"Healthy" Fear of Parents

[Koala]

We should count one day and see how many posts Lori has done on the following topics:

Spanking

Pain

Discipline

Her latest post is on a "healthy fear of parents". Funny, I don't think there's anything healthy about your children fearing you.

http://lorialexander.blogspot.com/2012/06/healthy-fear-of-parents.html#idc-container

Highlights:

When teenagers who don't do drugs are asked why they don't, the most common answer should be, "My parents would kill me." This is a healthy fear. A fear that pushes one to do right instead of do wrong.

Does she really think that the fear of their parents killing them is what keeps kids off drugs? Really? Fear should not be the motivator for doing "right instead of wrong". If it is, what happens when the parents aren't there or the kids don't think they'll find out?

My children definitely feared us growing up

.

That is probably the most truthful thing Lori has posted lately. I have absolutely no doubt that her children feared her. See her posts on the topics listed above. They feared her for good reason.

I don't like that woman.

[CanadianHippie]

Children should feel safe and protected with their parents, not afraid.

[The Archivist]

The topic list sounds like a BDSM blog, not parenting.

[Kitty]

I'm not far out of the teenage years myself, and I can confidently say that most teens don't actually fear their parents. Seriously, they're not really afraid of pissing their parents off, but disappointing them. Teens who have negligent parents wouldn't care, teens with abusive parents would fear anger. Teens with good relationships with their parents just don't want to disappoint them. Lori has no idea how teenagers or younger children think, because she's an abusive bitch who thinks she's hot shit and knows everything.

Kids don't need to fear their parents, they do need to respect them but that's completely different from fear.

Does she really think that the fear of their parents killing them is what keeps kids off drugs? Really? Fear should not be the motivator for doing "right instead of wrong". If it is, what happens when the parents aren't there or the kids don't think they'll find out?

All I have is anecdotes, but what happens is that the kids will of course do it anyway, possibly with disastrous consequences.

[holierthanyou]

The topic list sounds like a BDSM blog, not parenting.

This.

[ElphabaGalinda]

No fear of parents are healthy. And no kind of decent parents should want their children to fear them or be proud of it if they do.

[ilovetchotchkes]

O_O

I feared my father growing up. He was um, borderline abusive.

I refuse REFUSE to raise my son that way. I dont' want him to fear me. I want him to respect me as I respect him as another human, but fear and respect are NOT the same thing and I think a LOT of these fundies get it mixed up.

If you respect your parents, you won't do things to hurt them because you respect their feelings and them as people. Stuff like, taking the car without asking- that could cause your mom or dad to fear for your safety because they don't know where you are....

[Witsec7]

I really don't believe that there is such thing as a 'healthy' fear of ones parents. If a child fears their parents, their protectors, the nurturers that they are 100% dependent on there is something very off in the relationship.

[emmiedahl]

I really don't believe that there is such thing as a 'healthy' fear of ones parents. If a child fears their parents, their protectors, the nurturers that they are 100% dependent on there is something very off in the relationship.

This.

My children have made some mistakes, not huge ones thank the Heavens. But they know their mom is on their side and ready to help them through anything. I am Team Kid. They don't lie to me and I don't have everyone snickering into their sleeves while I go on about their wedding night. Yeah, I am talking about YOU, Lori.

[SomewhatFundy]

My parents were cops, cops who believed wholeheartedly in spanking.

Was I afraid they would throw me in jail for pulling stupid stunts? Absolutely. Afraid of them? Nope.

I don't get the "fear" thing myself. I know darn well my kids aren't going to be afraid of me unless I beat them within an inch of their life. So I just don't worry about making them afraid. I have pretty well behaved kids, and I think it's because i've *tried* to teach them empathy rather than fear. That way they try to make decisions that won't hurt or disappoint anyone because they want to, not because they are afraid I will haul them off to the woodshed.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

My parents were cops, cops who believed wholeheartedly in spanking.

Was I afraid they would throw me in jail for pulling stupid stunts? Absolutely. Afraid of them? Nope.

I don't get the "fear" thing myself. I know darn well my kids aren't going to be afraid of me unless I beat them within an inch of their life. So I just don't worry about making them afraid. I have pretty well behaved kids, and I think it's because i've *tried* to teach them empathy rather than fear. That way they try to make decisions that won't hurt or disappoint anyone because they want to, not because they are afraid I will haul them off to the woodshed.

It sure sounds like you were afraid of them, if they outright threatened to throw you in jail, not a "this kind of behavior could lead to legal consequences" talk.

[holothuroidea]

Fear gets the desired results, so apparently fear is good. The logic is sound, I guess, from a fundie perspective. Maybe she doesn't know enough of history, or is not an adept enough critical thinker, to realize the consequences of using fear to manipulate people (especially those people who are vulnerable and dependent on you).

I grew up with a parent who I had absolutely no fear of punishment from. I didn't do drugs. I think it was because I was educated (in public school) about them and I knew it was a stupid thing to do. Does anyone else still have a DARE bumper sticker? :D

[SomewhatFundy]

No, they never threatened to throw me in jail. I apologize for being unclear. It's just that I was well aware in my small town if I did something illegal, they would more than likely be the ones that had to arrest me. There were only four cops, mom and dad were two of them for most of my youth. So that pretty much kept me from any piddly teenage crimes from vandalism, underage drinking etc. The thought of being hauled off to jail by my own parents was pretty mortifying.

[Elle]

I'm not far out of the teenage years myself, and I can confidently say that most teens don't actually fear their parents. Seriously, they're not really afraid of pissing their parents off, but disappointing them. Teens who have negligent parents wouldn't care, teens with abusive parents would fear anger. Teens with good relationships with their parents just don't want to disappoint them.

This exactly. By the time I was a teen, the worst punishment in the world was my parents simply telling me I'd let them down or disappointed them. Saying, "My parents would kill me," isn't literal, but Lori doesn't understand that. Kids can hate consequences, but they shouldn't be afraid. (Contrary to what a lot of you here think, an occasional spanking after a few warnings doesn't make kids afraid of their parents. Spankings often, or without warnings and a chance to straighten up their behavior is different.)

I don't understand why fundies like to rule through fear. Be a good lil' Christian so you don't go to hell. Make your kids fear you or else you're a failure as a parent. Why not preach to do good because it's the right thing and that is what would make Jesus happy? Or to raise their kids to not want to disappoint them because they love their parents and know they're loved?

[CanadianHippie]

Fear gets the desired results, so apparently fear is good. The logic is sound, I guess, from a fundie perspective. Maybe she doesn't know enough of history, or is not an adept enough critical thinker, to realize the consequences of using fear to manipulate people (especially those people who are vulnerable and dependent on you).

I grew up with a parent who I had absolutely no fear of punishment from. I didn't do drugs. I think it was because I was educated (in public school) about them and I knew it was a stupid thing to do. Does anyone else still have a DARE bumper sticker? :D

OT: But most recent studies have show that at best DARE does nothing, at worst DARE increases the likelihood of drug use.

[Witsec7]

I don't get the "fear" thing myself. I know darn well my kids aren't going to be afraid of me unless I beat them within an inch of their life.

Your children can learn to fear you without physical abuse. Get your head out of the sand.

[QAF_Rocks]

I grew up with a parent who I had absolutely no fear of punishment from. I didn't do drugs. I think it was because I was educated (in public school) about them and I knew it was a stupid thing to do. Does anyone else still have a DARE bumper sticker? :D

I do! We may be the few for whom anti-drug education actually worked, LOL. All the statistics say that it doesn't deter kids, so maybe it's a personality thing. I never had any desire to try drugs, and I suspect I would have been the same whether Nancy Reagan had pushed her "Just Say No" campaign at me or not.

I can't recall ever being afraid of either of my parents. Worried about disappointing them, sure, but not afraid of what they would do to me if I misbehaved.

[SomewhatFundy]

"Your children can learn to fear you without physical abuse. Get your head out of the sand."

Erm, I don't recall saying I abuse my kids in any way. I guess I am not stating what I meant well?

[emmiedahl]

I had a mom with a temper who would smack us when she got upset. And a dad who was a nonviolent type and a talker. I remember crying all night because he told me I had disappointed him. His opinion meant so much to me. I was devastated that I disappointed him, long after he forgot about the incident.

You don't have to beat children to make them respect you. Quite the opposite, actually. I was used to having my father be proud of me and adore me. Losing that respect for even a short while was devastating. I respected his opinion and it hurt me that I hurt him. I think my children view me in the same way. I generally adore them, but I let them know when I am hurt or disappointed.

[Witsec7]

"Your children can learn to fear you without physical abuse. Get your head out of the sand."

Erm, I don't recall saying I abuse my kids in any way. I guess I am not stating what I meant well?

Well since I didn't accuse you of it, I'll suggest that you have a reading and comprehension problem Chica.

[SomewhatFundy]

Well since I didn't accuse you of it, I'll suggest that you have a reading and comprehension problem Chica.

I do struggle with reading comprehension. My apologies for taking you out of context, I thought you were getting at something else.

[holothuroidea]

*super snip* (Contrary to what a lot of you here think, an occasional spanking after a few warnings doesn't make kids afraid of their parents. Spankings often, or without warnings and a chance to straighten up their behavior is different.)

Children respond differently to spankings. It's true that some suffer no ill consequences later in their lives from it.

Spanking hurts kids while it happens, and that's enough to stop me from ever doing it. It's generally not good practice hurt people in order to get them to behave the way you want them to.

[Witsec7]

I do struggle with reading comprehension. My apologies for taking you out of context, I thought you were getting at something else.

I'm one of the most direct posters on this forum. I have absolutely no problem about speaking my mind. If you want to infer, state it as such.

[Witsec7]

...

Spanking hurts kids while it happens, and that's enough to stop me from ever doing it. It's generally not good practice hurt people in order to get them to behave the way you want them to.

QFT

[SomewhatFundy]

I'm one of the most direct posters on this forum. I have absolutely no problem about speaking my mind. If you want to infer, state it as such.

I am not inferring anything. I struggle with reading and writing, so I misunderstood you. I thought you were accusing me of abusing my children, then you explained that you were not. Again, I apologize for misunderstanding you.