I wrrote this a few years ago on her birthday...no, I don't know why I'm loading tons of maudlin stuff today....getting it out of my system Somali can get back to being a heartless automaton which I much prefer.

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It's my mom's birthday today. Check out the scandalous shorts she's sporting for the mid 50's! Leaning on the car of a handsome guy she was dating - who coincidentally was my future Daddy.  

She had great legs, handfuls of fabulous hair, perfect posture, a ready smile, and truly the kindest and most generous heart of anyone I've ever known. She had quintessential black Irish beauty. No matter what life threw at her almost never saw her without a smile that shone in her eyes and endless supply of optimism. Chatty, quick to laugh, and without exception saw the good in everyone. 

If I didn't have older siblings who remember her pregnancy with me I'd get a DNA test because I didn't inherit any of that. But my daughter did so I guess those sunny disposition genes are recessive. 

Self help industries have been built on people wanting to learn to be selfless and patient - it was just in her source code. 

She was famous for her baking and her homemade chocolate eclairs were so requested at all the church bake sales she had to make a couple of extra batches just for the rectory so there would be some to sell. She'd always make a couple of empty pate a choix shells for me since I only liked the tops as eclairs are filled with creme de patisserie (custard) which I wouldn't eat because it was slippery. (Still won't, because it's still slippery.)

Last Mother's Day I spent the weekend baking her eclairs and Gramma's pecan rolls which my mom mastered and I also wouldn't eat because they had nuts in them. (Still won't, they still have nuts, which are still gross.) the kids know when I start baking from scratch I'm in a sentimental mood and they are going to sit through a million stories about their gramma and my Grams. They will never know the void they have in their lives for having lost her too soon, but I know so it's a small and insufficient way of keeping her alive for them.

I can see her in my kids. My daughter's temperament and smile, my eldest son's hair and how inherently in tuned he is to those less fortunate, my baby's endless exuberance and easy grin. 

20+ years and I still miss her every day. That time healing all wounds thing doesn't mean you are ever whole again, you just learn to live with the loss. 

I don't even wonder what she'd think of how I turned out because since I've never killed anyone nor burned down an orphanage she'd only see the good - that was her gift. I didn't realize it was a gift to those of us who loved her, too, until long after she was gone. Happy, healthy, and safe. That's all she ever wanted for us. And that was what I asked God for each of my kids the moment they were born. Although for Mom it was that simple. I want those things first and foremost, but my list of sub requests for them...not short. Possibly long enough to be indexed and catalogued. 

So happy birthday, Mom. I don't pretend to understand how the whole afterlife thing works but I'm sure wherever you are you're cheerfully helping someone somewhere do something and making it a better place just by being there.  And I'm still lost.