The High-Heeled Housewife

[skankbiscuit]

It is probably too late now, but Britney, do a woman who is more than twice your age, and been with her husband for longer than you have been alive a solid, and not give any more marriage advice.

Yeah, young fundie guys like pretty wives who will wait on them and clean house. And in other news, water is wet

[Guest Anonymous]

Wow, I am late to this thread, but I will 'fess up to being completely fascinated. As a female lawyer myself, I can't help but identify with Brittany's husband. I am trying to imagine what it would be like if there was an entire religious belief system / ideology that would encourage my husband to lay out my things for me before work, make a nutritious lunch for me to take to the office, and devote himself to ensuring I have no wrinkles in my clothes. While it sounds nice to have a live-in personal assistant, I think it would make me profoundly uncomfortable to accept that level of service from an intimate partner. And I can't help but conclude that husbands in these kinds of marriages must develop a massive sense of entitlement.

It actually reminds me of giving a huge bag of candy to a kid. Maybe it makes the kid happy in the short run, but it can't be good for the kid in the long run.

[Guest Anonymous]

I will observe that I can see the up-side to the division of labor High-Heeled Housewife describes. If I came home to an immaculate house, all the shopping done, dinner cooked, the lawn taken care of, the bills paid, my laundry done, and all other errands completed, I wouldn't have to focus on anything but my job and relaxing during my down-time. I am sure that my productivity and my lifestyle would be enhanced to some degree if my husband were doing all those things for me.

Hmmm . . . maybe we should start a new religion based on female dominance and male submission. We can all be the original apostles of the new faith. Look, if dudes can make up an imaginary all-powerful being who insists that men should TOTALLY be in charge, why can't we do the same?

[Brainsample]

When I was in my 20s, those T-shirts for witnessing were quite popular. I wore them around as a way of telling others about my faith, because that's what I thought I was doing. In the end, it was just a t-shirt, I think.

When I volunteered at Birthright, they sold T-shirts, too, and I started to feel funny about it. If we had a casual function as a group, I loved it, but what made me a Birthright volunteer wasn't that T-shirt. It was working with girls who wandered in from the local high school and the college campus to talk with them. And I didn't put extra developer on the test pad to make the pregnancy test look extra positive, what some of the women there did to somehow communicate to those girls that they were REALLY, REALLY pregnant, manipulating them emotionally. I think that I did a lot of good work there, and it had nothing to do with t-shirts.

I, too, am someone with a back injury, and because of it, my right foot has gone flat because I walk and sit so that it doesn't hurt and displace as much. I have trouble finding shoes that I can wear comfortably, and I manage in heels to get back and forth to church and then take them off. I wore heels in my 20s, though.

I've worked part time for 19 of my 21 years of marriage, and I've done work for my husband's side business (reviewing medical charts and depositions) for the past 10 years (working part time from home). I also miscarried twice and have no children. My husband is chronically ill, and the health crises resulting from that were substantial enough that we were not good candidates for adopting. I dropped out of a nurse practitioner program when my husband's health became very bad so that I could help him manage at his career and job, and I did that for six years thereafter. So I don't know that we have many functional differences.

I'm concerned about this approach to marriage, and I don't think it's a personal criticism necessarily. It is promoted by so many evangelicals today. True holiness and the process of sanctification comes about over time, and it works from the inside out. We do certain things because of the changes that happen inside when we are changed by the Holy Spirit and the Word, conformed into the image of Jesus. The care taking and the externals do not create those changes -- they are changes that God does in us. In my twenties, I did many of these same things for the same reasons and from the same desires. But the problems come when life starts to catch up with you and you're no longer in your 20s! The externals will fail us and what we do will fail us -- we may not always be able to serve others in the way that we aspired before. When that falls through, if it falls through, what do you have? If you build from the inside out, the externals don't matter.

I used to have the idea that I earned my keep in my marriage, and each of us hit a point where we would not be able to perform and to continue to give. Some days, you do a lot of taking. Some seasons or some years on end involve giving and some involve taking, even if you are in a more "supportive role" in your marriage, depending on how you negotiate division of labor. So if it's all based on division of labor, you're headed for heartache. People fail, plans fail, and life happens. It isn't fair or pretty all the time. It gets old, injured, and worn out -- and that happens earlier for some of us than it does for others.

I guess everyone sees a lot of stuff on the surface. It's a discussion and display of externals -- caretaking and appearance. The woman is obligated to perform those functions in many marriages, but obligation, at some point, leads to conflict and frustration because we are human. That may not be what your marriage is all about. There may be much depth below that rich presentation of caretaking and appearance. It really is tough if and when those externals cease or become impaired -- because you need a better bedrock than gender roles for marriage for it to work. I'm just concerned for people with all of the externals together and on display. I'm also concerned about the fertility issue, because if I had made this such a focus, I would have spent 20 years feeling worthless because I didn't get the life I ordered instead of looking for the lesson in every day.

Ah, just wait until you're in your late 30s, and your body starts to shift you out of a focus on relationships and into what Erik Erickson called "Generativity versus Stagnation." You then focus on what you really leave behind in this life and what you've contributed to the world (instead of a drive to put everything into relationships with others). We are given so little time in this life, and beauty is wonderful, but it doesn't last. Caretaking needs to be mutual, despite our division of labor and our plans to keep everything neat and tidy. I hope that the externals are not merely a means to an end but rather a sign of zeal and love and wonderful motive. Because the rest goes to pot eventually, sometimes sooner than you anticipate.

[Sola]

Hi, everyone. It's Brittany...from The High-Heeled Housewife.

I typically wouldn't respond to a thread like this, but I noticed that a lot of pageviews were coming from this source, and when I checked it out, I was surprised with the grace with which most of the comments were delivered. Many disapproving comments are along the lines of "you're just crazy", so I appreciate the respect in yours.

I had been working on a post which answers some commonly-asked questions (such as "what does your husband do?" and "how do you afford to stay at home?"), so I thought, upon reading this thread, it was a good day to finish it up and post it.

The post clarifies a lot of the raised questions, and I think that if people here are wondering and speculating about what the answers are, a lot of my readers probably are as well. In a nutshell:

• 1. We don't believe in debt. We had some (not terribly much...just from working in college) savings coming into our marriage, we live in Texas (low cost of living), and my husband was offered a scholarship to law school, so we only have to cover living expenses. We saved my income for his first two years of law school, living off of our pre-marriage savings and his summer income. That's enabled me to stay at home after my husband finished two years of law school. He has one remaining.
  
  2. I know it's difficult for a lot of people (men and women alike) to understand why I would want to stay at home. To be honest, both my husband and myself want that, but we haven't always. When I met my husband, we both intended to attend law school. (I was his LSAT instructor at Kaplan, ha!) We both applied and got into the same schools. However, as graduation from college approached, I felt more and more dread about attending law school. We both wanted me to stay at home once we had children, so it didn't make a ton of sense to incur the stress (and debt we'd definitely have if we both went) for me to practice for a year or two and quit.
  
  Eventually, I decided not to go and to put my degree in communications to use instead. So, I worked for two years. I enjoyed it, but last summer, my husband and I were apart, and it was really hard on both of us. So, given that we had the savings, we decided that I would quit. It's been a real blessing to both of us, allowing me to spend more time cutting expenses (through couponing and DIY projects), spending time on the home, and pursuing other interests (blogging, Bible studies, spending more time with family).

All that to say... I don't necessarily feel the need to defend myself as much as I do to add to the conversation. Also, it's easy to make assumptions and speculate when it's unclear, but assumptions aren't always correct.

Again, I really do appreciate the grace, mercy and respect.

Also.... on a lot of issues, I doubt we'll see eye-to-eye, and for me, that's okay. I definitely respect your opinions, and I hope you'll respect mine. For now, it's not my intention to start a long drawn-out debate, but I did want to add my 2 cents on those two questions.

Hi HHHW, not really getting into the income thing, although the potential levels of debt sounds damn scary to me - and I thought UK university fees were bad :o

The high heels thing; how on earth do you wear them all day? Do you clean in them? Do they hurt? I honestly cannot understand how you can wear them all day long.

Notice someone has mentioned you have endometriosis. You have my sympathies with that. I had stage 3/4 endo, I had a hysterectomy due to that and a severe triple prolapse. I had endo cells right through to my rectum so I know it really is a horrible thing to have.

[apple1]

Brainsample,

Good post.

[apple1]

I was going to let this go without commenting, but... here goes.

No, marriage is not about "high heels" and looking great.

Marriage is STILL being in love when you're recovering from a mastectomy, have 3 drain tubes pinned to your nightshirt, and not a hair on your head due to chemo.

Marriage is helping him manage his diabetes. Marriage is bringing him what he needs when he's had his 2nd knee surgery.

Marriage is the both of you loving holding your first grandchild for the first time.

Marriage is being best friends 34 years later.

Really.

Quoting myself here because this IS really important.

And THESE things are what I hope my daughters recall as the important things they learned from their mother. Not something about shoe style.

[Hane]

What apple1 said.

And, as Oddeverything said,

The best advice my mama ever gave me was to get an education and have a secret fund no one knows about. (My mom said the same thing.)

And, finally, ladies and gentlemen, I present for your approval something that helped launch me into feminism in the early '70s--"I Want a Wife":

http://bcs.bedfordstmartins.com/everythingsanargument4e/content/cat_020/Brady_I_Want_a_Wife.pdf :angry-soapbox: :gay-female:

[Shirley MacLaine]

I like wearing heels. I don't do it to please the boyfriend (I'm too femme for him, honestly). I do think you folks are exaggerating the pain of wearing heels (for persons without injuries that cause wearing heels to be painful - and there are lots of sandal/wedge styles that let your toes run free and are supercomfy).

Don't get me wrong, I think submission is bullshit (ideally I'd abolish marriage) but I lurve my heels.

[Kaylee]

Some people really do have trouble with heels. My mom could never wear them without having to soak her feet at night and I have a good friend in her late 30s who has had several surgeries and has to get regular cortisone injections, in part, because she wears heels daily and spends much of her day walking around on hard floors (she's a field manager for a large retail chain and does a lot of store inspections).

OTOH, I have always loved heels and have super high arches, so I am more comfortable in a 3 inch or so heel than in something like a ballet flat or flat sandal. It was sort of funny because one of the girl's homes I was in made runaways wear heels as a way of slowing us down, and I was like "oh cool, this are like the shoes my mom wouldn't let me wear to school". Anyway, I don't see anything wrong with it if they are comfortable (world of difference between quality shoes and most of the cheap ones) as long as the woman chooses or agrees to wear them and is not actually being forced or coerced into it. I wear them sometimes, because I have been making an effort to dress better at home and not be a frumpy mom. Usually, I wear tennis shoes or Crocs for most of the day and change into heels before we go out or before my husband gets home.

I also noticed on her blog, she had a "Total Woman Tuesdays" link. Total Woman is one of the many submissive wive / how to please your husband type books, and she is very focused on putting in extra effort to look attractive and dressing up for your husband, so that may be part of the inspiration for it.

[Koala]

Quoting myself here because this IS really important.

And THESE things are what I hope my daughters recall as the important things they learned from their mother. Not something about shoe style.

:clap: :clap:

[masagoroll]

This is just not the kind of thing I want to read right now. She seems like such a flibbertigibbet to me!

I am her same age, and I've been married longer than she has, and I don't go around advising people!

She think she is so important because she glams herself up and takes care of an apartment. Whatever.

Although, reading about her baby stuff is making me feel bad for her and also myself. I want a baby so much, and I think my fertility is fine, but we are not TTC until we actually have a spare cent of money ever. :(

ETA: Just looked all through this thread and saw that the lady herself posted here. Now I feel bad and sorry for saying she seemed like a flibbertigibbet...although I had a lot of fun typing out the word flibbertigibbet. I'm very tired from work right now and I feel quite grumpy!

ETA 2: Because everyone is writing about their heel wearing--I barely ever wear heels. 1) I have completely flat feet that need arch support and 2) preschool/daycare teachers like myself wear comfortable shoes you can wear while chasing kids. I actually kind of hate heels, and I'm beginning to believe the theory I have heard some feminists put forth that it is downright woman-hating to expect women to wear shoes that are bad for their bodies and hinder their mobility.

[Oddeverything]

Oh man, I missed that she has endometriosis. Note that I am not putting the word infertility in quotes.

I think that given how insane, lunatic, mean and delusional some of the fundies we follow can be, it's not irrational to immediately assume the worst about anyone who comes close to resembling others we have concerns about.

But I think Brittany explained herself well and has shown an intelligence and a capacity for calm discourse that one would never see in Lyndsie or, frankly, most of those discussed here. She really did show a lot of equanimity, even if she is a bit of a flibbertigibbet (a wonderful word, masagoroll).

Had she come in here guns blazing and shouted subservience uber-alles or shown a rigidity that includes zero acceptance of other lifestyles, I would see cause for alarm but mostly, she just seems young, very Christian and possessing that arrogance that I had at 23 wherein I was certain I had more answers than I did. Brittany barely rates on my concern-o-meter, though I will say that I am glad she doesn't wear heels 24/7. I put myself through college selling shoes at Naturalizer and the horror stories I could tell of elderly women with truncated Achilles' tendons whose feet had more or less become perma-Barbie. Nothing like a frail, elderly woman in a walker on her tiptoes, unable to flatten her feet, to make you switch to flats from time to time.

[formergothardite]

Quoting myself here because this IS really important.

And THESE things are what I hope my daughters recall as the important things they learned from their mother. Not something about shoe style.

Amen. And I hope that she drops the heels thing and teaches any future daughters things like these.

[ladypuglover]

I'm also wanted to chime in on the high heels topic.

Due to my back surgery at 13, I was told I could never, ever wear heels over 2 inches. I tried 2 and a half inch once but couldn't even walk due to the instant back pain. So for 27 years of my 40 I have had to either be a flats girl or very lowed heel gal. Some days I can't even wear low heels and become crippled withen seconds of trying. That can be very hard trying to figure out what I'm going to wear to each of life's events as I won't know until I'm dressing of what type of shoe I can wear. When the times I can wear a heel/wedge/pump, I do if I am in the mood for it and when I can't I have tons of different flats/mules/slides/sandles to enjoy my shoe fetish. So for me shoes can mean being able to take a single step pain free or instant back spasms that can leave me crippled in pain for days.

[Guest Anonymous]

It looks like, considering High heeled's responses, we're taking some light-heartedness too seriously... however, once she has even one child, the illusion will be ruined.

If my husband suddenly decided to do everything I wished, kept everything clean, cooked, washed, ironed, folded etc...heck, I'd be a pleasant spouse too.

[skankbiscuit]

When she has a baby and her husband sees her at her absolute worst appearance wise, it will go one of two ways. She will have a breakdown because she is no longer a total hottie babe 24/7 and has some stretch marks, or she will see there is more meaning to life than looking hot for your husband at all times. She is a smart woman, I am hoping she will stop emulating mom so much and find her own way.

[kb2]

Some people just like dressing up, and she may be one of those. My mom wears hose and ballet flats every day. She doesn't own any tennis shoes, at all, and hasn't for at least two decades. I also worked for someone recently who continued to wear heels well into her pregnancy, even though we worked in a place that didn't require heels at all, and someone else on her level wore blue jeans every day. The high heels schtick may be based more on personal preference than her interpretation of God's Plan or whatever.

[Brainsample]

Yeah, young fundie guys like pretty wives who will wait on them and clean house. And in other news, water is wet

This made my day! I needed a good, hearty laugh, too. :P

[Mompom]

I like imagining her at dinner parties with her husband's female lawyer colleagues. Can you imagine?

Just because she stays home doesn't mean she can't hold her own with her husband's colleagues. I've never really had a real job for 16 years and I hold my own with my husband's colleagues. In fact I actually know a lot more about life in general because I'm not tied to the office every day. I have some grad school, but really I learned the most from reading, volunteering, parenting kids with special needs, adopting, meeting people, traveling, the internet, and observation.

Just saying. I used to feel intimidated until I realized that I could hold my own. I've been kind of successful in the unemployed sector, lol. So, I never really think that stay at home wives, daughters, and moms are always going to be boring Stepford dolts. :)

[dcmhejbl62]

Well, that's it for me tonight. This one has me in tears.

That was me. Higher score than my husband on the LSAT, sacrificing my ambitions for higher education so he could get his finished first, so I could be the good stay-at-home mom when our children came, which was questionable because of the endometriosis... yeah, the whole thing. "We don't believe in debt," which came after his school debts were paid off. "We don't believe in divorce." And it was even fun and cozy for awhile, I thought we were on the same page, I would sacrifice for him awhile, he would sacrifice for me, love and submission the way Christ loved the church, etc. etc...

Only he didn't.

The more I gave, the more he took. The more power I gave him, the more control he exerted. Everywhere I looked I was "counseled" to be more submissive, to serve more, to support his ambitions and hobbies by taking care of everything else (and I wasn't even fundie!), and you know what I found out, years later? Less than a year after I quit that job and stayed home to take care of everything, he was cheating on me, with a smart, childless lawyer and Lord only knows who else but they WEREN'T submissive stay at home moms.

By the time I found out, I'd had multiple children; I was exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually; I'd had no time of my own to develop friendships; he'd hidden most of the money for years; I'd been out of my field too long to go back easily.

This is just horrible. I literally feel sick for this girl. And law, of all fields. Not an occupation that supports a high moral code; in three years he'll be able to justify every crappy little thing he wants to do and get away with it too. And she's choosing this. She's happily chirping toward the tracks in her high heels and doesn't even see the train coming.

Obviously I'm not going to be able to watch this one.