Pissed off about sexual attitudes

[freejoytoo]

So I was talking about religion and stuff with a friend earlier and she says, "I don't think there's anything wrong with sex outside marriage but I wouldn't want to have sex without being in a relationship because people would call me a whore."

What is with the prudish attitude towards sex? There seems to be this prevailing attitude that if you have sex it has to be with someone special and it has to be for love, or at least, it must be that way for a woman. It's 'not very nice' if a man does it but if a woman does it there has to be something wrong with her. It drives me round the bend that in this day in age we can't accept that maybe women want to just have sex for sex and that it doesn't have to mean anything 'deep' for them.

I have mentioned this before, in real life and online, and get responses like 'if you want to sleep around that's your call but people are going to think you're easy'. Erm, I never said that I did this myself and if I did it wouldn't make me 'easy' because I would be CHOOSING to do it.

I don't understand why people don't realise that terms such as slut and easy are used to control women's sexuality and also that just because I'm saying that I don't think there's anything wrong with casual sex it doesn't mean that I do that myself (not that there would be anything wrong with me if I did). For goodness sake! Live, let live and stop making judgments about other people's sex lives! No one is saying you have to think of it in the same way, or do it that way, but stop saying everyone has to feel like you do!

[valsa]

"I don't think there's anything wrong with sex outside marriage but I wouldn't want to have sex without being in a relationship because people would call me a whore."

'if you want to sleep around that's your call but people are going to think you're easy'.

I think the only reason people say this is because it's what they believe (that sex before marriage makes you a whore/easy) and they know it's a shitty thing to believe, so they blame it on other people.

[shesinsane]

It's a double standard, the same way a college guy who banged 20 chicks is a stud but the gal in his class that banged 20 dudes is a slut. I think it stems from lack of DNA testing - when a baby was born it's obvious which woman it came from, but there was no sure way to prove who the father was unless you knew everyone who had been in that vagina. Therefore, a woman's sex life is of great concern (especially when you have the concern that children fathered by another man could inherit your estate), while a man's just doesn't matter.

Now we have DNA testing to prove who the daddy is, but society's mindset will take some time to adjust. Date rape and marital rape were unknown terms prior to the 20th century, yet they've always been occuring.

[Terrie]

What I find interesting is that your friend doesn't want to have sex outside a relationship not because that's not what she's looking for, but because of how other people will react. Honestly, as long as it's consensual, it's none of my business what other people get up to in the bedroom.

[LynnKaboom]

From the fifth grade on up, in every health class,my peers and I were all taught ZOMFG STDS! Unless you want to go insane and become fugly and have your penis/vagina fall

off/prolapse and get warts and DIE PAINFULLY!!!!! you should wait to make sure that the person you care about is 1- STD-free, and 2- a decent person. It's probably because I was born in the 1990s, at the tail-end of the whole "holy shit anybody can get AIDS and it's transmitted through sex! EVERYONE FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!!!" thing, and when I reached puberty, the whole "IF YOU HAVE SEX YOU'LL DIE UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD!" thing got so ingrained in my and a lot of my peer's heads that it's really hard to turn the whole mechanism off (although I am getting better at it- I've become a lot less judgmental since going to university, although for the love of Pete, don't fuck in the shower if you're not going to clean it! Then I WILL judge you for being tacky and gross).

But the fundies? I highly doubt they think of it in the same terms. I don't think they're too concerned about the STDs. I just think they think the horizontal tango is icky and they don't want to think about it unless it's to lie back and think of the Dominion in the context of a marriage. Because sex is gross.

You know, I had a point to this, but I think my train of thought derailed. Sorry.

[freejoytoo]

We were taught that it was okay to have sex provided your partner was STD free and that you ALWAYS USED A CONDOM. There wasn't really a moral slant to it but the people in the videos were usually a couple preparing for their first time. We did watch this awesome video called 'Johnny Condon' dispelling sexual myths, ie 'you don't get an STD if you're nice and only sleep with one person'.

It was an interesting reaction from her. She's a liberal Christian - was a bit more intense about it but has loosened up, but says she doesn't want casual sex for her own well-being, whatever that means.

[Alecto]

Personally, I can understand wanting to avoid casual sex. I don't have casual sex because I think the risks outweigh the reward. I also understand the societal judgment there is on women and casual sex. In as much as I wish it wasn't this way, it's something that people do consider and have a legitimate reason for doing so.

Still, I am not going to judge anyone for making a different choice.

[Dinaberries]

I was at a barbecue that my husband's friends were hosting, and there was a Playboy poster in the garage. It was actually really tasteful, and it was positioned a bit out of the way, so if anybody would be offended by it, it would be extremely easy to avert their eyes. But one of the women at this barbecue is a pretty hardcore Charismatic Christian, and she thought it would be a good eye to walk up to the host and tell him that she felt really offended by that picture. The host basically just stood there and nodded at her, but then another one of my husband's friends walked up and started debating with her. This debate went on for hours, and I wasn't really paying attention, but one of the things she said really stood out and angered me to the point where I nearly walked up and gave her a piece of my mind, but I figured that it's not worth it, since she's so indoctrinated. She said, "Sex should be a loving act between a husband and a wife. Anything else is a perversion. People who have sex any other way do not value themselves." Then, when the guy she was talking to reminded her that he was in a premarital sexual relationship for many years with his now-wife, she amended it to, "Well at least you were both in love. I don't know how people can have sex with somebody they don't love. There must be something missing in their hearts and minds if they can allow their bodies to be used like that." The sad part of all of this is that her husband pings my gaydar like no other, but I don't think that she can tell; since he is the only person she has ever dated, kissed, or had sex with. Even the way he treats her in public swings between coldness and really creepy PDA-style affection when lots of people are looking.

Anyway, I have had sex with people I did not love. Now, I got along well with the nearly all of the guys I had casual sex with, and I'd say I had friendships with some of them, but unless the guy was a total asshole, the level of rapport I had with the person I was sleeping with had no affect on how I felt before, during or after sex with them. When this was happening, I was a happy, confident young woman who wanted to have fun. I have a high sex drive, and I wanted sex. I would be attracted to someone, he would be attracted to me, and then we'd start making out. If I really felt sexual chemistry, it would lead to sex. Sometimes the sex was mind-blowing, and sometimes it would turn out to be lackluster. I always felt just as well about myself afterward as I did before. I never felt as if my body was "used". If anything, there were times when I felt as if I was using the other person's body in a sense, even though I didn't treat anyone disrespectfully. I couldn't have cared less if anybody thought I was a slut. I figured that if somebody was taking the time to ruminate on what a "slut" I was, they probably were a bit jealous that they weren't getting laid.

The sex I have with my husband is different from the sex I've had with anybody else. He's the one person I have ever loved in a true, healthy way. Our sex is more emotional, and I feel much closer to him during sex than I have with anybody else, and I can say it's the most fulfilling sex I've had...but it is not the most physically satisfying sex I've had. Don't get me wrong, he's great in bed and he makes sure I get off every time; but it's not the intense, crazy, acrobatic sex I have had in the past. We have become more sexually compatible over time, but in the beginning, we were so vastly different sexually (I have a very high sex drive, his is lower than mine; and I am a lot more sexually adventurous, whereas he's a bit more vanilla in some ways.) and it took work to find a place where he felt comfortable and I felt fulfilled. Being in love didn't guarantee this incredible sex life, because sex and love ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

I wish that these conservative types would realize that sex is just sex. It's not something that makes you a better or worse person, and what you do sexually in no way defines you as a human being.

[dairyfreelife]

It is a double standard. I remember once talking to my mother and I mentioned that I would prefer, being a virgin, my first time with someone who is also a virgin so we are at the same experience level. My dear mother told me that a guy wouldn't like that in his 20s and probably already slept with some whore just to get laid. After all, guys prefer to be experienced so they can show you "the ropes." It made me mad. Why is it necessary for a guy to have more experience? It's not. It goes back to man leading sort of crap. Women cannot win in our society.

[Avalondaughter]

Personally, I can understand wanting to avoid casual sex. I don't have casual sex because I think the risks outweigh the reward. I also understand the societal judgment there is on women and casual sex. In as much as I wish it wasn't this way, it's something that people do consider and have a legitimate reason for doing so.

Still, I am not going to judge anyone for making a different choice.

Although I'm a liberal in just about every sense of the word, I'm pretty conservative about my own sexuality (and also somewhat of others) - not because of how others would judge me, but because how I would judge myself. Perhaps it's not right, but when it comes to sex, I second guess myself a lot. It makes me feel a bit like I am not being true to my feminist beliefs, but I figure I'm married now, so I don't have to worry about making the "wrong" sexual decisions anymore.

[gustava]

The recreational sex that became available to females in the 60s as a result of birth control is riskier today because of STDs. If I were coming of age today, I would be far more careful than I was back in those early days of the sexual revolution, before the onset of AIDS and STDs.

Damn, it was fun! Screw Frothy!!!!! :dance:

[Witsec7]

The recreational sex that became available to females in the 60s as a result of birth control is riskier today because of STDs. If I were coming of age today, I would be far more careful than I was back in those early days of the sexual revolution, before the onset of AIDS and STDs.

Damn, it was fun! Screw Frothy!!!!! :dance:

Like you I was on the foreskin of the sexual revolution and came away unscathed, physically and emotionally My DD grew up in the wrap it up generation, but some of her pals do some slut slapping at times. I will always call them on it.

[lovefromgirl]

Like you I was on the foreskin of the sexual revolution and came away unscathed, physically and emotionally My DD grew up in the wrap it up generation, but some of her pals do some slut slapping at times. I will always call them on it.

If that's what you meant to say, awesome.

[FearLyss]

I have only ever had sex with three men (4, if you count my on-going lesbian expermient at the age of around 9-11). I am quite proud of that low number (although, my family members would all agree it is three too many), yet I have never been in a real relationship (I just wanted sex). I have had three long term fuck-buddies, two over-lapping. My current guy, is turning into something more now. I was friends with each first and do feel like they must meet certain standards, so in a way, I do have my hang ups. However, that is my choice, and should in no way effect other people. I have known men and women who have casual sex, frequently. As long as they are safe, I see nothing wrong with it. I hate the double standard that exists. I was hanging out with an ex-friend who started gossiping about another friend of ours, she kept calling her a slut. This girl proclaimed to be a feminist yet still spouted that a guy is not to blame, it's the fault girls giving it to him! She couldn't understand why nobody needed to be blamed. Some people have sex for pleasure and pleasure alone, both men and women.

In my family, I am considered a slut. My cousin, who has had sex with many more people than I have, is not. It's so frustrating!!

[Witsec7]

If that's what you meant to say, awesome.

Why yes it was my dear :D

[Georgiana]

While I hate to say it, the risks of casual sex are far greater for women than for men. I used to think differently, then I had an experience that taught me otherwise. Emotions and STDs aside, if there is an unplanned pregnancy, the man can walk away. Even if he sticks around, it is the WOMAN that has to undergo a medical procedure and face the physical side-effects. And because of the way health insurance works, it is often the WOMAN who will foot the majority of the bill.

I got pregnant from a one-night stand. I almost NEVER have casual sex, so I knew without a doubt who the father was. He was (and is) great. Super supportive. Gave me everything I needed. But let me tell you right now, straight from personal experience, that he is not going through one-tenth of what I have gone through and am going through.

He did not have the physical symptoms of pregnancy, that for me resulted in massive weight gain and loss of my body.

He did not have the medical procedure.

He did not feel the baby move in its last moments.

He doesn't have nightmares.

He didn't have to go 48hours without food because the nausea and vomiting from the pain meds was so extreme.

One of the risks of sex is pregnancy. And no matter how you slice it, pregnancy is harder on women than it is on men. And when it comes to pregnancy, there's just no way to level the playing field. And that is all I'm saying.

[freejoytoo]

I don't have a high number of sexual partners myself and haven't even had casual sex, but I don't have a problem with people who do. It's none of my business. I don't see what is morally wrong about two people deciding to have casual sex provided that they aren't hurting anyone. I don't think anyone should do something they aren't comfortable with but some people do want to do that, and I don't see why they shouldn't. Whenever I say this people seem to assume that I'm having casual sex and give me a lecture, which I find really patronising. Just because I'm defending something doesn't mean that I'm doing it, and even if I was it wouldn't make me a 'bad' person.

I just hate the double standard. The people who say it isn't nice tend to be the same ones who don't say anything about guys doing it but just lay into the women. If they're doing it they have to be cheap and looking for love in the wrong places. They're not allowed just to want some sex for the fun of it and if they do, well shame on them!

[reds]

So what do you teach your daughters about sex when they are early teens?