Visionary Man/Reason to Hate Pearls (MERGED)

[Spartan89]

It never fails to shock me when fundies write about the "great advice!!!" they got from reading CtBHH. It's so sad that young wives are told when they marry a command man (aka asshole) they just need to learn to shut up and follow. Here's an interview with Ashley (Kristy Howard's SIL), the wife of a "command man". The worst part is when she talks about her 4 year old having the same traits as his dad. Ashley intelligently concludes that this means little boys have " kingly command man" in their nature :roll:

http://www.littlenaturalcottage.com/201 ... mmand-man/

[Spider Burps]

What's with the image at the bottom of her post? "I want to be AN help meet"? Man, that SOTDRT sure is something.

ETA: It's the title of the whole series she's doing, too! Aaaaargh!

[BoomerLynn]

I remember one time right after we were married – Darren walked into the kitchen and very sternly told me that I was doing a chore the wrong way. It was something so unimportant, but I reacted the wrong way and lost my temper. I told him that I was just doing it the way that my Mom taught me to do it, and that he should just be thankful that I was willing to do all of the chores around the house anyway.

We ended up have a HUGE fight over how I was washing the dishes!

I have learned so much since then. I have learned that when my husband tells me that he wishes for me to do something, that it is my duty to do it. I have actually learned to enjoy doing things the way the that he wants them done, and, believe me, it has it’s rewards

I find this especially disturbing.....

[sableduck]

I handled the above situation with my husband very simply, no arguing or fighting involved.

I simply told him that if he didn't like how I did the dishes, he was welcome to do all of them, his way, for the rest of our marriage.

We bought a dishwasher. For the things that can't be washed in the dishwasher, if I do them, they are done my way, if he does them, then they are done his way.

No need to escalate into a huge fight over it...

[Hane]

What's with the image at the bottom of her post? "I want to be AN help meet"? Man, that SOTDRT sure is something.

ETA: It's the title of the whole series she's doing, too! Aaaaargh!

Putting "an," instead of "a," in front of certain h- words is, I believe, a somewhat common British convention, and kind of old-timey. The writer most likely got it from the KJV.

[kpmom]

Now where is that smiley that best describes what I'm feeling about this interview? Ah yes, here it is.

This is pretty awful too;

"Now that Darren knows that he has my complete support in every area, and that he is “in charge†of our home, I am able to approach him about things and tell him how I feel. It is such a blessing to me when my big ole’ Command Man stops and listens to my feelings on an issue and then agrees with me that my way is better than his. It doesn’t happen every time, but the times that it has have made it all worth it!"

Translation: He actually listens to me sometimes! And now and again, agrees with me! Why it's almost like I'm a real person!!!

[Spider Burps]

Putting "an," instead of "a," in front of certain h- words is, I believe, a somewhat common British convention, and kind of old-timey. The writer most likely got it from the KJV.

Thanks for explaining! I've heard it spoken before (my grandmother does it, so do many of my older friends), but I've never, ever seen it written. It just looks -wrong-, damn it.

[Guest Anonymous]

Thanks for explaining! I've heard it spoken before (my grandmother does it, so do many of my older friends), but I've never, ever seen it written. It just looks -wrong-, damn it.

It is used where the "h" is silent or weakly-pronounced, eg an hour, an hotel. An helpmeet is just daft (unless using a dialect where it is pronounced 'elpmeet', because the "h" is usually very strongly pronounced. Pretentious buggers!

[fluttershies]

It is used where the "h" is silent or weakly-pronounced, eg an hour, an hotel. An helpmeet is just daft (unless using a dialect where it is pronounced 'elpmeet', because the "h" is usually very strongly pronounced. Pretentious buggers!

Clearly the blogger sounds just like Eliza Doolittle :lol:

[TressieThales]

What's with the image at the bottom of her post? "I want to be AN help meet"? Man, that SOTDRT sure is something.

ETA: It's the title of the whole series she's doing, too! Aaaaargh!

I read "today we set our sites" and cringed.

[Spider Burps]

It is used where the "h" is silent or weakly-pronounced, eg an hour, an hotel. An helpmeet is just daft (unless using a dialect where it is pronounced 'elpmeet', because the "h" is usually very strongly pronounced. Pretentious buggers!

"An hour" didn't even occur to me. I think everyone says that, right?

Speaking of "h's", my favorite thing ever is when people say, like, "uumid" instead of "humid" (again, my grandmother and older friends).

[Defrauding Errday]

Gross. :angry-cussingblack: He treats her like a child. If I was married I would expect my husband to treat me like an adult.

[bellicosebroad]

Thank goodness I am a modern woman and never bought into this bunk (shades of which exist in some small uber-Christian sects ;) of my family).

[salsa]

Gross. :angry-cussingblack: He treats her like a child. If I was married I would expect my husband to treat me like an adult.

Maybe administering some of that Christian Domestic Abu--- er --- Discipline.

This whole thing makes me want to puke.

)

[debrand]

I handled the above situation with my husband very simply, no arguing or fighting involved.

I simply told him that if he didn't like how I did the dishes, he was welcome to do all of them, his way, for the rest of our marriage.

We bought a dishwasher. For the things that can't be washed in the dishwasher, if I do them, they are done my way, if he does them, then they are done his way.

No need to escalate into a huge fight over it...

This is what we've done in our house. If you don't like how I keep house, cook, care for the kids etc. then you can do it yourself.

Command man is another term for manipulative bastard who may or may not be physically abusive but is probably emotionally stunted as a human being. Debbi Pearl says that her husband is a comand man

{

Ashley} For me, the key was learning to “shut-up and follow!†I had to learn to quit questioning, quit doubting and just let him lead.

She is basically advocating women to stop thinking and to become little more then pets to their husbands. Pets that the men can have sex with but that is the only difference.

This is from the comments

My hubby is definitely a Command Man and I dearly love him. We had many struggles early on, but once I learned to give him the control he desired and needed, things have been so different. No, I am not a doormat, but by letting him lead so strongly it has taken so much pressure off of me!

Yes, you are a doormat.

[Cannelle]

"An hour" didn't even occur to me. I think everyone says that, right?

Speaking of "h's", my favorite thing ever is when people say, like, "uumid" instead of "humid" (again, my grandmother and older friends).

The one that always drives me nuts is when someone says, for example, 'an historic event.' WHAT? You pronounce the H. Why would you need 'an' in front of it? No one says (at least I hope they don't!), "I'm taking an history class." WHY?!!?!?!?????????????

edited so that I could unriffle things

[Guest Anonymous]

The one that always drives me nuts is when someone says, for example, 'an historic event.' WHAT? You pronounce the H. Why would you need 'an' in front of it? No one says (at least I hope they don't!), "I'm taking an history class." WHY?!!?!?!?????????????

edited so that I could unriffle things

It's just convention (where I live). Much of the English language makes no sense if you think about it too much. I have always heard and said 'an historic'. And never thought about why it's not "an history"... Maybe because the 'his' in hiSTOric is not stressed, so the sound is weaker than in 'HIStory'? :lol:

[anniebgood]

snip

This is what we've done in our house. If you don't like how I keep house, cook, care for the kids etc. then you can do it yourself.

snip

.

That's what I told my husband years ago. He cycles due to his bi-polar disease (medicated thank god but there are some times it peeks up) and then he goes on a rampage of cleaning. True, my kitchen needs some help now and again but he gets down the the nitty gritty. I leave the house and when I come back my kitchen and my tile floors are sparkling.

The only time he doesn't challenge me is in cooking. His concoctions are so awful that even the dog trots out of the room.

[ladypuglover]

When my husband first met me at the end of my very abusive first marriage, I was a spineless door mat that looked for people to abuse me even more. He wanted me to find out that that wasn't what God wanted for me or anyone else. He did rescue me from myself but more by ah-ha moments than riding up on a white horse and act the gallent knight.

Now I couldn't find love or even friendship in this type of person. If for some freak reason I wound up married to such a man I would have carved him up with a rusted ice pick before before I ever would allow myself to turn back into an abused person.

When you are raise in an abusive family like I was with my father (back in the day when divorcing condemed women to poverty and a life of hell) you expect that all men will and should abuse you. You don't think about it being wrong or that you deserve any better because that is all you know. If you had never tasted honey, how would you know it was sweet? If all you ever had was sour milk, would you crave fresh milk? No, and that is why these women don't mind that they are being abused because they were raised by abusers, everyone they personally know abuses and they themselves allow it for the next generation because that is just the way life is. There is no "honey" or joy or love or safety or comfort in their lives because it is an abuse that is repeated and encouraged to be repeated generation after generation. Until someone comes to them face to face and gives them a taste of honey then they will never know it's sticky sweetness. You can tell them tell the cows come home( between 4-5 depending on the farmer) that honey is yummy and healthy for them but unless the see, taste and touch they will never understand.

I was sort of lucky because I saw that my dad's parents had the right kind of marriage where both partners were equal and respected and loved. I was lucky because one of the millions of good men out there saw me and wanted me to have a b etter life as I was leaving my abusive ex husband.

Now if my husband doesn't like something I'm doing he does it himself. That is why I don't have to cook much as he doesn't bloddy food, don't have to wash dishes as he didn't like my way either. I don't have to fold cothes because he doesn't like the way I have pain from it. He doesn't like me mowing the law or edgeing because blood in the yard disterbs him. And so forth.

[BelieveinScience]

When my husband first met me at the end of my very abusive first marriage, I was a spineless door mat that looked for people to abuse me even more. He wanted me to find out that that wasn't what God wanted for me or anyone else. He did rescue me from myself but more by ah-ha moments than riding up on a white horse and act the gallent knight.

Now I couldn't find love or even friendship in this type of person. If for some freak reason I wound up married to such a man I would have carved him up with a rusted ice pick before before I ever would allow myself to turn back into an abused person.

When you are raise in an abusive family like I was with my father (back in the day when divorcing condemed women to poverty and a life of hell) you expect that all men will and should abuse you. You don't think about it being wrong or that you deserve any better because that is all you know. If you had never tasted honey, how would you know it was sweet? If all you ever had was sour milk, would you crave fresh milk? No, and that is why these women don't mind that they are being abused because they were raised by abusers, everyone they personally know abuses and they themselves allow it for the next generation because that is just the way life is. There is no "honey" or joy or love or safety or comfort in their lives because it is an abuse that is repeated and encouraged to be repeated generation after generation. Until someone comes to them face to face and gives them a taste of honey then they will never know it's sticky sweetness. You can tell them tell the cows come home( between 4-5 depending on the farmer) that honey is yummy and healthy for them but unless the see, taste and touch they will never understand.

I was sort of lucky because I saw that my dad's parents had the right kind of marriage where both partners were equal and respected and loved. I was lucky because one of the millions of good men out there saw me and wanted me to have a b etter life as I was leaving my abusive ex husband.

Now if my husband doesn't like something I'm doing he does it himself. That is why I don't have to cook much as he doesn't bloddy food, don't have to wash dishes as he didn't like my way either. I don't have to fold cothes because he doesn't like the way I have pain from it. He doesn't like me mowing the law or edgeing because blood in the yard disterbs him. And so forth.

I'm glad you got out of your abusive relationship and met someone like your hubs. That's something everyone deserves.

[debrand]

First, I hate the word help meet. I just had to get that off my chest.

There is another thread on this forum dealing with marriage to a command man. I decided to start a new thread because I did't want to derail the other thread.

Kristy} Think back to when you first became a bride. What was “key†in your learning to compliment and support your Mr. Visionary?

{Jacinda} I really had to learn to trust his judgement, truly submit to his decisions, and put his interests ahead of my own, remembering that this is God’s recipe for a good marriage.

{Kristy} What were a few of your struggles?

{Jacinda} Brad’s visions of selling our small house and moving somewhere smaller (while our family was still growing!) so we could live debt-free, quiting a steady job to start a home-based business that involved our children, and trading in our nice car for a one we could pay for in cash had me antsy and uptight at first.

What the hell? The husband quite his job for one that involved using the children in some way and she believes that she is supposed to go along with his decision. I don't understand why these women do not believe that their children or their own selves aren't as important as their husbands.

{Jacinda} Yes, wives of Visionary men sometime need to CHOOSE joy because, as I said earlier, occasionally there will be decisions made that will make you feel anything but celebratory! Learn to ignore your gut reaction, tuck in your quivering lip, and choose to be a vibrant, joyful help-meet to a man who will ensure your life together will be full of adventures and no dull moments!

The quivering, pouting lip sounds like a description of a little girl. Apparently, she doesn't view herself as an adult.

Ilittlenaturalcottage.com/2012/03/being-an-helpmeet-to-the-visionary-man/

[fluttershies]

This bothers me too, and especially because their interpretation of 'helpmeet' is nothing like the way Eve is described in Genesis. The phrase that gets translated as 'helpmeet' is ezer kenegdo, meaning sustainer. The only other person to be described as an ezer in the Bible is God Himself. That really doesn't fit in with the idea that the wife is just supposed to shut up and go along with whatever the husband decides.

[debrand]

This bothers me too, and especially because their interpretation of 'helpmeet' is nothing like the way Eve is described in Genesis. The phrase that gets translated as 'helpmeet' is ezer kenegdo, meaning sustainer. The only other person to be described as an ezer in the Bible is God Himself. That really doesn't fit in with the idea that the wife is just supposed to shut up and go along with whatever the husband decides.

There were a lot of strong women in the Old Testament. It amazes me that fundies can explain away examples like Ruth or Deborah. Was Jael the woman who drove a nail through an enemy's head?

[fluttershies]

There were a lot of strong women in the Old Testament. It amazes me that fundies can explain away examples like Ruth or Deborah. Was Jael the woman who drove a nail through an enemy's head?

Yes she was! Also Esther was extremely proactive in deciding her own destiny.

[Feralnostalgia]

Was Jael the woman who drove a nail through an enemy's head?

I think it was a tent peg, but yeah. One of my favorite motifs in art is Judith with the head of Holofernes, though she's in the apocrypha so fundies generally haven't heard of her.