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Drowning


ClaraOswin

1,940 views

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Just completely overwhelmed with life. Tonight I am freaking out about my rheumatoid arthritis. I am worried it's basically going to kill me. Shorten my life by 10+ years. I hate the internet. I've had a cough for 2 weeks. Is it allergies? A cold? Or something worse? I never had to worry about this sort of thing before.

My son was just diagnosed with autism. While it was mostly expected...it's still been hard for me. It just opens up a whole new set of worries. What will his future look like?

Then you combine the worries about my son with the worries about my health and I go in full panic mode.

My husband started a new job. He no longer works from home (like he had been doing the last 10 years) so everything in my day to day life has changed. I am trying to get used to it but it's been harder than I thought.

Some days I am feeling very positive about the future - my health, my son, etc. But then other times I feel terrified. I don't have any friends to talk to. I am still not strong enough to see a therapist (nor do I have any "free" time lately it seems.) I don't like venting to my mom and husband every time I am upset. So here I am. Maybe not the best place to go...especially since I've been so horrible about keeping up with everyone here.

I'm just so lost.

I have my next appointment with my rheumatologist in a couple days. I hope he can set my mind at ease about some things. 

I am thinking about finding some sort of support group for parents with kids with autism. If I can work up the courage to do it, at least.

I just feel like the last couple years have been one thing after another for our family. I am so over it.

Yes, things could always be worse. But they could also be better.

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Blahblah

Posted (edited)

(((((Hugs))))) Talk away. We're good for that here. Anonymous ears, good advice, friendship. You aren't as alone as you think and online friendship counts too.

If I recall, your son is quite little. If you find a playgroup to join with other autism spectrum kids so that you have a peer group who relate to your circumstances that would be a good start. Don't look at it as a support group for you, but an activity for him. That might make it feel less scary. 

Edited by Blahblah
  • Upvote 9
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ClaraOswin

Posted

I did find a once a month playgroup for kids his age with autism so we might try that in November.

  • Upvote 8
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I'm sorry, Clara. I'm in a different "season of life," so to speak, but I struggle with anxiety and depression and feeling isolated. The circumstances you're going through with your health and your son's diagnosis are tough. On top of that, adjusting to your husband's new work situation -- well, anyone would be thrown for a loop. Just remember that there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you're feeling. It doesn't make you ungrateful. It just means you're human. Life is messy. 

The only advice I can give you is to take little steps. Really, really little steps. Sounds like a playgroup could be good for little H, but before you jump in with both feet and get overwhelmed, maybe start getting used to going places, just the two of you -- I think I remember that you and your husband usually both go out and on errands, etc. with him. That's probably going to need to change, so let it be your decision and happen at your pace.

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CharlieInCharge

Posted

I have also found some great groups on Facebook. It's not the same as RL groups, but some have meet-ups or other events. Try searching for autism or autism/local area and see what you find. Good luck with your doctor, I hope things get better!

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AliceInFundyland

Posted

Yeah, you know you always can come here. I feel like I'm on repeat sometimes...but I don't care, fj really was instrumental in keeping me afloat. And now it's about more than fundies. I think everyone should be able to rant about everything they want to if it's helping to keep them sane.  Don't isolate yourself. That makes it worse.

:my_heart:

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SassyPants

Posted

Oh Clara, vent away. You have a lot on your plate. Take one day at a time. I think that cough thing is going around. I have it too :(...My back hurts so much from coughing. I agree with everyone else. Do not isolate yourself and take every bit of help that you can get.

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MarblesMom

Posted

Clara, we support you!  Baby steps, as suggested, seem like a good way to go.  One play date meet-up commitment.  If it doesn't work out, or suit you, there ya go.  You went.

I also am a HUGE supporter of professional counseling.  In most areas, you can see a counselor on a sliding scale (check out your county's MH clinics).  Getting an unbiased opinion and feedback on your situation might be helpful.

Regardless of the route you choose, we love hearing from you :)  

Parenting isn't easy.  Neither is adulting.  Hang in there!

And, vent away!

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ClaraOswin

Posted

Thanks, all. I feel like I'm always such a Debbie Downer over here so I don't want to annoy people. I was actually a part of an online group while I was pregnant and we were all still in a Facebook group together....but I recently decided to leave....partly because of the Debbie Downer thing. (And also because I could no longer relate to them and it was upsetting to see their kids reaching milestones with such ease.)

I don't want people think think I'm sad all the time. But it definitely goes in waves, it seems. I struggled a lot around my son's birthday and then the holidays last year and unfortunately, it looks like it may be hard again this year. 

I am still having a hard time letting go of all of the expectations I had. I read a blog recently that I need to make myself re-read often, I think.  https://themighty.com/2016/10/autism-and-halloween-accepting-that-my-son-wont-wear-a-costume/ The very last sentence is basically the mindset I wish I could get to.

I want to enjoy everything with my son even if it isn't exactly what I had planned or hoped for. I want to celebrate his milestones, no matter when they occur. But it's so hard because from the second they are born, you are asked about these things - "has he rolled over yet? has he started crawling? does he say mom?"  Etc. etc. And then when they don't do things at the "right" time you kind of blame yourself. Or when they do things "late" you feel like you need to celebrate in private because people will be like "geez, he should have done that a long time ago!" 

I've been getting better with that part. I've started posting things we are excited about on Facebook and Instagram and screw anyone who judges me for it, you know? Thankfully those closest to us will "get" it and will get excited with us.

I've also been trying not to look at the ages on toys and things. Because so what if the toy is meant for a younger child? If it fits in with where my son is, developmentally, that's all that matters. And really who cares anyway? It's for MY kid in MY house. I LOVE toys so it has been hard for me because, again, the reality just isn't what I thought it would be. At this age, I thought we'd be doing different things and buying various toys and games that he just is no where near ready for. Maybe he never will be. I don't know. So once again, trying to let go of those expectations has been hard. Even with little things, like toys.

I am really trying though....most days. Other days, I get so, so depressed. 

And this is the longest comment ever and, as usual, kind of all over the place. Ha!

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Blahblah

Posted

I have a very sporty friend whose life revolved around sports clubs, coaching etc. Her son turned out to be a frail, sickly child with such severe eczema that he spent weeks every year in hospital in wet wrap bandages.

He was about four when something changed in her. She said that she had realized that she was grieving the son that she was "supposed" to get. The one who was kicking a ball as soon as he could walk, who ran an jumped and played rough games. She spent so much time looking for the boy she thought she would have that she was missing it on the boy she did have. The cheeky, wickedly funny kid with the kind heart and the loyal friends who would sit and play games with him when he couldn't go out.

It made me look at myself and my attitude to TeenBlah (always been a difficult kid) and I often think of her when things get tough.

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AliceInFundyland

Posted

Debbie Downer? Seriously? Look at my most recent status post--which is a bit buried...it's a lyric collage about my ex-boyfriend who won't let me talk to him. He's still (after 2 years) "processing"...I'm way farther along, I just want to be friends again, but he "isn't ready yet, but thinks he will be."  C'mon now. :) If that can be tolerated, this surely can. You are all good.

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Clara, you've had tough things to deal with.  As you know our son also has issues, and although his Aspergers, ADHD, ODD and dyspraxia weren't diagnosed until later, there was clearly something different about him from when he was a toddler.  It was hard going.  My physical health was good, but I struggled mentally. My husband worked long hours.  It was tough - where you are now is tough.  My saviour, as well as counselling for depression, was putting him into daycare one day a week even though, like you, I was a SAHM.  It gave me a chance to get things done, have lunch with friends, have a nap, or just relax.  It gave me time just to be me.  It helped so much in that time before he started formal preschool.  

Don't  isolate yourself, but all of us with kids a bit different can understand why your old mothers' group might not work for you now.  like the other posters have said, give that Autism playgroup a go.  You might just meet a new friend or two there - they'll all understand what it's like to have a kid who is a bit different.

And good on you for celebrating the milestones when they happen.  They're  all the more appreciated when they're hard won.

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ClaraOswin

Posted

Thanks. I looked into some sort of daycare or something but unfortunately, I just don't feel I would trust them with my son. I couldn't find anything specifically for kids with delays and whatnot. 

My mom comes over once a week. Sometimes twice. Lately I've had to go to various appointments on those days (including tomorrow...ugh.) But it should be quieting down soon. That means I can get to the wellness center to swim when she comes over. Or run errands and stuff. There are also things I'd like to get done around the house without having to watch my son at the same time. Other times, I just sit on the computer and kind of zone out when she's here. It's really nice of her to help out.

I really think it will be so bittersweet next year when preschool starts. Some days I think it can't come soon enough and other days I dread it.

He's actually napping today.....I can hardly believe it! I think therapy wore him out this morning.

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Chicken bones

Posted

You never know how things are going to be months ahead with even "typically" developing children. Each one is different as well.  I have a very dear friend who has ended up with two children with totally different de novo genetic syndromes (one has severe autism spectrum issues) and has had to adjust to a wildly different life than she expected (ironically she is also an autism/early childhood therapist). she has a wonderful blog is you want a link to it...and she rages and cries but also celebrates and survives. but it's been tough.

FB_IMG_1477698101435.jpg

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Fascinated

Posted

@ClaraOswin, I want to reiterate what others have stated. It DOES NOT MATTER a whit when your son reaches milestones. Don't compare him to others. I'm sure a number of the mothers you know are all about whose child us biggest, or fastest, or which baby came out of the womb holding his head up and reading newspapers. It doesn't matter.

Our oldest son was so 'strange'.  No, he was not on the spectrum. But he was paralyzed by shyness. His report card would say things like: 'he got up off the bench and entered the classroom' or, 'he spoke to another kid today!!'.  I won't bore you with details of the man he is today, but, rest assured, it is hard to believe that this is the same person.

I don't mean to make light of your situation at all. But, your son has a wonderful, loving mom and dad. He is going to be fine. I promise you, he is going to be great. 

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ClaraOswin

Posted

@Chicken bones I'd love a link to that blog. Thanks!

@Fascinated Thanks. I know it doesn't matter but for some reason it still makes me sad a lot of the time. It sucks.  And is this your son that is a musician?

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Fascinated

Posted

Just now, ClaraOswin said:

@Chicken bones I'd love a link to that blog. Thanks!

@Fascinated Thanks. I know it doesn't matter but for some reason it still makes me sad a lot of the time. It sucks.  And is this your son that is a musician?

No. This is my son who is a doctor. He ended up doing pretty well. It's not just his careeer though. He's happily married with two gorgeous little boys. He's been with his wife for nineteen years, though they are in their early thirties. He's happy. He has a son who just turned three, which is your son's age, correct?  And, guess what. His kid is weird. And smart and funny and adorable. 

I'm just trying to stress that, even though you are worried, and I understand that, your son is going to be fine.  The cleverest, happiest people sometimes (often) give their parents a great deal of worry when they are three, four, ten, fifteen (oh my god, fifteen), thirty!!!!  I know you have issues and worries.  Every parent does for various reasons, and yours are serious ones.  But your little fellow already has what he needs most.  You. 

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Grimalkin

Posted

   Sometimes when our kids are struggling seeing happy smiling families on FB just sucks. If that's how you feel stay away for a while. 

      I do have a few acquaintances on FB who have children with Autism. They celebrate the accomplishment. It's nice. Who cares what others think.

i think it would do you a world of good to find moms to go to the park with and just chat. It's hard work, but worth the effort. 

     Feel free to say what you want, whenever you want, as often as you want to here. 

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Chickenbutt

Posted

Clara, do you live in or near a big city? You might want to look at a university for a student (and by that I mean a Masters or PhD student) that is majoring in Child Psychology, Child Development or something of the sort, that might be looking to make a few extra dollars to spend a few hours with your child. You can call department heads and they might know who is qualified and might be interested. Give it some thought.

Also, I want to add my support and reiterate a previous post to you. Remember this?

"I am of the belief that everyone has something to contribute to the world. And "typical" does not exist. Your child is who he/she is and that is just the right thing. He/she will contribute to this world in a way that no other "typical" child will."

Hang in there. You will have hard times, you will have good times, but most of all, you have times with your son. That is priceless.

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