Submission: dangerous ideas

[thetabmeister]

My fundie-lite sister-in-law just posted the following status about her and her boyfriend on Facebook:

"sometimes the number one job we, as girls, have is to make our boy look good. its a simple but hard task. we just need to do it and not think about our personal wants."

I freaked out and posted something about the ideal relationship being one where both partners seek to put the good of the other above their own so that each person gets their own needs met. I didn't want to sound too argumentative because I didn't want her to get mad at me. But I'm smelling a potentially abusive/doormat situation here...

Thoughts about her statement? Does it sound fishy to you?

[tinuviel]

If my "boy" wants to look good, then he should try ACTUALLY BEING GOOD. If he can't do that, then that's his problem and not mine.

Yeah, that sounds like controlling/abusive ass-hattery to me.

[TinyDancer87]

If she's a Christian, then her #1 job in life, as a girl, is to serve her God, not a boyfriend. Just pointing out the fallocy.

But yes, I agree with you. She'll learn real quick once she's married that complete servitude does NOT make a happy wife.

[thetabmeister]

Idk if she's a Christian or not. She says she is but I don't know what people mean by that, KWIM? She was raised really strict in an IFBx, Bob Jones Un1versity-esque household and has recently "rebelled" by moving out and dating a guy who doesn't claim to be religious. Anyway she apparently still retains a lot of false ideas about respect and interpersonal relationships. Respect should be earned and you should tend to your own needs, IMO first, then care for the ones you love. And if he ain't a good person she had better stop hoping he will change for her. It's been a year they've been together already.

[snarkbillie]

While I don't have to make my husband "look good" I do try not to make him "look bad" if that makes any sense. I am frustrated with him sometimes but I have enough respect not to blast it out all over town (and/or Facebook!) like some of my friends. Does he piss me off sometimes? Yep. You know who needs to hear about it when it happens? He does. (and possibly my bestie for ranting purposes). He affords me the same respect.

I try not to say demeaning things about him. That's the extent of it.

[tinuviel]

Snarkbillie, I'm with you. That sounds like basic consideration to me.

Tabmeister, I hope your SIL is able to work through her still fundy relationship ideas. I know I hung on to more than a few for a while, and it let to some pretty shitty relationships. Good on you for keeping the conversation lines open on this topic!

[atheistjd]

While I don't have to make my husband "look good" I do try not to make him "look bad" if that makes any sense. I am frustrated with him sometimes but I have enough respect not to blast it out all over town (and/or Facebook!) like some of my friends. Does he piss me off sometimes? Yep. You know who needs to hear about it when it happens? He does. (and possibly my bestie for ranting purposes). He affords me the same respect.

I try not to say demeaning things about him. That's the extent of it.

Pretty much this. It's just basic golden rule stuff. I am always shocked at some of the things people post about significant others on FB... like, would you want them to post that about YOU? I dunno, I think of myself and the Mr. as a team, so I guess I do try to make him look good, but it is totally mutual, and never at my own expense. You shouldn't have to put yourself down to build a partner up. If you do, there's a problem.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Pretty much this. It's just basic golden rule stuff. I am always shocked at some of the things people post about significant others on FB... like, would you want them to post that about YOU? I dunno, I think of myself and the Mr. as a team, so I guess I do try to make him look good, but it is totally mutual, and never at my own expense. You shouldn't have to put yourself down to build a partner up. If you do, there's a problem.

Ditto. Out of basic love and respect, you should be supportive of your partner and help them, and certainly not tear them down in front of others.

It should be a mutual thing, though. Is he that supportive to her as well?

[thetabmeister]

Thanks guys, you've given me some good ideas for what to say to her if she wants to discuss it.

I never meant that it was bad to make other people look good when your alternative is shaming them and slamming them, but what I worried about was the whole--I'm going to polish your image even if it goes against what I feel is best for me as an individual and us as a team.

It really is a team, not a man with a fan. I crack myself up. No really. Thanks for the thoughts.

[geniebelle6901]

Somebody needs to tell my feline headship that my submission to him is dangerous...LOL

[slickcat79]

I'll admit I'm guilty of using the girl/chick/boy/guy/dude language at times, but if you're going to post something that's essentially a directive to all of womankind, could you at least try to use your grownup words?

I'm also confused as to how something can be both simple and hard at the same time :?

Overall, I would write the statement off as a lame self-deprecating joke, but it could be worth keeping an eye on the girl.

[thetabmeister]

Oh ho ho, wouldn't you know, the next comment under her status after mine is the bf, posting about how much he loves her and how he would do anything to make her happy. Silly puppy dog lovers. I do hope she's actually happy and being herself tho, and not just trying to do everything for him at the expense of her own interests. :?