Love Life by Ed Wheat - Duggars Fave Author - A Book Review

[CynicMom]

I decided to review this book because the author, Ed Wheat, was recommended by the Duggars during Josh and Anna's wedding and this was available at my local library. Hopefully reading this will give insight into the Duggars and fundie-mentality generally.

 

First of all I’m intrigued by the title. Love life for every married couple? This must mean the advice given herein works for couples of all religions, ethnicities, and cultures. The subtitle “How to fall in love, stay in love, rekindle your love†is also intriguing because I had no idea I had this control over my emotions. To test this theory I will attempt after reading this book to make myself fall in love with Neil Patrick Harris (right now it’s just a hetero-crush). My headship doesn’t mind. I hope this book distinguishes between crushes and love. Here goes!

 

 

Introduction

His practice is based in Springdale, Arkansas so there’s the Duggar connection right off the bat. He says he didn’t start out a Christian but converted later in life. He gives a litany of complaints he hears often about marriages most of which boil down to “I don’t love my spouse. I never did. I don’t believe in divorce. Help!†At least he recognizes Christian can have marital troubles.

 

Now for the interesting bits. He says that it is possible to have a thrilling love relationship “more wonderful than any romance secular literature… if you will develop it in God’s way†(emphasis his). Assuming he’s talking about the Conservative Christian perception of God’s Way here this implies that conservative Christian marriages are happier than secular marriages or marriages of other religions. You would think this would be reflected in a lower divorce rate for these spouses…. Oh wait. (A 1999 Barna group study found Christians are more likely to divorce than non-Christians Barna Research Group, 1999-DEC-21, they repeated this study in 2004 with born-again Christians – same result)

 

The next interesting bit talks about how he personally tested these principles when he had a two-year period of marital stress when he converted to Christianity and his wife and three daughters were unresponsive to the gospel and to him. He calls it a “heartbreaking experience of prolonged rejectionâ€. He read the bible and decided to love his wife like Christ loves him even through her “quiet, courteous rejection [was] hard to handleâ€. Eventually he started enjoying it. Then his wife started to respond with love “just as God had planned and promisedâ€. However, the “real beginning of our own love affair†didn’t begin until she “trusted the Lord Jesus Christ as her personal Saviorâ€. Now everything is awesome. There’s a paragraph about how awesome it is.

 

This last bit is problematic on a couple of levels. Although he puts more flowery language around it than I have reprinted here it appears that their “rejection†wasn’t so much of him as it was of the new religion he was espousing. Implied here is that it’s impossible to love someone of a different faith than you. He also seems to be using the word love as a verb as opposed to the generally accepted meaning. He does something that’s hard to handle and then starts enjoying it? I willingly clean up after my children but that doesn’t mean mopping floors is enjoyable. I hope he unpacks this statement a bit and talks about how you can learn to enjoy things you don’t like.

 

That’s it for now, I’ll post reviews of the chapters in further posts (several of the chapters are very snarkworthy).

[CynicMom]

Chapter 1

People think that a love affair is something that happens between two people who aren’t married but this isn’t true! You can totally have a passionate love affair! Yes you! After a lot of talk about God he gives us this: “It is God’s will in every marriage that the couple love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.†He adds “It is possible for any Christian couple to develop this love relationship in their marriage because it is in harmony with God’s express will.†He adds that the Bible is “eternally true and totally dependableâ€. “God’s principles do not changeâ€. What if we think this stuff doesn’t apply to us? It totally does! He specifically says so! These principles WILL work at ANY stage in a relationship “no matter how bad your marital situation seems to beâ€. It will work even “without any cooperation from your partner†provided “they are properly and consistently appliedâ€.

He then does what a lot of self-help books do and gives an example of someone he helped. However after describing her problem at length and the advice he gave her he doesn’t follow up at all. We have no way of knowing if his advice worked or how things are with her now. I guess this is because, based on the ideas in the previous paragraph, if the ideas didn’t work it’s her fault for not applying them enough or being Christian enough. My assumption here is that the advice didn't work or it would be stated in the book.

So there you have it. No reason to divorce even in the case of abuse. Society hasn’t changed at all since the Bible was written. Any failure of this advice is YOUR fault, not his. There’s really not much to add. This chapter only works if you have no critical thinking skills whatsoever.

[xDreamerx]

It also seems to be saying, "Conform your wife slowly to your will and to Christianity and you will have the perfect marriage."

It will work even “without any cooperation from your partner†provided “they are properly and consistently appliedâ€. Sounds like reinforcement on a dog.

[MamaJunebug]

First: CynicMom, thank you for taking this for the team. *shudder* I can't imagine wading through it.

Second: He writes, “It is God’s will in every marriage that the couple love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction that continues to grow throughout their lifetime together.â€

What verses of Scripture does he quote to prove this? I'm thinking of Jacob marrying Leah because it was part of a deal, for years really lusting after Rebekah ... of all the arranged marriages of believers, Old and New testaments ... I'm not coming up with any story, much less commandment, that says, "You will love your spouse with absorbing emotional attraction." Not even close.

Weirdo.

[CynicMom]

What verses of Scripture does he quote to prove this?

He does not quote any scripture this chapter, although in the next chapter he states that everything can be found in the first three chapters of Genesis because "these chapters formed the foundation for everything else in the Bible". This is a bit odd since my understand is that Job was written first. But maybe he didn't know this, writing this book in 1980.

[xDreamerx]

I thought Exodus was the oldest book in the Bible...

[uber frau]

Chapter 1

These principles WILL work at ANY stage in a relationship “no matter how bad your marital situation seems to beâ€. It will work even “without any cooperation from your partner†provided “they are properly and consistently appliedâ€.

.

Are fundies really so dumb that they swallow these one size fits all no-one principles? Yeah, life can be scary and sometimes it would be nice to have the answers spoonfed, but, really?

And he's based everything on Genesis 1-3 because he believes that God literally created the institution of marriage in Eden. It doesn't matter that it wasn't written down until later. It happened first, so it's the foundation.

Does this guy really think that the majority of marriages throughout history were fundy style love matches (after appropriate vetting by the couples headships, of course)? Even if he's in denial about the rest of history, I'm struggling to think of a marriage in the bible that would match his description of what marriage should be. They're all arranged (even Adam and Eve-they weren't exactly given a choice to marry anyone else now, were they), unhappy (David and Michal, Jacob and Leah, Hosea and whatever-her-name-was), unsubmissive (Ruth and Boaz), or making the best of a decidedly iffy start (David and Bathsheba anyone).

[CynicMom]

Chapter 2

This chapter is quite disjointed and is all about how you can solve any problem provided you have the right premise. The right premises are the first three books in the Bible because “these chapters formed the foundation for everything else in the Bibleâ€. He urges us to figure out what false ideas society has given us about marriage so that we can reject them.

He then gives a long anecdote about a Christian wife whose husband was cheating on her, and other Christians urged her to divorce! Can you believe it?!

Next is a review of the first three books of the Bible as it pertains to marriage counseling. It’s looooong and boring. Highlights are:

• His pointing out that “the creation of two kinds of people – men and women – was not a dark conspiracy to thwart the ambitions of the women’s liberation movementâ€. HILARIOUS!
  
  Marriage was created to prevent loneliness and bring happiness. He cites Genesis 2:23 in favor of the happiness bit, which is odd because that verse has nothing to do with happiness. It’s also odd because only recently has the institution of marriage been supposed to be about happiness at all. My guess is he’s making the Presentism logical fallacy (fallacy because in this case we know it to be false).
  
  The assertion that in order to begin a marriage you have to leave all other relationships. All ties must be “broken, changed, or left behind†so that no relationships should come between husband and wife. (Even your relationship with God? He doesn’t address it.) This means that if your spouse wants you to drop your friends you have to do it. You do still have to honor your parents but this just means you’re responsible for caring for them in their old age. He is not specific about any other possible meanings of the word honor. (FUCK THIS BIT)
  
  Marriage means oneness, which includes intimate physical union without shame. Sounds great! Then he adds “The homosexual ‘marriage’ being promoted in some quarters today is a pathetic, squalid distortion of the Creator’s plan for holy union between one man and one womanâ€. This appears to be the only mention of homosexuality in the book. (Don’t hold back dude, tell us how you really feel.)
  
  Sexism?? He seems to go back and forth. In the beginning of the chapter he notes that while Eve is called Adam’s helper this doesn’t mean subordinate because the same word helper is also used to describe God. Then in the later part of the chapter he says that God “has a dynamic course of action laid out for the husband in particular. The husband is primarily responsible to do everything possible and to be all he should be in order to form ties with his wife that will make them inseparable.†My guess is that this subtler form of sexism is designed to slip underneath our radar by seeming kind and gentle.

Edited to clarify that the husband cheated on the wife in the above scenario.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

Marriage was created to prevent loneliness and bring happiness. He cites Genesis 2:23 in favor of the happiness bit, which is odd because that verse has nothing to do with happiness. It’s also odd because only recently has the institution of marriage been supposed to be about marriage at all. My guess is he’s making the Presentism logical fallacy (fallacy because in this case we know it to be false).

Other relationships provide happiness and companionship, besides sex, what specifically does marriage alone provide?

The assertion that in order to begin a marriage you have to leave all other relationships. All ties must be “broken, changed, or left behind†so that no relationships should come between husband and wife. (Even your relationship with God? He doesn’t address it.) This means that if your spouse wants you to drop your friends you have to do it. You do still have to honor your parents but this just means you’re responsible for caring for them in their old age. He is not specific about any

possible meanings of the word honor. (FUCK THIS BIT)

I'll fuck it too. One of the first things an abusive partner does is cut the victim off from family and friends.

[Visionoyahweh]

The assertion that in order to begin a marriage you have to leave all other relationships. All ties must be “broken, changed, or left behind†so that no relationships should come between husband and wife. (Even your relationship with God? He doesn’t address it.) This means that if your spouse wants you to drop your friends you have to do it. You do still have to honor your parents but this just means you’re responsible for caring for them in their old age. He is not specific about any other possible meanings of the word honor. (FUCK THIS BIT)

Holy Shit, that's like the biggest red flag for DV, emotional abuse, etc. Even if it doesn't come to that, "Cut off all support and make it virtually impossible to leave your spouse" will generate SO MUCH misery for a lot of couples.

Wheat is the MD who told Michelle the BC pill aborted her baby. Look how well his wise council worked out there. :clap:

[Handmaiden of Dog]

I was watching a BBC documentary last night (Harlots, Housewives, & Heroines) about the role of women in the Restoration era-- which is seen as the end of the Medieval Age and the beginning of the Modern Age, around 1660. It was a huge turning point for women because up until then women were chattel with no rights. Marriages were about money (how much dowry does she bring?) and producing children-- children which belonged to the man and not the woman. Much of the advice given to wives was so similar to the advice given to Quiverful wives it is uncanny: be subservient, obey in all things, never question your husband, never speak out against him, etc. Divorce was not at all possible for women and they could be dreadfully abused.

During the Restoration, however, prominent women were beginning to write books and plays that showed women could be more; they could be equals. Marriage could be about love and companionship and not just about money and babies. It was a revolutionary idea and it was ALMOST 400 YEARS AGO. FUCK.

It's no wonder that so many fundies are stuck on the King James Bible-- they are stuck in that pre-Restoration era when it comes to the rights of women.

[CynicMom]

Chapter 3 – How to be an asshole to wives

Chapter 3 continues the tradition of sucking by giving us various strawman arguments in favor of divorce that the author shoots down using scripture. The arguments include:

• 
  -Genesis was written about a world of primeval perfection. Can it really apply today? (Yes, see Mark 10:2-12 and Matthew 19:3-12)
  
  -A woman says “After all, God gave me a brain. … Divorce may well be the answerâ€. (He doesn’t actually address this, perhaps because a woman says it.)
  
  -What about biblical divorce as stated in Deuteronomy 24? (Moses totes didn’t mean adultery. He meant uncleanness which can only mean “incest, harlotry, or habitual sexual promiscuityâ€. How do we know he meant this? Because if he meant something else then people could get biblical divorces left and right! Duh! Also Jesus overrides Moses in Mathew 19:8.)
  
  -A wife screams at her husband when he informs her they are moving to Puerto Rico for a few months. (See the paragraph below on separateness)

Now comes the good stuff: SATAN! Retaining the very idea of divorce lets SATAN into your life. SATAN makes “unceasing attempts to undermine the home, the most valuable institution on earthâ€. The world is a system under SATAN’s influence (yes he really does say that). The other major cause of marital disharmony? Separateness. “We all have a tendency to withdraw from each other [and] to live for ourselvesâ€. This is sin encouraged by SATAN.

Best Part

Remember the woman whose husband had an affair in the last chapter? Now he picks apart the thirteen things everyone did wrong. They include:

-the failure of both of them to love each other enough. This created an emotional vacuum that made the affair possible (way to blame the wife for the husband’s affair!)

-The wife mistakenly opened up her marriage to outside discussion with a friend (wife blaming! – also, wtf?)

-The wife withdrew from her husband when he confessed the affair (wife blame #3)

-The wife failed to forgive (wife blame #4)

In total out of thirteen reasons we have 4 faulty actions taken by the wife, 1 by the other woman, 1 by a friend that urged divorce, 2 by the church leaders, 4 faulty actions taken by the husband, and 1 by SATAN. Of the four actions that fault the husband, three include major weasel words. The husband “as a result [of actions by the church leaders] became entrapped by guilt feelingsâ€. He “understandably felt conspicuous and uncomfortable†and “all of these factors, with the emotional pain and confusion involved, prompted [him] to …. put physical distance between him and his wife.†The items that blame the wife have no weasel words and use straightforward language.

Favorite quotes: “For any individual to try to separate what God Himself has joined together is an act of arrogant defiance against the express will of God.â€

“Guilt feelings after confession of sin and repentance have a satanic origin and are designed to hinder our spiritual growthâ€. (Emphasis in original)

[Jezebel Duggar]

CynicMom, thanks for this post. After you're done, we should all be able to have the same sort of wonderful, loving marriage that Smuggar and Anna do! I know that's my dream. :roll:

So far I've learned that I must conform to my hubby's will, anything he does wrong is somehow my fault, I can't discuss it with any of my friends (if he lets me have any), and I shouldn't withdraw from him if he screws other bitches. Ok, got it! Ready for the next lesson.

When JimBoob gave Smuggar this book, he also gave him a recording by Ed Wheat called "Before the Wedding Night". It seemed to be instructions for having sex. Does your local library have that too? Then maybe we can all have sex just like the Smugs. I'm sure it will be the wildest, most fulfilling 40 seconds of my life.

[CanadianHippie]

I'll fuck it too. One of the first things an abusive partner does is cut the victim off from family and friends.

Amen, I will never forget what my mom told me about her aunt and why my grandma was worried when my aunt moved to middle of nowhere Alberta. Turns out my great-aunt's husband moved her to a tiny community and made her cut off all communications with her friends and family so he could beat her in peace and she would have no way to reach out for help. If anyone asked me to start giving up relationships for the sake of the one we had I would be out in no time flat.

Note: My uncle has never asked for my Aunt to cut off anyone in her family, and while they live in a tiny town, she has the freedom to do as she pleases including annual camping trips with her friends and without him. In case you were wondering. Uncle can be a bit of condescending prick at times, and raging conservative, but is a decent human being most of the time.

[marmalade]

I'd forgotten about this gem. A good evening's read during my relatively slow summer. Hope the library has it cuz I'm sure not paying even .99 cents for it on Amazon.

OTOH, this book might put MY "helpmeet" in his place in our strongly matriarchal partnership. It's not his fault he's never painted, spackeled or grouted (my dad was an architect who couldn't even leave the confines of a townhome without the addition of a skylight in an upstairs bathroom. :dance:

18 years (in August) and counting of Ed Wheat's failures here. :doh:

[CynicMom]

Chapter 4 – Why JimBob forcibly kisses Michelle at every opportunity

This chapter opens up with a lengthy and sad anecdote about a young devout Christian couple who married but didn’t love each other. They “respected, even admired, each other as individuals†but they didn’t have the feelings or any of the emotions that go with love.

Then: God is love and SATAN is anti-love. There are three sources of mistaken information about love, jumbled impressions, faulty conclusions based on personal experience, and flawed reasoning due to cultural influences. This goes back to the don’t-trust-what-comes-natural statements from Chapter 1. Love is right now affecting your marriage, shaping your behavior and responses to your mate, and helping determine your future happiness and emotional well-being. What are the four principles of love?

• 1. I can learn what love is from the Word of God. It is rational, not irrational. I can understand love and grow in the understanding of it throughout my lifetime.
  
  2. Love is not easy or simple: it is an art that I must want to learn and pour my life into. I can learn how to love.
  
  3. Love is an active power that I control by my own will. I am not the helpless slave of love. I can choose to love.
  
  4. Love is the power that will produce love as I learn to give it rather than strain to attract it.
  

A couple of points here. He refers to what 13-yr olds have as “infatuations†and puts what 24-yr-olds feel in quotes as “ ‘real love affairs’ “. Implied is that what these people feel is different from real love. He never explains how it is different. The rest of the chapter implies very strongly that what you want is to be infatuated with your spouse. I guess it only counts if you are married?

It seems like the whole book was just laying the foundation for this point: telling us that we can control our feelings by acting like we feel them. If we act like we are infatuated we will become infatuated with our spouse and our spouse will become infatuated with us. I wonder if this applies to other emotions. If I act like farts are hilarious will they eventually become hilarious? Will other people start to agree with me? Basically I need to act like I love Neil Patrick Harris in order to fall in love with him. I must not, however, get a restraining order. How do you love someone who’s not around? I need more details! I need to know specifically how to love someone to produce this magic miracle

In the final section he revisits the loveless couple and thoroughly blames the husband. This would be refreshing but the author puts the blame squarely on the husband’s pre-Christian life. IMO there’s also an element here that the husband needs to take the reins in the relationship. The author concludes “God has a triggering action that will stir up romance in you as you do those things that cause a response of love in her. … If you learn how to love her biblically and do it, in six months the two of you will be deeply in love with each other.â€

I’m thinking this is why JimBob kisses Michelle at every possible opportunity. Once again the author doesn’t follow up with the couple to see if his advice works.

[Jezebel Duggar]

Nothing about giving away pieces of your heart through infatuation? I'm disappointed.

[CanadianHippie]

Nothing about giving away pieces of your heart through infatuation? I'm disappointed.

Silly, once you're married you no long find other people attractive...

[Jezebel Duggar]

Silly, once you're married you no long find other people attractive...

But what if they're defrauding you?

[Visionoyahweh]

3. Love is an active power that I control by my own will. I am not the helpless slave of love. I can choose to love.

"But I can't look at a bare collarbone without going on a molestation spree." or any of the thousand other things they act like men have NO self control over. LOLing at he idea that you can turn your emotions on and off like lightswtich. That's just scary.

[valsa]

It seems like the whole book was just laying the foundation for this point: telling us that we can control our feelings by acting like we feel them.

I'm blanking on the specifics right now but he's actually right, in a way. IIRC, there has been scientific research that shows there's something to the old "fake it 'til you make it" saying (though I think the studies had to do more with combating depression than loving your spouse) However, if a couple is growing apart because "the spark" has gone out of their marriage, I could see how faking it could help (you may not feel very close to your spouse and thus may not want to do things to make them feel special and loved but, if you fake it and do those things anyway, you may grow eventually grow close again)

[Mela99]

This seems really made up... "My wife yelled because I told her we were up and moving to another country for a few months."

Sigh... I just.. can't with this guy.

[CynicMom]

Chapter 5 – The Ambiguity Fallacy in Action

This chapter is going to explain what love is. Good because up till now he’s been switching back and forth between definitions as he finds convenient.

To find out what love is we have to look at the precise language of the Greek New Testament (why the sudden switch from Old Testament?). There are five words used for love and they are defined as follows:

• 
  Epithumia – strong desire
  Eros – not found in the New Testament (he admits this. Does this indicate the Bible may be an incomplete guide?)– romance
  Storge – natural affection and a sense of belonging
  Phileo – cherishing and tender affection that expects a response
  Agape – unselfish love that gives and keeps on giving without expecting anything in return

The most important of these is agape love because agape love is a force of the will and is the way you can save your marriage and restore the love you lost.

Now he talks about Proverbs 5. He characterizes Proverbs as a series of promises: “if you do this in accord with Divine Wisdom, this good thing will happen. But if you do that contrary to the will of God and all reasonable behavior, that unpleasant thing will inevitably occurâ€. Goodie, a magic formula for life! He summarizes Proverbs 5 as a warning for husbands to stay away from an adulteress because she will destroy you sexually, spiritually, and socially. Also it’s an injunction to love your wife. He then states that this applies to wives also because….. it does.

Then he talks about the Song of Solomon (my personal favorite). He acts like he thinks the man and woman are married during the whole book. He concludes that the “love affair commanded by God for every husband and wife [is] an absorbing, thrilling interchange of mind, body, spirit, and emotionsâ€. I missed the bit where Song of Solomon is a proscription. It looks like stone-aged porn to me. Oh well.

The last fun bit is about the importance of being around couples who can “by their own example show… how wonderful it [is] to be in love and in Christ together!†He concludes “As you seed to develop the kind of love-life the Bible describes, remember that it is not only for your pleasure, but it will also become a ministry as you and your partner are sensitive to other couples who need befriending in this mannerâ€. So only hang around other people if they’re Christian or if you’re trying to show them how wonderful it is to be Christian. Love Bombing Guide. This is probably reason number 2 JimBob kisses Michelle all the time and Michelle can’t raise her voice in public. Ever.

[CynicMom]

Chapter 6 – SEX

Finally the juicy stuff. For a book written by a conservative Christian in 1980 this book is shockingly explicit. The first half of this chapter is pretty good. Sex should get better over time and be something to look forward to. It’s amazing, “an experience of tremendous thrill leading to fulfillmentâ€. He pimps his Intended for Pleasure book a great deal.

The three parts of sex are desire, excitement, and orgasm. Fear and hostility are two chief inhibitors of the desire phase. Sexual anxiety impairs excitement. Excessive self-consciousness will short-circuit the orgasm phase.â€

Best quote of the book so far: He saw a couple who was complaining of the wife’s inability to enjoy sex. “It became apparent that the real problem was a seething hostility on the wife’s partâ€. MAYBE THAT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT

To have a positive sexual relationship with your mate you need “(1) correct medical information; (2) a biblical understanding of sex that dispels false fears and inhibitions; (3) the right personal approach to sexual lovemaking in your own marriage.†He seems in favor of comprehensive sex-ed! He goes on about how the Victorians were too inhibited! Referencing 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 he says that BOTH spouses must submit to each other, give authority to each other, and not withhold sex!

He then gives a series of pretty awesome specific advice, much of it directed at husbands:

• 
  1. Don’t have sex without love
  2. Criticism hinders emotional closeness
  3. Spouses should show that they love their spouses in multiple ways other than sex (he lists a bunch)
  4. Everyone should have before-foreplay technique
  5. Husbands are reminded to:
  
  • a. Arouse their wives emotionally as well as physically
    b. Make sex last at least twenty minutes of slow build-up
    c. Not just make a rush to an orgasm
    d. Not to feel like a failure if he can’t make a woman orgasm (she doesn’t always need one and will tell you if this is the case) (he should listen to his wife omg!)
    e. Don’t arouse your wife mechanically
    f. Don’t get hung-up on making your wife achieve orgasm. Instead just want to please her and give her enjoyment (!)
    g. “Provide manual stimulation for his wife to have another orgasm after intercourse†if she desires it (!) (emphasis mine)
    h. Be sensitive to your wife’s preferences (!)
    i. Don’t be too deadly serious

Overall there’s a lot of positive stuff in that list. A woman’s orgasm is treated as equality important as a man’s! Communication is emphasized! This chapter is why hard-core fundies reject this book.

Now for the weird stuff. There’s an awful lot of “women need romance, men need respect†in this chapter. No biblical justification of course. Did you know that “highly orgasmic women had fathers who were not passive toward them … [who] set standards and well-defined rules for their daughters’ protection� And that “you can give her what she may have needed from her father� Did you know that “all the data gathered seems to suggest that orgasmic capacity in woman is often tied to her feeling concerning the dependability of her relationship with her husband�

Finally, what if there are problems? If a wife is indifferent to her husband she should respond positively to his sexual advances anyway. What if a husband is indifferent to his wife’s advances? She “should answer the following: Do you respect your husband’s leadership as a man, as the head of your home, as the father of your children, and as your lover? … Have you misused your sexual relationship in the past? Have you used sex as a tool of manipulation…? Have you been dishonest with him…. [or] battered his sexuality through hostility?†Basically regardless of the problem the wife is enjoined to attend to her husband more. He also recommends “sharing in warm personal Bible study and prayer together†as great pre-foreplay. :roll:

He ends with a long story about how it can damage a man and an entire relationship if the wife almost never (or never) orgasms. He goes on and on about this. If I were reading this as an impressionable teen I would be strongly inclined to start faking it to prevent these horrible problems.

His source for his data is: http://www.amazon.com/Disorders-Sexual- ... 067125362X

[CynicMom]

Chapter 7 – Romance

This chapter is boring after the meaty goodness that is the last chapter. Romance is important. If you don’t have some, you should. What do you need to do if you don’t have any? “Fall in love!†This can be learned.

How can we do this? Be using your imagination and by providing the right emotional climate for your mate. You can’t force your emotions but they will come freely when the conditions are right. Falling in love means to make the choice to surrender to the feeling. It’s different from agape.

Then there’s a randomly sexist interlude about how men may find this harder than women because women make themselves fall in love all the time.

Here’s what you should do. First remove negative emotions like anger and unforgiveness (he promises to expand on this in chapter 14). Then use your imagination to focus on romantically positive things about your partner. Remember how it was when you first fell in love. Look at your partner through someone else’s eyes. He goes on and on about this for several pages of flowery language.

Then create romantic situations. Take short trips with just the two of you; make sure no one else is around, etc. I’m thinking this explains all those scenes of the Duggar children looking after each other while JimBob and Michelle walk by themselves holding hands. Do lots of physical touching and eye contact. Both husband and wife should be as attractive and well-groomed as possible. “You can’t demand that someone else fall in love you… but you can set up the conditions where your partner will find it easy to love you.â€

And for the love of God, don’t nag, wives! “Nagging is basically a woman’s weapon used against the man in her marriage.†“Nagging basically is an expression of a selfish independence.†The husband might nag too “in some marriages where the wife dominatesâ€. So: it’s normative when the husband dominates so completely that wives resort to petulant child-like behavior as their only recourse. Got it!

Also did you know that romantic love exists in other societies too? It’s true! Some people think romantic love isn’t as important because it’s selfish in that it expects a response. Not true! Look at how the Song of Solomon is devoted to the topic of romantic love in marriage! (Really? Really?? Cause it seems all about lust… but what do I know I’m a woman.)