If I hadn't had children...

[dairyfreelife]

If this woman hadn't had children, she'd be a self-centered, cynical, and full of pride.

homepiecing.blogspot.com/2012/05/if-i-hadnt-had-children.html

[alba]

...I could have spent much of my time doing almost anything I'd wanted.

That would have made me a very self-centered person indeed.

Umm, doing what you want with your life =/= self-centred.

I'm childfree. I do what I want with my life, I'm proud of my accomplishments, and reading shit like this makes me pretty damn cynical about the state of humanity.

[emmiedahl]

At least she is acknowledging that she had children for purely selfish reasons. Most of the fundie moms won't go there.

Maybe she needed children to not be a selfish asshole, but most of us already are not so.

[Wolfie]

I know people with and without children who are very giving, as well as people with and without children who are very selfish.

Without children I can be much more giving than I could be with children, personally. And I'd like kids, it just hasn't happened.

[Kitten]

If I hadn't had children...

...I could have spent much of my time doing almost anything I'd wanted.

That would have made me a very self-centered person indeed.I could have been the volunteer who was always ready and able to pitch in at the last moment, ot the devoted Meals on Wheels delivery person who never missed a day, and had time to sit and talk to the recipients, or the person who wrote the book that changed thousands of lives for the better (why not dream big?)

...I would not have been able to help six beautiful people get their start in life.

That would have been sad for me and for the worldInstead, I could have been the friend/counselor/director/foster parent/hotline responder who helped dozens/hundreds/thousands of people get their start in life/get out of destructive behavior patterns/turn their lives around/learn a trade or profession.

Etc., etc., etc.

If having children is the only path to personal goodness, then we are all doomed.

[LIzzieB]

As a childfree person this really annoys me. :evil: When people have children, it doesn't turn them automatically into saints. Neither do people without children have no idea about being selfless. Having children is such a fundamental change to people's lives that it probably does inspire some fairly big changes of behaviour, but in my experience, people are still the same people afterwards. The warm and generous people become warm and generous parents, the selfish or self-centred remain so.

I have chosen not to have children, however, I am the favourite aunt to five kids, music tutor and mentor to 30 primary school children, as well as serving voluntarily on a number of boards and organisations. Our dear friend in the link above probably only has the time and energy to deal with her own children, and her sphere of influence is limited to her own household. In her post, she is saying that if she hadn't had kids, she would be shallow, a know-it-all, emotionally crippled and unable to respect her husband. Can I suggest that maybe she is all of those things already, and her kids give her an excuse to be self-obsessed and tell the rest of us what to do?

[CrazySister]

What strikes me as interesting is at the bottom of the post she noted they waited to have kids because for 7 years she couldn't decide if she wanted kids or not. It's bizarre to me when I hear women talk about how they never wanted kids and then something switches and they go in the total opposite direction and have a ton and then claim it was the perfect thing or the best thing ever, etc, as though to negate the (awesome) positives that can come with being childfree. In my fundy days I was friends with a SAHM who'd gotten a college degree in something like chemical engineering and claimed how God had changed her heart so much after getting married because initially she wanted her husband to be a SAHDad and she would be the breadwinner. It always seemed so forced, too, when she'd talk about it, as though she didn't truly believe it and didn't really even enjoy being a mom but would much rather work outside the home and have someone else be watching the kids all day.

...hopefully that all made sense; I'm sick and super out of it!

[CrazySister]

Ok, posting again because the whole "I'm better then you because I have kids" mentality just really PISSES ME OFF!! A couple people already brought up really great points about a childfree person being available to do certain things that are simply out of the realm of reality for someone with 5 under 5.

And one more thing. How the hell do you get off telling me (no, the blogger in mention didn't in that post but just to QF/ATI in general) that simply because I have a uterus I need to put it to use?! HOW DARE YOU!! Yes, I realize being sick I'm probably waaaay more sensitive then I'd normally be, but that may be my #1 pet peeve about Duggars/Maxwells/PP/Name your favorite fundy is the expectation that ALL woman without exception are to be baby factories. KISS MY ASS!! :angry-screaming:

...'K, stepping off my soapbox...

[emmyfair]

Etc., etc., etc.

If having children is the only path to personal goodness, then we are all doomed.

A million times over, this. For the record, while I don't regret my three kids, I do very much miss having the time to help others more. As my children get older, I hope this will change.

I really dislike this whole fundie vibe I get, that they think helping one's children is the same as helping a total stranger in need. I know I'm not expressing it well, and all I have is a bad feeling instead of words to explain myself. It seems as if they expect the "reward" of helping a stranger when all they are doing is what every parent would - feed your kids when they are hungry, something to drink when they are thirsty, clean clothes, a safe house, a warm place to sleep. I think it's the pride thing that bothers me - most fundie parents that blog are terrible parents imho, but they think they are so much better than "secular" parents because of what they do and believe. Having thirty seven kids won't make anybody some kind of saint, and I know people who have never had children that I wish with all my heart I could even be a little bit like.

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a ramble, and I really do wish I could express myself more clearly... :oops:

[bananacat]

Children shouldn't exist just for the benefit of their parents. Having kids didn't make this woman less selfish; it's actually the most selfish thing she has done.

[ElphabaGalinda]

It reminds me of the people who say if they didn't believe in God they'd be murderers. She was a selfish asshole before kids and she's still one afterwards. Having children didn't work out as a path to goodness for this woman.

[Wolfie]

the expectation that ALL woman without exception are to be baby factories.

This isn't limited to fundies- I've had nasty comments from cousins because I'm not married/no kids. (the funny thing is that on the other side of the family, only one cousin is married besides my siblings, and none but my siblings have kids.)

[mrs]

Umm, doing what you want with your life =/= self-centred.

I'm childfree. I do what I want with my life, I'm proud of my accomplishments, and reading shit like this makes me pretty damn cynical about the state of humanity.

WOW. I'm about to flip out.

1- if you wanted to have kids then you are by your own words self centered.

2-you shouldn't have kids or continue to do so if you do not want them.

Am I self centered because I want children?! But I don't have any, and I really want to be a mother.

[ilovetchotchkes]

Um having children is like the ultimate act of self centeredness! you're reproducing yourself for fuck's sake!!! (especially in our case, our son is "mini me" of my husband its hysterical. Even if I were the type to have an open relationship, I would NEVER EVER need a paternity test! HA HA !)

True, i have to take care of someone else who has no concept of "FOR FUCKS SAKE MOMMY NEEDS TO PEE IN PRIVATE OR SHE WILL GO INSANE". But.... if you don't want that? and all the craziness that comes with it? I do not blame you one bit.

[fundiefan]

No kids here. Like most, I have my selfish moments. Only, I don't have to feel guilty about it and I don't have to go the opposite and play martyr. I just get up every day and live my life to best of my ability.

If she'd have been selfish without kids, no doubt she's selfish now. Kids don't change that. Same with pride.

Whatever she needs to tell herself to feel special, I guess she may as well have at it.

[desertvixen]

I really dislike this whole fundie vibe I get, that they think helping one's children is the same as helping a total stranger in need. I know I'm not expressing it well, and all I have is a bad feeling instead of words to explain myself. It seems as if they expect the "reward" of helping a stranger when all they are doing is what every parent would - feed your kids when they are hungry, something to drink when they are thirsty, clean clothes, a safe house, a warm place to sleep. I think it's the pride thing that bothers me - most fundie parents that blog are terrible parents imho, but they think they are so much better than "secular" parents because of what they do and believe. Having thirty seven kids won't make anybody some kind of saint, and I know people who have never had children that I wish with all my heart I could even be a little bit like.

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a ramble, and I really do wish I could express myself more clearly...

I get you on this one.

[emmyfair]

I get you on this one.

Thanks! :D

[Minerva]

Ugh. As long as it's not hurting someone else, there is nothing wrong with being selfish. And not having kids or only having a couple kids does not hurt anyone. There are no invisible kid spirits watching me from heaven and crying every time I ovulate and don't conceive because I'm their only hope of being born. So yeah, I'm selfishly childfree. And it's not a bad thing at all.

[holothuroidea]

I personally cannot think of anything more selfish than passively holding your children responsible for your behavior and your worth as a person.

That is an incredible burden for children to bear, and don't think for a second that they don't feel it.

[Childless]

I have a son. And I'm here to tell you that having a child is selfish. I had him because I wanted to be a mom. I WANTED. Now, I do make sacrifices for him, but that simply makes me a parent, not a saint. I'm nowhere near as sefless as someone who has dedicated their life to making the lives of others' better. There are plenty of childfree individuals who are making a huge difference in this world, much bigger than any difference I'm making by being a mother. And they most likely have that opportunity because they have no children to care for. This woman sounds like someone who is not entirely happy with the path she has chosen and is trying to make her life sound bigger and more important than it really is.

[Elle]

This is actually what I miss about not being a mom. I don't have as much time to spend on helping others. I can't drop everything on no notice now. I hope that the good that I do do will set an example for my daughter to do the same, so that at some point, both she and I will be doing for others.

[Patsy]

Children shouldn't exist just for the benefit of their parents. Having kids didn't make this woman less selfish; it's actually the most selfish thing she has done.

This! Because

I personally cannot think of anything more selfish than passively holding your children responsible for your behavior and your worth as a person.

this!

[alba]

WOW. I'm about to flip out.

1- if you wanted to have kids then you are by your own words self centered.

2-you shouldn't have kids or continue to do so if you do not want them.

Am I self centered because I want children?! But I don't have any, and I really want to be a mother.

I never said that having kids was self-centred. I said that doing what you want with your life is *not* self-centred, and that goes both ways. The term "self-centred" implies doing what you want without regard for the repercussions on others, and in that way having kids *can* be self-centred (if you're doing it because you want an accessory that gives you unconditional love), but that doesn't mean that having kids is inherently more self-centred than not having kids.

I don't understand the point of your second point. I don't think people should have kids unless they're sure they want them. That doesn't include you, and I don't see what's bad about this opinion. Having kids is a huge commitment, and it's not something to be entered into lightly.

[browngrl]

The whole idea that (1) you can only be good if: you worship their god in their way (2) you will be a selfish evil person unless you have: children like they do Please. This whole article smacks of vanity and pride - which were some of the deadly sins IIRC.

For some people - having children will bring out their best but for others having children will bring out their worst. If a person wants to have children - then have them but do not go around acting like this makes them any better than someone who does not have children. If a person wants to worship a Christian god then do so but do not go around acting like this makes them any better than anyone else.

[Arielkay]

Stupid question: Is that a picture of a tiny grave at the top of the blog?

I have two girls, and I wouldn't change it. But this woman is stupid if she thinks you must have children to be a worthwhile human being. Sometimes I think having kids has made me feel like less of one - like those sleepless nights when I didn't know what my name was, or who I was for that matter. You can lose yourself in children.