"Why I won't go to college or move out when I'm single"

[Maul the Koala]

From the people who started the Saving Your First Kiss For Marriage Facebook page comes this.

trueloveskissblog.blogspot.ca/2012/03/why-i-wont-go-to-college.html

"Look, I do so many other things!!!!1111!!! My father protects me!!!1111!!"

I would pity her if she wasn't so smug about it. Also why start a post about how you won't go to college but say you don't want to discuss the reasons?

[CanadianHippie]

Basically "Yay! I'm property! Good for me!"

[Maul the Koala]

From the Facebook page

"Thanks for posting this Brooke. Headship is an interesting topic for discussion. I think it would be hard for a girl to be effectively under the headship of her father living in another town several hundred miles away. I don't know if I could say it's wrong, but I think it would be less than ideal for a girl move out if her father was providing sound headship. If the girl could move in with another family where the father could stand in as a "surrogate head" that might be a lot better"

[Defrauding Errday]

There is something sad about an adult that refuses to be independent.

[kb2]

She writes so well, why would she need further education to continue her hobby?

/sarcasm

[Koala]

I feel it is very important to stay under the leadership of my father until he gives me away to my husband.

I would someday like to get married and raise children of my own.

I'm sorry, is this the same person? She needs her father to tell her what to do until he GIVES her to someone else to tell her what to do? And yet she thinks she's capable of mothering children? :angry-cussingblack:

News flash: You give old clothes away, you don't give people away. :evil: :evil: :evil:

[JenniferJuniper]

Just poking around some of her comments, she sounds a little frustrated and is trying to convince herself that it's God who wants her to hang around cooking and cleaning for her parents until a Daddy-approved Prince Charming is delivered to her. Via UPS, perhaps?

I want to feel sorry for these young women, I really do, but I can't relate at any level to their infantile thinking. Brainwashed or not, adolescence and young adulthood is the time to start questioning everything you accepted unquestioningly as a child. The lyrics of the old Bruce Springsteen song "Growin' Up" have always symbolized for me the way nature means it to be:

"I strolled all alone through a fallout zone and came out with my soul untouched

I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd but when they said "Sit down," I stood up.

Ooh... growin' up"

[Third]

I worry about girls like this. She will be this adult child - what happens if her parents die? She'll be in her 20s with no job, no work history, questionable education, no post secondary education - besides it seeming like she's emotionally stunted.

I hope only the best for her [as someone I don't know and am not invested in] but I worry about it.

How will she find this husband if she doesn't go to school or work etc? I doubt she's bar hopping.

[Jezebel]

Lord willing, I would someday like to get married and raise children of my own. I am waiting on Him to provide that for me in His timing.

Well, if the SAHD blogs we follow here are any indication, you'll be waiting a very long time, if not forever. It seems that God's never in a rush to see the "stay at home, serve, and wait" crowd married off. Just ask the Botkin girls, or Sarah Maxwell, or Jana Duggar...

ETA (after further backreading):

Wow--she's the one who started the Saving Your First Kiss for Marriage group on Facebook? LOL. And of course she's been "persecuted."

She got a diploma from an online medical transcription school, then tried, to no avail, to find a home-based transcription job. Poor kid--yes, that used to be a recession-proof job, but not any more. Outsourcing and voice recognition software have really reduced the number of entry-level jobs available, something the (doubtless for-profit) school she attended probably didn't bother to tell her. And finding a home-based job at it, straight out of school, with no prior experience? Yeah. Poor kid.

[Maul the Koala]

I think she and the (in)famous Paul are siblings and Mrs. T is their mom (on the Facebook page). I'd like to ask Mrs. T how it feels to have an indentured servant but that would get me banned.

That girl is never getting her first kiss, let alone leave home.

[Maude]

I want to feel sorry for these young women, I really do, but I can't relate at any level to their infantile thinking. Brainwashed or not, adolescence and young adulthood is the time to start questioning everything you accepted unquestioningly as a child.

I think I understand some of what drives the SAHD mindset. Growing up and becoming independent, leaving the place where you've spent a good chunk of your life - that can be an incredibly scary thing. Thus the appeal of SAHDhood for young women who might be a little timid, or lacking in self-esteem. Add to that enabling parents, and/or parents who've drilled the idea into their daughters' heads since they were small, and it's really not that difficult to see how some might fall into this lifestyle.

ETA: I'm not defending SAHDhood of course, just offering up an explanation as to why some might find it appealing.

[YPestis]

I often wonder how much of this is brainwashing and how much is an excuse for girls who are raised to fear the world. Some people just don't want to do anything that requires leaving their 'safety zone'. It's scary to go off to college. It's scary to move to another city. It's scary to work. Most people treat these things as an exciting rite of passage. Some people are reluctant to leave the comfort of their homes. In a fundie household, it's easy for them to use the SAHD thing as an excuse to stay put. And of course, if you are raised to fear the world, you won't be leaving home anytime soon either!

[Maul the Koala]

I often wonder how much of this is brainwashing and how much is an excuse for girls who are raised to fear the world. Some people just don't want to do anything that requires leaving their 'safety zone'. It's scary to go off to college. It's scary to move to another city. It's scary to work. Most people treat these things as an exciting rite of passage. Some people are reluctant to leave the comfort of their homes. In a fundie household, it's easy for them to use the SAHD thing as an excuse to stay put. And of course, if you are raised to fear the world, you won't be leaving home anytime soon either!

I think you're onto something. My parents weren't/aren't patriarchal in most senses but they really want(ed) me to be a stay at home daughter. I was brought up that the world outside is scary and why would you leave home? Even now as I'm preparing to move out for good, my mom is still harping about how the outside world is going to chew me up and spit me out. Every other lecture is about how people are going to hate me. I won't lie that when I first went off on my own for a study abroad program I was terrified. I couldn't leave the building I was living in alone for the first few weeks. It's terrifying if you've grown up in that mindset. Being the stay at home daughter was definitely a comfort thing to my parents. I'm not a good housekeeper so that really isn't the reason. They are scared to death about their children Growing Up and Doing Adult Things. This goes for both sexes, not just the daughters though.

Now let's not get into the fear of men that was instilled in me either!

[Childless]

I guess I just don't understand the mindset. I was thrilled when it was time for me to go off to college. I enjoyed my college years and made good friends while I was there. Friends who are still some of my best friends. I got a job after graduating that paid enough to allow me to travel around the world. I would not give up those experiences for anything. They changed me as a person (and only for the better). I became a more compassionate person. I became a more intellectually curious person. I became a more open minded person. I think those experiences have made me a better parent and a better spouse. I love being independent. I love thinking for myself and deciding the path of my own life. I would never hand over control of my life to someone else. I'm a person, not a pet.

Of course if you're afraid of life and have low self-esteem, then I can see where being a stay at home daughter might seem like a good idea. I just can't imagine anyone being so afraid of life that they hole up in their parents' home and never go out and enjoy their lives. What a sad existence.

[Shirley MacLaine]

I think you're onto something. My parents weren't/aren't patriarchal in most senses but they really want(ed) me to be a stay at home daughter. I was brought up that the world outside is scary and why would you leave home? Even now as I'm preparing to move out for good, my mom is still harping about how the outside world is going to chew me up and spit me out. Every other lecture is about how people are going to hate me. I won't lie that when I first went off on my own for a study abroad program I was terrified. I couldn't leave the building I was living in alone for the first few weeks. It's terrifying if you've grown up in that mindset. Being the stay at home daughter was definitely a comfort thing to my parents. I'm not a good housekeeper so that really isn't the reason. They are scared to death about their children Growing Up and Doing Adult Things. This goes for both sexes, not just the daughters though.

Now let's not get into the fear of men that was instilled in me either!

Whoa, that sounds so intense and stifling. Interesting that your parents weren't patriarchal.

[NoQuiverNoCry]

I think I understand some of what drives the SAHD mindset. Growing up and becoming independent, leaving the place where you've spent a good chunk of your life - that can be an incredibly scary thing. Thus the appeal of SAHDhood for young women who might be a little timid, or lacking in self-esteem. Add to that enabling parents, and/or parents who've drilled the idea into their daughters' heads since they were small, and it's really not that difficult to see how some might fall into this lifestyle.

This.

Life changes--even the smaller ones--can be terrifying for anyone. These girls have layers of emotional & social disadvantage, but being raised in fear is huge. They're not only being coached from the cradle (pallet?) that they have zero personal destiny; they're afraid of the entire world. Although I'm horrifed that this girl is so defensive of her pathological situation, I'm (sadly) not surprised. :(

[skrmom]

I think this girl is brainwashed. There is nothing wrong with going to college. No doubt, she was home-schooled and probably under-educated. I would guess just basic math (+, -, x) and reading and writing. As long as she can read a recipe and count her change at the grocery store, that's all the education she needs. Her father tells her what to think now, and her hubbie will in the future. The only thing she'll ever decide is whether to serve peas or green beans.

[nokidsmom]

Whoa, that sounds so intense and stifling. Interesting that your parents weren't patriarchal.

My folks weren't the patriarchal type either but they positively freaked when I made moves to leave home after college. Got a lot of lectures of how it was so much better for me to stay home, I wouldn't have bills to pay, and generally made me feel like the most selfish person in the world and that I was hurting them. I did leave but they got their wish with my two younger sisters, who did the SAHD thing until both left in their 30's when they got married. They both had jobs but they were expected to cook, clean, etc. It was not a happy life for either of them....my youngest sister fell into a serious depression because she felt so stuck and the other sister starting acting out in destructive ways. Both left by getting married, but I always wondered how they managed that because neither openly dated, had boyfriends. It was all of a sudden, they were engaged.

So when I read this young woman's blog, I really wonder what is going on in her head.

[kb2]

She got a diploma from an online medical transcription school, then tried, to no avail, to find a home-based transcription job. Poor kid--yes, that used to be a recession-proof job, but not any more. Outsourcing and voice recognition software have really reduced the number of entry-level jobs available, something the (doubtless for-profit) school she attended probably didn't bother to tell her. And finding a home-based job at it, straight out of school, with no prior experience? Yeah. Poor kid.

I'm sure that that experience didn't help things. I wonder if it'll be used against her at some point, as the time she tried to work as a woman, and be used as evidence that she isn't meant to work or something. "I want to try to get a job," "You already tried that, remember, and it didn't work out, so why do you think it would work this time?"

[lilwriter85]

I worry about girls like this. She will be this adult child - what happens if her parents die? She'll be in her 20s with no job, no work history, questionable education, no post secondary education - besides it seeming like she's emotionally stunted.

I hope only the best for her [as someone I don't know and am not invested in] but I worry about it.

How will she find this husband if she doesn't go to school or work etc? I doubt she's bar hopping.

I also worry about SAHD's like this. A lot of them are emotionally stunted and probably couldn't make it on their own if something happened. There are non-fundie young women who still live at home but some of these young women have jobs or attending college or trade school. I give the Jeubs some credit for letting Cynthia attend an accredited college.

[Lostie]

I always find it interesting how many of the fundie women agrue that college/university extends adolescence and is a way of putting off being an adult in reality, but yet they don't see their own lifestyle as doing the same thing. As a university student I can see the appeal of SAHD because university can be similar in the fact that it's like a world unto itself between teenage-hood/high school and the real world. Only instead of staying at home to avoid reality we consider more schooling (grad school, med school, law school, etc). I know I'm guilty of it - I'm only in year 2/5 towards my undergraduate degree, but I know I'm going to be panicking in year 5 and applying to grad school and law school and hoping like mad to get in because I like school and as much as I hate the debt, I hate the idea of being on my own and failing miserably a whole lot more.

[browngrl]

I often wonder how much of this is brainwashing and how much is an excuse for girls who are raised to fear the world. Some people just don't want to do anything that requires leaving their 'safety zone'. It's scary to go off to college. It's scary to move to another city. It's scary to work. Most people treat these things as an exciting rite of passage. Some people are reluctant to leave the comfort of their homes. In a fundie household, it's easy for them to use the SAHD thing as an excuse to stay put. And of course, if you are raised to fear the world, you won't be leaving home anytime soon either!

True.

An important difference(IMO) for most ordinary people is that all those frightening/exciting experiences are not thrust upon you all at once. For me(and for many others, I suspect) - there was a gradual process where my parents allowed/encouraged increasing amounts of independence. Starting with small things like walking home from school alone to getting a paper route to getting a high school job to going to university and managing independantly and things like birthday parties with boys and girls to group dates to going on dates alone - each step was small and gradual and scary but each step would help build the foundation for the next step. These poor fundies look out and see a mountain when they should actually see a staircase.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I often wonder how much of this is brainwashing and how much is an excuse for girls who are raised to fear the world. Some people just don't want to do anything that requires leaving their 'safety zone'. It's scary to go off to college. It's scary to move to another city. It's scary to work. Most people treat these things as an exciting rite of passage. Some people are reluctant to leave the comfort of their homes. In a fundie household, it's easy for them to use the SAHD thing as an excuse to stay put. And of course, if you are raised to fear the world, you won't be leaving home anytime soon either!

I agree with this too.

Making these moves can be scary for "normal" people too but usually at least one part exciting. But if you've been raised in such a way that you barely even leave the damn HOUSE (homeschooled, remember?) and only ever associate with your parents' friends, suddenly having to make choices has got to be scary, and they probably feel some pretty major culture shock upon seeing the outside world (that they've been taught to fear, even if not explicitly) and so yeah they seek justifications for not needing to make the leap, even possibly while at the same time longing for change. They don't know how to effect change.

Just think - homeschooled, taught to only make friends with your own siblings and possibly cousins (so they're just there and assumed to be friends, there is no negotiation of "who should I meet? Which of these people do I like to hang with?"), doing EVERY little thing as a family unit... your independence muscles would be so atrophied you won't know how to even begin to flex them. Heck, you probably don't even really have experience talking about something that happened in your day, in some of these families, because they're literally in the same room 24/7 so only experiencing the same exact stuff (I'm looking at you, Steve-O).

...university can be similar in the fact that it's like a world unto itself between teenage-hood/high school and the real world. Only instead of staying at home to avoid reality we consider more schooling (grad school, med school, law school, etc).

Interesting. Yeah, I can kinda see that too. It has its own rules. Of course just like SAHD-hood, if you spend too long doing the "perpetual student" thing (particularly if you don't actually finish levels but just end up taking classes here and there and staying in undergrad for years and years) eventually you notice all your peers have moved on, and the next sort of entry ramp into the world has passed you by (the stuff you're looking to do will be expecting people in low 20's, not 30+). All your friends will have jobs when you visit, and just be in a different headspace entirely, because they long ago bit the bullet and did the move out into the world thing.

With the SAHDs though, I suppose they don't really have friends to compare, but they do see siblings and relatives (and people marrying their brothers!!!) moving on into the next stage of the patriarchical life, and surely that has to burn a bit.

An important difference(IMO) for most ordinary people is that all those frightening/exciting experiences are not thrust upon you all at once. For me(and for many others, I suspect) - there was a gradual process where my parents allowed/encouraged increasing amounts of independence.

This too.

The SAHDs are considered to be complete CHILDREN even as they age up through the upper teens and 20's, because their parents are so obsessed with how worldly and fallen and evil the whole concept of "teenagers" and "adolescence" is. They crow about how their kids never rebel, not even in the smallest things, without realizing that such a stage is actually necessary for people to find an identity. They don't need to have drag out fights, but they need to be allowed to have their own opinions that contradict what Mom and Dad want.

And so they can't watch the internet by themselves, they can't go anywhere without a chaperone, they do plenty of housework but never make ANY decisions. (This is what makes SAHD-hood radically different from more NORMAL "child generation lives at home and inherits the house and business" multigenerational living that people in plenty of places do. Those kids come back from university or married and are full adults in the house.)

From that they're supposed to just jump into full living? Has to be scary. But of course for the SAHD they don't - they're supposed to just get another surrogate parent in the form of a husband.

[Seven Severn]

These poor fundies look out and see a mountain when they should actually see a staircase.

Beautifully said.

[atheistjd]

Beautifully said.

Agreed. I do not understand this concept of helpless child (no exposure to the world, no sexual experience, no education or job experience, and under "headship" to the extent that you literally do not make any autonomous decisions or pay bills/have responsibilities) becomes grown-up spouse/parent in a split second. What is so bad about gradually finding out who you are, what your skills are, etc.? And learning life skills? From the parents' perspective, the only thing I can think of that would make this a good proposition is a desire to make it literally IMPOSSIBLE for your daughter to leave you or her future husband and survive as an independent human. The fact that these girls play into this and do not even know they are digging their own graves... it's like Stockholm Syndrome. Ugh, the entire idea os SAHD-hood makes me sad... :(