It seems like the less you have to do, the less productive you become, and the same goes for recaps. Let's finish off this middling season of Modern Family, already.

The family holds a graduation party for Alex, who is dismissive as usual. Cam is more concerned that he just got braces, a huge affront to his vanity. For whatever reason (ear infection, air travel), Phil could not attend his child's graduation. He instead rolls in on a selfie segway, something I was sure only existed in the world of Community in that episode with the felons. Jay promptly covers the machine with a blanket and goes on his merry way. Opening credits.

Gloria's cousin, a bit of a slob, has come to visit. Believing that he understands no English, Jay feels free to insult him, something which will surely backfire in fourteen minutes or so. Beth, Andy's not-actually-fake girlfriend, is also visiting. Haley constantly denies that there's any tension. Everyone involved seems to be a nice person trying their best, and so they are making their best effort to get along. The women even bond over Andy's terrible fashion sense. However, once Andy's out of the room, Beth drops her sweetness-and-light facade and (cryptically) threatens Haley with severe bodily harm. The boy in question is none the wiser.

Cam and Mitch learn that they've been approved to buy the apartment upstairs, though I suspect this scene is just to make fun of Cam's orthodontically-induced lisp. Cam wonders why his husband doesn't seem more excited - is something wrong?

Claire is about to give Alex a graduation gift, on top of the 16-piece luggage set no college student actually needs. It's a keychain with a picture of the two of them. Honestly, that's pretty cute. Phil has also written Alex a song, but rolls off in a huff when Claire refuses to sing it.

Haley asks Andy if Beth dislikes her. Andy says yes, but his real answers are more disturbing than outright hatred. Mitch, uncharacteristically aggressive, takes RoboPhil hostage and asks him to keep quiet about the house. Turns out that Mitch was laid off a month ago and has been keeping it a secret from everyone - including Cam. Obviously, these two have an extremely healthy relationship. Between sending out resumes, he hides in the park and plays chess with some dude called Spencer, as well as his pet bird, who is really helping with Mitch's famous phobia. A concerned Phil urges Mitch to 'fess up, but doesn't get anywhere.

Phil rolls around the house interfering in everyone's lives. Jay takes him aside and lifts him up to look for napkin rings (though Jay will still have to reach them so it makes no sense). They come across a mysterious package, which Phil (worldlier than we thought) believes to be heroin. Jay immediately decides that the cousin is responsible. "That's my horse," says Gloria helpfully, meaning that they're the ashes of her dead pet. She's annoyed by his rather racist assumptions, understandably.

Claire tries to take Alex aside to give her the gift, only to find that Mitch has bested her by making up a giant scrapbook full of all the correspondence they've ever exchanged. (Gee, it's almost like he has a lot of free time all of a sudden.) Haley, meanwhile, is terribly concerned that she's about to get murdered, but the rest of the family think Haley's just jealous of Beth.

Cam, concerned about Mitchell's odd behaviour, is convinced that he's having an affair. Lots of gratuitous S's inserted into his speech. He sneaks some looks at Mitch's phone, mistaking Spencer for his paramour.

Andy confides in Phil that he wants to propose to Beth, but he likes "this other girl". Phil advises him to be with her if he truly loves her, and it's only natural to wonder how else your life might go. They share a robo-hug. Claire also talks to Phil, asking for a backup gift for her keychain idea (which I still maintain is pretty cute). Of course, Phil suggests his god-awful song. Claire settles on a mother-daughter trip instead. However, before she can announce this, Jay inadvertently one-ups her by getting her a trip to Europe. Wait, is that a thing? I remember mostly getting cards and fancy scarves, but then none of my relatives are closet tycoons.

Cam tells Phil his suspicions. Phil tries to dismiss them, but he's not very good at covering up his dismay, so Cam tries to strangle him. It doesn't work because he's a robot, but still. Phil urges Cam to talk to his husband. The cousin just stares at them all like they're crazy.

Stella also tries to attack Phil. Jay accidentally locks him in the bathroom. Beth lures Haley into a demonstration of her Coast Guard attack skills, which I didn't even know they learned in the Coast Guard. Haley walks too close to a candle and catches her hair on fire, which Beth tries to put out by hitting her with a pillow repeatedly. Naturally, Haley is not quite convinced of her good motives. Luke rips off his shirt and gives Beth a suggestive swagger.

Claire finally liberates RoboPhil from his bathroom prison, though she's more concerned about complaining over her family's generosity. Phil takes the opportunity to debut his song, Go Ask Alex, about his daughter's head for useless trivia (and not her crippling drug addiction from the 1970's).

Beth continues to be terrifying towards Haley, so she asks Luke to test out her car, just in case it's rig. (What, any kid that wooden is expendable.) Gloria toasts Alex's kind nature, which is incredibly touching. At that point, Phil attempts to debut the godawful song, but Claire shuts him down. Jay is so moved by his wife's speech that he apologizes for his treatment of her cousin. However, when Gloria talks to Armando, it's clear he's just as crooked as Jay thought.

Meanwhile, Cam confronts Mitch about the affair, which is understandably a bit confusing for Mitch. Some nice wordplay with the word "cockatoo", lots of misunderstandings, everything has its explanation. When Cam realizes the truth, he rushes to comfort him. To cover the cost of the apartment, he suggests turning it into AirBNB, which sounds suspiciously like spinoff potential.

Alex says that she's going to give her mother a gift, since SHE is the one who is behind all of Alex's accomplishments. She wants her mother to come with her to Europe, in order to prevent a Taken-like situation (though I for one would love to see Phil as Liam Neeson). Claire is overwhelmed and says yes.

Haley takes Phil for his 100th secret conversation of the night. She spills all about the Beth situation. Phil thinks she's in love with Andy after all. She concludes that it doesn't matter what she feels, since it will never happen. Andy walks in at that moment, ostensibly to say goodbye, but they wind up passionately front-hugging. Phil shouts that they obviously love each other, but the sound cuts out, so they don't hear him. He shouts silently as Andy leaves with Beth and Haley walks off in sorrow. Phil tries to chase after them, sending the Segway down the stairs and destroying the iPad. And in the tag scene, Armando steals it!

So, apart from the GIANT FUCKING CLIFFHANGER it left us with, how did this finale measure up? Sure, Phil's story was inventive and provided a great way for him to interact with every character. Each story on its own was a little lame, though Cam's included some amusing confusion and Gloria's had a nice twist. (I wash my hands of Claire and Alex, which should have been way more developed.) Overall, it succeeded, even if it wasn't an all-time great. I like how they've given Haley more depth as the series goes on - Sarah Hyland seems to be more than up to the job. And now, to wait until September. In the meantime, let's guess how many undeserved Emmys this season will win.

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