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kpmom

Teri M. and her bad attitude

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kpmom

The is from this month's Mom's Corner. Teri is talking about how unproductive feeling sorry for one's self is;

 

"Let me give you a personal example of this. I have lived with chronic back pain for many years. One day last week, I had my normal back pain plus a new pain that caused me to hurt every time I took a deep breath. I knew this new pain was temporary and would be gone in a day or two, but it still hurt right then. In addition, I had a sort of allergic reaction in my mouth that was causing the roof of my mouth to burn, ache, and itch. That morning a family member shared with me something I had said to them that they felt had an attitude behind it."

 

What do you suppose Teri said, and to whom? What are the odds it wasn't Steve?

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emmyfair

So she's not supposed to be human and have needs - she's supposed to be a robot. Steve-o would have been happier married to a blow up doll, I think...

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OnceModestTwiceShy

There's no way it's not Steve, unless the grown-up sons are also allowed to "admonish" her.

And seriously? I've been dealing with chronic pain and depression for some time now, and if my partner said something to me about my attitude while I'm having a bad spell, I wouldn't even be angry so much as baffled as to how he could have so little compassion. What a douche Steve is. Can we start a similar campaign to "Doug Phillips is a tool?" I'll start. Steve Maxwell is a douche.

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MamaJunebug

(Could've sworn I responded to this!)

So what is the upshot?

Does Teri flagellate herself for having become impatient in the midst of pains?

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Arete

She probably spent some extra personal time with the Lord praying away her unworthy thoughts/action while in pain. Might have asked to be cleansed with hyssop.

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0 kids n not countin
Were any of those very big problems? No! However, added together that day, they presented a spiritual battle. Rather than fight the spiritual battle with my thoughts of self-pity, I decided to cry. Here is the outcome of my good cry.

Red, puffy eyes

A terrible headache

A runny nose even after I stopped crying

A perpetuation of my self-pity

A bleak countenance

A concern in the family manifested by them asking me if I was okay

An insecurity in one family member indicated by her thinking she was the cause of my crying

A sadness that pervaded our home that evening.

As I evaluated that period of crying, I couldn't figure out one positive benefit that had come from it. All the outcomes were negative. At the moment I chose to cry, I also had the opportunity to choose what I have been encouraging us to do in these articles. Had I done those things, God's grace would have given me the strength to accept the pain and discouragement and move on with my day.

Remember our key verse from the first article: "This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would" (Galatians 5:16-17).

We walk in the Spirit by seeking the Lord's strength in prayer (2 Corinthians 12:9). We do it by taking those negative thoughts captive and bringing them into the obedience of the Lord (2 Corinthians 10:5). I could have had a grateful heart thinking about others who have so much more pain than I do (1 Thessalonians 5:18), and then prayed for them rather than feeling sorry for myself. Had I begun to put into my mind the verses that I have memorized, gotten out my notebook of special Bible verses, or opened my Bible to read it, the self-pity would have been neutralized by God's abundant grace. Even getting up and getting busy would most likely have set me walking in the Spirit rather than fulfilling the lust of my selfish flesh.

By the next morning, I had repented of my negative, self-focused thoughts, asked my family's forgiveness for how they were affected, and moved on with the Lord Jesus for a new day. I encourage you when you fail to do the same. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Remember that His mercies are new every morning. "It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness" (Lamentations 3:22-23).

I want to encourage you to deal with your negative feelings rather than succumbing to them or believing yourself to be a victim of them. Not only will you benefit from this change but those around you will benefit as well. My prayer for my life and for yours is that we would continually walk in the fruit of the Spirit: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law" (Galatians 5:22-23).

Teri Maxwell

WTF??? You aren't allowed to cry, your family isn't allowed to show "concern" for you?? It's a "sin" that you have chronic back pain and feel pain and suffer in the first place? Some seriously screwed up thinking if you ask me.

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Justme

She doesn't have to live with chronic back pain. There are medical doctors who can help.

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ladypuglover
She doesn't have to live with chronic back pain. There are medical doctors who can help.

But then how can she be a martyr?

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skankbiscuit

This woman needs help, both in the mental and physical health areas.

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Creaky Mom

What a shame. This thinking is so. screwed. up. No wonder she looks miserable all the time.

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marmalade

I'd tell my husband to fuck off, I'm having a Diet Coke.

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lilwriter85
What a shame. This thinking is so. screwed. up. No wonder she looks miserable all the time.

This. I feel bad for Teri at times.

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Cassia

These are the same two people who agreed not to think about their son (Nathan) getting married or else it might make them feel some sort of emotion for once in their sorry, sorry lives: "Steve and I had agreed not to "think" until Saturday night after the wedding. We knew if we "thought" we would be likely to cry even though our hearts were filled with joy. We ended up being too tired to "think" even on Saturday night. However, we did discover that it is best not to be left alone or one does cry."

-www.titus2.com/wedding/index.html

So no tears of joy and no tears of sorrow. I guess the only appropriate thing to do when you feel something is to talk to Jesus about it?

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Arete

So let me see if I understand this correctly. If you cry because you are in pain (or sad, depressed, just plain messed up), you need to whip yourself extra hard afterward because your family showed concern and even worse you messed up your countenance. To not whip yourself would imply that the flesh won and you thought THAT.WAS.AWESOME! These fucking people............

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twin2
An insecurity in one family member indicated by her thinking she was the cause of my crying

So Mom is crying and the immediate thought of one of one of the Maxwell children is "I did something to make Mom cry". What has Steve done to his kids. He is a jackass. I wonder if he told the pre-reversal kids they were the reason for her postpartum depression?

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Maude

This woman needs medical attention, both mentally and physically, and a hug. Steve is clearly God for this family because Jesus' example was not one void of emotion - he wept in the Garden of Gethsemane, and cried out on the cross.

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Creaky Mom

Teri's countenance is already ruined by this unnecessary, sad, sad, life she is forced to live.

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emmyfair

Free Teri Maxwell!!

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Arete
Free Teri Maxwell!!

I wouldn't waste the time. Terri was a grown woman when she got into this sick lifestyle. She had a fairly decent education, came from a family that still seems to love her, and still decided to let Steve take God's place. What they have both done to their children makes me so angry I could chew nails and spit screws.

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takers401
Were any of those very big problems? No! However, added together that day, they presented a spiritual battle. Rather than fight the spiritual battle with my thoughts of self-pity, I decided to cry. Here is the outcome of my good cry.

Red, puffy eyes

A terrible headache

A runny nose even after I stopped crying

A perpetuation of my self-pity

A bleak countenance

A concern in the family manifested by them asking me if I was okay

An insecurity in one family member indicated by her thinking she was the cause of my crying

A sadness that pervaded our home that evening.

So which daughter do you think pointed out Terri's "attitude"?

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gardenvarietycitizen

I currently have back pain myself. I am dearly hoping that medicine can do something about it (or more specifically that my supposedly good insurance plan will let the medicine people do what they'd like to do about it, eventually, perhaps, maybe). Meanwhile I've rehabbed with therapy to the point I'm functional (more or less) but dammit, it HURTS. Good days and bad days, but when it hurts, it hurts, and I'm not above saying so, quite possibly with swears.

I have no idea what Teri's issue is but if it's anything like me, there's always a worry that a "bad day" means it might get worse (or there will be more bad days, now), and wonder if you've done something to hurt yourself, or if you're not doing the right thing... sometimes that's worse than actual pain, just plain uncertainty, and it's worth griping about. There's no sense losing yourself in wallowing, but personally I find getting mad and trying to find the humor in it all helps. That and drugs, or if it's not to that point (thank goodness lately it isn't) a beer.

But back to Teri - if she's not feeling well, and she worries her kids will think her crying is due to them, my recommendation to her would be to TELL them in advance, "hey, you know what? My back hurts like crazy today, and I'm in a bad mood, and so it's not you, but I might just be bitchy today. Try to make me laugh." But I suppose if you always feel guilty to cry, then a "good cry" really wouldn't help her? Reading I can agree with, though I'm usually going for escapist fiction rather than the Bible. Thinking of people who have it worse off - yeah, I do think of that, and it can put things in perspective, but it doesn't mean that I can't still complain about my own pain too. I'm happy I can walk around, but I'm still going to say "dammit, my back hurts."

I agree with everyone else that the creepy part seems to be a denial of any emotion or expressing of it. I wonder where the depression plays in - if you've been living worrying about taking it out on others or upsetting them all the time, that probably doesn't help, although I suspect that the kids seeing her worry about that doesn't help them either, it's a bad cycle.

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gardenvarietycitizen
So which daughter do you think pointed out Terri's "attitude"?

Quite possibly the one who has been relied on during depressive episodes and had that strange "parenting your parent" thing going on. If you've lived with a depressed person, you know how it can be. Feeling responsible for your parent's mood and wondering always "what did I do?" or feeling like you need to fix it or your can't be happy yourself because the mood in the house is like a blanket.

I'm suspecting possibly Sarah, but have no way of knowing. But she's the oldest daughter, and there was that whole episode about breakfast in bed years ago.

Though of course it could just be someone actually did something that could be perceived as "wrong" (dropped a dish, was cross with a sibling, whatever it is) right before the crying started and just more "legitimately" wondered if that was cause. Dunno.

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Petronella7

It also doesn't help that Teri, and Steve, and the 6 kids still at home, all live in one another's pockets 24/7. Nobody goes out to school and nobody goes out to a job. There is no privacy. Imagine having 7 people in your face all day long taking note of everything you do, doing everything from cooking to chores to shopping communally and not being allowed to change your routine, or lie down to rest if you're not feeling well or just having a bad day.

I doubt that the daughters are permitted to tell Teri she has an "attitude" (whatever the f*** that even means, I hate being told that because all it means is that the person is annoyed by you and they should just say specifically what you are doing that is bothering them). But it is very possible that the adult sons, with Steve's approval, can and do "chastise" the female family members for their attitudes, countenances, or whatever faults they find (again, magnified due to the cabin fever effect they are all living under).

(edited to fix number of kids in the house, holy shit, I guess I didn't want to believe that there are 8 adults stuck in there together).

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Rosie

She would benefit from a good stiff drink.

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Guest Anonymous
She would benefit from a good stiff drink.

Even though I think Pepsi is an abomination, I would fix her a rum and Pepsi myself. And an extra one to pour over Steve's head.

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