My updates have been rather...lackluster lately, due to general Russian fuckery. Not to worry - I'm still here. Let's see what the most modern actually kind of boring family of the week is up to.

Cam is chaperoning the school dance ("Spring-a-Ding-Fling"), while Mitchell is starting a new job with some crusading law firm. Phil, meanwhile, is preparing to host the Southern California Annual Realtor's Banquet. Unfortunately, Claire has to miss the big event due to work. Haley will be (reluctantly) accompanying him instead, which Phil sees as an opportunity to direct her into real estate forever. Opening credits.

Mitchell is guided around work by Wendy (Aisha Tyler), another lawyer who keeps trapping him in racist remarks and, uh, seems to be flirting with him a little. She also has a bad habit of screaming at her employees. All of the lawyers seem to have some sort of hostage complex, a feeling I can well sympathize with at my shitty Russian school. Mitchell finds a note in his desk - "Get out or you will die." Uh-oh.

Gloria and Jay argue about who's better at business. While Gloria's on the phone with Mitch (he needs a babysitter), Jay taunts Joe for not being able to walk. And yes, there was literally no other way to describe that.

Luke wrestles with his date, Rhonda, in the mud. Claire wonders if they don't want to get dressed up for the dance, but they claim they are, jeans and sweatshirts being de rigueur these days. She is horrified, and manages to sneak Rhonda away, telling Luke to meet them at the dance later. Alex and her boyfriend have decided to go the dance ironically, which also offends Claire. Why the fuck are you so determined to police your kids' motivations? Helicopter, helicopter!

Cam entertains his coworkers with his witty repartee. They ask him to speak at the opening ceremonies, but a more charismatic teacher (Will Sasso) comes back from vacation. Senor Kaplan - COMMUNITY RIPOFF! - is instantly welcomed back, and Cam is jealous.

Gloria is upset because someone broke her phone. Lily blames Joe, which no one believes. Jay promises that he'll talk to her. This turns into a war between Jay and Gloria about who's better at convincing people to do stuff. He tries to get Lily to fess up, but she maintains that Joe did it. Gloria threatens Lily's stuffed animals, Mafia-style. Fear flashes in the child's eyes. And that is a sentence I never thought I'd write for this show.

Phil is going crazy at the Realtors' Banquet, which includes a rendition of "I'm Selling Away" that could kill Baby Jesus. He's also in drag for part of it. The crowd is eating it up. However, he notices Haley texting in the middle, and is so distraught that he flubs the show. Haley is horrified.

Mitchell hears weird things about Wendy's cruel habits at work, and sees her beating the living shit out of a vending machine. Wendy also asks him to groom Rex, so Mitchell introduces himself to the smelly office dog.

The dance is in full swing, and Rhonda seems thrilled with her makeover. Claire goes up to Alex's boyfriend, Drew, and tells him to take Alex into the house when he brings her home. That's right - she openly insists that he be in the Dunphy home, unsupervised, with her teenaged daughter. If this were anyone but Drew and Alex, I'd tell Claire to enjoy being a grandma. Senor Kaplan planned all the dances in the past, and he and Cam snark at each other about their various planning styles. Luke complains to his mother about Rhonda's new look, saying she "broke her". Alex comes by to yell at her mother for pimping her out, declaring that the dance is not for Claire! Right on, sister. Claire scowls and tries to act more chaperone-y.

Gloria is advocating increasingly sadistic methods for interrogating Lily, though Jay favors a more gentle approach. They go in together. Lily is sticking with the story. She points out Joe's footprints. When they tell her Joe can't walk, she insists he can "for her". She calls to her infant uncle, and sure enough, he walks over to her. As Jay and Gloria exclaim over the baby, she reflects that she "got lucky" and covers Joe's shoes in baby powder again.

Cam continues to complain about Kaplan while Claire tells him to STFU. The faculty dance is announced (that's a thing?) and Cam sees his moment to shine. The rivals turn "Shake Your Groove Thing" into a bitter competition. Cam realizes he's losing. In a desperate PR move, he grabs Claire and pulls her onto the floor. They dance the raciest number since that contest in Grease, and I'm pretty sure Claire winds up flashing the entire gym. Nonetheless, it's a phenomenal success.

Mitchell bathes the dog and complains about his evil boss. He decides to stand up for his colleagues and give Wendy a talking-to. At work, Wendy talks to the new intern, Rex (who names their kid Rex?), and discovers that her dog Pixie is missing. Mitchell walks in and delivers his lecture, whereupon Wendy corrects him on the Rex/Pixie issue. One by one, all of Mitchell's "red flags" are unravelled. Wendy is proven to be the best boss ever. She is deeply hurt, but they hug it out and it looks like Mitchell gets to keep his job for now.

While the banquet's "mortgage doctor" checks on Phil after his fall, Haley asks what happened. He sadly tells her to grab his keys, because they're leaving. Just then, the big award of the evening is announced. Phil wins, natch. To his shock, Haley runs up to accept it, and gives a heartfelt speech, including the jokes Phil never got to use in his act.

Various family members narrate about covering up for who they are. Haley accepts the award and hugs her dad, Alex and Drew and Rhonda and Luke have reconciled. Meanwhile, Lily is busted for her cover-up when it's revealed that Joe's shoes are on the wrong feet.

Tag scene: Since Joe can walk, Jay has trained him to fetch beer. Frankly, I can't think of a better use for a baby.

Tonight's episode was a lot of fun. Mitchell's work conflicts were well built up, though I did envy him his kind, reasonable boss. Haley and Phil's storyline built to a nice conclusion. Claire's story felt a bit too ridiculous, however, and Cam's was well-trod territory. The less said about Jay and Gloria, the better - that one was beyond half-assed (though sociopathic Lily is always a treat). However, the show had some good moments. Until next week, my friends!

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