Bitches, Witches, and a Host of Hotties

We open on the Robin Hood family walking down a Storybrooke Street. Robin tells Marion that, though the town might seem strange, she’ll get used to it. Let me give you a piece of advice, Marion. You’ll fit in better if you ditch the rags, head over to the Storybrooke Banana Republic, and find something more “I’m-a-hip-young-mom†and less “I-live-in-a-hovel.†And please take Elsa with you.

Roland wants ice cream and attempts to break his mother’s heart by telling her “Regina lets me.†Marion handles it well, though Robin looks mighty uncomfortable. They head into Any Given Sundae (and meet ice cream lady/Snow Queen. Robin explains the lack of good ice cream back in the old country, but I wonder, for the thousandth time, why Storybrooke citizens don’t ask strangers who they were in the Enchanted Forest. Have we learned nothing from Snow’s wicked nanny? Strangers always turn out to be the new bad guys.

Snow Queen/ice cream lady casts a spell on Marion’s cone. (What if the kid wanted a lick? They always do.) The Hoods thank Snow Queen and she babbles on about happy families, so I’m guessing that’s what she’s bitter about and why she’s evil. Marion takes a lick of her cone and smiles but she is not as delighted as one should be when tasting ice cream for the first time.

Hook, Emma, and Elsa confront Gold about how Elsa ended up in his urn. Gold insists he had nothing to do with it and that he’s turned over a new leaf since he lost his son and married the most simpering girl in the world. He has Belle use the Dark One dagger to prove that he’s not lying. Belle looks so smug when Gold continues to insist he doesn’t know Elsa. (“See, people!! He’s got a good heart!â€)

In Arendelle past, Elsa has cute bangs, but she doesn’t care about her good hair day (or the fact that she’s still wearing that blue gown. Doesn’t the royal closet have anything else in it?). She’s still looking for Ana. Elsa and Kristoff have some witty banter and if I were Ana I’d worry.

But there’s no time! An army, led by douchey Prince Hans, is getting set to attack Arendelle. Kristoff wants to go check it out, Elsa says no, it’s too dangerous and don’t we all know where this is heading? Kristoff’s going to do it anyway. Elsa will go after him and oh the hijinks that will ensue.

In Storybrooke present, Snow, the new mayor, holds a town hall meeting, while holding Princeling Neal (Hated that character. Hate that name). Charming tries to get her to put the baby down, but she won’t hear of it. The townspeople, spurred on by Grumpy, get angry that the ice wall that’s trapping them in town is only number four on the agenda. Grumpy is right, but I’m distracted by the fact that there are a lot of “townspeople†we’ve never seen before. Who are they? Who were they? Why does one of them look startlingly like Leona Helmsley?

Snow stupidly says the ice wall is nothing to worry about. Grumpy astutely replies that it’s not the ice wall he’s worried about, but the creature that made it. Snow is losing control of the meeting quickly, but Marion is freezing over more quickly. She collapses.

Over at Granny’s Diner, Regina tries to trick Henry into telling her the author of the fairytale book. But he’s lived with an Evil Queen mom long enough to know when she’s lying. He asks her what she’s up to. She explains that she wants to get herself a happy ending by forcing (ahem, “askingâ€) the author to change the story. Henry inexplicably thinks this is a good idea because the book “is wrong about you.†No, it’s not, Henry, and you know it. Still, they decide to work together to find the author.

Robin enters and begs Regina to help with the Marion situation. Regina walks into the mayor’s office, makes fun of Snow’s taste in art, then agrees to try to slow down Marion’s deep freeze. Can I just add here that, while I like Regina’s Evil Queen and Mayor clothes the best, she can rock a casual t-shirt and vest. See, Marion? There’s got to be a Banana Republic in town.

But Marion can’t see, on account of being still frozen. Hook, Emma, and Elsa enter. Regina accuses Elsa of icing Marion. Emma defends Elsa (even though she’s just met her). Elsa thinks true love’s kiss will break the spell. Robin obliges, but it doesn’t work. Charming thinks cold is acting as a barrier. Regina says she’ll have to research further how to save Marion, then makes a snide remark about Emma’s savior abilities as Emma heads out to find the culprit. Hook offers to go with Emma but she snaps at him quite bitchily—my, my if the Jolly Roger crew could only see their fearless captain now.

In Arendelle past, Kristoff spies on Hans’ army. He gathers intelligence about the urn they want to use to capture Elsa. I gather intelligence that tells me Hans’ brothers are waaaaaay cuter than he is. Elsa and Kristoff decide to go destroy the urn.

In Storybrooke, Grumpy is still riling up the townspeople (including Leona) against Elsa. The Snow Queen/ice cream lady hears them and smiles evilly.

In Arendelle past, Elsa and Kristoff walk through the forest toward the urn and talk about feeling like outsiders. Seriously, Ana? Your sister’s about to steal your fiancé.

In Storybrooke present, Hook leads Elsa down a street but she balks at following him. Why does he keep letting the women bitch at him? I want him to grow a pair! And he sort of does. He tells Elsa he’s not taking her into hiding. He’s going to try to deal with the crisis.

Charming and Emma head to Robin Hood’s camp to see if they can get to the root of the popsicle Marion problem. They meet Will Scarlet. (I never saw Once Upon A Time In Wonderland, but I like this guy. His accent’s adorable.) Will bolts. Charming takes him down. They do an impromptu interrogation and Will tells them about suspicious non-melting ice cream at Any Given Sundae.

At Gold’s shop, Hook tells Gold he knows about the fake dagger and will remain silent if Gold helps him. Gold says he’ll help but he looks angry. I wouldn’t want to make Gold angry. But since Hook has re-grown his cojones, he doesn’t seem to mind. Gold uses a strand of Marion’s hair to determine the source of the dark magic.

On the street, Dr. Hopper runs into Snow who’s having trouble wrangling her stroller since she won’t put the damn kid down. Hopper psychoanalyzes her fear of losing this baby like she lost Emma. (Turns out she should just “let it go.†Get it?) But he doesn’t help her with the stroller.

Emma, Will, and Charming break into the ice cream shop and discover a lot of ice and no cooling system. We discover that Emma and Charming are the Worst. Sheriffs. Ever. because they leave Will alone while they search the back of the store. He takes the opportunity to run, but not before cleaning out the cash register. Emma is full of self doubt about her sheriffing abilities. (She should be.) Charming gives her a pep talk. As dads will.

In the woods, Elsa and Hook follow the magic to its source, the Ice Queen. On the way, Elsa gives Hook relationship advice about Emma and how hard it is for her to trust people. Hook reiterates my own sentiments. Emma and Elsa have known each other for like 12 hours, but they’re suddenly BFFs?

In Arendelle past, Elsa and Kristoff make it to the cave with the urn and exchange some more witty banter. If Ana doesn’t show up soon, these two are going to be naming their own little prince. (As long as it’s not Neal.) Elsa sees the writing on the urn, thinks it might be a clue to others with magic, and hesitates to destroy it. Kristoff reminds her it’s dangerous. But of course, it’s too late. Hans and the hotties approach. A swordfight ensues, Hans takes Kristoff hostage.

In the Storybrooke woods, Hook and Elsa come upon the Snow Queen. Hook takes out his cell phone. Elsa wonders what it is and we come to my favorite line of the week: Hook replies “I don’t bloody know. I press ‘Emma’ and she answers usually.â€

Actually, I changed my mind. Back in the Arendelle cave, Hans holds Kristoff at sword point and says of Ana: “I never tried to kill her. I left her to die.†I love an unapologetic villain. Elsa decides to give Hans the urn. Then she stupidly explains her plan to save Arendelle. Uum, Elsa, bubby, Hans can hear you. You’re cut out to be queen the way Emma is cut out to be sheriff.

Hans tries to capture Elsa in the urn (while feeding into her self-doubt about being a “monsterâ€). He opens the urn and ooze comes out. And it takes its sweet time as it approaches Elsa. Don’t just stand there Elsa!!! Starting shooting ice at people!! But she doesn’t listen. She watches as the ooze takes on the form of the Snow Queen. (And we watch as yet another villain displays impressive cleavage.)

The Snow Queen takes charge and freezes Hans and the hotties run away. (Hot but useless. Isn’t that always the way?) Being trapped in an urn must take a toll, ‘cause the Ice Queen’s hair seems a little messy. She’s also developed a deadpan way of speaking.

In the Storybrooke woods, Hook and Elsa leave to find Emma. They make no effort to hide or be quiet. (hot and useless). So the Snow Queen, who’s used to dealing with this sort of ineptitude, freezes Hook to the ground.

The Snow Queen knows Elsa, but Elsa doesn’t remember the Snow Queen. The Snow Queen says Ana’s the one who trapped Elsa in the urn. I’m guessing that’s not true, because the Snow Queen also lies when she says she froze Marion by accident. Elsa proves she’s not irredeemably stupid when she says she doesn’t believe the Snow Queen. So the Snow Queen changes her story. She was trying to teach Elsa a lesson, she says, that “everyone turns on people like us.â€

To prove her point, she tries to kill Hook with ice spikes, but Emma and Charming interrupt. The Snow Queen says she’s heard of Emma and….oooh! Magic fight!! Emma saves Hook and Charming from certain death!

In the meantime, the Snow Queen escapes. But in Arendelle past, the Snow Queen and Elsa, having escaped Hans and the hotties, are back at the castle discussing their magic. We learn that the Snow Queen is Elsa’s aunt and she wants to help Elsa find Ana. Run, Elsa!

In the Storybrooke woods, Emma is upset. Charming assumes it’s because this is the second outlaw she’s let escape in this episode alone. But no, Emma is upset because there’s something familiar about the Snow Queen but she can’t figure out what it is. Charming puffs her up like Emma’s a four-year-old after a dance recital. “You did great, sweetie! You’re the best!†Hook, who’s apparently a glutton for punishment, joins the praise-fest. And Emma bitches at him again.

In the mayor’s office, Marion looks even more frozen than last time we saw her, which I didn’t think was possible. Robin enters and tells Regina that his true love’s kiss didn’t work on Marion because Robin is still in love with Regina. And again, I say, Robin, bubby, your ex-dead, frozen wife is right there on the couch. Maybe she can’t hear you but still. A tad insensitive, no?

I suppose it could be worse. They could have just let Marion die. Instead, Henry runs in with a box. (Really, Regina? You sent him to your heart vault filled for a box?) Regina yanks out Marion’s heart (which seems harder to do through the ice) to keep Marion alive. Robin seems a little put off by the procedure.

At Granny’s, Hook again tries to be nice to Emma and she AGAIN bitches at him. Let it go, my sweet pirate; you deserve better. But he doesn’t take my advice. He APOLOGIZES. Then Emma explains she’s being mean to him because everyone she’s ever been with is dead. That makes a weird sort of sense. They make up and kiss.

In the woods, the Snow Queen runs into Gold. Of course they know each other. I’m sure they’re probably related, like everyone else on this show. Gold offers to help Snow Queen with whatever her evil plan may be. She refuses.

I’m curious about the history between Emma and the Snow Queen. And why does Emma have a hazy memory of knowing her? She doesn’t have a hazy memory of anyone else in Storybrooke, so I’m going to postulate that the Ice Queen spent some time in our world. Time will tell. To join the discussion, go to the forum: http://www.freejinger.org/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=13046&p=809460#p809460