Wow, this adoptive mom is a bitch.

[Elle]

I seldom post, but read here daily. Just have to comment because this girl's situation is breaking my heart. I am adult who was adopted as a small baby from a 3rd world country. My adoptive parents always saw me as a servant in their home somehow. It was crazy. They dressed me up and paraded me around, but in private I was always reminded how grateful I should be and what if they had left me behind, blah blah. I have very mixed feelings regarding adoption because of the hurt that still plagues me way into adulthood. I think the worst is the "savior" mentality some adoptive parents take on. It's all about them, how charitable, how loving, how kind you are to accept another's child. My dad has called me the biggest mistake they ever made. Does anyone realize the lifetime scarring they are inflicting because of the attitude with which they greet the child. I am now a loving mom and grand mom, been through years of therapy, and I STILL have residual hurt. I hope this doesn't offend, but people need to see the impact on an adult. I don't feel my story has been told often and I know there are many more like me out there. BTW mine was a Christian/church facilitated adoption.

The only people this will offend are those who see nothing wrong with what those assholes did to you. Adoptions from China and other countries can go well IF the people adopting are good people dedicated to not ripping a child from her culture and turning her into a servant I have a friend who adopted her daughter from China, and she makes sure her daughter has every chance to honor her culture, the whole family participates in Chinese events and education, her adoption day is celebrated like a birthday because her adoption is seen as a great thing because it completed their family, etc..

What's wrong is when people do what those assholes did to you, adopting for the wrong reasons and then taking it out on the child. I'm so sorry you went through that.

[valsa]

You would think an adoptive mother, after jumping through all the hoops of an international adoption, would just hug her and say, "That's right! I'm your Mama!"

But then how would your child know to fear you?

And now I've just made myself sick having to type that...

[valsa]

I have very mixed feelings regarding adoption because of the hurt that still plagues me way into adulthood. I think the worst is the "savior" mentality some adoptive parents take on.

Not all adoption is like what you went through (very few things in life don't have a way to do them wrong, and adoption definitely is not one of those things) I'm a big proponent of only adopting if you really, really want a kid. Granted, I could see choosing to adopt from a certain place or a certain type of child because there's a greater need*, but the foundation to adopt at all should be built on the desire to add a child to your family. You should never make the decision to adopt just to "save" someone.

* For instance, I'm leaning towards international adoption sometime in the far, far future because I think that, even though foster children in the U.S. who age out without being adopted face a bleak future, there are even less social safety nets to fall back in in some of the other countries that I could adopt from.

[PrincessOfSiam]

Sorry, I should have been clearer. I know that all international adoptions are like mine. But what the woman being discussed talks about ( on a public blog no less) sounds startlingly like my mother. It's the attitude of saving children from what is perceived as an inferior culture that I have a problem with. I was raised without my native language, customs etc which is sad in itself. And my father was a major bigot, so perhaps adopting from Latin America wasn't the best idea. I was never going to be white enough for that family. I've also known several adopted people that had a marvelous upbringing. My worry is with the push for Christians to adopt in order to better the world, much like the fundys procreating. And I'm a Christian myself. It is just so arrogant!

[BelieveinScience]

So the kid is a toddler and has only had a mother for two weeks? Of course she is saying Mama all the time. She has been waiting years to call someone that.

You would think an adoptive mother, after jumping through all the hoops of an international adoption, would just hug her and say, "That's right! I'm your Mama!"

Its not a toddler it's an 7-9 year old with Cystic fibrosis who has never had a mom before.

Elle- Yes, I'm going to be emailing my friend about this. I'm just going to copy and paste the parts here then link to her blog. This woman shold have never been allowed to adopt.

[ADoyle90815]

ALL kids go through the mommymommymommymommymommymommy thing. I just told mine that I was changing my name and not letting her know what my new name was. :lol:

That made me think of when Stewie did that on Family Guy. I think it's sickening that those adoptive children ended up with such a bitch, who makes that hot sauce mom on Dr Phil look like Mother of the Year, and she ended up getting probation.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/alaskas-hot-sa ... 6W4_MWsqC8

[Maul the Koala]

I've been refraining from posting until I'm no longer a Grumpy McGrouchyson but I have three words to say:

Fuck. This. Bitch. I don't want to pull the 'you're so lucky card' but it's going to be hard for metro have biological children and adoption is looking to be even harder because of my health issues. She can rightly go screw herself with a pitchfork. I'd love to take care of that child, she doesn't deserve that kind of mother.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Sorry, I should have been clearer. I know that all international adoptions are like mine. But what the woman being discussed talks about ( on a public blog no less) sounds startlingly like my mother. It's the attitude of saving children from what is perceived as an inferior culture that I have a problem with. I was raised without my native language, customs etc which is sad in itself. And my father was a major bigot, so perhaps adopting from Latin America wasn't the best idea. I was never going to be white enough for that family. I've also known several adopted people that had a marvelous upbringing. My worry is with the push for Christians to adopt in order to better the world, much like the fundys procreating. And I'm a Christian myself. It is just so arrogant!

The "savior" thing is definitely a huge problem. A while ago when I went on a Chinese adoption blog reading binge there were so many blogs with that patronizing attitude going on (even if not nearly in the same league as what it sounds like your adoptive parents were doing) and it was plain disturbing.

Luckily there WERE some good blogs out there too, and most of them were explicitly taking a stance against the "savior" mentality of some of those others. They were also pointing out that the kid is going to need to grieve for what they're losing, particularly when they're already culturally-adapted fully verbal older kids, but even infants will at some point later on realize what they missed out on learning, even if they never had it. Also in many cases it is going to be an issue of growing up as a minority rather than as a member of the majority in their country of origin, and yes, it matters. Parents who don't know what that's like (because they are not minorities) need to be sensitive, and the creepy blogs were definitely not sensitive - up to and including calling their kids by food terms. Some of the good ones were really great, though, lots of really thought-provoking stuff.

But yeah, a lot of the disturbing (to me) blogs were really emphasizing moves in the church for as many Christians to adopt as many kids as possible, to the point where some of them were really seeming like collectors, and on top of it they were plain about their goal being saving the kids by raising them Christian. Just look at some of the stories coming out of Haiti to see how that can go terribly wrong.

[fluttershies]

Is there such a thing as post-adoption depression, similar to post-natal/post-partum depression? Her saying 'it makes me want to kill' raises some serious depressive illness red flags for me. I think this lady is very, very ill. I'm not excusing her behaviour but it sounds like a major depressive episode, not just being a bitch. I hope she gets some help, and soon.

[FloraDoraDolly]

Is there such a thing as post-adoption depression, similar to post-natal/post-partum depression? Her saying 'it makes me want to kill' raises some serious depressive illness red flags for me. I think this lady is very, very ill. I'm not excusing her behaviour but it sounds like a major depressive episode, not just being a bitch. I hope she gets some help, and soon.

That's how it sounds to me, too.

Generally speaking, I think adoption agencies need to do a better job of preparing these parents for what's likely to happen when they bring their child home. In addition to their native culture, the internationally adopted child has also grown up in an "orphanage culture." For example, over and over again, I've read about parents totally freaking out when their new son or daughter hoards food. Typically developing middle-class American kids don't hoard food. It isn't mentioned in the popular parenting books. Even the screaming brats on Supernanny don't hoard food. But this behavior is extremely common among older adoptees. It's part of orphanage culture. If the parents could learn ahead of time that this is something their new child might do and here is how other families dealt with it, that would make the transition easier for everyone. If there are other children in the home (as is the case with the blog family), the new arrival doesn't see them as brothers and sisters; she sees them as competition for food, toys, attention, everything. That's the way it was in the orphanage-- the most aggressive kids got the best stuff, so why not punch that smaller kid sitting next to you at the dinner table and grab his pizza? Again, it's easier for the new parents to deal with this behavior if they know what to expect and how to respond. Communicating with a child who doesn't speak your language is another area where parents can prepare themselves. If I were running an international adoption program, I would make parenting classes mandatory and there would be counselors or social workers on call to respond to extreme situations. Keep in mind, I am speaking in general terms here, NOT defending this woman.

[valsa]

Is there such a thing as post-adoption depression, similar to post-natal/post-partum depression? Her saying 'it makes me want to kill' raises some serious depressive illness red flags for me. I think this lady is very, very ill. I'm not excusing her behaviour but it sounds like a major depressive episode, not just being a bitch. I hope she gets some help, and soon.

I don't think it's any sort of post-adoption depression. I could understand if the "it makes me want to kill" came across as "it makes me want to kill myself", but instead it sounds like "it makes me want to kill her". Granted, I'm not an expert on depression (anxiety is my issue) but I didn't think homicidal feelings were typical of depressed people. Not to mention there's also her "she doesn't fear me" line which, in my opinion, points more to an unhinged, heartless bitch than someone depressed.

[valsa]

Generally speaking, I think adoption agencies need to do a better job of preparing these parents for what's likely to happen when they bring their child home. In addition to their native culture, the internationally adopted child has also grown up in an "orphanage culture." For example, over and over again, I've read about parents totally freaking out when their new son or daughter hoards food.

Yes, international adoption agencies should do more to prepare and support adoptive parents pre- and post-adoption. However, parents also have a responsibility to prepare themselves. As you said, things like hoarding food are not uncommon. If adoptive parents are competent enough to fill out all the paperwork and pass all the inspections needed to adopt internationally, they should have no problem doing a few quick Google searches for behavior issues in post-institutionalized children.

[NurseNell]

Wow! And those were only some of the crazy things in that post. There were a few more that also concerned me:

Why did you adopt internationally if you don't want a child who can't speak you language. Of course she's not going to be speaking fluent English after only two weeks!

At least the doctor seems to realize it might take her some time to adapt to all the changes she's been through in the past TWO weeks!

I saw that too, and thought the same thing. I would not expect any English fluency for 6 months, and that's just a guess on my part. I wonder if this mother did any homework on adopting older kids internationally before hand. It doesn't sound like it.

[fluttershies]

I don't think it's any sort of post-adoption depression. I could understand if the "it makes me want to kill" came across as "it makes me want to kill myself", but instead it sounds like "it makes me want to kill her". Granted, I'm not an expert on depression (anxiety is my issue) but I didn't think homicidal feelings were typical of depressed people. Not to mention there's also her "she doesn't fear me" line which, in my opinion, points more to an unhinged, heartless bitch than someone depressed.

Major depressive episodes can have psychotic features. There is also being in a mixed state, which is having depressive and manic symptoms simultaneously. 'Unhinged' is still being ill, and since she certainly isn't experiencing normal thoughts relating to adoption, she needs help. Again, it doesn't excuse her actions but there is definitely some kind of mood disorder going on.

[pixydust]

I don't think it's any sort of post-adoption depression. I could understand if the "it makes me want to kill" came across as "it makes me want to kill myself", but instead it sounds like "it makes me want to kill her". Granted, I'm not an expert on depression (anxiety is my issue) but I didn't think homicidal feelings were typical of depressed people. Not to mention there's also her "she doesn't fear me" line which, in my opinion, points more to an unhinged, heartless bitch than someone depressed.

Actually, PPD can cause feelings of homicide in some women. In me it caused severe anxiety and some hallucinations with my first, then feeling super overwhelmed with the other two (hence the decision to not have more), but I do know that it's different for different women. My mom had dreams of murdering my older brother when he was a little baby, it really stressed her out!

[valsa]

Major depressive episodes can have psychotic features. There is also being in a mixed state, which is having depressive and manic symptoms simultaneously. 'Unhinged' is still being ill, and since she certainly isn't experiencing normal thoughts relating to adoption, she needs help. Again, it doesn't excuse her actions but there is definitely some kind of mood disorder going on.

True but I'm not sure post-adoption depression could easily get to the point of psychosis (compared to post-partum psychosis, which likely has a hormonal component) "Unhinged" can be a lot of things, not just mentally ill. And I'm not sure where you're getting evidence of some kind of mood disorder. People can be assholes without being mentally ill. Wanting your child to fear you and being excessively angry at them for doing something annoying does not automatically equal mental illness.

[pixydust]

True but I'm not sure post-adoption depression could easily get to the point of psychosis (compared to post-partum psychosis, which likely has a hormonal component) "Unhinged" can be a lot of things, not just mentally ill. And I'm not sure where you're getting evidence of some kind of mood disorder. People can be assholes without being mentally ill. Wanting your child to fear you and being excessively angry at them for doing something annoying does not automatically equal mental illness.

I don't know.....to be honest I babysit my very badly behaved, mean, manipulative 6 year old nephew....this kid is so bad that I have to keep him and my 4 year old separate or in the same room as me at all times, and I have never wanted to hurt him and I don't want him to fear me. This lady doesn't seem like an asshole, she seems cruel and self centered ("it's hard for me! I'm tired of hearing mommy! I want her medicated so she isn't annoying!" there is no empathy for the child, that is disturbing and not normal asshole behavior). I'm not trying to diagnose this chick, but she seems more than a little left of center.

[dairyfreelife]

I saw that too, and thought the same thing. I would not expect any English fluency for 6 months, and that's just a guess on my part. I wonder if this mother did any homework on adopting older kids internationally before hand. It doesn't sound like it.

Uh, she's 7/8 right? My cousin, who was adopted at the age of four from China took about six or more months to be completely fluent in English meaning she could communicate back and forth with those around her, understand what the adults were saying at her age level of understanding and being to tell them what she needed and wanted without any trouble. They put her in a preschool where one teacher spoke fluent Mandarin and was able to help her transition into the language. I'm sure adopting is stressful, especially when you have to go to a new country for several weeks, but to never want to hear the language again? It's like the asshole expected her child to come home and suddenly get it right away because it's just that simple. Has she never looked at even one book about language development in her life? I'm now thankful for all those education classes I took.

The thougth of being pregnant unnerves me because of my health. Having suffered severe anxiety and mild depression, I'm not sure how the hormones would effect my body. I would like to adopt to form a family instead of birthing children, but I doubt I'll be able to because of my health and anxiety. I probably can't adopt, but a woman like this can? I know some people slide through the system, but she really shouldn't have adopted. She was clearly unprepared and just thought she was doing a "good deed" that had nothing to do with adding to her family and giving a child without a family a place in hers.

This woman is Grade A Shit! She needs help and I hope that child can go to a family who's understanding and willing to bond with her. I really hope that little girl is okay. Her mother's words scare me. :shock:

I don't want to call her a bitch or an ass because that would insult the animals, so I'll leave it as any other insults available, she probably fits most.

[LilMissMetaphor]

That was fast...the page won't load any more.

[lilah]

I am kind of hoping she's experiencing post adoption depression because otherwise, yikes! Hope she gets some help.

Whenever I read about adoptive parents who are just baffled by their kids exhibiting behaviors typical in children who were traumatized/institutionalized I wonder why people who would are willing to pay thousands of dollars, travel around the world and fill out hours of paperwork but can't be bothered to research adoptive parenting. It seems like an absurd level of hubris to think that love and jesus alone is going to heal your kid.

[NurseNell]

That was fast...the page won't load any more.

Right, the whole blog is private now. I did get some screenshots before it closed.

[Elle]

But yeah, a lot of the disturbing (to me) blogs were really emphasizing moves in the church for as many Christians to adopt as many kids as possible, to the point where some of them were really seeming like collectors, and on top of it they were plain about their goal being saving the kids by raising them Christian. Just look at some of the stories coming out of Haiti to see how that can go terribly wrong.

Have you heard of the Lebensborn program? Under HItler's regime, a program was set up to create a "super race" of humans. Aryan, blond with blue eyes preferred, having to trace family trees back generations. Not all those who applied were accepted. SS officers were encouraged to have as many babies with Aryan women as possible.

Over a quarter million non-German children who could visually pass for Hitler's vision of pure were kidnapped and given to German families to be indoctrinated with the belief of Hitler and to be raised as German children. At the end of the war, many of these children believed so fiercely that they were German that they refused to go back to their real families, and many German families refused to give up those who did.

These Christian-savior-idiots remind me of that. Remove a child from their culture/religion to indoctrinate them into some "superior" culture/religion.

[NurseNell]

Here's her birthday post, since that page is still open to me as I was already on it when she closed the blog:

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My Berfday

Today is my birthday and I am still here. Since I am at the end I am more homesick than I thought possible, just knowing I am so close yet so freakin far. Berkeley is doing ok, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes very good and other times very bad. Health wise she will need some treatment when we get home. She wakes herself (and me) up every day about 6am coughing up her lungs, she desperately needs breathing treatments. I've upped her dosage of creon and she's stopped pooping every 30 minutes, the downside of that is I am using up the creon the hospital here gave me. Behavior wise she is good and bad. Se is trying to be good, she may need to be evaluated by a behavioral specialist when she's home. She may need something for hyperactivity and impulsiveness. The only thing that disturbs me is her finding painful things funny. Not just funny, hilarious. She loves to make jokes at other people's expenses. When we watched signing time together she was dying laughing after making fun of every disabled person, even Asian people she pulled her eyes out from her head and nearly died laughing. Not a big problem except when I try to correct her she just mumbles nasty comments under her breath and continues to laugh. I am hoping she doesn't do anything to the children at home, like hurting them to make herself laugh. She has kicked a cat and died laughing at the orphanage but I kind of flipped on her and she hasn't done anything like that since, although to be fair she hasn't been around an animal since.

All I want to do is come home and the American Embassy is trying to make this difficult. We moved late in the year 2010 and our taxes show a low income for most of that year but my husband got the best job ever so that's why we moved and my home study reflects that new income. It was enough for the courts here. Not so the embassy, I would continue to say "American" embassy but it is staffed with English speaking Ukrainians so I was sorely disappointed. They asked for a diff form my husband needed to sign and email, no biggie, but they also wanted copies of all his paychecks. Which his work doesn't have immediate access to. Thank goodness I am crazy enough to make a copy of his paychecks and I had my oldest email them to the embassy right after my appt yesterday and my facilitator called and they received them. But sometimes I did forget to copy the check. So some are missing. I sent tons. I hope when they add them up it doesn't seem like we don't make enough, I will find out more today when I have my 2pm visa appt which they scheduled anyway yesterday after I said I'd email all the crap they wanted. I won't know anything until I go. In my mind I am saying if they try to make problems and want more things or want to say I can't do this I do believe I'm getting on that flight whether I can take her with me or not. At this point I've been here for 7 weeks and my family back home needs me. My first job is to them. My oldest cannot continue to play house for me as she must get back to her university in another state and I don't have any more people who want to watch my entire family anymore after 7 freakin weeks of tag teaming. So I'm at the point where I don't give a crap. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. Oh yeah, happy birthday to me.

Oh poor me seems to be the point.

[lilah]

Okay and that's another thing that bugs me. The kid on the photo-listing was named Diana. Why change her name to Berkeley? I can understand changing the name of an infant but a 7 year old knows her own name and has been responding to it for years It just seems needlessly cruel to take her name away from her along with everything else she's losing. (and sidenote it's not like Diana is this obscure, unpronounceable name either, it's common enough in the US) If she wanted to change her name that would be Diana's choice when she is settled in the US.

[Maul the Koala]

Okay and that's another thing that bugs me. The kid on the photo-listing was named Diana. Why change her name to Berkeley? I can understand changing the name of an infant but a 7 year old knows her own name and has been responding to it for years It just seems needlessly cruel to take her name away from her along with everything else she's losing. (and sidenote it's not like Diana is this obscure, unpronounceable name either, it's common enough in the US) If she wanted to change her name that would be Diana's choice when she is settled in the US.

If the kid is still mostly speaking Ukrainian at this point she probably doesn't realize her name has been changed to Berkeley.