Focus on the Family: Still Undermining Moms in 2012

[treemom]

I think bringing up abducted children is rather inflammatory.

Meh, ok. I was just explaining the comparison.

Personally I think the whole thing is bullshit. I don't need a credential-less mother to tell me how to speak to my child on a flight. She is an ass for judging people on rather superficial things.

[CC3]

I agree, treemom. I listened to the rest of the show and didn't hear anything offensive. I don't know why FotF included her piece.

[MamaJunebug]

Meh, ok. I was just explaining the comparison.

Personally I think the whole thing is bullshit. I don't need a credential-less mother to tell me how to speak to my child on a flight. She is an ass for judging people on rather superficial things.

Thanks, treemom, for this and for your first reply to CC3, which said it perfectly.

CC3, "inflammatory"? Not IMHO, having been closer to the case than I would've liked and after carefully considering the way I brought up the abduction to the way Mrs. Barnier insinuated all kinds of judgments... Yes, I'd prefer to be "Inflammatory" than smug & snide.

[clarinetpower]

I don't think it was inflammatory whatsoever. MamaJunebug's point was abundantly clear to me. The Rapist Abductor had what appeared to be an easy, organic relationship with the boy. No one suspected a thing. You can't always tell someone's relationship from observing 20 minutes of them interacting. Sometimes you get some clues, sometimes you get some false information. There's no way to know for sure.

Ms. Barnier made assumptions; she didn't KNOW. She says her nugget of wisdom was the realization that being "on" and teaching all the time was too much pressure, and she wanted to have a good relationship with her child--fine. There's nothing wrong with the moral of the story. But the way she described the mother/son interaction, she made it quite clear what that woman was doing wrong in her eyes. She showed no empathy or sympathy for the mother; she didn't try to imagine a situation other than what she assumed was correct based on obvious visual cues. She implied that this mother's priorities were out of whack based on what she wore, how she was groomed, and the fact that she was searching for lots of teachable moments. Also, the mother did not interact with HER, while the father did. The father/son interaction was given much more praise and leeway.

Like I said earlier, perhaps this mother was going to her own mother's funeral and that's why she was dressed as she was. Perhaps she was doing everything she could to distract herself and hold it together. Perhaps her child's teacher had told her he needed more stimulation. Perhaps he was a kid that thrived on academic stimulation all the time. Perhaps her husband had just left her and she was flying home to live with family because she had nowhere to go, but darn it if she wasn't going to look good in an attempt to feel good. We have no idea. If Ms. Barnier had made more of an attempt to engage the woman, or had prayed for her and any challenges she might be facing out of the goodness of her heart and a sincere wish to serve this woman, I think I wouldn't have a problem with what she took from the two situations. As she illustrated it, I felt very unbalanced and irritated that she would be judgmental of the woman in the suit.

[MamaJunebug]

I agree, treemom. I listened to the rest of the show and didn't hear anything offensive. I don't know why FotF included her piece.

CC3, I only heard a bit of the feature before - it seemed very helpful for families in which a stepfather is doing a better job than the biological father.

All that said, I also don't know why Focus included her. Don't they know the old (Biblical) saying, "A little leaven leavens the whole loaf"? :?

Mrs. Barnier's cred is that she figured out how to educate her son, who had apparently a bad case of ADHD that was inescapable, as both his father and his father's father had the same disorder before him. I won't try to guess what was going through her mind at the mother - never mind whether she was "impeccable" or in a soiled frumper - but I will say that had Mrs. Barnier told me her idea for a Focus featurette, I would've strongly encouraged her to edit so that it went something like this;

+ It's often difficult to keep a child in good behavior

+ ... especially in a stressful situation like air travel

+ ... but what helps is knowing the child's temperament and personality

+ ... I saw a mom who made every interaction "a learning experience" and her son was a good traveler because of it

+ ... depending on the child, a parent might want to bring Cheerios or soft dolls or buy a little liquor for the Enfamil (JOKING!!!!)

+ ... it's a bit of trouble to pre-plan and prepare, but the payoff is worth it:

+ ... like the 16-yo and his dad who were having a pleasant flight. I just had the feeling that the boy's parents had been attentive to his needs from little on up, and what a pleasant time son and dad were having on their flight.

Would Mrs. Barnier have listened to me? *shrug* If I had the Focus backing to say, "Do it MJB's way or don't get on the air," probably. Otherwise, who knows?

I do appreciate your dissenting opinion, CC3, in part because it brings up a cautionary tale to FotF PTB: Careful what you include in your programming; remember the "little leaven...."

[MandyLaLa]

I listened to Ms. Barnier on the podcast. IMO, the point she was trying to make is good communication and learning is not just about facts and information, but knowing your kid's interests and meeting them there with a loving spirit. I think her examples weren't the best because of the age differences of the kids and because she didn't know either family she was observing. This story is just one woman's opinion. I don't understand why the original poster was using a reference about a kidnapped child. It didn't make any sense.

And neither do you. What if the toddler loves facts and random info and that is the absolute best way to relate to him.

[MamaJunebug]

I don't think it was inflammatory whatsoever. MamaJunebug's point was abundantly clear to me. The Rapist Abductor had what appeared to be an easy, organic relationship with the boy. No one suspected a thing. You can't always tell someone's relationship from observing 20 minutes of them interacting. Sometimes you get some clues, sometimes you get some false information. There's no way to know for sure.

Ms. Barnier made assumptions; she didn't KNOW. She says her nugget of wisdom was the realization that being "on" and teaching all the time was too much pressure, and she wanted to have a good relationship with her child--fine. There's nothing wrong with the moral of the story. But the way she described the mother/son interaction, she made it quite clear what that woman was doing wrong in her eyes. She showed no empathy or sympathy for the mother; she didn't try to imagine a situation other than what she assumed was correct based on obvious visual cues. She implied that this mother's priorities were out of whack based on what she wore, how she was groomed, and the fact that she was searching for lots of teachable moments. Also, the mother did not interact with HER, while the father did. The father/son interaction was given much more praise and leeway.

Like I said earlier, perhaps this mother was going to her own mother's funeral and that's why she was dressed as she was. Perhaps she was doing everything she could to distract herself and hold it together. Perhaps her child's teacher had told her he needed more stimulation. Perhaps he was a kid that thrived on academic stimulation all the time. Perhaps her husband had just left her and she was flying home to live with family because she had nowhere to go, but darn it if she wasn't going to look good in an attempt to feel good. We have no idea. If Ms. Barnier had made more of an attempt to engage the woman, or had prayed for her and any challenges she might be facing out of the goodness of her heart and a sincere wish to serve this woman, I think I wouldn't have a problem with what she took from the two situations. As she illustrated it, I felt very unbalanced and irritated that she would be judgmental of the woman in the suit.

Particularly well analyzed, clarinetpower.

1) Mrs. Barnier's experience in mothering has been for a son with apparently severe ADHD. The groomed mother's interaction with her 3-year-old would have been unworkable in Mrs. Barnier's world.

2) We don't know what the ineraction was beetween Barnier and ImpeccableWoman. Possibly Impeccable wasn't interested in chatting wtih Barnier. Perhaps Barnier offered some of her wise words and was met with less-than-warm reception.

3) Mrs. B praises the man for all his actions: Toward his son and toward his seatmate, herself. The woman gets plaudits for .... having put herself together well and not-ignoring her son.

I think that's a big part of what disappointed me so severely about the featurette. The bias was couched in words and terms of concern and correction. That's the very sort of thing I used to hear my mom and her sisters cluck about women: We were underhanded, we weren't direct. Or as a Southern friend boasted of her own self, "I can tell you go to Hell in such manner as will make you look forward to the trip."

But that's just me. The older I get, the more inclined I am to be frank (you be earnest! ba-rump-bump) and to mince no words - all politely done. Mrs. Barnier probably needed to fill a certain amount of air time, otherwise she could've said, "That mom wasn't doing it the way I would, and that dad was kinda cute and nice to me when he wasn't talking to his teen. Advantage: that dad." ;)

[MamaJunebug]

And neither do you. What if the toddler loves facts and random info and that is the absolute best way to relate to him.

MandyLaLa, thanks for bringing that up. I was waiting for Mrs. Barnier to tell how the mom's facts-heavy communication wasn't working, and the 3-year-old became a stark raving loony in the way only 3-year-old boys can. Thus I had to surmise that the kiddo was well behaved and the mom's infomariton, while not particularly warm and affectionate on its face, was working!

[fundifugee]

That little boy is going to stand up proudly one day and tell his kindergarten class how a plane's wing works. It will be good for his self-confidence--he will be proud.

If the mom was pushing him to complete a third-grade math workbook while he was trying to scribble on paper, that would be a different matter. But they were just making conversation.

My husband does things like that with our girls all the time. Now they know a lot about the world. Way more than I do.

Maybe her problem is that the mother in question actually knew and was communicating facts. She might have been happier if the mom had said "green is green because The Lord created green," and, "God gave us pressurized metal tubes held aloft by tiny cherubim to bear us to our destination if it be the Lord's will."

[erunerune]

So, the FotF lady didn't offer to swap seats so the father & son could sit together?? The dad must've been hot.

[MamaJunebug]

All the talk about the lady in question has me researching. carolbarnier.com

She and her husband have three children, all of whom she homeschools.

She herself has some kind of attention disorder. (I'm including the following lines from her website because they tickle me -- she sure does! See if you can spot the evidence(s).

Eventually came to realize that the apple hadn't fallen too far from the tree and she learned to come to grips with her own distractibleness-- which prefers to call Gloriously Nonlinear--thank you very much.

My guess is that she has a pretty good sense of humor, judging from some of her speaking topics:

Help! I Fell Off My Lesson Plan-- NEW

A Prodigal Speaks Out-- NEW

A Year In Missions -- NEW

If I'm Diapering a Watermelon, Then Where'd I Put the Baby?

Oddly Wrapped Gifts--finding God's gifts in tough moments

Margin for Moms, Liberating Limits

Tin Can Travels: Lessons Learned during a 4 month RV trip with family.

Don't Miss The Gift In This Child (Keynote)

H-E-L-P! How Do I Teach This Highly Distractible Child?

Empowering the Shy Child

Teaching a Child to Read Made Easy

If Thou Seekest Thee Deep Appreciation, Goest Thou Quickly and Buyest Thee A Dog.

Finally, not to put too fine a point on it ... she's a nice-looking woman who "would really 'pop'" with a bit of .... impeccable grooming. I say the foregoing without any malice, as it has been said of me a thousand times over. :?

At this point, given what I've read about her, I'd really enjoy sitting down with her and talking about her recent FotF debacle feeature. Granted, I might hear myself described on her next feature ["She was a, shall we say, uniquely groomed, crone-ish type of person who took pride somehow in having permitted some of her children to attend {shudder!} public schools simply because they became engineers ...."] but it'd be worth it! :) :D

....and erunerune, that hot-dad thought had occurred! :lol:

[MandyLaLa]

Maybe her problem is that the mother in question actually knew and was communicating facts. She might have been happier if the mom had said "green is green because The Lord created green," and, "God gave us pressurized metal tubes held aloft by tiny cherubim to bear us to our destination if it be the Lord's will."

Don't forget if the plane crashes it's G-Ds will punishing all those female heathens on board!

[MrsYoungie]

"Her son mentioned the plane's wing, the mother talked about how the air goes over the wing. He showed her a green thing he'd colored, she told him that blue and yellow make green."

I wonder what she would have thought if the mother talked about how God holds the plane's wing, or how God made the grass green. Would that have been a more "organic" conversation?

per pen dick u lar!!!

[2xx1xy1JD]

Is Focus on the Family ever planning to have a feature on "Judge Not, lest ye be judged?" There's plenty to say about not jumping to conclusions, giving others the benefit of the doubt, etc.

They could have also made a better point using better examples. Parent A pushes a young child to engage in an activity or gives a long-winded explanation long after the child has clearly lost interest, while Parent B responds to the child's cues. Parent C, meanwhile, ignores child in order to fiddle with iPhone and chat with friend, forcing child to throw a tantrum to get attention. It's not hard to find examples like this, and the point about connecting with children would be made. The rash assumptions and sexism and apples-to-oranges comparison of a 3 yr old to 16 yr old distract from that message.

I wouldn't complaining about any parent on a plane, btw, unless they were wearing headphones while ignoring their child, and then responding to the resulting whining by feeding the tot Coke, followed by wondering why the child isn't going to sleep.

I also think that children are naturally curious, and many are more capable of intelligent conversation than we tend to assume. If it comes up in conversation, and the parent is engaged with the child (as opposed to child falling asleep as teacher drones on), many kids will be pleased to learn something and happy to be treated like a big person.

[Kaylee]

Some people's "organic" conversations and interactions just look like that. I remember being in a restaurant while I was pregnant and thinking it was odd that a family seated near us was either explaining something to or quizzing their kids the whole time we were there but, now, I see myself becoming one of those moms.

All of the baby books and things say that talking to your children is crucial, but sometimes you run out of things to say or just get tired of "The ball is red, look at the big red ball.." type stuff. I remember sitting in the car one day when my son was about 14 months, explaining mortgage loans to him because hearing my voice kept him calm when the car wasn't moving and I had no clue what else to talk about.

He's 23 months now and sometimes we talk or sing silly songs or babble. Other times, I explain things to him or show him how the work, or tell him what the words for something are in Spanish, Russian, German, or Gaelige. Either way, we're talking, he's learning and enjoying it, and it all feels perfectly "organic" to me.

[desertvixen]

All of the baby books and things say that talking to your children is crucial, but sometimes you run out of things to say or just get tired of "The ball is red, look at the big red ball.." type stuff. I remember sitting in the car one day when my son was about 14 months, explaining mortgage loans to him because hearing my voice kept him calm when the car wasn't moving and I had no clue what else to talk about.

Yes. Or when I needed to get history class readings done and she wanted attention...

[MamaJunebug]

One of my fondest memories is my brother, leaning into my eldest daughter's crib, and telling her all about the project he was going to present at law school that afternoon. Juniorette was all of 3 months old and cooing and kicking and batting her arms in glee that Uncle was talking to her. She could not have had any idea what he was telling her -- his presence and attention were what she loved.

Nothing else to say -- the mortgage and history stories just reminded me of mine. <3 :)