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The Conundrums of Conundrum

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Thoughts of Conundrum

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Realizing I Can't Call My Mom Anymore

Last week my daughter's school called to let my husband and me know Twin B was going to be tapped in to National Honor Society. This is a goal B has worked towards for years. She was nominated last year and was devastated when she didn't get in but she took that disappoint and she was determined to make it in this year; and she did it! My mom was still alive when Twin A was selected for National English Honor Society a few months ago and we are all proud of both of them; however, NHS has a ceremony and more prestige than NEHS.  When we got the phone all from school about B's NHS tapping my first thought was "I have call my mom so she can come to the 'tapping in,' too!" Then I realized right after that I can't call her. I cried the entire tapping ceremony because I know my mom would be so very proud.  On an another note, I have a friend whom claims she is a medium and offered a session as a gift to me. She met my mom a couple times seven or eight years ago but we never really spoke of my childhood nor does she know my family. We met in rehab and were in the same group but she didn't know anything about my parents nor did we ever speak of the really personal things in our lives, that was saved for one-on-one with our councillors and doctors. We have kept in touch as a group but I haven't spoken with just her in years. I went into her house with skeptical optimism and with an open heart. Well, l was able to voice record the almost 2 hours I was with her and she knew so much, in such great details, and even answered questions I had written on a piece of paper in my pocket that I didn't tell anyone about. I figured if she was the real deal I would get the answers because my mom knew what I wanted and needed to know.  And one last thing, I was always told my parents planned their pregnancy for me. I asked my dad and he refused to give me any other answer except this: When your mom found out she was pregnant she wanted a girl. I said "Yes, Dad, but was I a PLANNED pregnancy?" He just said "Your mom was so happy when you were born and the doctors said you were a girl." I said to him "Yeah, Dad, I get it, I wasn't planned, I was a surprise!" He just chuckled. LOL!!

Conundrum

Conundrum

 

My mom still with us?

Last week I had a dream of my mom. I couldn't see her but I was speaking with her; sort of like a phone call and she was away on vacation but not dead; just away on vacation or something. She asked me why I decided to give my grandmother's jewelry to Aunt L and I responded that it wasn't right that she kept it all. She didn't sound angry; she was simply asking. I also remember asking her if God is real and she responded "yes."  My best friend had a dream of my mom the next night where twin A was sitting in a tattoo chair and my mom looked at my friend, pointed to my daughters shoulder blade and the tattoo was of a rose with an angel in the middle of the petals and the stem was my mom's handwriting "I love you, (my mom's nickname for my daughter), love, maw maw." Normally that could be considered a coincidence; however, my friend did NOT know my mom called her by a different name nor the spelling. When my friend told me this my daughter asked how her name was spelled. I didn't understand why my daughter asked this but my daughter knew the spelling is different from how I spell it. When she told us how it was spelled I questioned her on it. My friend was adamant it was spelled a different way and then,asked who was (nickname)? My best friend knew we were going to sign a consent form for twin A to get a tattoo but she didn't know what my daughter wanted, the placement, or about her using my mom's handwriting. My daughter is using a birthday card from my mom to have my mom's handwriting tattooed and has a print out of an angel she wants to go with my mom's handwriting so she went to get it. She gave it to me and the nickname is spelled exactly as it was in my friends dream. I was gobsmacked because even I didn't know my mom had spelled it differently in the card!   The next evening, Twin B cut out a paper crown from card stock and placed it on the coffee table. All of a sudden both girls said "mom, the crown is moving! Mawmaw is making the crown move" They told me it had moved twice and only about an inch both times. I thought it was from the ceiling fan or air conditioning vent so I turned both off and said "mom, if you're moving the crown, can you do it again so I can see?" This time, instead of the crown moving an inch or so, it moved, with force, about 8 inches off the table to the floor. (We got a ruler and measured) I then put the crown back on the table exactly where it was before and a few seconds later it slid off the table again and fell to the floor. I watchd too many ghost hunting shows years ago so I got my phone and started recording. I said "mom, is that you who moved the crown off the table? I asked a few more questions about some odd things that happened and then said "I love you, momma" when I played it back I can clearly hear my mom's voice respond "yes" to the moving of the crown and "I love you too" right before I ended the recording.  Then today, while visiting my dad, he told me he hears my mom in her bedroom at night (they had separate bedrooms due to my dad needing a hospital bed and oxygen tank and my mom needing a sleep number adjustable bed and c-pap.) So, I went into her room with my phone recording and asked if she was who my dad is hearing at night and she responded "yes". I also said to her my dad is having a hard time because at night he hears her and when she goes to check her things are still as she left them intending to come home. That's when he remembers she isn't with us anymore so he wants me to start going through her things this week; it's too hard on him to see her clothes and things left out. I told her I don't think I'm ready but I will do it for my dad. When we played the recording back we hear her voice saying "you." It kind of sounds like "thank you" but there is a definite "you." All these things are so coincidental that's it's hard for me to believe it is, in fact, simply coincidence. Am I so desperate to communicate with my mom that I'm going crazy? My husband is the one who first who listened to the recording from today and  picked up the voice. We both agree it sounds like my mom, only it's more of a whisper. It validated he hears my mom's voice, too, so that makes me feel better.  What do y'all think? Is it just my desperation to communicate with my mom or could it be real? 

Conundrum

Conundrum

 

My Mother's Death - Trying to Cope

My mom passed away last week from heart failure, September 26th. I was fortunate enough to be by her side when she took her last breath and was able to tell her I love her. She made the decision the day before to remove support because the medication  was only prolonging her suffering; she was not going to recover.  I love my mom dearly and she's was my best friend. Please keep in mind as you read the rest of this that I forgave my mom a long time ago for my abusive childhood and she apologized profusely for what she did and that she didn't protect me from the sexual abuse of my uncle. My mom did have faults, as we all do, but she was human and didn't do some things "right" when my grandmother, her mother, passed away when I was 12.  My mom kept all jewelry from my grandmother. I never thought it was right but when I would ask why my aunt (her sister) didn't have any of my grandmother's jewelry she would get an attitude with me and avoid my question. Once she said my aunt would just sell it all. I remember my aunt asking about the jewelry but my mom lied to her and said she didn't have it. It had always bothered me because I knew my mom simply wanted to keep it all. About 15 years ago my mom gave me quite a few pieces, the rings my grandmother wore often, including her wedding set. Every time I would open that section of my jewelry box I would think "I shouldn't have this, Aunt L should have it!"  I didn't want to cause my aunt any more pain because we just lost my mom a little more than a week ago but it was bothering me so much. I called my aunt and as gently as I could I told her that I had some of my grandma's jewelry; my mom lied to her. My amazingly loving aunt told me she already knew my mom lied but didn't know that I had it now. I took photos of everything I thought belonged to my grandmother and sent them to my aunt; all but two were my grandmother's. If my mom was correct, which I always had my doubts, my aunt would have said everything was my grandmother's and sold it. My aunt was completely honest with me and is thankful I am giving it to her, as it should have been years ago. I could tell by her voice she was crying when I said I wanted to bring it to her. (Not sad tears but thankful / emotional tears because she never thought she had a chance of seeing the jewelry again.) I feel terrible because I know this is NOT what my mom wanted but my aunt is just as much my grandmother's daughter as my mom is. Am I wrong for doing this because I know my mom didn't want her to have it (because my mom wanted to keep all of my grandmother's jewelry) or am I making things right that was done wrong so long ago?  I spoke with my counselor about it before I called my aunt and she told me if it was something I felt so strongly about then that's what I needed to do.  I feel so torn.   

Conundrum

Conundrum

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