A cautionary Internet tale!!!!

[Beeks]

Read one family's harrowing Internet experience!!!!!! Their poor, poor daughter!!!!

:roll:

aish.com/jw/s/An_Internet_Story.html

[alba]

What's the betting the 'deleted expletive' is 'ass'? It's the only word I can think of that fits there, but I don't consider it an expletive. I'm a foul-mouthed, heathen, though :P

[Kitchen Princess]

That's a sad story, because that one tiny little transgression means the mother will never ever trust any of her kids ever again. No wonder the daughter lied.

[pixydust]

so her daughter learned to lie to her parents, and never tell them what is really going on. How about telling her to invite the boy over for a family dinner or family movie night? That way the parents can meet him and decide if he is a 40 year old pedophile or a nice 13 year old (or however old the girl is) boy. Forcing her to sever all ties, without knowing if he is dangerous, is just setting the girl up to lie and sneak around now and in the future. You don't like a boy? Make him a part of the family! "Bad boy" appeal will die very quickly with the family approval, and most "bad boys" won't want to go on family outings, dinners, etc.....but a troubled kid who is good on the inside will love it , and probably needs it!

[BlackHawk]

I would be horrified, but for different reasons. Not because my daughter was talking to a boy and planning on meeting him, but because she was doing it secretly! I would be horrified that I hadn't taught her better internet security! You never meet someone online while keeping it a secret! There is no reason for that. In my opinion that is the greater danger. I would be horrified that I hadn't shown my daughters that they could trust me and their daddy. I would be horrified that my child felt they had to hide something that could turn out to be awesome (or deadly) from me, no matter what it is.

Sometimes I think people have their priorities in the wrong place.

[samurai_sarah]

That's a sad story, because that one tiny little transgression means the mother will never ever trust any of her kids ever again. No wonder the daughter lied.

ITA. Also, the fact that she was looking through her daughter's messages, made me feel uneasy. She says she trusts her children, but clearly not enough to allow a (presumably) teenager a spot of privacy? I would have felt violated as a teen, if my parents had snooped into my private messages. And, as if they don't actually trust me at all, no matter how often that blogger claims she trusts her kids.

[Maude]

so her daughter learned to lie to her parents, and never tell them what is really going on. How about telling her to invite the boy over for a family dinner or family movie night? That way the parents can meet him and decide if he is a 40 year old pedophile or a nice 13 year old (or however old the girl is) boy. Forcing her to sever all ties, without knowing if he is dangerous, is just setting the girl up to lie and sneak around now and in the future. You don't like a boy? Make him a part of the family! "Bad boy" appeal will die very quickly with the family approval, and most "bad boys" won't want to go on family outings, dinners, etc.....but a troubled kid who is good on the inside will love it , and probably needs it!

QFT. I honestly don't see the big deal here. I've met people from over the internet before. You just bring friends or family (someone, anyone) as a rule of thumb.

[takers401]

QFT. I honestly don't see the big deal here. I've met people from over the internet before. You just bring friends or family (someone, anyone) as a rule of thumb.

I think meeting someone you've met on the internet when you're an adult is very different than a child carrying on a secret communication with intent to meet. That said I do agree that cutting off communication without trying to identify who the individual was only makes them a forbidden fruit. A discussion over appropriate information to give over the internet (name, address, phone number, age, etc) would have served better in the long run.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

How timely, in advance of the big "dangers of the internet" rally at Citi field.

[bananacat]

I'm actually not horrified by this story at all. So she talked to a boy online, so what? Meeting people online is just as legitimate as meeting them in real life. I never understood why people are so afraid of other internet users, more so than the other types of people they encounter every day. It's no different than talking to a boy at a party. And she didn't divulge the details of her "love life" to her parents? I'm shocked, shocked I tell ya! I never told my parents about the boys I talked to in school unless it was "serious" enough to actually date them outside of school. Going from talking online to meeting the boy in real life would have been analogous to talking to a boy in school and then meeting him outside of school, and that's the point where I would have talked to my parents about it.

And this teen girl is probably wiser than we give her credit for. She knows more about this boy than her parents think she does. The internet just seems foreign to older people who aren't used to it, but this girl is probably good at telling who is legit and who isn't. And she probably would have met him in a public place and taken other precautions. Teens know more about this stuff than a lot of older people because it's what they're used to, and they also hear about their friends' experiences and learn from those too.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Given that the article is on aish.com, I suspect at least part of the issue for the parents is that their daughter talks to (or has contact with) boys at all, in any way shape or form. Going to school with boys? Beyond the pale.

[Buzzard]

Parental controls are no substitute for PARENTS! Take this chance to TALK to your kid. Tell her how to handle herself, avoid danger (and that there is danger), identify danger, interact appropriately... taking away the possibility of interaction on teh ebil internetz does not prepare her for the real world!

Why do these people insist on wrapping their kids in a tight little bubble and putting duct tape over the windows so they cant see out?!?

[BelieveinScience]

ITA. Also, the fact that she was looking through her daughter's messages, made me feel uneasy. She says she trusts her children, but clearly not enough to allow a (presumably) teenager a spot of privacy? I would have felt violated as a teen, if my parents had snooped into my private messages. And, as if they don't actually trust me at all, no matter how often that blogger claims she trusts her kids.

I'm so glad my parents were too internet/technology dumb to figure out how to check my email, hack into my accounts, etc....

I can't stop giggling about the "cuss word" and how horrified the mom seemed to be about it. Just because one goes to a private religious school doesn't mean they won't be exposed to cuss words and sex. I learned about sex and cuss words from my private religious school!!!

[Maude]

I think meeting someone you've met on the internet when you're an adult is very different than a child carrying on a secret communication with intent to meet. That said I do agree that cutting off communication without trying to identify who the individual was only makes them a forbidden fruit. A discussion over appropriate information to give over the internet (name, address, phone number, age, etc) would have served better in the long run.

The thing is, if her parents had been more open, I doubt she would have found the need to keep it a secret, and there would have been no issue. I have a teenaged sister who's also met people from over the internet. She knows the rules: Always bring someone with you, and always meet in an open, public space. I understand the apprehension, especially if you haven't talked to the person via webcam, or haven't seen a picture of them (I would peg this as weird and be very cautious, I admit), but when the alternative is lying and sneaking around, it seems like a no-brainer to me. Instead, this poor girl has just been restricted even more. It may protect her from the world, but it won't teach her about it. It won't give her the opportunity to make her own decisions and develop the ability to discern for herself. It's a step backwards, not forward.

ETA: Basically what bananacat said. :D

[polabear]

I think it would depend on the teenager's age. 17? Then we'd talk about internet safety, always meet in public, let someone know where you are going and who you are meeting. Thank her for telling me.

12 years old? Yeah, stuff would get WAY tightened down. Not to punish the daughter - but because there are creepers out there, and they do lie about who they are. And I don't think a 12 year old has the ability to sort out all the working parts and keep herself safe in that situation.

[CanadianHippie]

I would be horrified, but for different reasons. Not because my daughter was talking to a boy and planning on meeting him, but because she was doing it secretly! I would be horrified that I hadn't taught her better internet security! You never meet someone online while keeping it a secret! There is no reason for that. In my opinion that is the greater danger. I would be horrified that I hadn't shown my daughters that they could trust me and their daddy. I would be horrified that my child felt they had to hide something that could turn out to be awesome (or deadly) from me, no matter what it is.

Sometimes I think people have their priorities in the wrong place.

Completely agree. Now I'm not a parent yet, but at this point it seems my mode of "attack" for this sort of thing would be to sit down with my daughter and explain the danger of a secret meeting with someone online and the importance of another person (in her case an adult) who can be there to gauge the situation. You know the "never meet with someone you met online alone because there are creeps out there" rule.

[Elle]

I think meeting someone you've met on the internet when you're an adult is very different than a child carrying on a secret communication with intent to meet. That said I do agree that cutting off communication without trying to identify who the individual was only makes them a forbidden fruit. A discussion over appropriate information to give over the internet (name, address, phone number, age, etc) would have served better in the long run.

If my underage daughter, or son, for that matter, was going to meet someone in person they met online and didn't tell me first, I'd be furious. In our adult world, we know to tell someone where we're going and to watch out for us because a lot of unscrupulous people out there pretend to be who they're not. If my underage daughter was sneaking behind my back, then either I didn't teach her well enough, or she's lying. Completely revoking the internet is overreacting. This is the sort of situation where safety must be stressed, and finding middle-ground for how to give the freedom teens will take anyway with maintaining enough control to keep them safe. Perhaps the middle-ground is she can meet people as long as the meeting is in public and I am nearby enough to keep an eye on her.

[Maggie Mae]

I am so glad my parents still don't understand how the internet works. I had enough trouble as a kid/teen with the inconsistent rules - someone I managed to have a lot of independence (through learning how to be an amazingly convincing liar) while being kept on virtual lock down. I'm almost 30 and I live 3,000 miles away from them and I can't seem to figure out how to tell them I have a boyfriend. For the past 8 months. I put it on facebook and hoped that it would get back to them somehow.

Taking away internet all together in this situation would not be how I would handle it.

[crassy]

Even her friends were opposed to her actions (I am grateful to the Jewish day schools for this slut shaming and public shunning

I made some changes to her story. I like my version better.

[holothuroidea]

This is a lot less about the internet and a lot more about issues of trust and honesty.

I have to say that it seems clear that Mom did NOT learn her lesson.

[OohLaLa]

When I was in high school, about 16 or 17, I had a thing going on with a guy who was a lot older than me. It was harmless though, nothing physical, just a lot of flirting. Well I had written about him as a crush in my diary, which I thought was safe, but my parents read it and flipped. They forbid me from seeing him, actually called him and told him how inappropriate it was and to stay away from me, and cracked down on trying to control me as much as possible. I was hurt and completely humiliated. I forgave them eventually, but never, ever trusted them again. I've never had any real talks about relationships or guys since and had to learn everything the hard way, by myself. And it also had the opposite effect they intended, I didn't stop sneaking around with boys, I actually did it a lot more, I was just smarter about it.

So way to go control freak parents, you can be overbearing all you want, but if your kid has any spirit left, it's not going to protect them.

[lawfulevil]

No kidding.

I learned a lot while escaping from my abusive, controlling parents. If your child wants to have friends, date, go to the movies, whatever.... they're going to do it. You can't stop them. Effectively parenting a teenager relies on the illusion that you're in control, and the frightening truth is that you aren't. Even my parents weren't, and they weren't afraid to slug me in the face. If they decide to drink, do drugs, cut class, have sex, whatever... you can't stop them. What are you going to do?

Every "effective" punishment you can think of will only make the situation worse, once they've made their decision. All relationships involve compromise. You can punish them, and watch it blow up in your face, or you can compromise and help them try to wisely do what they're going to do anyway. That's it, really... and that's the good scenario. The bad one is they obey you and then they're anyone's meat. People used to mindlessly doing as they're told might as well have GOOD VICTIM written on their forehead in neon orange.

This was a really stupid battle to pick, and she's going to live to regret it.

[Trynn]

When my parents got concerned, they shut off my internet until we had a talk on internet safety, then they turned it back on. This one girl and I wanted to meet in real life, and my parents were completely fine with it as long as my dad could go with me. It never actually worked out for this girl and I to meet, but it was not my or her parents' fault. I like the way my parents handled it: they discussed it with me and left me with free reign, and ya know what, it worked.

[geniebelle6901]

What concerns me is how did the daughter know that person she was speaking with a teenage boy and not some pedophile? Even if they exchanged pictures, he could have sent a fake picture. If the mother hadn't found out what was going on, I have a feeling her daughter could have become another statistic!

[holothuroidea]

What concerns me is how did the daughter know that person she was speaking with a teenage boy and not some pedophile? Even if they exchanged pictures, he could have sent a fake picture. If the mother hadn't found out what was going on, I have a feeling her daughter could have become another statistic!

From the way the article was written, it sounds like the mother didn't even give it a proper investigation. I agree that you have to be very careful, but it's also not good to assume that anyone a girl talks to online is a pedophile. He might have been a nice kid from the boy's school, worth a meet with the family if they wanted to be friends IRL. It sounds the like the mother was more angry that she was talking to a male at all, and was completely unconcerned for what is age was.