chicagoan-who-lives-in-New-England accent so that should inspire trust and mystery as well, if anyone would like to be my agent as I launch my psychic career give me a call. Anyway, in case you were all as sad as I that we didn't get to see them stumble out of bed, we do, here they are... I am so much more at peace when production staff keeps things formulaic.
Corey notes that it is 5 hours and 15 minutes until his wedding. Look! He can tell time! This is a showcase for skills isn't it? He then shows he isn't just another pretty-time-telling face and goes out to get the paper. He is so proud and excited after accomplishing this and everyone else is as well! Remember when I said they should train the dog to get the paper (what do you mean you don't commit my every recap to memory?) maybe they were, in actuality, training Corey and he finally got it. Or more likely maybe he went and got it today knowing he would be featured due to the wedding and, let's face it, he has managed very successfully to make this series all about him. DIGRESSION! Remember in Catcher In The Rye when Holden tells us of his teacher that had them tell stories and whenever someone would venture off topic the class would scream "DIGRESSION" at them? Well, I should hire someone like that to scream digression at me. You know, if I had any money for a staff, which I don't. Just as well, I digress so much they would lose their voice and sue me and I would end up even more jumpy than normal, a nervous wreck from constant and unvaried verbal assaults. Oh stop yelling digression at your screen... I'm winding my way back to the topic at hand...
Corey hands the paper to Hammer with a flourish, clearly enjoying the spotlight (and probably the relief of knowing they all have enough restraint to not get into it with him on his wedding day) and Hammer reads: "Stars come out for primetime wedding. Over 100 wedding guests will witness the nuptials of Corey and Suzi. The marriage and the young couple's love for each other is as real as it gets and everyone wishes them a life together of happiness, love, and crazy sex." There is much hooting as Corey says "hell, yeah!!" Uh, why? Isn't the crazy sex part a foregone conclusion since we learned in episode one that Suzi is a bisexual with a penchant menage a trois? No?
Scenes of the wedding preparation as Jerri tells us there is a lot of excitement and they will have lots of people there today. She is taking her narrative duties seriously in declaring the obvious. Gabrielle says the caterers are there and the housemates need to stay out of everyone's way and that there are lots of people there and she does NOT know who any of them are but she supposes Corey does since he invited them. Okay, you don't have to be an apologist for the Feldman camp to say... well, yeah. It's his wedding. She says all of this in the snottiest tone of voice, like she is clearly annoyed at the disruption of the wedding. She has seemed less and less likable since Vegas.
Lia flew in for the wedding and she and Vince look to be holding up the rock and roll couple banner beautifully.
Corey didn't see Suzi before the wedding as he didn't want to ruin the anticipation of the moment. I can't find anything nasty to say about that; I think that's nice. Cut to Suzi laying down and saying she has all her girlfriends here, girls she has known since she was ten, and her mom. Cue her mom saying, "When Suzannah was a little girl she watched a movie that Corey was in, Stand By Me, later that day we found a note she wrote had wrote that said she loved Corey Feldman and she wanted to marry him. Destiny has a way of finding it's way to you." Nice sentiment, but I hope it doesn't strike fear into the hearts of parents everywhere whose little girls are writing notes about wanting to be the future Mrs. Backstreet Boy. After all, when I was a little girl I was sure I was going to grow up to be Mrs. Ace Frehley and had the notes to back it up, but in case you were wondering it never came to pass. So destiny plus a little bit of coincidence, perhaps?
Shots of Suzi getting ready, getting her hair done, fluffing up her dress. The shot of her with Elvis hair? Ouch, editing team trying a little too hard to be wacky, me thinks.
We then meet someone named Michael who says they are dressing the groom in a fabulous Louis XXIV outfit. Oh my. I think you have to be a special kind of person to find that outfit fabulous. Corey says he wants to be the swashbuckling hero who gets the girl right at the altar. Just goes to show someone neglected his history in school if he thinks the former King of France was also a pirate in his spare time. Besides, he doesn't look much like a swashbuckler to me, he looks more like an extra in Mel Brooks' History of the World Part One, in the scene where the pissboy becomes the king's double. Least he didn't dress as Napoleon, thus shading the Napoleonic complex seeping out through every over action we have seen over the course of this series.
Jerri tells us Corey asked her to be the videographer for the wedding. Because why? Otherwise there would be no cameras? Guess the professional film crew wasn't good enough. This makes her feel like she's a part of the wedding. This is important to her why? I mean, since when does she care about Corey? This show should have run an hour long... I'm so confused and I need more information.
Vince has no role in the wedding except to hang out and have fun. He says everyone is dressed normally except Corey. Must be why Corey was the only one calling out for his costumers. Insert your own Corey cheap shot here, I seem to have run out.
Hammer says this will be historical in a lot of aspects, however he only mentions one, that of the presence of a Christian minister and a Jewish rabbi. One, didn't the rabbi say just last week that he was more of a Lutheran? Hey, don't blame me, it was his joke... and two, historical? Not really. Maybe you don't see too many mixed marriages on a kibbutz or apparently wherever Hammer preaches, but in the real world Jews and Christians intermarry all the time and their respective clergy deal with the logistics. Corey feels having a minister and rabbi both officiating sends a positive message to the world. Okay one, Corey we have been through this, I don't know exactly what the ratings are but the *world* is an overstatement, so stop it. Two, of those who are watching I don't know how many of those are using you as a role model and embracing your world view to make them better people, but I would venture to guess it's a much smaller percentage than those watching and mocking you. And three... I'm Catholic and had a boyfriend in high school who was Jewish and neither of us submitted our names in for the Nobel Peace Prize in Interfaith Relations. However, if you think you can evoke world peace through this union, give it a shot. If all intolerance and religious unrest worldwide falls asunder due to the Feldman marriage then I will personally take out a full page ad in all major newspapers and apologize. Or just write an article here because those full page ads cost money.
Corey retires to the bathroom to put his makeup on. He isn't even kidding. I know it's reality TV but leave some mystery please.
Various shots of everyone getting ready and we cut to a Playboy limo pulling up and Hef arriving with various bleached and surgically enhanced accoutrements. I mean, his women friends. Corey seeing them arrive and says, "Here comes Hefner and all of his ladies, how funny." Why is that funny when you had Brande invite them? And all of his ladies, wouldn't that take a fleet of limos and more chairs than your wedding rental company could scare up on ten days notice?
Brande greets Hef happily and introduces him to Corey. Hef tells Corey that the wedding has been called off to which Corey replies, "Oh, are you taking her instead?" I am half impressed Corey had the ability to think on his feet quickly enough to come up with a somewhat witty retort and half disgusted thinking that he shouldn't be bantering about the woman he loves in such a skeezy way. Skeeziness won out and I lost just a little more respect for Corey. I know, I didn't think it was possible either.
Hef tells us that "too much celebrity and too much pop culture can sometimes get in the way of living a real normal life, but of course this isn't a normal life this is a surreal life and you're going to have a surreal wedding." He chuckles, clearly pleased with his own cleverness and I have to wonder how many times he practiced that little speech and chuckle prior to arriving. Ewwww.
We are now privy to what passes for a male bonding moment among these guys where Hammer is all supportive and Manny tells Corey that he hopes this union takes him places he's not yet dreamed of and Vince tells Corey the main thing in a marriage is trust. Corey thanks him and says he's nervous, very nervous. I have to wonder where Corey's real guy buddies are, not his co-stars and erstwhile roommates? Where is his family, where are those close to him who should be sharing in these pre-wedding moments? I can only hope that was part of his day and not shown, and it's not that as far as close friends go these three are as good as it gets for him.
Dun dun da dun (that's my way of singing the wedding march to you) the camera pans the guests and Hammer and the Rabbi walking down the aisle. Corey voices his gratitude that all of his family showed up (as the camera cuts to Hef and the girls - could his family have asked to not be filmed? Wouldn't it have been funny, if so, to have filmed them and blurred out their faces like on Cops?) That it was beautiful they were there for him and there was "no one who didn't come that I wanted to see." I think he means everyone with whom he wanted to share this day showed up. Then he tells us he will always remember this day. This is the first of a couple times he mentions this, as well as when he first presented the idea to Suzi one of the selling points was how memorable it would be. Granted, I have never done heroin so I am unfamiliar with the resulting brain damage, if any, that would entail, but doesn't everyone remember their wedding day regardless of the circumstances?
Hammer says it wasn't Corey "troubled" Feldman it was Corey "da man" Feldman coming down the aisle to marry Suzi. Okay, can we even look at him in that outfit and call him "da man"? And maybe it's just me, but a person who is troubled is troubled even if they can hold it together for a short period of time to get married, and a troubled person entering into a marriage - is that cause for a ministers' celebration? Hammer's comments left me... oh, what's the word I'm looking for... oh yes... troubled.
The flower girl comes down the aisle to requisite awwws, but the ring bearer makes a break for it and has to be led back by an unidentified woman. Unidentified to the viewing audience; I'm sure they knew who she was. Not trying to imply she was crashing the party. Everyone laughs at the little guy but one has to wonder if Corey was a little annoyed at being upstaged?
Suzi comes down the aisle and Corey melts. Fairy tale, dream come true, as perfect as he could have imagined it, all the standard clichés. You know, the same kinda things strangers say to me when I am grocery shopping. I kid you. Everyone stands as she comes down the aisle and she is absolutely stunning and the dress is gorgeous. Corey has finally reached it. What ever "it" is, he is finally there. Okay, begrudgingly but, awwwww. Hammer starts the service with some biblical stuff about how man was not meant to be alone so God took a rib from Adam and made woman, and then they recite their vows they have written for each other. Corey: "You alone I need. You alone I love. You are the answer to my prayers. Sent from up above. Trusting is my heart for the first time in my life. Innocent the love you give. So beautiful."
Like a haiku with way too many syllables. She dabs at her eyes as do some members of Hef's silicone brigade.
Suzi's vows: "From the moment I saw you I knew that the feeling in my heart would never be the same. You've been the most honest, beautiful, and nurturing person in the world. I will forever be honored to share my life and love with you unconditionally and eternally."
And I think I speak for many people when I say, "the most nurturing person in the world?" YIKES!
The Rabbi tells them to look around at the faces of all the people gathered there. "All of these people believe in the two of you!" Yikes again! Or are paid to be there, or brought by Hef, or want some camera time, or who think you won't last six months. Except for those people, everyone believes in you! Applause.
Jerri says this is the first time she has seen them in love, so it became real to her. Ahem. Anyone can act like they are in love when caught up in the moment of a wedding. If you haven't seen evidence of love prior to this, what a red flag.
Exchange of rings and Corey is asked if he takes this woman and he says, "you better believe it." Then she is asked if she will take this man and says, "I do." There you have it... married. And it only took a TV show to make it happen.
Hammer says, "may God bless your marriage," and I feel guilty for being so cynical and mean. This is a beautiful thing and hearts and lives are involved so I should just be happy for them. But if I wasn't cloaked in sarcasm you wouldn't recognize me, so I'll stick with the program. They kiss and it is finally over.
Corey tells us everyone was totally supportive and there for him and for the first time everyone was on his side. Well, what a reason to take a major life step, to stem the hostility you have brought upon yourself from some people you never have to see again anyway.
The reception begins and eating, drinking, partying, mingling, ooohing and ahhing over the bride, and laughing at the groom behind his back for being dressed like a one of the three musketeers. Okay they didn't show that last part but you know it happened. Manny formally introduces Mr. and Mrs. Corey Feldman and I get a little schmoopy. I don't know why, but that's my favorite part of a wedding when they introduce the new couple. Okay, I'm over it.
Corey tells us he has come full circle and will always remember this day. I know I'm a broken record on this, but if you got married at the courthouse in cutoffs and sneakers, you'd remember this day. He says he's a different man. That can only be an improvement to the one I am pretty happy to be saying goodbye to tonight with this final episode.
Vince sings a "Surreal Life Blues" reprise and Corey again pretends to play guitar. Somewhere Mick Mars wants to kill himself.
Corey says goodbye to the roommates, says there is nothing but love and he and Suzi escape "the surreal life and go back to real life." Oh he's as clever as Hef and is wearing the stupid hat I hate, but considering the rest of his outfit, I dig it. It's the hippest thing he has on. They get into a limo with "Just Married" on the back to go begin life as Mr. and Mrs. Corey Feldman. Sorry, I was trying to get the warm feeling back, but the moment has passed.
The rest of the house is treated to a last-night-together spread and they hang out and eat and talk and Hammer says, with sadness in his voice, he can't believe he won't be waking up anymore to Manny Mo. Okay, then. I have been watching this show pretty carefully, more carefully than anyone should without risking actual brain damage, and I have not heard him mention his wife once. His kids he referred to in the first episode. Once. I really hope that was sloppy editing and he doesn't actually prefer bunk beds with his Manny Mo to sleeping with his wife. If it wasn't the editing, Corey isn't the only one who is troubled. Vince says they are just going to be sleeping other places. Yes, Vince, like with the people of your choosing! And everyone is just a phone call away. He ends the show as he began it... give the man the truth screamer award, please.
Gabrielle leaves early the last day because she has to be there before her kids get up for school. Kinda odd for another one who wasn't exactly shown lamenting the family she left behind for ten days, and she is so sad to go, very weepy. I know I am heartless, but you have known each other a week and a half. There is no romance, you aren't family. I don't see where this level of trauma comes from. Manny leaves, saying he is trying not to cry while Jerri breaks down into a puddle at the loss of him. (Which made my friend Kathie wonder what really happened in that tent. Hmmmm.) Okay. Brande leaves and the pup jumps up to say goodbye. I will miss you, little Mercedes. The whole season you are the only one who has never caused an annoyance or done anything but be cute, cute, cute. Okay, perhaps the German neighbor was annoyed when you ran into her house without asking, but what do we care what she thinks? I think she had a bad facelift, so there. When I lived in Wisconsin I had a neighbor who had a dog that looked just like you and she used to run into my house sometimes and I was never annoyed, I have also never had a facelift. Where was I before I went off on a tangent and started talking to the dog? Oh yeah.. .we're saying goodbye... Jerri leaves and Hammer takes off, leaving Vince alone. Vince says he had it the hardest as he had to say goodbye to everyone. For those of you thinking, what is he talking about since even those leaving said goodbye to everyone? I say to you... don't mess with the man's logic. He is Vince Neil: truth screamer.
Just when you think it is over, we are treated to something that is, yes it is in fact, surreal. The theme song and title sequence of Friends, but starring our motley crew (I have been very restrained on Crue humor, let me have this one). I don't know who is singing this, I mean couldn't they have gotten the actual Rembrandts to remake this one, what else could they be doing now? I almost thought at one point that was Vince singing in a deliberate attempt to be kitschy but then I started to cry and had to go put on "Smokin' in the Boys Room" and "Same Ol' Situation" in quick succession to revive me. Anywho, here are the reworked lyrics:
Why I bet you think it's strange to see us all this way, 'cause life's a joke, you know, that's what the tabloids say. We were all stuck in Glen Campbell's home, surviving with each other and fighting over just one phone .
It's surreal for you, never knew it before, it's the life we choose, got your foot in the door. The Surreal Life blues, it's real life too.
It has been amusing and I am looking forward to the next round. Can I make a request for the producers? Give me one Brady? Please? Thank you.