Alex is planning to go to school on Senior Ditch Day, which is the ultimate of lameness. Haley calls her out on it. To make things worse, she's going to school for the most boring task possible - roommate selection. Is it just me, or don't most universities just have you fill out some preferences and then randomly assign someone? This should take half an hour, tops. Even Claire thinks this is ridiculous. Meanwhile, she is fielding a job offer from a major hotel chain, one that sounds more prestigious than it probably is. However, she doesn't feel she could leave her dad. Phil comes rushing in to tell them that Luke collapsed on the way to school and is in hospital. In fact, Luke is just fine and this is all a ploy to get Alex to skip school. Alex is super pissed, but Phil triumphantly tells her they're going to California Adventure (never forget that ABC is owned by The Mouse), and they drive off screaming "DITCH DAY" repeatedly. Opening credits.

Mitchell cuts his hand while cooking, but Lily is only concerned about getting blood in the eggs, which launches a discussion about her startling lack of empathy. Frankly, the show has been touting Lily as a budding sociopath since she could talk, I'm not sure how they missed this. Claire tells her dad about the job offer, and is surprised when he tells her to take it. This position is nothing but a step up. That's right folks, Claire has come a long way, baby.

She's a bit hurt that her dad would let go of her this easily, but then then she stumbles across him crying over a picture of her.

Manny has just had his wisdom teeth out, so of course he's high as balls. He's mostly upset that his girlfriend didn't come by to support him during the procedure (because apparently that's...a thing? High school girlfriends do?). Gloria feigns sympathy, but she really didn't like the girlfriend, so it's all good. The girlfriend shows up and they engage in some slobbery teenaged mushiness while Gloria looks on in disgust.

On the way to the amusement park, Phil discovers an old theatre he renovated back during his days in the construction industry we didn't hear about until now. It's about to be torn down, so Phil proposes that they break in. NO, PHIL. THIS IS YOUR GOD. LISTEN TO THE MOUSE. THE CALL OF THE MOUSE.

Claire and Mitchell talk about her strange discovery, which amazes them both. Mitchell wonders if he isn't showing enough emotion in front of his own kid. No, I think it's safe to say that Lily was wired that way. Besides, Cam more than compensates in that department. Now Claire is seesawing yet again, but Mitchell is mostly focused on Lily. Sounds like a typical sibling conversation.

Gloria discovers that Manny was so hopped up on pills when his girlfriend came, he forgot all about it. She pretends that she gave him the presents the girl left, and schemes to keep him away from her forever. See, Manny was planning to go to camp with this girl, but the deadline to sign up or something is today, so if she can keep him stoned and couch-bound until the deadline closes...Gloria, you are a terrible human being. And yes, she did just slip her teenaged son more pills than is medically reommended. Because of a girlfriend who will probably never be mentioned again after this episode anyway.

Phil reminisces about their movie-going days as they stroll through the abandoned theatre. Behind the screen, he pulls up some carpet to reveal the spot where Phil and the girls placed their footprints long ago. Luke keeps asking where he was, and Phil keeps evading the answer - I guess Phil hates his son (it is heavily implied that he dropped Luke on his head, which would explain a lot). Haley wants to sneak out and go to the mall, Alex wants to go back to school. Haley accuses her sister of being above them all now. Meanwhile, Phil and Luke decide to set up a show...

Mitchell decides he needs to cry in front of Lily and show emotional vulnerability, so he watches The Bridges of Madison County, and then pretend he was reading about a world crisis. Even Cam thinks this is nuts. He gloms onto the "loveless marriage" aspect of the film and wonders if Mitch is sending him a message. Mitchell clues in that there is someone in this marriage showing emotion (thank you very much), and decides that Cam just wound up desensitizing her to all feelings. They wind up crying together.

Claire tells Jay she turned down the job, only to find that he wasn't really crying - he was trimming his nose hair and used her picture as an impromptu mirror. Meanwhile, Manny has gone into his phone and found the pictures that prove Gloria's scheme, which causes major drama. Gloria protests this, naming all of the girlfriend's worst qualities. Manny realizes that they all match Gloria's flaws, and realizes that he's dating his mother. He wants to break up with her immediately and forget going to camp. However, Gloria sees this as an insult and rushes to send him off to camp with this girl. Then the girlfriend sends Manny a bikini pic and both Manny and Gloria immediately change their minds. Manny tells her to let him make up his damn mind. You go, Manny. Gloria reluctantly sends in the application form, remarking that she has the same bikini.

Phil and Luke, in silhouette, try to set up the theatre, but wind up becoming the movie themselves, as Haley and Alex laugh at their shadowy pratfalls. The girls are apoplectic with laughter. It's pretty sweet, especially when the two girls apologize to each other. Haley confesses that she's scared Alex will forget about her once she's at college. Meanwhile, Luke accidentally manages to break a water main. We discover that Phil is doing this because of an existential crisis - he sees the theatre as the only thing he ever built himself, and thus the only part of his life that will last. (Ummm, kids? Nope?) Alex and Haley, of course, find these antics hilarious. They continue to reassure each other that they'll always be sister-friends, and cuddle it out. Phil, wet shirt and all, watches proudly, and concludes that he made that.

It looks like Claire's wishy-washy approach to the job has cost Jay's company the hotel's account. He's furious, and it looks like Claire's name is mud in both companies. Claire protests that she wanted him to keep her on because she's his little girl, which is an excellent thing to do in the world of business. We get the Ed O'Neill glare in full force. He tells her, quite rightly, that he doesn't want his feelings to hold her back, and though he likes working with her, it's just not a great idea. He assures her he's proud of her and Claire gets teary. He then brags about her too a colleague, but goes a bit too far in the other direction, gushy and Dad-ish. This causes Claire to break down completely, and he rushes away with his colleague, explaining that it was a ploy to get them away from her and into the pub. Good old Jay.

The Dads have a talk with Lily about feelings, a topic she is not terribly interested in. Basically, they heap all their insecurities onto their seven-year-old. Somehow they manage to bring up their own future deaths, making her sad for real.  Smooth, guys.

Gloria narrates about parenting and mistakes, claiming it's because they're trying to make them happy. Manny is still high as balls.

Tag scene - Claire tells her story, but Phil can't stop telling his. Meanwhile, Alex has been trying to tell them about her new roommate the whole time.

Well, that was fine. We had moments with each character, each storyline had some interesting ideas (well, Gloria's was the weak link here), and some of the jokes actually landed. I think the standout had to have been the Dunphys at the movie theatre, but overall, the show balanced it out well. Join me next week for the season finale!

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