On 9/30, after his scary lecture to someone who he thought might not have been totally entranced by his What Would You Do With Jesus message, Gary read Genesis 5:24 - And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.
"Ahwanna ask ya a question. Enoch took it serious, an' said hey ah believe the for mah children's sake because if you read the whole story there read the whole chapter maybe ya oughta go home an' do that amen? Won't hurtchu to read a chapter of the Bahble today ah read uh 27 today. That make ya say wha? Ah wanna know more about Jesus. Ah didn't just say it, ah put actions on it, amen? You say 'Yeah but you're a preacher, you don't have nothin' else t'do.'"
He stops for a weird and rather evil-looking smirk and some congregants laugh:
Can't you just imagine him explaining to James Bond how the incredibly slow, torturous killing apparatus will work?
"You'd be surprahsed. Ah'll tell ya what - bein' that you don't think ah do nothin' else, ah invite you to Miss Stout's house at ten o'clock in the mornin' an' come an' help me load mah stuff up. You'll fahnd out how hard ah work, amen? But walkin' with God. That's an important thing in your life, amen?"
Oh, I guess we're back to Enoch. He never did ask them a question - guess that was just one of Gary's verbal farts.
He says there are people today that can walk the walk, but can't talk the talk, and then corrects himself (I wonder if Becky gives him a "flip it around the other way" signal of some sort at those moments).
He says he doesn't know anything about being in the Army, because he never was, but he's been learning over the last few days - it sounds like he's been having or overhearing conversations with a woman who serves in the Army, who is there in church. He says "she's the leader," and uses her as an example of needing to keep people "walking within the line."
Well, he was able to acknowledge a woman in the armed forces, and being in charge of others, with no sarcastic comments (so far). Practically miraculous, for Gary.
He says they have to do the same thing for "the Lord Jesus Crah." He talks about how he didn't like "the footprint" because he didn't understand it, but now he does.
Reminding them they have to take every opportunity to talk about Jesus, Gary says he's:
Aw, Gary names his hats! Isn't that cute?
Now I want to name my clothes! How about a pair of socks called Fred and Ginger? Ah, but how could I tell which is which? Better do that with a pair of shoes, instead.
After yelling at them (or maybe just that one person he got pissed off at before - hard to tell) about reading the Bible for a while, then starts in on how the mysterious "they" are going to take away all the Bibles someday.
He brings up how "they were tryin' to git rid of Dr. Seuss." "What that is is they gotta git you inbrained an' they gotta git you instilled an' they gotta git you sold out for the news media, amen, an' believin' what they're sayin' an' they kin take the Dr. Seusses an' then they come gitcher King James Bahble. If you've got an NIV they prob'ly won't mess withya ya say wha? Heh - there ain't much in there about God amen."
I love that "ingrained" has turned into "inbrained." It's one of those semi-logical malapropisms.
Gary does his usual crap about his love affair with the KJV, and admits he doesn't understand all of it. But he seems to have an odd idea of what that means.
He's "fixin' t'go through Chronicles" next week, "an' ah'm gonna say 'Joe,' an' 'Bob,' an' 'Sue,' an' th'rest of 'em, ya say wha? Ah'm not gon' be able t'pronounce all them names."
Gary says he's "not makin' fun" or "makin' laht." But then makes his joke about being thankful his Momma didn't know all of those names when she named him.
So, not being able to pronounce the names in Chronicles is the only way in which you think you don't understand the Bible, Gary?
I grant, Chronicles has some long lists of names - I don't think most of them are difficult, but I'm a word nerd and a musician who loves to mimic sounds, and have had the sounds of the original Hebrew that the transliteration is supposed to represent in my head for over 60 years. So I can only try imagine how they look to someone who only knows English, and then to someone who barely reads English, like Gary.
Not to mention that, when it comes to using the Bible as a guide for life, morality or anything important, all of those name lists in Chronicles are useless. Tom Lehrer's Elements, various Cole Porter and Stephen Sondheim songs, Tchaikovsky, that little Mozart ditty about all of the women Don G. has shtupped, and many other catalog songs are much more entertaining, and some are useful!
Gary, skip the lists of names altogether, unless you really need to know who begat who for some reason.
Well, looking those songs up was a fun distraction from Gary - let's see what he said next.
Oh, just more about the KJV, then "Go t'Proverbs chapter fahve. No, Proverbs chapter three."
I'll meet you there later, Gary. First I need to listen to I Can't Get Started.