Hey, everyone! Despite my busy life, Worldly Distractions will continue! But, er, due to said busy life and an enormous time difference from my new home of Russia, please forgive me for any unusual delays. This week,  many of our favorite TV shows are returning to our cultural landscape. This week I will come out with Downton Abbey, The Simpsons, Modern Family, and The Big Bang Theory, but first, let's start with the one no one asked for and no one wanted. That's right, it's Season 9 of How I Met Your Mother. This is the very definition of padding, people. Fortunately, this one is final - we hope. Okay, enough griping. Let's see what this has to offer. And before we proceed - SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS.

When we left off last spring, everyone was leaving for Barney and Robin's wedding, Marshall had yet to tell Lily that his pending judgeship was about to tank their Italy plans, and the Mother finally showed her stupid face. We open 55 hours before the wedding. Ted explains that the wedding was life-changing for all of them.

Lily and Ted are in the car en route from Ted's house, where Ted outdoes his own dorkiness with a book of fun facts about their (extremely short) road trip and a nice pair of driving gloves, all while driving way below the speed limit. Lily complains. A lot. Just as she proceeds to bang her head against the wall, the opening credits come up. Man, it's been almost a decade and they haven't bothered to update the pictures.

Barney and Robin, also on their way (in a freakin' limo), are looking at pictures of the flower girls. BORING. They get into an argument over "ring bearer" versus "ring bear" and the ridiculous Barney stunt that may lie in this distinction. Barney gets a text from his brother, who is convinced he is performing at the wedding. We get a cutaway gag to a bizarre James Stinson drag number. Robin counters that it's okay, she's invited her weird Canadian family who are too Canadian to exist. Yay stereotypes. Something about shagging moose. Okay, I'm done with the scene. Let's catch up with Jason Segel and a cute baby while the happy couple argue about which relative will ruin the wedding.

Marshall, with Marvin on his lap, complains to his seatmate about his dreams vs Lily's dreams vs blah blah blah blah blah. Seatmate is not impressed. He gets a text from his mom, involving a public post of him dressed as a judge. This leads to a cut to Lily and Ted, where Lily bitches about her mother-in-law (she hasn't seen the post), Ted, and everything. Finally, Lily demands he pull over so she can take a train instead. Robin and Barney continue to argue over Canadians and relatives. Suddenly, they both ascertain that they have a Canadian cousin named Mitch. This immediately means they're related, of course, because there's only one Mitch in a country of 34 million people. Okay, he's a lumberjack with a very specific number of fingers, so maybe there is something to this. Guys, what's the big deal? Even if you are related, cousins marry all the freakin time. No need to barf out the window. Which they do, simultaneously. Wow, this show has lost it. Lily boards a train.

Marshall calls his mother wailing about why she posted the video. We get a nice display of small-town Minnesota naivete on Mrs Eriksen's part. Marshall's seatmate looks like she wants to die. I wish I could join her.

On the train, Lily reflects on the photo, which she noticed but hasn't looked at yet. She figures Marshall's mom is trying to guilt trip her about leaving Marvin and goes over how much she misses the baby in her mind. However, it turns out it's not all in her mind, because the woman in front of her turns around and asks what she's talking about. It's the Mother! Who is a Manic Pixie Dream Girl! Really? Yeah... Anyway, she winds up offering Lily a cookie. Lily takes it without considering that it could be full of poison. Hey, a lady offered me a cookie while we were waiting for a flight to Moscow and I'm still alive! The Mother rambles on and apologizes, just like Ted. Maybe they're the related ones? Ted narrates that "That's how Aunt Lily met your mother."

We go back to Robin and Barney, who are flipping the fuck out over a few shared genes. Clearly they have not read up on their history. They're on the phone to relatives all over North America trying to find out who's related to who, trampling all over family dynamics in the process. Charming. Apparently their minor connection is more important than a freakin' family death.

Over the phone, Judy tells Marshall about a man holding a bratwurst, then says it's pornography. Ha ha she's so out of touch KILL ME NOW. See, the old HIMYM would never have had such an obvious second line. They would have put the laugh track after the first. It was slightly subtler, is what I'm trying to say. This - is garbage. YOU SHOULD HAVE ENDED WITH SEASON 8, YOU BASTARDS.

The plane's about to take off, so Marshall has to hang up, or else the flight attendant and seatmate will forcibly take it from him. He pretends it's a toy phone for the baby. It doesn't get too far. He and Marvin wind up getting kicked off the plane, along with Seatmate, who apparently got a little violent in the process. And guys I didn't notice, but Seatmate is played by Sherri Shepherd! Coooool. Moving on. Lily tells The Mother about how dorky her friend is, and they share a few giggles at Ted's expense. Ooh, the irony, do continue. (Don't.) Anyway, in the conversation it emerges that the Mother is just like Ted in a bunch of weird ways so clearly they're destined and all that jazz.

Robin and Barney have (finally) come to the conclusion that maybe being related is not a big deal, since they won't have kids and as Barney notes, "King Joffrey's parents were brother and sister and he was a fair and wise leader." Even so, they agree to keep it a secret - until they realize Ranjit knows. Looks like it's curtains for everyone's favorite driver, as Robin and Barney tell us telepathically (no, I did not make that last part up). Yeah, they're not okay with this cousin thing. They try to kiss. It fails. George Michael and Maeby never had this problem...

Lily continues to complain, like always. The Mother comments that it's like Ted deliberately provoked her into getting on the train. We get a poorly-linked flashback to the locket thing from last season. (In short: Robin buried a locket in Central Park for her wedding, which she dug up with Lily to put away for safekeeping, then promptly forgot about, and now its whereabouts are unknown). Ted has the locket, which he intends to give to Robin as a wedding gift. Lily maintains that this is a skeezy gift from an ex-boyfriend (she's kind of right) and discourages him from going ahead with it. To top things off, there's a chance the locket wound up with Stella when she and Ted split several seasons back. Stella has moved, however, and the locket is likely in a storage locker in LA. Lily realizes Ted was trying to get rid of her so he could find his ill-advised gift which belonged to Robin anyway, and she is pissed. We cut to Ted's car. The gift is in the back.

Back at the airport, Seatmate is upset because she's missing her daughter's Model UN speech in New York. She's recently separated from her husband and rarely gets to see the girl. Marshall is apologetic, aaand of course it's all a ploy. While he's talking to Seatmate, he's trying to take down his mom's judge post. Seatmate gets involved and it turns into a screaming match. What was the point of this story exactly?

In the nick of time, Robin's grandmother calls, with a complicated and stereotypically Canadian story. Only the ending matters: Cousin Mitch was adopted, and Robin and Barney are not related. They're thrilled and proceed to fuck - or at least they try until Ranjit points out he can hear them. They conclude that it doesn't matter what the relatives do at the reception, it's going to be great. I can't believe we've had a whole episode of people travelling to a wedding. This blows. We do get this adorable line: when Barney says "legendary" without "waitforit", he adds that since he has Robin, he doesn't have to wait for it anymore. D'aww.

Lily is desperately trying to intervene with Ted, but it's too late - they'll have to beat him to the wedding. She wants the phone to a) call Ted and see the picture she thinks is of Marvin, but the Mother tries to stop her. They get into some kind of catfight. Yawn.

Marshall is being "helped" in his endeavour by at least thirty people, who are all offering different advice. He calls the whole thing to a halt and tells them to STFU, his marriage is going to be ruined forever and it is saaaaad. Cut to Lily and the Mother apologizing to each other for the fight. The Mother hands her her phone, Lily reaches for it - and in the airport, Marvin hits just the right button and the photo disappears. Clever baby. Relieved dad. The airport cheers. Lily's sad she missed out on Marvin. The Mother gives her a hug.

We get to the Farhampton Inn, where Robin is confused by Lily and Ted's separate arrivals. Ted unveils his gift - a photo of the five of them, which you may recognize from the opening credits. Robin is touched, Ted goes to check in, and Lily is happy that she'll be reunited with her family soon.

Well, sort of. There's one seat left, on the last flight to New York, across the airport - and Marshall and Seatmate will have to race for it (I guess Marvin is still young enough for the lap). Because it's not like either of them could connect in another city or anything. Sigh. They run off, but Marshall is slightly delayed when he realizes he forgot the baby.

Ted is upset that Lily doubted him on the locket business, but she makes him promise he won't do anything to mess up the wedding anyway. Probably a smart idea, actually, he's a bit of a fool sometimes. He narrates that he really thought he meant it - but one never knows who will be the wild card at a wedding. Cut to Ted a few days back purchasing a ticket to Los Angeles. And so we end Part 1 of the last season premiere. Join me in about half an hour for Part 2.

FJ Discussion Thread