Dear Teri and Steve Maxwell

[terranova]

Dear Teri and Steve,

I have a problem.

 

I want to raise my children right in the eyes of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ (blessed be his name Amen Hallelujah), and I've worked hard since they were babies to train them up to be righteous headships and helpmeets.

 

I've used the wooden spoon so many times it's worn thin and we have a frequent user card at the local plumbing supply store. I've taught them to stay on the blanket so well we have to take it with us if we go anywhere as they don't sit down without it.

 

My headship and I have worked hard and we feel our 12 blessings under 12 (4 of which are after a reversal, praise the lord and Samaritan Ministries) are Godly children, but we need some advice from the minds of people who have done such a good job training their own children they will never leave their parents. This is what we want!

 

Our question is this: our oldest child will be a teenager next year, and we know that this is traditionally a rebelious phase.

 

Now, young Smite-The-Heathens has never been to school, we home church, he doesn't play sports, only listens to the Bible or Gregorian chants, and is learning how to discipline his sisters, but we feel he is still needing some guidance as he approaches this difficult time.

 

Can you share with us how you stripped your sons of all of their life and vigour so they would marry Godly women and buy the house next to ours?

 

Can you tell me how I can help Smite-The-Heathens sister Piety-Humiliation grow to fear and cower under the iron fist of her Father and never leave me to do all the laundry myself?

 

Share with us your wisdom, we are but shadows of your greatselves.

 

Yours in Christ,

Mr and Mrs Steadfast-Tribulation Brown, Eastbumfuck, Missouri

[Sola]

I dare you to send that to Steve!

[terranova]

I dare you to send that to Steve!

I thought about it, then I thought, surely he's not that stupid!?

[uber frau]

If you tweaked it to make it sound semi-serious, you might get a reply. I"ve gotta admit I'm curious what he'd say. Maybe I should just fork out for a second hand Maxwell best-seller on Amazon...

[Justme]

:lol: Truth is stranger than fiction. If you'd read a book with a family like their's, you'd never believe it. It's so sad, really....

[clibbyjo]

Your mistake is you mentioned the evil Gregorian chant, that is Catholic!!

[Arete]

Dear Mrs. Steadfast Tribulation-Brown,

While your disciplining is exemplary as outlined in the letter, I must ask some followup questions. Have you rid your home of The Beast? It is all well and good to listen only to hymns but even 2 minutes in front of The Beast will undo listening to Handel's "Messiah" after personal time with the Lord. Speaking of personal time with the Lord, you do not mention this at all in your letter. You do impose personal time with the Lord on all your blessings, don't you? If your children are in personal time with the Lord often enough to only change their underwear every 2nd day, I assure you their will be no time for rebellion.

Yours in the sanctimony of the Pharisees,

Maxwell's Silver Hammer

[Koala]

Love it! I vote for tweaking it just enough to get them to respond.

[Dixiebelle]

:o Gasp! Aren't Gregorian chants of the debbil??? :o

[marmalade]

Your mistake is you mentioned the evil Gregorian chant, that is Catholic!!

Still funny as hell to picture the blessings in long, hooded monk robes. They could be "new" Christians raised Catholic, so they don't realize that tradition doesn't carry over to Protestentism.

[GolightlyGrrl]

I agree about the tweaking. Change it up a bit, and send the letter off. I'd love to know Teri and Steve's reaction.

[WonderingInWA]

If you rewrite it just a bit here and there, you might get lucky and he'll feature it in an upcoming issue of Corners! Woot!

[Vex]

For the first time ever, that made me think of Teri and Steve Irwin... why has that never struck me before?

I agree, by the way, but you'll have to heavily tweak it and you'll need to put as much truth in the letter as possible to make it pass as genuine. The best lies are the ones built on a foundation of truth. Tell them YOUR religious upbringing, tell them you became interested in the true path/fundism when you actually did and so forth... still, they probably read here and will know.

[Elle]

I thought about it, then I thought, surely he's not that stupid!?

There's only one way to find out. :D

[divadivine]

Your mistake is you mentioned the evil Gregorian chant, that is Catholic!!

Truth! Gregorian Chant = Pope Gregory (aka: Gregory the Great) = Evil Catholic Devil Music