"Why I won't go to college or move out when I'm single"

[sacrilicious]

I personally love the girl saying she doesn't sit around and do nothing. She cooks meals and does laundry and cleans the house. Yeah, me too while working two jobs and being a full time college student. My house isn't perfect and neat when I have classes because I'm so busy, but it's not filthy either. I would be bored out of my mind without a job or college and taking care of my parents' home.

I was wondering this exact same thing. I lived at home while in college and grad school to save money, but I also worked part time and helped around the house, sewed, had other hobbies, and a social life. I don't get the elevation of household chores by the SAHD's. Unless you're busy emulating Martha Stewart every day, what else is there to do? How do you fill your day? Must be nice... :lol: I thought Meredith created some nice stuff and tried a few of her own businesses and I think her willingness to work and get out there will help her out, but I don't seem to see that in the blogs of most of these other women.

[Jezebel]

"I worry sometimes that I'll become like these SAHDs. :?"

I don't think you will. I just got a job in my parents' hometown and am moving in with them for a few months while figuring out a new long term living arrangement. I think that as long as you have open communication with your parents and talk to them about how you are an adult and cannot be treated like a teen while living at home it will be ok. I had a talk with my family and we both set some ground rules for how it would be while I was living at home. Maybe such a conversation would help?

I agree.

I recommend sitting down with your parents and coming up with a "contract" that explicitly states each party's rights and responsibilities. You don't have to go into crazy levels of detail, but reaching an agreement about what chores are expected of you, what financial contributions you'll make, and setting "curfew" terms can really help, since these are the issues that cause the most conflict. It's the same kind of agreement I used to negotiate with prospective housemates, and it saved me a lot of drama because we talked out the shared-living issues that were important to us rather than relying on (frequently false) assumptions. And parents? Even the best of them still have a lot of false assumptions about their adult kids, and what life with them will be like.

[mnb357]

Oh, how this makes me love, Love, LOVE my parents that much more. When I graduated from college, my friends thought my aparents were evil. Why? Because I was given three months' respite, at which point I had to move, or come to some terms agreement about living in THEIR house. I actively started looking for job that would help me start a career. It took about 2 weeks longer than their 3 month limit, because I had to take a bus 3 hours away from our podunk town to the nearest city to look....I didn't have a car, and no way my parents were going to co-sign a loan for someone who was unemployed! I finally found a job, and moved out with $35 in my pocket, and a couch to sleep on for a month until my first paycheck which would cover move in costs on my own apartment. My parents' contribution: A decent mattress and box spring, and battery backed up digital alarm clock to help furnish crappy third floor walk up apartment. (Their subtle way of telling me to be sure to go to bed at a decent hour, and get up in time for work, because I was on my own now.) That was without a doubt the most thrilling time of my life. I hasten to point out I was the 5th kid of 6, (second girl.) We were all treated this way, if anything, we girls more so. Of course, these are also the same parents who said "Good for you!" when I told them I was going to stop working to be a SAHM after my first child was born. I fully intend to give my kids the same launching my parents gave me. Sure, as a 22 year-old, I was a bit frightened, but as a parent, I see how much more frigthening it had to be for them to give me those wings. Man, I miss them.

[JenniferJuniper]

[Knight of Ni]

I know I mentioned this on another string but a SAHD can have advanced education too.

I know two sisters, one who is 33 (Let's call her "D") and "E" who is 37.

"D" has a masters in Accounting and a CPA. She got her undergrad living in a dorm a few hours from home. But went home directly after that, got her Masters locally and has stayed home every since. She has ZERO coping skills and her father treats her like a very very dumb child. She's been through quite a few different jobs in accounting most likely because she never learned to interact with her peers very well and can't cope with new situations or adjusting. I assume that she's fine at classroom learning, but the real world is a mystery to her. Daddy only started letting her drive herself to places other than work when she was 30. He bought a new car and she got his old Cadillac. She is still unable to go to a gas station and fill up the tank, and sometimes he still drops her off someplace and waits like some creepy chauffeur in the parking lot. E has a LIS masters but is so socially stunted that she will never find employment, D might have issues but she's in a better situation.

Here's the thing, all the money they earn is 'invested' by Daddy. They are on restrictive allowances. I've known both for nearly 8 years and in that time haven't seen their clothing change, I could literally list every item they both own with less trouble than listing my own clothing. Even when D dared to buy some stuff at Filene's on clearance it was immediately returned. Its nuts. She's been convinced that she's "saving". I'm not sure for what, but when you're in your 30s and are wearing the jeans and shorts from your high school years there's something wrong (and it's obvious she was about 3 inches shorter in high school than she is now).

Its heartbreaking. Most of her former friends have given up on her. Basically just one other woman and I even contact her and try to drag her out of the house. Its so hard. Usually she's 'busy' which means watching reruns of the Bachelorette with her Mom or cleaning her room. And when we do get her and E out its tough because they don't have money for a meal or for coffee (and won't let us pay for them).

The really sad part of it all is that they used to both think that some prince would come and marry them and their lives would become perfect. I'm not sure which is sadder, the time when they had that fantasy or the obvious realizations they are coming to right now that they will never meet anyone. The tragic part is that D could support both of them with the job she's in. It doesn't require much growth on her part and she's probably making 35 to 40k. But, she has nothing saved up because her father takes all her earnings. I really really really hope he is investing the money and its in her name, but I have my doubts.

Its so very frustrating to see human lives wasted like this. Watching reruns of reality shows with their parents instead of pursuing a social life, never leaving the house or doing anything very exciting or having real friends. In a way the fundie SAHD are in a better place, a lot of them seem to at least have creative hobbies like music or crafts, or blog writing. Not that they are in a good place either.

Argh, I wish there was something like "Adult protective services" where you could report adults who have been emotionally imprisoned by their families.

I don't know about anyone else but i would consider this abuse.

[mockingbird]

My parents were totally fine with me going to school halfway across the country and even studying abroad. But once the possibility came up that I might go to med school near my hometown it was like they saw this golden opportunity for me to live at home again. LOL no. I am on "hold" there and if I were to get in and choose to go (it's my top choice, but very expensive) I'm taking out the extra loan money for my own place to save my sanity. I love my parents and we get along well but we'd have to make a lot of changes to make it work. My parents aren't really controlling, but they can sometimes be overprotective in person. My mom has this weird fear about me driving, that she doesn't have about my brother, and it would probably take me a week of arguing to convince her I could drive the twenty minutes downtown to school even though I currently live in and drive in a city! I also wouldn't want to feel like I had responsibility for my siblings. I'm never really expected to do much, but I know I'd be recruited to be a chauffeur or homework tutor and while I'm happy to help out when I'm home on break, for a permanent situation I'd rather have the freedom to keep my own schedule. Plus, I'm an introvert, and it helps me to be more in the center of social situations (so I can force myself to interact) and I feel like living with my parents could reinforce my hermit habits, so I'd rather live with or close to the other students. But yeah, my parents are kind-of weird. It's like they could care less when I am not right in front of them but the minute I am they freak out about everything. I had some mix-ups during my trip to Paris and I don't even speak French, but when I told my parents (afterwards) they didn't bat an eye. (I didn't tell them while it was going on because I knew they couldn't help me and honestly would probably just be like "you can deal with it, this call is expensive" - lol.) Maybe it's the abstract vs. concrete reality thing.

The last time I was home my parents and I were constantly arguing about Santorum so that's another thing. LOL Maybe after the election ;)

[YPestis]

Not all adult children who live at home are moochers. In a true multi-generation household of times of yore, all adults were expected to contribute to the household upkeep. Adult children who are bumming around, not paying rent and not trying to get a job or go to school are moochers. They constitute one type of "boomerang" children. Other adult live at home children contribute by paying rent, doing chores. Heck, some find they ENJOY living at home because they get to be close to their families. Whatever works.

The fundie SAHD are different in that they are forever stunted by their parents, not because they live at home but because they make no effort to be contributing members of society. Adult children with no familial obligation other than light chores should be out and working, generating an income, socializing with their circle of friends etc. In other words, having a life. Some of the working adult boomerang kids may be living at home as well, but they also have friends, co-workers and an income, they can also go off and do their own thing. AND they contribute to the rent and/or chores at home. I see nothing wrong with living at home. It's adult children who want to stay as stunted children that I find troubling. If you are able bodied, and unless you have children or elderly to take care of, you should have a job. You should make a life outside of your parents' circle of friends. Being independent is about making choices independent of your parents. How can these SAHD be competent mothers capable of raising "men" if they spend big chunks of their lives huddled in the kitchen waiting for dad to make all the decisions?

[lilwriter85]

Not all adult children who live at home are moochers. In a true multi-generation household of times of yore, all adults were expected to contribute to the household upkeep. Adult children who are bumming around, not paying rent and not trying to get a job or go to school are moochers. They constitute one type of "boomerang" children. Other adult live at home children contribute by paying rent, doing chores. Heck, some find they ENJOY living at home because they get to be close to their families. Whatever works.

The fundie SAHD are different in that they are forever stunted by their parents, not because they live at home but because they make no effort to be contributing members of society. Adult children with no familial obligation other than light chores should be out and working, generating an income, socializing with their circle of friends etc. In other words, having a life. Some of the working adult boomerang kids may be living at home as well, but they also have friends, co-workers and an income, they can also go off and do their own thing. AND they contribute to the rent and/or chores at home. I see nothing wrong with living at home. It's adult children who want to stay as stunted children that I find troubling. If you are able bodied, and unless you have children or elderly to take care of, you should have a job. You should make a life outside of your parents' circle of friends. Being independent is about making choices independent of your parents. How can these SAHD be competent mothers capable of raising "men" if they spend big chunks of their lives huddled in the kitchen waiting for dad to make all the decisions?

I agree not all adult children living at home are moochers. I have a few relatives living at home while going to college. They work in addition to going to school. They do help out at home by doing chores and buying groceries and helping with the utilities. I know a few people who moved back with the their parents after certain life changes. One example is a friend of mine who got divorced and was a bit depressed for awhile. Her parents have an open door policy for all their kids and she has said moving back and living with her parents was a good thing for her. She did work when she moved back with her parents and she would go out with friends.

I have also noticed that fundie SAHDs often don't have lives outside of their parents' connections. Fundie SAHDsare mostly friends with other SAHDs and I agree they don't make a lot of their own choices. I have heard of 20 something fundie SAHDs who never go anywhere on their own.

[Kitty]

If I was spending my time doing nothing but cleaning, cooking, blogging, and fucking around on Pinterest all day, I'd kill myself just for something interesting to do. Or run away and get a job and an apartment. But that's just me, and my parents refuse to move out of Hometown for some reason. I don't doubt I'd be very lonely, with only them and my sister for company. Actually, I've been there, and it sucks being in a town you've lived in for most of your life and not knowing anyone other than the people you live with.

I feel so bad for SAHDs :(

[mockingbird]

I agree not all adult children living at home are moochers. I have a few relatives living at home while going to college. They work in addition to going to school. They do help out at home by doing chores and buying groceries and helping with the utilities. I know a few people who moved back with the their parents after certain life changes. One example is a friend of mine who got divorced and was a bit depressed for awhile. Her parents have an open door policy for all their kids and she has said moving back and living with her parents was a good thing for her. She did work when she moved back with her parents and she would go out with friends.

I have also noticed that fundie SAHDs often don't have lives outside of their parents' connections. Fundie SAHDsare mostly friends with other SAHDs and I agree they don't make a lot of their own choices. I have heard of 20 something fundie SAHDs who never go anywhere on their own.

Oh yeah, totally agree with this. I know plenty of people living at home for grad school (even if they didn't live at home during college) and people living at home with a job because it's cheaper and they want to be close to their family while they save up enough to eventually move out. It's not for me, but if that's what you want to do, that's great. I don't think my parents would have a problem with me moving back with them if I hit a hard spot, I probably just wouldn't choose to live with them if I had another good option.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Not all adult children who live at home are moochers. In a true multi-generation household of times of yore, all adults were expected to contribute to the household upkeep. Adult children who are bumming around, not paying rent and not trying to get a job or go to school are moochers. They constitute one type of "boomerang" children. Other adult live at home children contribute by paying rent, doing chores. Heck, some find they ENJOY living at home because they get to be close to their families. Whatever works.

The fundie SAHD are different in that they are forever stunted by their parents, not because they live at home but because they make no effort to be contributing members of society. Adult children with no familial obligation other than light chores should be out and working, generating an income, socializing with their circle of friends etc. In other words, having a life. Some of the working adult boomerang kids may be living at home as well, but they also have friends, co-workers and an income, they can also go off and do their own thing. AND they contribute to the rent and/or chores at home. I see nothing wrong with living at home. It's adult children who want to stay as stunted children that I find troubling. If you are able bodied, and unless you have children or elderly to take care of, you should have a job. You should make a life outside of your parents' circle of friends. Being independent is about making choices independent of your parents. How can these SAHD be competent mothers capable of raising "men" if they spend big chunks of their lives huddled in the kitchen waiting for dad to make all the decisions?

VERY much this.

There are places where kids (or at least one of the kids) staying "home" to inherit the house is 100% normal. They marry and bring the wife into the household to live there too, making a new generation with their kids. But the important thing is that those "living at home kids" become fully functional adult partners in running the house, once they're of job age. They become legal adults, and they're adults in the house too. Yeah, elders are always elders, but it is a matter among all ADULTS, sharing decisions, pooling the money, all the rest. Not "mooching off parent's house." At some point the younger generation becomes the more active ones too as the parent generation "retires." If anything it's anti-mooching, being willing to take that on (particularly if there's a home business of any sort involved, but even if not, that "kid" is out working a job and fully owning into the house).

The SAHD situation is creepy to me because they don't let the kid generation be adults in the house, EVER EVER EVER. They can't decide their own schedules, come in an out when they want, have their own social circles, decide the future of anything. Their parents still censor their READING, for heaven's sake! I can't imagine such a life at all - even when I WAS an actual kid my parents didn't do that. I was an individual with my own friends.

Again, this SAHD thing is a new culture, too - so many of those patriarchs (and the moms too) struck it out on their own when THEY were young.

[Wolfie]

Oh, how this makes me love, Love, LOVE my parents that much more. When I graduated from college, my friends thought my aparents were evil. Why? Because I was given three months' respite, at which point I had to move, or come to some terms agreement about living in THEIR house.

My parents had the same agreement (though, I was allowed to take all the furniture out of my bedroom that wasn't built in. Over the years they've helped me out a lot- but that is only after I've shown to be able to work and support myself. Same for my siblings.

[Maul the Koala]

She's onto us! From her latest Facebook post

"when I am ridiculed for my convictions, I remind myself that I'm aiming to please God, not people"

:roll:

Her 'surrogate head' fan always puts in his two cents. Sexist jerk.

[Kishiria]

"Why I won't go to college or move out when I'm single"

Because you're fucking lazy?

[Jezebel]

She's onto us! From her latest Facebook post

"when I am ridiculed for my convictions, I remind myself that I'm aiming to please God, not people"

:roll:

Her 'surrogate head' fan always puts in his two cents. Sexist jerk.

The unfortunate thing is that, by and large, she hasn't been ridiculed here. Sure, we've been discussing how ill-advised, naive, and potentially harmful her choice to be a SAHD is. I think it's a lousy decision based on fear and ignorance, and I won't stint in calling it as I see it. But personally, I do feel bad for her because if she really wants to meet a wonderful Christian guy, get married, and have babies, she's effectively cut herself off from countless opportunities to meet that guy. I mean, what's he supposed to do? Drop out of the sky? And while she dreams of being a writer, she could definitely benefit from furthering her education--she's more competent than most, but she's got an awful lot to learn before she'll actually be good.

She's 20 years old--legally, she's an adult, a woman. But she's determined to remain a dependent, obedient child. What is she going to do when things don't work out as she's planned? Her plans for a career in medical transcription didn't work out; if God couldn't get her an online MT job so she could earn a good income at home, how's he supposed to bring a husband to her?

There's faith, and there's magical thinking. It can be difficult to tell them apart, sometimes, but this? This is definitely the latter. And it's going to be wrenchingly hard when she is finally, someday, ends up forced to become an adult and take the reins of her own life. So no, I can't ridicule her.

[VintageJen1984]

What happens when your headship insists you leave the nest? Wouldn't you have to do that to be obedient?

I do wonder if there is some sort of CPS for grown children. It can't be healthy to live a life like Sarah Maxwell or Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin. Especially when your grown brothers go off and get married and live adult lives.

[Jezebel]

"Why I won't go to college or move out when I'm single"

Because you're fucking lazy?

Fucking terrified is more like it.

She is getting out and doing "safe" things, such as teaching piano lessons. If she was lazy, she wouldn't bother. But going beyond the safe confines of her family and immediate community? Forget it. This is a girl who is terrified of freedom. She honestly needs someone to tell her what to do and how to live her life. She doesn't trust herself--or her faith--enough to go out on her own, lest she be tainted by "worldly" influences.

In an earlier post, she discussed the idea that not only should spouses not be "unequally yoked," but neither should friends. To have friends who aren't believers would lead a Christian to temptation--best not to risk that.

For all her goody-goody, ultra-Christian, SAHD writings, I get the sense that she's got a lot of doubts, and a lot of desires she considers sinful, lurking beneath the surface. She's so afraid of falling, and failing at being the right kind of Christian--that doesn't strike me as someone who is secure in their beliefs. And yet, I'm not sure she has the conceptual toolkit needed to address those doubts and insecurities--her indoctrination doesn't seem to allow it.

I feel kind of bad for her, frankly. She's obnoxious and smug, but there's a lot of anxiety and disappointment behind that. She's stunted and doesn't know it--and that's downright tragic, IMO.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

What happens when your headship insists you leave the nest? Wouldn't you have to do that to be obedient?

I do wonder if there is some sort of CPS for grown children. It can't be healthy to live a life like Sarah Maxwell or Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin. Especially when your grown brothers go off and get married and live adult lives.

Not quite related to this topic but if you read around the various Titus2 oriented sites, you can find posts and angst from women who really want to do this whole Little House thing and be SAHMs and homeschool, but their headships have said no, I want you to work for a second income and in the meantime junior can go to to kindergarten.

It's rather surreal.

But of course, it's the age-old fantasy of how great a dictatorship or monarchy would be, if only we could in advance pick the perfect king and only THEN be completely ruled, with no responsibility...

[lilwriter85]

What happens when your headship insists you leave the nest? Wouldn't you have to do that to be obedient?

I do wonder if there is some sort of CPS for grown children. It can't be healthy to live a life like Sarah Maxwell or Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin. Especially when your grown brothers go off and get married and live adult lives.

There are adult protective services agencies out there but their focus is on helping the elderly and people over 18 with mental or physical disabilities.

[Maul the Koala]

The martyr complex is strong in this one. She's totally found us. HI BROOKE!

"Ever since my blog post, I've been getting a lot of feedback, some of it very negative. (People don't like it when you go against the status quo.)

Tonight my father and I were having dinner. As he led us in a prayer I thought, "This right here, this moment is what those people want me to give up. This is what they say is so horrible for me. This moment is what they accuse me of being naive about."

I just don't think that the critics know what is best for me. I think God knows what is best for me. I think my parents know what is best for me. I think through prayer and advice from my parents, I can know what's best for me. And right now, what's best for me is to submit to my father's headship. :) ~Brooke"

*headdesk* I think you've nailed it Jezebel. She doth protests too much. I think if she was fully secure in her beliefs she wouldn't be putting forth this martyr complex. She really wants to believe and wants everyone to know she believes, but there is a lot underneath the surface there.

Edit: The comments on that post are gold

"So impressive. Your heart is AMAZING! I wish I could give you one HUGE hug irl! Keep it up. I cant imagine how proud your father and your Father in heaven are of you. What more could you ask for?"

"I think it would be wrong for a wife to be the head of the house over her husband. Ephesians 5:24 and 1 Timothy 2:12.

~Paul"

"Taylor, Genesis 2:18 says that a wife is made as a help 'meet' or 'suitable' for him.

Basically that means that the wife compliments the husbands strengths.

But for the wife to be 'head' is completely biblically wrong.

Look at Ephesians 5:22 onwards and also Collosians 3:18.

Some men may seem to be bad at leading but with the right encouragement, and training they can be great leaders."

"But yes, the Husband should not be in charge but yes most definitely he should be the leader.

It is what boys are born to grow into"

"taylor, that just not biblical. People may put down what the Bible says, but when it was followed, divorce rate was practically unheard of. There's a reason for that. The inventor of any thing knows best how to use it and what it's for"

I'm sorry, this page is just a goldmine.

[Red]

I think I understand some of what drives the SAHD mindset. Growing up and becoming independent, leaving the place where you've spent a good chunk of your life - that can be an incredibly scary thing. Thus the appeal of SAHDhood for young women who might be a little timid, or lacking in self-esteem. Add to that enabling parents, and/or parents who've drilled the idea into their daughters' heads since they were small, and it's really not that difficult to see how some might fall into this lifestyle.

ETA: I'm not defending SAHDhood of course, just offering up an explanation as to why some might find it appealing.

It's a form of Stockholm Syndrome, most likely with no memories before captivity. In the '80s, I was a SAHD to my mother who lied to me about most everything. My family refused to help me out of there. They gaslighted the hell out of me, so I absolutely developed Stockholm Syndrome.