The High-Heeled Housewife

[formergothardite]

I think that doing what works for your family is a great answer, better than almost every other blog we discuss where the answer would be, "Because that is what God says and anyone who doesn't agree is a heathen sinner going to hell." I'm a SAHM because it works for our family, not because I think I'm better than everyone else.

What do you think about people who don't educate their daughters and force them to raise their younger siblings? Like the Duggars.

[High-Heeled HW]

I think that doing what works for your family is a great answer, better than almost every other blog we discuss where the answer would be, "Because that is what God says and anyone who doesn't agree is a heathen sinner going to hell." I'm a SAHM because it works for our family, not because I think I'm better than everyone else.

What do you think about people who don't educate their daughters and force them to raise their younger siblings? Like the Duggars.

Ha, I was wondering if/when someone would ask that. First, I don't want to judge them. I think their family probably has some valuable lessons to teach other families. However, I do value education and I think one-on-one parent-child interaction is important. I realize that's sacrificed in large families. I'll be honest: I'm not sure how I feel about birth control, but that's not something I've had to worry about. We're on the other side of the coin.

I do believe that women should be educated. In fact, I can see myself getting a graduate degree in the future in a field that's relevant to my life (i.e., something related to education if we have children or perhaps continuing my study of communication). If we have children, it's our desire that they all go to college, regardless of gender, and I would be supportive of my daughters whether they chose to have a career or to stay at home once they're married.

[formergothardite]

What valuable lessons do you think they could teach? I grew up around and in the Gothard cult that they follow and my parents met them before they were famous and I'll admit that my view of them isn't that great. But I'm always interested in finding out what people find admirable about them.

[demgirl]

Brittany -- thanks for answering. That's actually a really interesting answer. I do think there is a tendency to think of stay at home wives as somehow less than intelligent, although I think around here, that assumption is often made because many of the blogs we discuss are written by women who actively promote and brag about the fact that they are uneducated by the evil liberal school system.

I have made very different choices in my life when compared to the choices you have made, but I'm all for choices. What I'm opposed to is trying to force one's individual lifestyle, religious and other choices on others. You seem less about that and more about how it works for you, which I appreciate. And hey, if you're willing to support your daughters in going to college and having careers w/o telling them this means they are going to hell, you're a-okay with me.

[High-Heeled HW]

As to the Duggars: I don't spend a lot of time watching them, so I can't speak to this thoroughly, but from what I can tell from TV, it would seem that they don't raise their voices at their children and that the atmosphere at home is generally positive. They aren't divorced...not that I'm condemning anyone who is, but I think most people, including myself, agree that it's not generally healthy for children. They view every child as a gift from God, which is probably a healthy view for the children's self-esteem (although if it's true that they don't educate their girls, that's probably a mitigating factor).

I would say that the positivity generally exhibited in their interactions is their most admirable quality, in my opinion. Of course, as I said, I don't watch them often, and I don't know that their television representation is necessarily accurate.

[emesbe]

Holy lots of makeup, Batman!!! Man, I cannot fathom spending that much on something that gets washed down the drain.

[longskirtlotsakids]

I

When it comes to heels, I think maybe the "pain" is exaggerated here. If a woman has a particular foot problem which prevents her from wearing heels at all, it might not be, but a husband asking his wife to wear heels sometimes won't generally result in a great deal of pain.

As a general rule, though, I do think that the attitude of both spouses should put the other's needs and wants before his/her own...after all, that's what love and submission is all about.

Alright, you had me up until here. That's swell that you think the pain is exaggerated, but you're naive as my six year old who is still waiting for her pet birthday unicorn. Wait until you're in your third trimester- yeah, I know, the mommy mags are full of sexy moms in hip maternity clothing and spikes, but they are models with fake strap on bellies.

I have a L5S1 veterbral fracture and exploded discs. You want to talk about exaggerated pain? Have a professional baseball player slug you with his bat across the top of your pelvis where the spine joins 5 or 6 times, then put your heels on and walk around and say I am exaggerating my pain. Then I will believe you and follow your cute little line of thought.

Would your husband would love and stay with you through back surgeries? That means he does all the cooking, housecleaning, and yeah, wipes your butt because you are bedridden for six weeks. Not to mention no sex, scars, and crappy moods. (it's harder to "stay sweet" on morphine) Perhaps you should consider THAT, because we are all mortal here and all just as likely to get hit by a drunk driver, take a bad fall, (more common in heels BTW) or similar such tragedies.

What you are advocating for, when you get down to it, is a form of foot binding. No, its not permanent (unless you count your permanent foot/nerve damage) but it is what is it is- a way to slow women down and make them less likely to be able to flee or live an active life. Tell me, do you wear them at the gym or on your jog?

[High-Heeled HW]

because many of the blogs we discuss are written by women who actively promote and brag about the fact that they are uneducated by the evil liberal school system.

That's interesting. I will say that, if we have children, my husband and I have considered homeschooling an option. If we were to go that route, though, our reasoning would be more rooted in the thought that we would be able to provide more customized, one-on-one instruction than in a traditional class setting (and again, we've made no decisions, nor do we have children) than in thinking the school system is "evil" and "liberal".

[High-Heeled HW]

I have a L5S1 veterbral fracture and exploded discs. You want to talk about exaggerated pain? Have a professional baseball player slug you with his bat across the top of your pelvis where the spine joins 5 or 6 times, then put your heels on and walk around and say I am exaggerating my pain. Then I will believe you and follow your cute little line of thought.

Wow, I'm so sorry. This is precisely the kind of pain I was referring to in my caveat. I definitely don't think that your pain is exaggerated (I would classify that as one of the particular problems I was referring to which prevent women from wearing heels...I did specify foot, but I misspoke, clearly).

Would your husband would love and stay with you through back surgeries? That means he does all the cooking, housecleaning, and yeah, wipes your butt because you are bedridden for six weeks. Not to mention no sex, scars, and crappy moods. (it's harder to "stay sweet" on morphine) Perhaps you should consider THAT, because we are all mortal here and all just as likely to get hit by a drunk driver, take a bad fall, (more common in heels BTW) or similar such tragedies.

Yes, he absolutely would.

Tell me, do you wear them at the gym or on your jog?

No, I don't. I wear tennis shoes.

[emesbe]

It may not cause pain now, but it is affecting the body. I guess I don't see high heels = sexy. Meh. I love bare feet. THAT is sexy.

[antifundie]

Hey Brittany--I actually like your blog! I (almost) never wear heels, and I don't believe in submission (I believe in mutual submission, I guess?) but you seem like a nice, normal person. So, welcome!

I don't know if this will come out right, but it's something that has really been bothering me lately, both in secular society and in fundie-dom--and it's the idea that household (or, traditionally "women's work") is decorative or fluffy. I'm not talking about pink glitter pumpkins, but more about a clean house, well-managed finances, nourishing meals--these are things I want, (and try to take care of) because I feel that they are important to my (and my husband's) overall happiness.

I'm not speaking of the women on FJ or of Brittany, but rather a culture at large that sometimes seems to dismiss the importance of these activities. I think that's changing a bit, but I still feel sometimes that those activities are looked down upon as not "real work"--unless, of course, somebody is paid to do them.

In Fundie-dom, it seems like things can be overdone--like it's not enough to run your household well and raise your children, no, you have to look as frumpy as possible and do things in the hardest possible way. I mean, I LOVE homemade jam, and I wish I had the time/patience for it, but I certainly don't think Jesus cares if I buy it at the store. I get the sense from some blogs and things that folks think Jesus has ideas about that sort of thing.

Maybe it's the influence of FlyLady, but I'm slowly starting to see household work as something that I do to take care of MYSELF, not because it's given to me because of my gender. I think that's true for men too--I don't think that it's reasonable to expect that any adult "only" has to work--no, you have adult responsibilities (sometimes laundry, bills, errands)--and it's not fair (in my view) for men to expect that they don't need to participate in those activities.

I don't know if any of this made sense. I do not think that doing laundry requires a "PhD in housekeeping" but on the other hand, it's important, you know? Household chores and raising children are important to society, (or at least to the people living in the home!) regardless of who completes the tasks, and I don't like it when they are just brushed away as nothing. (Again, I don't think people in this thread are saying that)

Even though I'm an academic, I struggle a lot with housekeeping and general picking up after myself, so maybe that colors my view, but if I come home to a clean living room, I feel like I accomplished something.

[demgirl]

That's interesting. I will say that, if we have children, my husband and I have considered homeschooling an option. If we were to go that route, though, our reasoning would be more rooted in the thought that we would be able to provide more customized, one-on-one instruction than in a traditional class setting (and again, we've made no decisions, nor do we have children) than in thinking the school system is "evil" and "liberal".

Well, I can respect that. We have secular home schooling moms on here (and religious ones) who homeschool for that very reason -- to give their children what they think will be the best education. And I can't think of a problem with that offhand, except that I think parents who aren't dilligent enough about providing social opportunities to homeschooled kids and wider opportunities to learn "controversial" opinions that don't tow the parent's line (whichever side those controversies fall on) are doing the children a disservice.

But if you stick around, even as a lurker, you will see that there are parents who simply brag about giving their children a sub-standard education and call that biblical. And I have no problem saying that is just straight up wrong.

This whole heels thing is sorta meh to me (besides sympathy for those in physical pain.) I hate heels. I won't wear them, even for work, which makes me stand out among female lawyers, but there it is. I trip, I fall, they hurt... I just won't do it. And I don't think I should be forced to. But I have friends, who are totally secular and atheist, that wear the damn things every single day. It makes them feel good so they do it. And I even have a friend who is a stay at home mom, sort of culturally Jewish but mostly atheist, and she wears them because a. she loves them and b. her husband loves them. Whatever. I mean, if I were married and my husband loved a certain perfume and it didn't hurt me at all to wear it, I probably would. Now if there's a legitimate claim that I should wear that perfume if it was going to give me hives and make me sneeze and hurt my head, that would be a different story. Much like with the heels -- if there's a claim that if your husband wants you to wear them, and they physically hurt you in some way, but that you should still do it anyway, well then that's absurd. If that hypo husband is putting his desire to see his wife in heels over her physical needs and comfort, then he's not loving her the way the Bible says he has to and he's not holding up his end of the bargain. And it's silly to submit to someone who has no interest in making the "biblical way of life" a mutual obligation.

[DamnPrecious]

Holy lots of makeup, Batman!!! Man, I cannot fathom spending that much on something that gets washed down the drain.

Really? I tend to wear a lot of make-up (I don't wear it at home or running errands). I'd probably be up in tranny territory to you. I'm a Cosmetologist, it is actually my job to look good. lol

[antifundie]

I wear a fair amount of makeup as well. Won't leave the house without it, in fact.

[Witsec6]

Really? I tend to wear a lot of make-up (I don't wear it at home or running errands). I'd probably be up in tranny territory to you. I'm a Cosmetologist, it is actually my to look good. lol

I, too, wear lots of makeup. Sadly, I don't have the training to do anything other than my basic look, but that includes "full" makeup: foundation, concealer, cheeks, eyes, lips, etc. My husband and I both work, though, and we have no kids or mortgage payments.

[Annette]

My daily makeup application is moisturizer, concealer, powder, eyeliner, eyeshadow, mascara, and blush. Every day without fail whether I leave the house or not :oops: . Foundation and lipstick do not happen, though. I buy only the basic cheap stuff though, such as Cover Girl, Maybelline or Revlon.

[longskirtlotsakids]

I don't know if this will come out right, but it's something that has really been bothering me lately, both in secular society and in fundie-dom--and it's the idea that household (or, traditionally "women's work") is decorative or fluffy. I'm not talking about pink glitter pumpkins, but more about a clean house, well-managed finances, nourishing meals--these are things I want, (and try to take care of) because I feel that they are important to my (and my husband's) overall happiness.

I'm not speaking of the women on FJ or of Brittany, but rather a culture at large that sometimes seems to dismiss the importance of these activities. I think that's changing a bit, but I still feel sometimes that those activities are looked down upon as not "real work"--unless, of course, somebody is paid to do them.

I.

No, I see where you are coming from, although my view is more from a practical living standpoint than a happiness perspective. I do fear that people today are losing the ability to take care of themselves- and I am not talking brazilian waxes and though toning- I am talking subsistence living and even basic cooking/cleaning skills. Likewise, bodily health is vital to take care of one's self- it is very hard to do physical labor when crippled. This is why Brittany irked me so much- she's 23, little, and cute. Wait until she's 40 and has some real living behind her. I have a feeling she's going to look back and think "Holy shit, I can;t believe I wore high heels for his happiness" as she waits in the prep room for her bunion surgery,

[skankbiscuit]

Her mother still wears high heels everyday, so I don't think Brittany will stop. She seems eager to please mom.

[formergothardite]

As to the Duggars: I don't spend a lot of time watching them, so I can't speak to this thoroughly, but from what I can tell from TV, it would seem that they don't raise their voices at their children and that the atmosphere at home is generally positive. They aren't divorced...not that I'm condemning anyone who is, but I think most people, including myself, agree that it's not generally healthy for children. They view every child as a gift from God, which is probably a healthy view for the children's self-esteem (although if it's true that they don't educate their girls, that's probably a mitigating factor).

I would say that the positivity generally exhibited in their interactions is their most admirable quality, in my opinion. Of course, as I said, I don't watch them often, and I don't know that their television representation is necessarily accurate.

It isn't. Everything you wrote (except for the divorce thing) is just an illusion created by TLC and the Duggars. If they really showed them blanket training their babies people would be horrified. If Michelle keeps that sweet voice all the time it is only because she barely spends time with her kids. It is easy to be sugar sweet all the time if you have someone else to do all the cleaning, cooking, child care and schooling. They claim to view children as a gift from God, but their actions show otherwise.

[High-Heeled HW]

I wouldn't say that I'm "eager to please mom" (although I am eager to please my husband), but she does have a very happy, vibrant marriage after 25 years, so I do tend to want to emulate her.

[skankbiscuit]

I tend to look to my mom too. Glad you 2 are close.

[High-Heeled HW]

Okay, folks, I just wanted to let you know that I'll be bowing out of this thread now. I wanted to chime in long enough to answer some questions and provide my perspective on some things, but as a rule, I find that participating in forums regularly eats away at my time before I know it, so I try not to make it a habit.

I appreciate the respectful comments and questions. Great discussion!

[skankbiscuit]

I will say, it does seem you may have some really high standards to live up to as far as your mom goes. Hopefully she has given you a lot more advice past the superficial looks stuff (I haven't seen it in your blog, I could be completely wrong.) I seem to remember your mom's advice to was to always wear heel and never look frumpy. Of course, we don't see every aspect of your relationship with your mom, either but she comes across as shallow when you read your blog.

[anniebgood]

I've been married 25 years too Brittany but I don't wear heels anymore unless they are cloddy grandma kinds. I wore high heels when I was working with the public and killed my feet. Now I wear sandals that support my arches or barefoot at home. My mom used to wear nursing shoes when she worked in anesthesia and now can't wear anything but flats...she's 86 and has horrible back problems.

Don't dismiss the future health problems heels can cause. In 40 years you'll be wondering why your feet hurt so bad.

Good luck to your husband in law school, I hope he will pass the bar when the time comes and get into a field that won't take him away from home 12 hours a day so he can make partner and support you in the style you want to be accustomed to.

[duplessis3]

It is probably too late now, but Britney, do a woman who is more than twice your age, and been with her husband for longer than you have been alive a solid, and not give any more marriage advice.