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Lillian

Reading TTUAC

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Lillian

So I have an assignment for my class about ethics, gender, and the family. I chose to analyse TTUAC through various ethical lenses. It's the first time I have actually read the book.

THESE PEOPLE ARE FREAKING INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the actual fuck! My life goal has changed from 'be a successful historian' to 'hunt down the Pearls so they can never harm any child every again!'. UGH!

Sorry I just wanted to vent...carry on!

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ilovetchotchkes
So I have an assignment for my class about ethics, gender, and the family. I chose to analyse TTUAC through various ethical lenses. It's the first time I have actually read the book.

THESE PEOPLE ARE FREAKING INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the actual fuck! My life goal has changed from 'be a successful historian' to 'hunt down the Pearls so they can never harm any child every again!'. UGH!

Sorry I just wanted to vent...carry on!

We can do it together.... i'm sure a few more people of FJ will join us, we can be like a mercenary band of roving pirates.... saving children from abuse.

I have a fundie lite friend who is all into the Duggars but she practices attachment parenting. I'm really REALLY tempted to tell her about their Pearl methods.

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nomi

I bought it at a yard sale and I think I made it through two chapters before I threw it on the grill. Seriously, I burned that POS on the grill.

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debrand

The entire book used to be free on the internet. The first time that I read the book, I was shocked that anyone would recommend that trash. Now I am glad that I read it because I've read it because there are so many fundies who try to deny what is clearly written in the book.

There used to be a lot of postive reviews for the book on Amazon. That has changed, thankfully but you can still find some Pearl defenders. It is interesting to read how blind they are.

http://www.amazon.com/To-Train-Up-A-Chi ... 697&sr=8-1

Correct advice; misunderstood by some., December 22, 2011

By James D Stech (Wakarusa, IN, US) - See all my reviewsThis review is from: To Train Up A Child (Paperback)

Correction done properly and in love is not abuse but shows real love and care for children and they will not resent it. Where do people get beating and abuse out of this? Thats not what is taught. Some must have twisted perception.

5.0 out of 5 stars A review from someone who has actually read the book!, April 11, 2012

By thejoyoftom (IN/FL, USA) - See all my reviewsThis review is from: To Train Up A Child (Paperback)

I understand there is a controversy brewing over the Pearl's book. It will not be hard for an honest person to scroll through these reviews and see which are true reviews of the book and which are manipulative attempts to skew the ratings (and force censorship through intimidation by narrow-minded people who have not even bothered to read what they so venomously oppose.) It all boils down to a difference in child rearing philosophy. Simply put, if you see any and all corporal punishment as abuse, you will not like the Pearl's book. If you see value in a balanced approach of limit setting, with appropriate follow through (a.k.a., consequences and yes, that does sometimes include a swift swat on the backside when the rules need reinforcing) founded on a relationship of love and trust between parents and children, than you will like To Train Up A Child. The Pearl's go out of their way to emphasize that severe discipline carried out in anger by an out of control parent is nothing short of abuse. The main emphasis of the book is tying heartstrings to secure the parent's relationship with their child, so love and respect binds the family together and punitive discipline becomes non-existent. The children want to please their parents because they know their parents are trying to do what is best for them and this produces a happy family. My husband and I have 8 children. Half are grown and starting families of their own. We have used the principles of child training as the Pearl's book describes and the results have been beyond wonderful. We are enjoying the fruits of our labor that of happy, productive, well-adjusted adults (who as children were a pleasure to be around and take anywhere!)

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Lillian

I was actually really happy that I couldn't find the book in any library in my state. The first chapter is online so I'm just using that- which works out well because if I have to read any more of that bullshit I have no idea what I would do.

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desertvixen

I have the PDF, which I think I got from the site that it's been pulled from. However, I thought the site I initially downloaded it from had it up so that people couldn't deny the crazy.

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Elle

I have the link on my computer at home and will link to the book online tomorrow.

I have a friend who thinks the Pearls are amazing and that attachment parents are crazy. She never replies when I ask about how it's not abuse to whip kids who are 4 months and link to where they talk about doing it.

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FlorenceHamilton

I have read much of the book. It is difficult to get through it except in short chunks because it makes me so angry/sick/nauseas/outraged. My children are grown. They use the term "tying their heartstrings". I do not like the term, but I do get the concept. It turns out that you do not need to beat the child to bond them to you. That would be a traumatic bond and comes with a whole host of anger and trust issues that are terribly unhealthy.

I always set the bar high for my children and rewarded them for their efforts to reach new goals. If they had difficulty reaching the expectations of each age and stage, they were encouraged to try again, to try a different strategy, or the new behavior was broken down into smaller pieces. Effort was always as important as learning a new skill set. Disappointments and frustration were recognized as legitimate emotions. How we deal with these emotions is something that people learn and relearn throughout their lives. I was not a perfect mom and I am willing to admit the times that I made mistakes with my kids and we discuss them from time to time even now.

My grown children have a bond with me even as adults. We delight in each others' company. We did have trauma and pain along the way. Sometimes I lost my temper and said/did things that I regretted. I have shared this with them. And I even used physical punishment a few times, but did not like it or like myself after doing it. I have apologized to my children for making a bad choice that day.

They are correct that the bond between parent and child is key to raising responsible children. Traumatic bonding is not the way to do it. They are looking to exact behaviors that outsiders would admire. That is a very ugly thing. You raise your children to be good people on the inside. The outward acceptability will come secondary to that.

Sick fucks these people are.

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ilovetchotchkes

I always set the bar high for my children and rewarded them for their efforts to reach new goals. If they had difficulty reaching the expectations of each age and stage, they were encouraged to try again, to try a different strategy, or the new behavior was broken down into smaller pieces. Effort was always as important as learning a new skill set. Disappointments and frustration were recognized as legitimate emotions. How we deal with these emotions is something that people learn and relearn throughout their lives. I was not a perfect mom and I am willing to admit the times that I made mistakes with my kids and we discuss them from time to time even now.

.

This is exactly the approach I'm going for. I don't understand how these people think its not only necessary but RIGHT to beat their children to get them to be well behaved kids.

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2xx1xy1JD

Wow, I have always hated the Pearl's articles, but reading TTUAC in its entirely is even worse.

Aside from that one chapter in the middle on tying heartstrings, it's just a manual on how to hit your babies with plumbing line, with a few dire warnings that their souls are destined for hell if you don't and a bizarre rant on the New World Order coming in 2000 (still waiting).

For anyone who wants to see what the polar opposite looks like, from a religious source, here's my favorite book on the subject:

http://books.google.ca/books/about/Rais ... edir_esc=y

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Lillian

Thanks for the link, Elle! That will definitely make my assignment seem more plausible, the excuse I used in my essay was 'I am focusing on chapter one because I cannot bring myself to read the entire thing'- which was partly true, but it does make sense to struggle through the whole book.

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FlorenceHamilton

This is exactly the approach I'm going for. I don't understand how these people think its not only necessary but RIGHT to beat their children to get them to be well behaved kids.

It works. My children are grown and accomplished adults. We have a great relationship. They were taught to question. everything. That is why they are successful.

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apple1
Dr. Sears has a good Christian parenting book too. It's like the Pearl's took his ideas and added their own twisted spin to it.

http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Book-Chr ... 069&sr=1-1

Dr. Sears is excellent overall (he is an advocate of attachment parenting); NOTHING in common in the Pearls' philosophy.

I (myself a Christian FWTW) like to recommend Sears to new parents who are looking for a "Christian" parenting book. I figure it might keep them away from the Pearls, or Tripp, or (the more prevalent around here) Ezzo Babywise.

Actually, I recommend Sears to anyone.

Some people really want something in book form; Sears is a good choice for that.

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pixydust

Dr. Sears is excellent overall (he is an advocate of attachment parenting); NOTHING in common in the Pearls' philosophy.

I (myself a Christian FWTW) like to recommend Sears to new parents who are looking for a "Christian" parenting book. I figure it might keep them away from the Pearls, or Tripp, or (the more prevalent around here) Ezzo Babywise.

Actually, I recommend Sears to anyone.

Some people really want something in book form; Sears is a good choice for that.

I like Dr Sears and I'm not a Christian. I'm not an attachment parent, I like to parent by common sense- we use what works for each child. I do reccomend him to others.

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Elle

I recommend to new parents to ignore the books and follow their guts. A lot of parenting manuals insist their methods work so well that they work for every kid, but then what happens when you have a kid who doesn't respond favorably to the certain methods in a book? Feelings of helplessness, despair, and confusion, because you did everything the professional said to do, but still your kid is acting up. Kids aren't robots, and what works for one won't always work for another. Just because one method worked for all your kids doesn't mean it will work for someone else's kids. I believe a parent's instinct in a powerful thing, and that, combined with being wiling to alter individual methods as needed, is what will work best. How many times have we read about parents who felt it was just so wrong to leave their babies alone to scream all night like Ezzo said, but they did it anyway because he's the professional and so much be right, even though their instincts said to rush in and comfort their child? So I tell my friends, when they're new parents, to ignore the books and follow their guts. The world didn't collapse before Dr. Spock started hocking hot-to-raise-kids books, and their families won't fall apart if they don't buy books on how to do what parents have been doing since the beginning of time without books. I firmly believe that half of the industry is a sham, preying on the concerns parents have that they'll do it wrong, and so self-proclaimed professionals write all these books to make money off of parental insecurity, and if the books' methods fail, the parents can always blame the books.

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ladypuglover
I recommend to new parents to ignore the books and follow their guts. A lot of parenting manuals insist their methods work so well that they work for every kid, but then what happens when you have a kid who doesn't respond favorably to the certain methods in a book? Feelings of helplessness, despair, and confusion, because you did everything the professional said to do, but still your kid is acting up. Kids aren't robots, and what works for one won't always work for another. Just because one method worked for all your kids doesn't mean it will work for someone else's kids. I believe a parent's instinct in a powerful thing, and that, combined with being wiling to alter individual methods as needed, is what will work best. How many times have we read about parents who felt it was just so wrong to leave their babies alone to scream all night like Ezzo said, but they did it anyway because he's the professional and so much be right, even though their instincts said to rush in and comfort their child? So I tell my friends, when they're new parents, to ignore the books and follow their guts. The world didn't collapse before Dr. Spock started hocking hot-to-raise-kids books, and their families won't fall apart if they don't buy books on how to do what parents have been doing since the beginning of time without books. I firmly believe that half of the industry is a sham, preying on the concerns parents have that they'll do it wrong, and so self-proclaimed professionals write all these books to make money off of parental insecurity, and if the books' methods fail, the parents can always blame the books.

^This. I never read a parenting book and if I needed advice I would ask my mother, sisters, friends, MIL, other women who had been there/done that and my doctor. My kids turned out really great so far so i really don't see how parenting books can help for the average child*.

* I could see how parenting books could help for those not dealing with average issues such as health, advanced/delayed skills or a whole host of other issues.

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SpeakNow

I love how Michael Pearl says he doesn't advocate "beatings" but in TTUAC he says

"We have progressed to the place where a discussion of the use of the rod is in order. Let's talk about spankings--sometimes called "whippings.""

if you are just beginning to institute training on an already rebellious child, who runs from discipline and is too incoherent to listen, then use whatever force is necessary to bring him to bay. If you have to sit on him to spank him then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring and are unmoved by his wailing

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