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Problem In Society Today


crazydaffodil

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Back on my soap box today...

Recently, a friend of mine was out dancing with some of her friends at a night club.  A young male placed his hands on my friend's butt while she was dancing.  She turned and told him "No!" and continued to dance.  The same male did the same thing to one of her friends.  When she too told him "No!," he put his hands in front of her and attempted to touch her crotch.  This woman grabbed his hand, twisted his arm and asked him to leave them all alone.

This story is bad enough at this point because this individual (I first called him a rude name, then deleted it because there is no room for name calling here either) obviously has not regard for other people's feelings and basic human decency.  You DON'T just go around touching people like that, period.  Why would anyone think that this is ok?  I believe it is because he has grown up in a society that glorifies such crude behavior.  Guys do things like this, it gets publicity, and other guys think they want to do that too.  Their buddies egg them on and do nothing to discourage this behavior.  Obviously, parental and scholastic teachings did nothing to make these individuals understand right from wrong.  Society has an obligation to make it be known that this behavior is wrong and it cannot, and will not be tolerated! 

That is why I am writing about this today.  I am so angered that this kind of behavior happens in our world today.  And it isn't unusual.  We hear stories like this far too often.  When is enough going to be enough?  We have to take a stand and put a stop to this.  If we continue to ignore it and shrug it off as just another incident, it will never stop! 

But wait, this true story gets worse.  When this individual was told to stop, not once, but twice, he taunted the second woman and did not move.  Another man attempted to get between them.  There was hope that someone was going to do the right thing here and instruct the first guy that his behavior was wrong.  But no, the second man tells the women that this behavior was THEIR FAULT because of the way they were dancing!!!!  Are you f-ing kidding me????!!!!!

I am embarrassed by this human behavior and outraged that women have to deal with this kind of bullshit.  Men are going to watch and have their thoughts, that cannot be controlled.  That in no way entitles them to act in a manner that is insulting to other human beings and with an idea of entitlement to do whatever they feel like doing.  These two men should have been escorted out of the club at a minimum.  Criminal charges could have been pressed against the first one, but it would become a long, drawn out "He said, she said" affair and no real punishment would likely come of it.  So if that isn't going to put a stop to this kind of behavior, what will?

I believe, and feel free to tell me if you think I am wrong, but I believe that it is incumbent on those of us in today's society who believe this is wrong, to teach our kids the value of right and wrong, the value of personal feelings and that their should be consequences for actions that go beyond what is acceptable.

I'm sure I could go on and on about this, but I will spare you.  I just ask that if you are as enraged as I am (and you may not be because it didn't happen to YOUR friend), to please take some time to think about what you can do to keep this from happening again... and again... and again.

*Stepping down from my soap box now*

Just sayin...

 

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

Amen.  As a mother of boys and a girl I started talking about consent, and how it's not just about the major sex acts - but respecting autonomy, from the time they were little.

Not with words or referencing sex when they were toddlers...but in teaching them about their own autonomy and not forcing them to show physical affection if they didn't want to.  Of course dear old Aunt Sally meant them no harm when she wanted a kiss hello...but if I had no idea how to require them to do that to "be nice and not hurt her feelings" but expect them to know when it's not okay if an adult wants physical contact with which they aren't comfortable.

Except hand shaking.  Certain circumstances require handshakes so thought that was a nice compromise for the snuggly old relatives who mean no harm...and you've never silently laughed until you've seen the face of an 80+ year old woman asking for a kiss being told by a preschooler that kissing makes him uncomfortable, but hello...as he stuck out his little hand for a shake.   

Just seemed cleaner to teach them their bodies are their own and while we owe people courtesy we owe no one physical affection nor does anyone owe it to us.  

This needed to get more nuanced when one was about 8 and decided that his bodily autonomy meant whether or not he bathed ever was his decision and I did thwart his plan to go all summer without a bath to "see how dirty I can get."

But consent was huge in our talks at age appropriate levels.  We owe it to our kids and we owe it to society to teach them boundaries and to keep their hands to themselves without an invitation.

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crazydaffodil

Posted

Handshaking is a great example.  One has to offer their hand and the other has to accept it before even the most casual level of contact is acceptable.

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laPapessaGiovanna

Posted (edited)

3 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Not with words or referencing sex when they were toddlers...but in teaching them about their own autonomy and not forcing them to show physical affection if they didn't want to.  Of course dear old Aunt Sally meant them no harm when she wanted a kiss hello...but if I had no idea how to require them to do that to "be nice and not hurt her feelings" but expect them to know when it's not okay if an adult wants physical contact with which they aren't comfortable.

Except hand shaking.  Certain circumstances require handshakes so thought that was a nice compromise for the snuggly old relatives who mean no harm...and you've never silently laughed until you've seen the face of an 80+ year old woman asking for a kiss being told by a preschooler that kissing makes him uncomfortable, but hello...as he stuck out his little hand for a shake.   

I completely agree with you on the need to explain body ownership and autonomy in an age appropriate way.

I have always tried to respect my daughter's wishes and desires in showing her my affection and also in teaching her how to deal with others. She's not shy at all, it's more likely that I need to restrain her from pestering people excessively than not. But sometimes she just can't stand someone, mainly bearded men and my uncles, and I respect it (and my uncles must suck it up, especially considering how much they pissed me off when I was a child). This said your example made me think because I am also teaching her that a kiss on the cheek is normal and pretty much expected in most cases (excluding the exceptions above) because in our culture it is normal to shake hands and kiss on the cheek a stranger you are being introduced to. The kisses become three when you know the person well or even superficially. Hugs and other forms of physical contact are regarded as no big deal. For example when I was in high school (ETA and at Uni too) it was very common to sit on each other's lap (male or female it didn't matter) when there weren't enough benches/seats on the bus/bar/park/wherever (still remember the faces of the Swedes here for a cultural exchange when they were told that those they thought were couples weren't couples at all, priceless :pb_lol:). Even now I wouldn't mind to sit on my colleagues' (and they wouldn't mind too) lap if need be (but I would never ever sit on one of our wards lap it would be just wrong, also because they are often people who are still learning about healthy boundaries). Most physical contact is quite normal and it's regarded as completely different in nature from unwanted sexual contact. Not all body parts are equal and not every type of contact is the same. However if a person is reluctant and dodging all contact that must be respected too.

With this I mean that social norms and expectations re physical contact can differ between cultures but unwanted sexual contact is recognisably the same and always unacceptable. 

Edited by laPapessaGiovanna
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