He Shoulda Brought a Condom!

In the Enchanted Forest (EF) past we learn that:

a) the sorcerer is just a cloud of smoke;

the apprentice has trapped the author in the book. He can still write stories, but he can’t influence them; and

c) Emma and Lily’s fates are entwined.

I hope that a) is just a sorcerer-prelude because I’d like to see an actual actor playing the part. We know that has been reversed. And as for c), Emma’s fate is entwined with ABSOLUTELY everyone else’s.

In Storybrooke, there’s a not very well-attended funeral for Cruella. One tends to burn a lot of bridges when one makes formalwear out of puppies. Gold reminds us—again—that Emma going dark is the lynchpin to his evil plot to rewrite his story. How about you move on, Gold, and just start being nice to people?

At Granny’s, Emma looks slightly less pale than last week while making snide comments to her parents. Maleficent comes in bitching about Gold (He can be so irritating!) Mal wants the so-called good guys to help her find her daughter. Emma realizes that her old friend Lily is Mal’s daughter. In a delightfully retro microfiche scene, Emma looks at old newspaper clippings of Lily’s adoption.

In Minnesota past, teen Emma and her foster family (who look like the pictures that come with the frames you buy) get ready for a camping vacation when Emma comes across teen Lily in the garage. Of course, Lily’s in trouble and she needs Emma’s help—the story of Emma’s life.

In Storybrooke present, Emma and Regina decide to join forces and go on a multi-stop road trip to find Lily and save Robin. (Ick.)

Gold speaks to the author about his favorite topic, Emma’s darkness, but he gets distracted when Will and Belle walk by, apparently having a day date.

In Minnesota past, teen Lily ruins Emma’s dinner with the picture-frame foster family by forgoing utensils and eating with her hands, lying about how she and Emma met, and, oh yeah,  admitting she is wanted for armed robbery.

In Lowell, MA present, Regina and Emma visit the tenement where grown Lily once lived and talk to a neighbor who says she’s deceased and then proceeds to speak ill of the dead. Emma takes umbrage and grabs the neighbor. Another sign of darkness! Regina talks her down.

In Storybrooke, Gold enlists Will’s help to steal Belle’s heart back from Mal who’s heart-sitting it for Regina. (Which is more attention than any of the kids get in this town.)

Back on the road trip, a wolf in the road causes Emma to swerve, ruining a tire. A coincidence? I think not. Neither does Emma. And she’s right! Her waitress at the nearby diner turns out to be none other than grown Lily, as evidenced by the star-shaped birthmark (though contradicted by the fact that the grown Lily actress has much lighter eyes than the teen Lily actress).  I am taken out of the scene when Emma asks for coffee and a “pack of Advil.†That’s some ham-fisted shilling Emma. My suspicions are confirmed at the next commercial break when there is an ad for Advil. (I’m a writer. I’ve been in a position of having to mention advertisers in editorial, so I sympathize. I just think this could have been handled more deftly.)

In Minnesota past, teen Lily explains about her bad life. Do you see who you’re talking to, Lily? Emma’s the poster girl for a bad life. And you’ve just made it worse by asking Emma to go fetch your necklace for you. I understand about wanting something from your birth mother, but how about maybe just wearing it? We all know that this is a bad idea and Emma is going to get in trouble.

In Massachusetts present, Emma confronts the waitress who admits to being Lily but says her life is just fine, thank you. Then she pretends she has a daughter by kidnapping some random kid from a school bus. Why are none of the children on this show supervised?

In Storybrooke, it looks like Mal is the acting mayor. Mary Margaret and David swing by her office to beg forgiveness. Mal reprimands them like this is the principal’s office and they’ve been tardy.

In Minnesota past, teen Emma searches through a crack house for Lily’s necklace, but gets busted sneaking back into her foster parents’ house. I don’t like to say I told you so…… After a confrontation with the parents during which the husband insults her, Emma runs away.

In Massachusetts present, Regina and Emma search Lily’s mobile home to find a fairytale vision board that indicates that Lily knows all about her EF background. Outside, Lily steals the yellow Beetle. Emma’s hotwiring skill comes in handy when she and Regina steal a car and give chase.

At the Storybrooke mayor’s office, Gold distracts Mal so that Will can steal Belle’s heart.

In Massachusetts, we are shown the license plate on the car Emma stole. It says "Sylvia." What is that all about? Who is this Sylvia? Is it just a red herring? I don’t have time to think about that because Emma is defending herself to Regina—who thinks Emma’s becoming a villain—with my Favorite Line of the Episode:

“This is the real world, Regina. There are no heroes and villains, only real people with real problems.â€

My thoughts EXACTLY Emma. (You were not in the wrong when you killed Cruella.)

In Massachusetts past, teen Emma and Lily fight and Emma gives Lily her necklace. Lily says her family has kicked her out because of some undefined darkness surrounding her. Lily begs for Emma’s help. Emma refuses.

Meanwhile on the present-day road, Regina and Emma catch up to grown Lily. It goes badly what with Lily threatening Emma’s parents and all. It ends in a standoff with Emma aiming a gun at Lily’s head. Regina, who’s become the voice of reason, talks her down again.

In the past, teen Lily rides a bus sitting beside the apprentice whose straggly haired-look may work in the EF but makes him look creepy and homeless in a world without magic. Instead of switching seats, Lily chats him up and he tells her about her past.

In Storybrooke present, Will’s visit to Belle goes awry when he shows her that he’s got her heart in a box. Gold enters and to her credit, Belle backs away from him. But then she lets him return her heart to its rightful place. Gold gives his blessing on the Will/Belle relationship. They didn’t need your blessing, Gold!!!!!!

In New York City, Regina pounds on a confused Robin’s door. Since Wicked Marion is at the store, there’s time for Regina to explain the situation. (But I’d really like to see Zelena trying to negotiate grocery store aisles with a whining Roland in the cart.)

Regina tells Robin that Zelena killed Real Marion. Well, she did. But you're just trying to distract and re-direct, Regina. YOU killed Marion first. Robin doesn’t seem to remember that, but I will never forget. Robin seems horrified. And here comes Wicked Marion. (Roland’s not with her. He doesn’t seem to be in the apartment. Where is he? Probably hanging out with the Charming baby who’s never with his parents either.)

Wicked Marion reveals herself as Zelena. Robin looks even more horrified. And then we find out why. It seems there’s a bun in the wicked oven. Great. A future unsupervised kid. Robin says he can’t leave Zelena even though he’s already proven that he’s perfectly capable of leaving the non-wicked mother of his first child. I. CAN’T. WITH. THIS. And also, Robin, sweetie, when your life is in turmoil and you're just getting used to new surroundings and, oh yeah, you’re IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE WITH WHOM YOU ARE CURRENTLY NOT HAVING SEX , best to invest in some birth control.

Well, that was quite an episode. I’m a bit confused. If Emma's life was programmed with goodness and light and Lily’s was programmed with darkness and evil, why has Emma’s life been so bad? Her experiences haven’t been any better than Lily’s. In fact, I feel like Lily had the advantage. She was adopted by a loving, wealthy family. Emma was bounced around foster care all her life. I’d say Emma’s been surrounded by darkness while Lily’s just a brat. What do you think? Talk about it in the forum: freejinger.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=13046&sid=a35ed943c03dcc6019391b94e8b9f709&start=80