Fundy attitude towards anger

[freejoytoo]

Does anyone else think that fundies have an unhealthy attitude towards anger? Michelle Duggar has a baby voice and claims in interviews that she has a 'gentle approach' towards discipline and tries to speak softly towards her children. Never has she been seen (on air at least) to ever raise her voice, or talk like an adult, and there is a great emphasis on being calm. Whilst that is not a bad attitude in general I don't think it's healthy to try and repress any kind of anger at all. Obviously it's good to try and control your temper but it's also good to air your feelings and tell people that you are angry. It's a human emotion and constantly repressing it isn't going to make it disappear, and nor should it. I always see fundies almost like robots - so determined to have a smile plastered on their face, cheerful because God is in their heart and not letting life get them down because they are living such a godly one. They act as though they have no need to be angry and yet, this always seems to manifest itself in other things, such as fundy attitudes towards liberal views. Mention birth control and they are foaming at the mouth. Does anyone else think that they are concentrating all their anger on this? Do you suppose the Duggar children and other fundy children are punished for displaying anger?

[haveapicniclife]

I don't know about focusing anger on certain things, but my inlaws are semi-fundy and they are ALL about having "a good attitude". It's all they ever talk about, it's one of the biggest compliments they will give their grandchildren, "oh and she has SUCH a good attitude, and that's so important". Meanwhile anyone that complains about things is given the side eye and no attention. I think it's creepy. It took years for my husband to understand that being upset or negative about something is perfectly okay. Venting feelings is okay.

[luv2laugh]

I don't know about focusing anger on certain things, but my inlaws are semi-fundy and they are ALL about having "a good attitude". It's all they ever talk about, it's one of the biggest compliments they will give their grandchildren, "oh and she has SUCH a good attitude, and that's so important". Meanwhile anyone that complains about things is given the side eye and no attention. I think it's creepy. It took years for my husband to understand that being upset or negative about something is perfectly okay. Venting feelings is okay.

Yep. Anytime any of my friends complain about something to this one Fundie-lite friend of mine, she will always say that they are in sin because they are not trusting in God and yes, "leaving it up to him." Anytime I or anyone else tell her about decision we have to make, she will always say "Pray about it." It doesn't matter how big or small the question is... I could say, "Should I wear that yellow shirt today?" and she will say "Pray about it." as an excuse in order to avoid listening to people.

[Kitty]

That's hardly a fundie thing, at least in my experience. It's very much a cult thing, and it's pretty mainstream. Check out my "cult of positive thinking" thread over in Chatter. Anger, or any kind of "negative" emotion, is frowned upon, at least in American culture. If you're not smiling all the fucking time, you don't have it together at all, and you had better pretend you do. Nobody knows how to deal with "negative emotion," so they don't. Fundies just go one step further- they are in a cult where they cannot question anything, so they deny their own "negative feelings." Unless they're men, of course.

[liltwinstar]

Growing up fundie, I was taught that anger was a sin to be avoided if possible and repented for if not. Also, anger in that world gets you nowhere - if you're angry about a situation at church that you feel was mishandled (for example) and you say that you're angry or the powers-that-be detect even a hint of anger, they use that against you and use your anger to discount any criticism that you've offered.

In my family I was not allowed to be angry. That sounds weird, but it's true, and for years, I convinved myself that I didn't get angry. I would get "upset." In fact, in typing this, I have to force myself to use the word anger. Anyway, that's not very healthy - in retrospect, I was furious about my life!!! But I had no way to express that anger. It came out in other ways - being extremely judgemental was one of those ways. I was mean about anyone who was not as "devout" or "committed" as I was, because I was angry that I didn't have a normal life. I guess I wanted everyone else to be miserable too because that was "right"

I was also terrified that if I gave into my anger/rage (which I called "upset") I would become some sort of Hulk-like destroying force. Literally, I was afraid that I would hurt people or destroy things. Which is weird, becuase if you met me, I'm a really timid person and I abhor violence. But, I somehow thought that this angry beast lurked within and if I gave into it, I would destroy everything in my path. This is because I never learned to deal with anger. I'm learning now -even giving myself permission to say "x thing made me angry" helps a lot. Also, that's what they tell you - somehow the normal anger that we all experience from time to time is lumped in with abusive rage, and those things are not the same at all.

Also, (now) I think anger can be a good force sometimes. I mean, if people didn't get angry, we wouldn't have the civil rights movement.

Anger scares fundies because it spurs people to question the status quo and to begin to make changes. One of the things that could motivate the Duggar girls to leave the family compound is to get angry about the fact that they're used as surrogate moms. That would threaten the whole structure of the family, so anger has to be quashed at any/all points. If a submissive SAHM fundie wife gets angry that she has to clip coupons and stick to a $20/week grocery budget just because her headship doesn't feel like working a real job, that will motivate her to make changes in her own life (get a job, leave the marriage, whatever).

Women's anger is especially feared in that world. Fundieism only survives because women buy into it. If they get mad enough, they stop being submissive and the whole thing crumbles.

[freejoytoo]

That's hardly a fundie thing, at least in my experience. It's very much a cult thing, and it's pretty mainstream. Check out my "cult of positive thinking" thread over in Chatter. Anger, or any kind of "negative" emotion, is frowned upon, at least in American culture. If you're not smiling all the fucking time, you don't have it together at all, and you had better pretend you do. Nobody knows how to deal with "negative emotion," so they don't. Fundies just go one step further- they are in a cult where they cannot question anything, so they deny their own "negative feelings." Unless they're men, of course.

I know what you mean about the positive mindset but the majority of people won't act like you're crazy if you'v had a bad day and lose your temper. Fundies take it to another level. I bet the Duggar girls are completely overwhelmed and if they express any kind of dissatisfaction they're packed off to an ATI camp. Does anyone think they all have a glazed look over their eyes? It's creepy. I'm not good at expressing anger but I don't hate myself for feeling it, and I do allow myself to. Their approach must lead to some serious self-loathing.

[Kitty]

I know what you mean about the positive mindset but the majority of people won't act like you're crazy if you'v had a bad day and lose your temper. Fundies take it to another level. I bet the Duggar girls are completely overwhelmed and if they express any kind of dissatisfaction they're packed off to an ATI camp. Does anyone think they all have a glazed look over their eyes? It's creepy. I'm not good at expressing anger but I don't hate myself for feeling it, and I do allow myself to. Their approach must lead to some serious self-loathing.

The Duggars have been putting on the wholesome act for so long they probably don't know what to do with anger. From what I've seen, they and other fundies take "positivity" just one step further than do most people. Everything about the positivity mindset I was bitching about in the other thread is all an act. You have to pretend to have it all together and that everything is OK. On the show we never see Michelle or Jim Bob or their kids crack. Honestly I think the only "real" moments TLC has let slip through were when Anna was in labor. TLC edits the footage very selectively, producing a very unrealistic view of any family of any size. Only happy faces are allowed. I wouldn't be surprised if Gothard actually teaches this.

I grew up around a lot of fundie-lites, who were much like the Duggars/other fundies in that there was zero negativity allowed. If you're not acting like you're high on life 24/7 you're negative and nobody wants to be around you. It's very isolating. If any of the Duggar girls even escaped to a more mainstream church, they'd be praised for being "fighters" and not allowed to complain at all about the hell they've gone through having to raise their parents' kids. Not one person would stick around to hear the truth about JimBoob and Jichelle.

I heard someone say something about Jim Bob's "anger issues." Jim Bob doesn't strike me as an angry guy (he's an asshole for sure, but I haven't seen him rage at all on-camera, mostly he just doesn't seem to know what he's doing since he's rarely actually raising his own kids) so I've been wondering if he's the type to bottle his feelings up and then explode over seemingly small things. Not that I'd put it past anyone in ATI, since there's not much of a choice there. It seems that like normal idiots, fundies too believe that any negative emotion is bad and anything bad that happens is nothing to be upset about because it's a blessing in disguise.

[freejoytoo]

I have a fundy-lite friend. She's much more normal than by Duggar standards in that she was allowed to actually go to school and university and wear jeans etc, but she never seems angry about anything. Granted, I don't see much of her now, but she always has this high on life attitude whenever I do and I think a lot of things in her church are messed up. She swore to obey her husband in her wedding vows, no joke. She never seems frustrated or if she does feel frustrated she'll say something like, "Glad I have Jesus." Can she not just say she is having a bad day?!