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Once Upon A Time 417: Best Laid Plans



It’s Curtains for Our Heroes

……But we’ll get to that. In the meantime, the Charmings borrow Belle’s stupid, we find out how Cru and Ur ended up in New York and, in a show that basically just pushes the Disney product, the Disney Company gives itself another plug.

In the Enchanted Forest (EF) past, the Charmings determine their child’s good/evil destiny by touching a unicorn horn, which is totally not a bawdy euphemism. David sees beautiful, sweet, infant Emma and assumes everything will be alright. Snow, on the other hand, sees teen Emma who rips out her heart. Oh, Snow, that’s not a sign of evil, that’s a sign of average teenage girl—they all rip out their mothers’ hearts at some point.

In Storybrooke, August is very sick because he’s been magicked one too many times. (Seriously, I would imagine the shrinkage/growth spurt alone would be painful and exhausting!)

Meanwhile, Regina, in order to keep her cover, must bring Gold and His Gals the “author†page of the storybook. Not wanting to bring the real thing—‘cause the real author is trapped in the actual page—Regina takes a picture with her phone. She hopes that this will send the Evil Ensemble on a wild goose chase looking for a door.

At Mary Margaret’s (MM) apartment, Hook uses his Serious Face to tell Emma that the Band of Baddies wants to use the author to turn Emma evil. Emma’s not worried. MM and David think she should be. Hook says “darkness creeps up on you.â€

MM and David have a stage-whispered conversation about the “Horrible Thing They Did†and what they should do now. Ummm,Mary Margaret? David? Emma, Hook, and Henry are RIGHT THERE!!! There’s no way they didn’t hear you, you dim bulbs. (And WHERE is baby Prince Neal????)

Oh, wait, I’m sorry. It appears that we are expected to believe that no one heard this idiotic conversation because Emma looks confused as MM and David rush out of the room. Siiiigh. How hard would it have been for the writers to let them have this conversation in the hall?

At Gold’s cabin, Regina shows the Evil Ensemble the photo of the illustration of the door. Seems like a stretch to me, but it’s good enough that Gold figures out that the author is actually trapped in the book.

In MM’s apartment, Hook feels the same way I do about the chemistry between Emma and August (see my comments last week). He’s jelly! Emma assures Hook that August is just a friend, and friends are rare in her life. She mentions how she pushed away Lily during her foster home days and that’s how we know that Lily is going to be back on our screens very soon. Hook and Emma have no more time to talk about this because Mal has put a sleeping curse on the town and they both zonk out.

In the EF past, the Charmings meet a pushy peddler who tells them Maleficent has blocked the way to their home. He sends them on a path through the woods to the Apprentice’s cottage. He tells the Charmings to trust him. He must know their IQs. I would scream DON’T TRUST HIM!!! at the screen, but I think we all know the Charmings too well. So off go the Charmings on their merry way, playing right into the peddler’s plan. (They shoulda brought a smart person!)

In the Storybrooke woods, Mal makes a deal with Gold. She wants to find out her child’s fate. In return she’ll deliver the author. On Main Street, David and MM argue about the “Horrible Thing They Did.†Finally they notice that the whole town is asleep. And we learn that people who’ve been under the sleeping curse once are immune. Okay. I’ll go along with that. (But listen, writers, this better stick through the rest of the series’ run.)

In MM’s apartment, Gold is impatient to find the page. He knows about the whole curse immunity thing and he figures Henry is awake and has the page. Regina of course, doesn’t want this nutty group near her kid. She goes to find Henry. Gold—who doesn’t trust Regina as far as he can throw her, which is pretty far since, you know, magic—has Mal and Cru follow her.

On Main St., MM and David watch Mal and Cru set off in the dalmationmobile, then decide, in their inimitable charming way, that they should destroy the page thereby never releasing the author to make Emma evil. You follow? I barely do.

In the EF past, the Apprentice tells the Charmings what we all already know. The kid could be good or could be bad. As parents, you do the best you can and you keep your fingers crossed. No, say the Charmings. They want magic to ensure their kid is good. (Snow should ask for some magic to fix her false eyelashes. They don’t seem to go all the way across her eyelids. It’s all I can look at during this scene.)

The Apprentice doesn’t care about eyelashes. He reluctantly tells the Charmings that they can bring him another blank slate and he’ll suck the evil out of their fetus and transfer it to the other fetus. I will give the Charmings a few points for hesitating at the immorality of this. Then Snow has the brilliant idea to use Mal’s unborn child. Because that dragonlet is already evil? So you’re going to make it more evil? And this is a good idea because????????? This I do not follow.

In Storybrooke at the mansion in the woods, unsupervised Henry finds the magic key to unlock the author. Regina enters with Mal and Cru right behind her and “orders†Henry to give her the page. Regina’s making all kinds of weird eyes at Henry which is Henry’s cue to give up the imposter page that Emma created instead of the real page which he has hidden. That kid is the smartest person in this town. (Also, Regina calls him Henry “Daniel†Mills and judging by Henry’s reaction I think that might not be his real middle name. So that was another clue.)

In the EF past, Cru and Ur guard Mal’s lair, but the Charmings get by them with some fairy knock-out dust. They steal Mal’s egg. Mal doesn’t want to zap them with her mad dragon magic skillz because she’s afraid of hurting her egg. She reverts to human form and, boy, she looks lovely with her soft hair and silky nighty as she accuses the Charmings of being monsters for stealing her child. The Charmings promise to bring the egg back when they’re done. Why doesn’t Mal chase after the Charmings? She doesn’t have to zap them but she could certainly re-dragonize and fly after them.

In Storybrooke, MM and David yell at Henry when he tries to free the author with the key. Henry doesn’t understand why because he doesn’t realize his grandparents are idiots who stole a baby for no good reason and are now trying to prevent the author’s return.

In Gold’s shop, Gold does that creepy thing where he watches Belle while she sleeps. He also tries to explain away his actions in trying to change the villains’ endings. He also says “something else is changing†which I don’t understand. I’ll just add it to the list.

Outside Gold’s shop, Gold realizes the page is a forgery and that Regina is a spy. Mal puts her to sleep and Gold tells the ladies to bring Regina to her vault. Gold is very bossy. Also, does he expect Mal and Cru to carry Regina? Cru has no non-animal magic and Mal seems to be only capable of sleeping-curse-type magic.

In the EF past, the Charmings have brought Mal’s egg to the Apprentice who performs his evil-transfer spell on the egg. Only thing is, the (non-reversible) spell sends the egg to another realm, a world without magic. The Charmings are horrified when the egg breaks and they see an adorable baby arm inside. Snow gets a bit of an attitude because they did promise to return the egg. I don’t know why she thinks she’s entitled to that attitude. She’s a kidnapper.


Oh look! It’s Cru and Ur running into the scene screaming “cradle robbers!!†Where is Mal? Why didn’t she come herself to get the kid? Cru and Ur lose their balance and fall into the vortex with the egg. Thus we learn how these two got to New York.


The Charmings desperately ask for a way to get the baby back. I feel like the Apprentice is a bit snarky when he tells them nope, you can’t but “congratulations, your child is now free of evil intent and heroic of spirit.†In your face, Charmings!


At the mansion in Storybrooke, MM and David debate whether to destroy the page. MM blathers on about stopping all the lies. She decides to tell Emma the truth. Lest you think this is purely self-sacrifice for MM, she also goes on about her own dark heart and wanting to be besties with Regina and only having that if she comes clean. It’s all about you, Snow! (Well, she is a literal princess, I guess.)

In MM’s apartment, Emma takes the news a lot harder than I thought. You’re tougher than this, sweetie. You’re the freaking savior!!! And your parents have always been jerks to you. Exhibit A: baby Prince Neal, your replacement. Now put on your big-girl panties and let’s do some Savioring!

In the Mills mausoleum the Evil Entourage talks over Regina’s sleeping figure. I guess we’re not going to find out how they transported her there. Gold says he has ways of making Regina stay on the side of evil—he has something that will make her do his bidding. What is it, Gold? What is it?!! He’s not talking.

At the docks, Hook tries to cheer up a brooding Emma.

In the EF past, Snow loses her shit when she receives a gift of a unicorn mobile for the new baby. I don’t blame her. It’s made of glass. If one of those unicorns falls onto the baby, it could really hurt. Oh, that’s not why Snow’s upset. It seems the unicorns remind her of that whole “stealing Mal’s baby†episode that she’d like to forget. The Charmings whine about how bad they feel which I think is supposed to show us that they are Truly Good and not the Selfish Jerks they appear to be. They vow to do good works forever to make up for the babynapping. Nope. Not working for me.

In Storybrooke, Gold shows Mal what became of her baby and, lo and behold, it’s Emma’s old friend Lily. I still just want to know WHO IS THE FATHER?????? I don’t know much about dragon biology but I figure someone or something had to fertilize that egg, no?

Emma runs into August’s room and finds, to her dismay, that her parents are there. August knows something’s wrong with Emma but she won’t talk.

And now, August tells us something he’s apparently known all along but for some reason only sees fit to reveal now. There’s not just one author. There are lots of authors. He does a soliloquy which I think he thinks sounds noble and includes storytellers from cave men to a guy named “Walt†to our current author. But this last guy seems to have been a bit of a problem. He manipulated people to get better stories. (Sounds like the author’s spent a lot of time watching reality TV.) So the Sorcerer and the Apprentice, who chose this author, trapped him in the book as a punishment.

And August is still looking at Emma like he’s got a crush on her. But I digress.

Emma unlocks the book and out pops the author, who, it turns out, is the annoying peddler. MM and David recognize him. Emma says they have a lot of questions. And the author can sense that this is not going to go well for him. So he pulls the curtains down on everyone, including poor August, who’s still recovering. Because our “heroes†are “klutzesâ€, this gives the author a head start out of the room.

So, in conclusion:

  •  The Charmings are jerks.
  • Maleficent is a one-trick pony. Something besides a sleeping curse would be refreshing, honey.
  • The author is really irritating.

Storyteller though he may be, I find the author just too in-your-face and talky—like your neighbor at the block party who really, really wants to be your friend, and won’t stop hounding you about joining the over-40 softball league and tries to be super nice but you just know he’s got a dark side…..

Anyway, join us in the forums to discuss: http://www.freejinger.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=13046&sid=f3695849c98ddcea2e21a28ab6e9601b&start=80


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