One-on-one time

[homeschoolmomma1]

We all have heard throughout the years that Michelle and Jim Bob like to spend one on one time with their kids. I have no problem with this besides she has to schedule this etc. One thing that bothered me when watching the Tea with Michelle Duggar was that she said she likes to ask the Duggar child that is with her if they have any secrets that they are keeping from Mommy or if there is something that she needs to pray for them.

 

What ever happened to, "How was your day today?" or other things mom usually talks about. I think it is sad all she wants to know about is what they are keeping from her. IF she had an open relationship with her kids and talked to them more perhaps they would feel comfortable talking and bringing stuff up on their own. I have not had any kids yet in their teens, however I was a teen that when with my mom or dad asked them questions and communicated with them. I don't know Michelle just bugs me on so many levels.

[lilwriter85]

I've always thought that it was stupid, that Michell requires one on one time to be scheduled. She is home with those kids all of the time. She should open to them at any time during the day. Some working moms find ways to make themselves open to their kids at any time.

[MrsYoungie]

If I lived in that family (well, first I would slit my wrists, but anyway) I'd be very suspicious of Mommy dearest asking me if I had any secrets. I would assume that one of my "best friends" i.e. siblings had ratted me out.

This bugs me on so many levels as well. No child has an outside friend to confide in, so they have to confide in a sibling - who probably owes alliegience more to mom than to you. Your best friend should be outside the family or they aren't much use.

Also - if one on one time is so fucking precious, use it for fun possitive things. Last night I just sat on the couch with my 20 year old and we talked and laughed and had a cuddle. No pressure to confide any deep dark secrets, just nice conversation.

[camdendayton]

I agree that her approach to one-on-one time is a little disturbing. It shows a complete lack of boundaries, which I would say is a direct result of Gothard's teaching (meaning if you're the "spiritual head" of your household you can't let your children have a private life.)

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

If I lived in that family (well, first I would slit my wrists, but anyway) I'd be very suspicious of Mommy dearest asking me if I had any secrets. I would assume that one of my "best friends" i.e. siblings had ratted me out.

This bugs me on so many levels as well. No child has an outside friend to confide in, so they have to confide in a sibling - who probably owes alliegience more to mom than to you. Your best friend should be outside the family or they aren't much use.

Also - if one on one time is so fucking precious, use it for fun possitive things. Last night I just sat on the couch with my 20 year old and we talked and laughed and had a cuddle. No pressure to confide any deep dark secrets, just nice conversation.

This is such a good point. No matter how close fundie kids may be with certain siblings, I'm sure that even the J'Slaves probably can't confide everything they are feeling to each other since there is a good chance that the other sibling will eventually be pressured to rat them out, either during "one-on-one time" (which I guess we now know is really "interrogation time" to focus on individual sins or whatever) or through some other "sin-confessing" opportunity, which fundies seem to love.

I don't have any siblings, so I can't speak to sibling friendships, but I don't know what I would do without my two closest girlfriends, both of whom I met and cultivated friendships with not because they were part of the same family or church or "approved" group, but because we shared interests, senses of humor, outlooks, political viewpoints, etc. Making friends as an INDIVIDUAL, based on individual preferences, is just very important, IMHO, for the development of any young adult, because it also helps them to try new things, test their boundaries, and find out how they best interact with people - not to mention how to avoid toxic people. For me, it was a huge step into adulthood to stop being a "pleaser" and cut out or avoid "friends" who were toxic, emotionally abusive, etc.

I guess that last part is a sticking point for fundies too, apart from obvious "threats" posed by friends like exposure to new things and betrayal of family secrets - they don't WANT their kids to learn to be able to recognize manipulation, abuse, etc. because their whole system is built on training children to accept and expect abuse and manipulation from infancy. But that's neither here nor there.

[MrsYoungie]

This is such a good point. No matter how close fundie kids may be with certain siblings, I'm sure that even the J'Slaves probably can't confide everything they are feeling to each other since there is a good chance that the other sibling will eventually be pressured to rat them out, either during "one-on-one time" (which I guess we now know is really "interrogation time" to focus on individual sins or whatever) or through some other "sin-confessing" opportunity, which fundies seem to love.

I don't have any siblings, so I can't speak to sibling friendships, but I don't know what I would do without my two closest girlfriends, both of whom I met and cultivated friendships with not because they were part of the same family or church or "approved" group, but because we shared interests, senses of humor, outlooks, political viewpoints, etc. Making friends as an INDIVIDUAL, based on individual preferences, is just very important, IMHO, for the development of any young adult, because it also helps them to try new things, test their boundaries, and find out how they best interact with people - not to mention how to avoid toxic people. For me, it was a huge step into adulthood to stop being a "pleaser" and cut out or avoid "friends" who were toxic, emotionally abusive, etc.

I guess that last part is a sticking point for fundies too, apart from obvious "threats" posed by friends like exposure to new things and betrayal of family secrets - they don't WANT their kids to learn to be able to recognize manipulation, abuse, etc. because their whole system is built on training children to accept and expect abuse and manipulation from infancy. But that's neither here nor there.

My observation comes from personal experience. My best friend when I was a kid was one of 5 children. She was a Baptist preacher's kid. Her sisters ratted her out all the time! Over the most minor shit! We knew we could trust each other and never ever told her mom/sisters anything. Her mother obviously hated this and broke us up when we got to high school. High school was very lonely as a result. Certainly for me.

[lilwriter85]

A snitch system probably goes on in the Duggar household, I have a feeling Jill is probably one of the snitches.

[geniebelle6901]

Watch out for quite ones....those are the ones to look for as snitches. If they're quite, that means their watching and waiting.

[Sprocket]

We all have heard throughout the years that Michelle and Jim Bob like to spend one on one time with their kids. I have no problem with this besides she has to schedule this etc. One thing that bothered me when watching the Tea with Michelle Duggar was that she said she likes to ask the Duggar child that is with her if they have any secrets that they are keeping from Mommy or if there is something that she needs to pray for them.

What ever happened to, "How was your day today?" or other things mom usually talks about. I think it is sad all she wants to know about is what they are keeping from her. IF she had an open relationship with her kids and talked to them more perhaps they would feel comfortable talking and bringing stuff up on their own. I have not had any kids yet in their teens, however I was a teen that when with my mom or dad asked them questions and communicated with them. I don't know Michelle just bugs me on so many levels.

Yeah, like they're really going to say, "yup. I'm planning on busting out of this joint at midnight on my eighteenth birthday."

[BlackHawk]

I don't think there is anything wrong with scheduling one on one time. We plan to have one or two days a month as a family grows that each child gets independent time with each parent to do whatever they want (go the movies, the park, whatever). That said, if your only one on one time is your scheduled time, that is when something is wrong. There is something to be said when you are around your children daily and yet cannot find time for a quiet hug or talk while everyone else is doing work or something.

[CrazySister]

If I lived in that family (well, first I would slit my wrists, but anyway) I'd be very suspicious of Mommy dearest asking me if I had any secrets. I would assume that one of my "best friends" i.e. siblings had ratted me out.

This bugs me on so many levels as well. No child has an outside friend to confide in, so they have to confide in a sibling - who probably owes alliegience more to mom than to you. Your best friend should be outside the family or they aren't much use.

Also - if one on one time is so fucking precious, use it for fun possitive things. Last night I just sat on the couch with my 20 year old and we talked and laughed and had a cuddle. No pressure to confide any deep dark secrets, just nice conversation.

The bolded is what goes through my mind anytime I've heard J'chelle say this. It's sad but I really wonder how trusting the kids are - of their parents, but especially of each other because of this kind of bullshit that goes on in their microscopic world.

[socalrules]

What kind of secrets can they have to tell Michelle? They are never alone. Not even the adult children can freely surf the internet. We all know no one is talking to a boy/girl on the phone alone. So what could they tell her? Someone only did ten loads of laundry today instead of twelve? Anyone who has doubts about the crazy lifestyle cannot be dumb enough to tell Michelle of Jim Bob when they know they will end up at brainwashing camp. The Duggar Family lifestyle is not one that leads children to have a close, open relationship with their parents. I cannot imagine the fear those kids face everyday of accidently doing something that violates the Gothard agenda and having to own up to it. Hell, admitting to showing too much collarbone could send you to the prayer closet.

I also don't understand Michelle asking the kids if they need her to pray for anything for them. I don't have kids so I can't speak from that experience but I know that my mother has prayed for me everyday of my life regardless of whether I asked her to do so. Even if it is a simple prayer to keep me safe, do well on a test or just general happiness. If there was something major, I wouldn't have to tell her to pray for me because she would already learned about the issue during one of our non-scheduled talks. I think Michelle threw in the prayer issue to once again show how close to God they are, unlike all the rest of us non-Gothard following heathens. She will never grasp the concept that regular people prayer for their children everyday.

[MrsYoungie]

What kind of secrets can they have to tell Michelle? They are never alone. Not even the adult children can freely surf the internet. We all know no one is talking to a boy/girl on the phone alone. So what could they tell her? Someone only did ten loads of laundry today instead of twelve? Anyone who has doubts about the crazy lifestyle cannot be dumb enough to tell Michelle of Jim Bob when they know they will end up at brainwashing camp. The Duggar Family lifestyle is not one that leads children to have a close, open relationship with their parents. I cannot imagine the fear those kids face everyday of accidently doing something that violates the Gothard agenda and having to own up to it. Hell, admitting to showing too much collarbone could send you to the prayer closet.

I also don't understand Michelle asking the kids if they need her to pray for anything for them. I don't have kids so I can't speak from that experience but I know that my mother has prayed for me everyday of my life regardless of whether I asked her to do so. Even if it is a simple prayer to keep me safe, do well on a test or just general happiness. If there was something major, I wouldn't have to tell her to pray for me because she would already learned about the issue during one of our non-scheduled talks. I think Michelle threw in the prayer issue to once again show how close to God they are, unlike all the rest of us non-Gothard following heathens. She will never grasp the concept that regular people prayer for their children everyday.

It doesn't take much in fundie land to be considered a sin or an unclean thought or yielding to temptation or whatever. Just saying to someone a sincere thought like "What would happen if we went somewhere by ourselves?" would be enough to send you to the prayer closet or worse!

[SamuraiKatz]

It sounds like these kids were raised in a fundie concentration camp. I've never asked my kids about "secrets" if it is important, they will eventually talk to me about it anyway.

[Visionoyahweh]

Gothard is pretty big on rebellion and misbehavior being caused by 'secret sin'. I don't get how they hate Catholics, but love them some confession/absolution.

Shouldn't they just 'give it all over to God'?

[SamuraiKatz]

Gothard is pretty big on rebellion and misbehavior being caused by 'secret sin'. I don't get how they hate Catholics, but love them some confession/absolution.

Shouldn't they just 'give it all over to God'?

Those kids are never alone, where/ when would a Duggar kid have an opportunity to commit secret sin?

[JenniferJuniper]

Watch out for quite ones....those are the ones to look for as snitches. If they're quite, that means their watching and waiting.

So true. My nearly silent 13 year old (I actually called the doctor when she was a baby because she almost never cried. He laughed at me...) appears oblivious, but she's listening carefully to everyone. And often plotting how to use the information she's gathering.

[Anxious Girl]

Sadly, I think each kid gets to see their parents once/twice a month. I don't think that they're actually talking to her, but just telling her what she wants to here; like robots. Michelle to me is a non-psychologist/therapist. In public she pretends to care about her kids; when all she really does is worry about how many handmaids and warriors she can pop out for God. To me, I think she views her kids as quantity, not quality. She probably doesn't know any of their deep concerns, because everything is; pray to God for your concerns!

Or they kids are afraid that she will punish them cruelly for "unGodly" thoughts. She will wonder why nobody will want her and Jim-Bob to stay with her when she's at a retirement home. I wonder if her and Jim-Bob had bad relationships with their parents. If so; that does not excuse them from having the same realtionship with their children. I don't think the kids even want to talk to their parents about emotional concerns and feelings because they may feel as if their parents will reprimend them and tell them their feelings are unGodly and wrong. Michelle doesn't think about this probably, and thinks that they're "rebellious" when they have feelings that she and her husband don't appreciate, sadly.

[helloemi]

Yup, I had a baptist best friend in middle school. Her dad wouldn't allow her to cut her hair. One day she called me and told me that her mom wouldn't let us be friends any more. I hated Christians for years because of this.

I'm pretty sure my secular music, makeup and the fact that my older brother (19 at the time) smoked made me wicked. Did I mention that her father smoked? Grrrrr hypocrites!

Wow, this was like 15 years ago... funny how old feelings come back :-)

[darareaksmey]

Way to build a strong parent-child relationship, J'Uterus--by making your kids feel that there MUST be something they're keeping from you, or there MUST be something they need you to pray about. Hammering guilt into your kids' heads will only engender low self-esteem--which I know you don't care about now, Mullet. But what'll you do when one or more of them escapes and considers how/whether to stay in touch? You'll never hear from them again, because you personally, Mommy Dearest, are the font of so much pain and guilt.

[Lady]

Sadly, I think each kid gets to see their parents once/twice a month.

And how is this any different from the evil divorced parents?

[CanadianHippie]

Those kids are never alone, where/ when would a Duggar kid have an opportunity to commit secret sin?

They peek when someone says nike!

Or have naughty thoughts about kissing someone.

[Elle]

If I lived in that family (well, first I would slit my wrists, but anyway) I'd be very suspicious of Mommy dearest asking me if I had any secrets. I would assume that one of my "best friends" i.e. siblings had ratted me out.

A tip from women's magazines is to tell your boyfriend (those rags always presume you're straight and not married) that you know what he's been keeping from you, and act mad, to see if he really was and confesses. Basically to trick him into giving up a secret, either about himself or someone else.

This bugs me on so many levels as well. No child has an outside friend to confide in, so they have to confide in a sibling - who probably owes alliegience more to mom than to you. Your best friend should be outside the family or they aren't much use.

I don't agree. In the family or out, doesn't matter, AS LONG AS the person has the chance to make true friends outside the family. Those kids are each other's only, and so best, friends by default.

Also - if one on one time is so fucking precious, use it for fun possitive things. Last night I just sat on the couch with my 20 year old and we talked and laughed and had a cuddle. No pressure to confide any deep dark secrets, just nice conversation.

One-on-one time with Mommy Jchelle sounds more like an interrogation. Maybe that's why it's "precious" to her. It's her chance to make sure the kids are suspicious of each other.

[Elle]

Snitches. As a kid, my brother and I were very close, you could even say best friends. It drove our parents up the wall that we would never rat each other out. One of us broke something and wouldn't speak up? $50 to the one who tells who did it, but not by a confession (to make sure there wasn't a false confession for the money). Didn't work. More often than not, whoever confessed did it to keep the other out of trouble, like one week my brother got in a lot of trouble for some stupid shit he did with some buddies, then broke our dad's turntable on accident. I 'fessed up, and I know our parents knew, it wasn't me, but they did have a hard time punishing us when one of us was willing to take the fall for each other. So the punishment was usually pretty mild, grounded for a day versus a week.

So I don't agree that siblings can always be counted on to rat each other out. Even now, if my brother did something bad, I'd cover for him. He'd cover for me. I love my brother, and with that love is the respect to keep secrets that don't hurt anybody.

[JenniferJuniper]

And how is this any different from the evil divorced parents?

Because if the children of divorced parents are only seeing one parent one or twice a month, they are still living - and no doubt having regular daily contact with - the parent who has primary custody.