Separate bank accounts? Not in God's plan for marriage!

[Katiebug]

We tried the "yours, mine, and ours" method of banking when we first married and within a year and a half we went to a joint savings and joint checking account. We had a substantial income difference when we married and using a percentage system or each paying a proportional share of the bills just didn't work well. Well, it worked, but I was growing resentful of the fact that most of our bills were covered by "my" money because at the time I earned several times what he did (he worked his way through college for the first few years of our marriage). I found that when we simply had "our" money it helped me deal with those negative feelings and we worked more as a team when making financial choices. We still have an income disparity, although not nearly as much as it used to be, and we're both happy with working from a pool. It works for us.

Also, my husband doesn't like financial management and I do. He has access to everything in case something happens but is content to leave the day-to-day cash flow management and bill paying up to me.

In case anyone is worried about the implications of a joint account in the event of a death, check with your bank. It is very common today for new checking or savings accounts to be set up as joint with right of survivorship which means that there is no freeze on the account if one party dies and the funds remain available. Banks do not routinely freeze joint accounts upon the death of one account holder unless told to by a government agency (Social Security, IRS, etc.).

Prior to my marriage, one of my parents was joint on my bank accounts just in case something happened so that they would have immediate access to my money. Likewise, I am joint on my brother's investment accounts at our local bank (he is single and in the military) for sake of convenience with transactions that I can make for him at the branch rather than going through a convoluted process of getting paperwork notarized and mailed. Because I have a good relationship with my brother and there is mutual trust it's an arrangement that works for him at this stage of his adult life.

As a practical matter how would our bank even know if my husband passed away? We do virtually all of our banking online between direct deposit, online bill pay, and automatic debit programs for major expenses. We both have our own debit cards for the checking account and the ability to log into the online system. Perhaps if one has to go to a branch often to make transactions it would be different but I know that if (God forbid) Mr. Bug kicked the bucket, informing the bank of that fact would not be tops on my list of priorities. I'd get to it soon due to the tax implications but since our joint accounts have right of survivorship it would simply become an individual account.

[Kitchen Princess]

That's a good thing to have, I don't think it exists everywhere, though. It probably was to prevent cases like my grandma who found herself widowed with 4 teens and no access to money.

I am 99% certain it exists for cash accounts in every state, but with differing requirements and eligibilities. I'm sure you have to ask for it at your bank.

[Kitchen Princess]

"As a practical matter how would our bank even know if my husband passed away?"

I've always wondered about that myself. If I suddenly died at a hospital from the result of a car wreck, there is no entity in charge of notifying all my various accounts that I have left this earth. They only call next-of-kin, so WHO does it?

I can see it happening in a small town, where everyone knows everyone, in the 1960s. But now I think it would be a horrible invasion of privacy and downright breach of etiquette to freeze the bank account of a woman whose husband has passed away without so much as a how-do-you-do, based on the idea that you heard that he'd died from a customer in line.

[salsa]

Legalism is as legalism does... creates rigid roles that we must fit into rather than finding what works best for our own situations. It doesn't matter if it's money, clothing, food, voting, hairstyles, or child-rearing; the object is to conform to some standard that some self-avowed guru has decided is right because of his (and occasionally her) interpretation of whatever scripture s/he deems to be holy.

When and if these women have made their own choice to embrace the lifestyle, I have little sympathy for whatever results they reap - including creating their own dependency and isolation - but when they are brainwashed and don't really grasp any other way to be is when it angers me. (of course one could make an argument that any woman who makes this choice is brainwashed and not "informed")

ok - time for me to get going; I'm starting to ramble.

Sensible people figure out whatever works for them.

[TinyDancer87]

If being "one flesh" means to share everything, literally, well then heck, lets take it one step further:

Me and my husband will share one toothbrush amongst us.

Now that's biblical! :roll:

[browngrl]

^This

Oh, and each partner needs her/his [or his/his or her/her] own money. Not just for fun, but for an emergency. My parents get the same amount each month for personal spending. Dad and Mom are good savers. My dad keeps his in the joint account. My mom's is separate. My mom calls her personal savings account her "Screw You" account. Dad being a douche and she wants out? Screw You account! Dad died and the joint and other accounts are frozen? Screw You account! Mom wants to buy herself/ pay for something that falls out of the purview of the household or joint account? Screw You account!

We all need our own personal Screw You accounts [if/when economically feasible].

I always tell my young nieces and nephews that they must always be sure to the "Fuck off" factor. Which is exactly the "Screw you" account except it also applies to jobs, education and life in general. Someone in your life being a douche and you want to move on - "Fuck off" Factor. Great minds think alike!

[formerlyfundie]

I'll never understand why they think that being married means you have to stop being you.

We have one bank account, and have since we got married since I stay at home- but I also am the one who manages the bills and does the budgeting. We don't really fight about money, we share it, seeing as we are two separate people with two separate sets of needs. I also babysit on the side so that money is put away for me to do what I want with it- I have it stashed away. Once upon a time though, I did give into the whatever my headship wants thing because I thought marriage was nothing but devotion to my husband's every need. I was the lesser gender after all. After doing this for a while my husband LOST it and called me out saying he didn't marry a slave or a robot that only cares about him and not myself- he wanted me back. ( :clap: I applaud him for not being an idiot and feeding into my fundie obsession) Anyway we see now that marriage is two people coming together in love for a common goal- whatever that may be. Sure, we are a unit, we are one flesh, but we are two minds, two hearts, two people- fundies think that the only person who really matters is the man since he will be the one held ~accountable at the end of the day.

[kayray]

I think couples need to do what works for them. To me the important thing is that you both are comfortable with your arrangements and practice financial honesty.

I have had separate accounts with a past partner, but have had a mix of joint and separate with my husband ever since before we were married. All our income and expenses come out of our joint accounts, joint credit cards, and so on, but we also have separate credit cards and accounts. We have joint and separate savings, but the separate savings is out of necessity (RRSPs). However, to be quite honest, we really do not use the separate accounts or cards except for a surprise gift or something of that sort and then after the surprise element is no longer necessary we just pay it out of the joint.

I do not believe being joint means that you lose freedom. For us, we have a budget we have worked out together, and that we revisit regularly, where we have made commitments to certain savings, making sure there is a certain amount in account for expenses at all times, debt repayments (student loans), and all that. However, neither of us needs permission to buy anything as long as it is in our budget (our "fun money" budget, though out of consideration we do tell each other what is going on. We do talk about any major purchases as that affects our overall financial health and budget plans.

I truly consider our incomes OUR incomes. Incidentally, I do make considerably more than my husband, at least I have for the last handful of years since he took an early retirement from the military, but I do not feel that gives me more "right" to the income than him or anything of that nature or feel at ALL resentful. I view us as a partnership, even with shared accounts. My husband is incredibly supportive of my own career goals and I also know he works hard - just because his income is lower does not mean he works any less than I do! I do not think that sharing finances means I have stopped being ME!

We both are fully aware of what is going on with our financial status. My husband does handle most of the day to day payments and so on, however, I am fully apprised of what is going on and fully capable of handling them (I lived on my own many years and handled it in a previous relationship) but he actually enjoys logging in to the accounts regularly to see how things are and keeping track of all the payments...and I don't as I have too many other things to keep track of with work!

We quite honestly do not fight/have power struggles about money or anything of that sort. We are not at all controlling over each other when it comes to the finances. We keep the communication ongoing about our finances, share similar financial goals, and are very comfortable with how we have arranged our budget. It works for us. I prefer this way to the way I did have it with an ex partner where we were separate for many reasons, but people need to figure out what works for them.

I am not even going to get into the craziness of their views on women and men having their own careers, possibly around members of the opposite sex. I work with many men. My husband works with several women. Our primary relationship and commitment is with each other and working around people of the opposite sex is a non-issue.

[emmiedahl]

My husband and I had both separate and joint accounts for the first several years of our marriage. I was paid twice a month, so I would put one check in each. My husband is an accounting nazi and gets frustrated with my inability to maintain records of what I spend. So he had total control of the household account and paid bills with it. My account was used for groceries, kid stuff and my own expenses. It worked well for us.

We have only a joint account now, and it takes some coordinating. He still does the finances because I suck at it, but I am the main wage earner and also the main shopper for the family. It's hard not knowing if I need to work more to pay certain bills, he never realizes until the last minute and then I am up all night looking for writing jobs. But in general, it works for us.

Both systems worked well. I think the fundie women are just scandalized that some working women can buy their kids a pair of shoes (even brand name, full price, the horror!) without any 'accountability' from their headship.

[LucySnowe]

Also, my husband doesn't like financial management and I do. He has access to everything in case something happens but is content to leave the day-to-day cash flow management and bill paying up to me.

I've just filled out the forms to put my husband on my accounts, exactly for the reason 'if something happens' - or if I'm on a trip without him (shock, horror, a married woman traveling on her own) and he needs to handle something financially. But for a variety of reasons - partly because he moved into my place and everything was set up in my name and getting anything changed to his would be a huge hassle, and partly because I'm just more interested in the bill paying - we have separate accounts, and he transfers his share of the rent + expenses to me every month, and we are both happy with this arrangement.

In general, I think the thing I loathe most about fundiedom is the overwhelmingly dominant narrative that rigidly defined gender roles (far more restrictive for women) are the only right way.

[Destiny]

If being "one flesh" means to share everything, literally, well then heck, lets take it one step further:

Me and my husband will share one toothbrush amongst us.

Now that's biblical! :roll:

OH HELL NO! *shudders in horror. I'll stick with being two people thanks!

Sorry for derail, but I literally shuddered and had to share. Haha!

[penguinagogo]

if you cohabit with someone you tend to end up sharing about 90% of your gut flora

tis gods way