Heh, I marked last week's post as Episode Three. Please disregard. This is Episode Three. American television has basically frozen in favour of that baffling sport known as football, but the Brits will never let us down! Let's see what they have to offer.

We start with a charming scene of a rat sniffing around old Blitz debris. Old Jenny narrates about the war as we see our first '60s peace sign, while Fred and a bunch of neighbours plan for a nuclear attack in the basement of a strip club (no, really). Apparently they make really good bunkers. Phyllis and Sr. MJ argue over whether or not to cull the rats. You'd be surprised to find which side the vegetarian falls on.

A young guy from the meeting, Tony, helps out in his dad's garage. He also appears to have a pregnant wife ohgeewhatasurprise. Patsy comes over to check on Mrs Tony.

Phyllis is summoned by Dr. Turner (and Shelagh and baby Angela) to check out various victims of a current dysentery epidemic. So, yeah, this episode's about diarrhea. And action movies think they're gritty.

Mrs Tony tells Patsy how much her husband is into decorating and Judy Garland and Spandex. Since it's the '60s, she just thinks he's very civilized. Shelagh gives a talk on dysentery and hand-washing. Phyllis takes over, much to the ex-nun's annoyance. They hand out a bucket of soap.

Tom shows up to ask Trixie to check on a vicar's injured wife. The vicar's name is Hibbert, and yes, you are picturing the exact same thing I am.

Trixie is also in charge of some beauty pageant, which I can't be bothered to care about. Phyllis examines Mrs MacAvoy, who is extremely poor and ridden with fleas.

In a bar, Tony's dad tells him that he's proud of him, especially with the marriage to Marie and the forthcoming baby. Tony looks miserable. The nuns and midwives plan the pageant because they literally have nothing better to do. Mrs MacAvoy takes her boys to see their dad. Relations between the two seem fairly strained, especially since they are barely able to eat. Dan promises that things will get better soon.

Tony goes out to the gentlemen's club, which is apparently just for gentlemen. He meets a handsome fella in the bathroom and they start to get it on something fierce. Seriously, it's the hottest thing I've seen on this show yet.

Not that there's much competition.

Unfortunately for Tony, his new paramour is an undercover cop. He is immediately arrested and charged with gross indecency. Trixie happens to be with Marie, who was the winner of the pageant last year (boy, does she work fast), when the police come to the door. She is stunned, disbelieving, and short on bail. Life is not fair, you guys.

The only good news is that Noakes is the cop at the door, so apparently Chummy isn't totally gone yet.

Trixie seems tolerant of the situation, having more of an issue with a cheating than with the gender. She was even someone's beard once. Patsy is nervous as hell. Marie still doesn't think her husband did it, but her father (who owns the garage, not Tony's dad) immediately fires him and distances himself from the couple. Marie vows to stand by his side through the trial - and whatever comes next.

Shelagh tries to find a common link between the dysentery cases, and the cause, because apparently this is House now and oh my god what an awesome show that would be. Phyllis makes her rounds, but can't find the MacAvoys (though she does find a lot of anti-Irish racism instead). Patsy tries to keep cheerful with Marie, but the spark has already gone out of her. At the very least, Marie's pregnancy seems to be okay. She still doesn't believe her husband is gay - not with all the love she felt for him.

Phyllis asks Shelagh what could have happened with the MacAvoys. They conclude it was a false address. We see the family living on the street. Barbara is put to task with endless sewing. Trixie looks incredible in an all-black, Marilyn-Monroe-style ensemble.

Fred continues his nuke prep, which is made difficult by having to chase Sr. MJ away from the rat poison all day. Phyllis has no luck with Mrs MacAvoy. Tony asks Dr. Turner to be a character witness. The doctor vehemently tells him that he's not a bad man, and he should cling to his family.

At dinner, the Nonnatus ladies debate whether it's ok to be gay. Sr. MJ tells them that fornication used to be handled by stoning, so why should they judge? Sr. Winnifred thinks it's a sin, Sr. Julienne thinks it should be left to the court. Phyllis takes it as a sign that everyone should marry ugly men.

Dr. Turner, who is up on his Kinsey and also had some experience in the military (well, not that kind of experience) explains to Shelagh how a gay man can impregnate a lady. In bed, Marie asks Tony whether it was just once, and assures him that everyone is allowed a mistake, which is totally not how life works dumbass.

Trixie and Phyllis go out on a call in a near-abandoned building. Marie and Dr. Turner come to court to testify for Tony. Noakes testifies for the police, I guess because they don't want to pay more than one actor to be a cop. The building is a very sketchy boarding house, and I mean sketchy. It's disgusting even by this show's standards. Mrs MacAvoy is both ill with dysentery and in labor, which means she'll probably be the show's first childbirth death in a few seasons.

Dr. Turner advocates for Tony, but the judge isn't hearing it. He suggests treatment for the man's homosexuality. Even that gets nowhere. Tony is sentenced by a very cold judge, who gives him probation, as long as he gets that treatment that killed Benedict Cumberbatch in that movie you regretted seeing this Christmas. Yup, it's the ol' chemical castration for him.

Trixie delivers the baby and kills cockroaches at the same time, because she's a badass. The MacAvoy baby is a girl. Healthy, too, by the look of it. Tony is put on a bunch of weird medications, rather than getting electroshock or aversion therapy, since this is a terrible, terrible world. When she hears her husband will likely be impotent, Marie shrugs and says that they already have their child, officially making her the world's greatest hag. They go over to Daddy's garage, where they are met with rejection.

Mr MacAvoy is located and introduced to his incredibly goofy-looking daughter. Seriously, newborns are not a thing of beauty, regardless of what anyone tells you. Furthermore, he has finally found a landlord who will rent to an Irishman, so it looks like they'll have a home.

Tony is understandably reluctant to take the tablets, though his wife insists he do so in order to stay out of prison. She insists they'll have a new start. You poor, deluded thing.

Dr. Turner goes to the boarding house. We find out that the boys have been hospitalized. Phyllis demands that he get the place shut down, but he protests that resources are limited. Trixie and Phyllis are placed in quarantine for two days, which sounds like a great sitcom. Phyllis demands that they practice her Spanish together, which to be fair is exactly what I would do. Soon enough, Trixie's having a drink and they're sharing their sordid pasts.

Tom and Trixie help set up the beauty pageant while Patsy gets Marie and the current queen ready. Marie is silent and grumpy. Just then, one of the neighbours runs in with a newspaper article detailing Tony's homosexuality. She demands that Marie be thrown out, especially before the children see. Patsy tells her not to be small-minded. Marie wails to Patsy that her life is over, and finally admits that her husband is inclined the way he is. Tears flow on both sides. At the civil defence meeting, Fred reluctantly tells Tony that he has to be thrown out - not because of the sexuality, but because of the criminal charge. Tony sadly goes home, only to be met by flying glass as thrown by Marie. "My mother said a man can be too clean," she wails as knicknacks go flying across the room. They get in a screaming match, and Tony says he wanted the man despite his own self-loathing, and they wind up crying together. He suggests that he go away, but she says he has to stick by the baby and get cured. His face is that of a man trapped.

Patsy wonders if she's the only person who doesn't hate the queers. Trixie protests that the Rose Queen is more important than any silly human rights. She also wonders why Patsy is so hung up on it. Patsy acidly replies that she's like Sr. MJ - she doesn't like "culls". Oooh, that is a great line. Forget everyone who's left the show, Patsy is awesome enough. I officially crown her Queen of the Universe.

Tony starts his injections, miserable as fuck. Dr. Turner has decided to shut down the awful boarding house after all, and enlists Phyllis's help. Dr. Turner delivers an epic rant to the guy-who's-in-charge-of-these-things. Phyllis unexpectedly shines, sympathizing with the bureaucrat about how hard it must be. They win an inspection and a quarantine, which is a start.

Marie finds that people cross the street to avoid her. The word "queer" is spray-painted on their door. Just as she's going to clean it up, she starts labor. Patsy arrives to help her out. Tony goes to the garage and gets into the car and oh jesus fuck I know exactly what he's going to do. Oh no he's grabbing the rubber tubing this is the worst I hate this planet there is no reason why this should happen. Marie's dad comes by the house and sees that she's in labor, just as she's crying for Tony. She gives birth to a girl, who is healthy and undoubtedly fabulous.

Marie's dad stops by the garage on the way home, where he finds Tony in the car with the motor running. Fortunately, Tony is still alive. Dad gives a long lecture about how much Marie and the baby need him, and how they would be lost without him, even if he is a weird pervert.

The place is fumigated with something that will undoubtedly give the residents cancer thirty years later. Dr. Turner and Phyllis guilt trip him about his own family until he agrees to help get the place shut down for good. Shelagh House traces the outbreak to a food truck, which contains its own Typhoid Mary running around the neighbourhood. The couple make Holmes and Watson references, which must drive the shippers mad.

Tony is introduced to his baby girl, tearfully admitting that he doesn't know how to be a dad. Patsy watches with serious doubts, while the father-in-law is moved to tears. The boarding house is shut down in record time, much to the relief of Turner and Crane (which incidentally would also be a good spinoff). Tony shows up before the beauty pageant to a great deal of hostility. In fact, he's come to make sure that his wife will be in the pageant, even to the point of looking after the newborn solo. Trixie makes a speech about loving sinners, the gossipy neighbours are temporarily shut up, and Marie is back in the pageant.

The five MacAvoys move into a lovely, clean apartment. Sr. MJ manages to prevent some boys from killing a rat, which pleases absolutely no one. And that's all a big metaphor for the homosexual. I really can't tell if this is offensive or not. Tony plays the piano for the baby, Old Jenny lectures about being honest with each other, and the pageant is finally held. And oh dear god is it ever elaborate. Marie's dad shows up, and even Tony arrives late pushing the pram. Tom asks for applause for the outgoing Rose Queen, but receives precisely none - until Tony, Dad, Patsy and the Nonnatus group stand up, shaming the rest of the audience to their feet.

Next time - HOOKERS! Apparently Winnifred becomes one, if the dialogue has anything to go by. A dad really wants a boy, a mom has a complication, and Sr. MJ is still senile.

Anyway, my father (who lived in England in the 60's) insists that this episode is not historically accurate, though Benedict Cumberbatch's movie begs to differ. For what it's worth, I found it fascinating. It was a nice change to have a problem that didn't involve the mother for once, and more of a social problem rather than health. It's also a stark reminder of how shitty the world used to be - and still is, in much of the world. All in all, the episode was quite interesting, despite a few seemingly contrived moments (and the plot with poverty is nothing new). Furthermore, Patsy, Trixie and Phyllis shone this episode, which suggests that this show has a viability beyond its former leads. I can't wait to follow the adventures that come next.

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