Focus on the Family: Still Undermining Moms in 2012

[MamaJunebug]

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/ ... ndMagazine

Having last listened to FotF a year ago, and having heard a heartfelt commentary by a FotF presenter about the great job his mom, who worked outside the home, did, I left the car radio tuned to the program today.

I was in for a reality check. Carol Barnier, introduced as some kind of authority, began to tell the story of "a very well groomed businesswoman" who was on an airplane flight with the woman's 3-year-old son. First uneasy moment: what did it matter that the businesswoman was groomed? But I listened on.

"Every moment was a teachable moment between them," Mrs. Barnier continued. She speaks in a normal tone, not singsony, not falsetto, so I listened on. Anyway, aren't teachable moments good things?

"Her son mentioned the plane's wing, the mother talked about how the air goes over the wing. He showed her a green thing he'd colored, she told him that blue and yellow make green."

I listened on: I liked this. Evidently the well groomed businesswoman-mom knew her child enjoyed getting little nuggets of info, and she obliged.

But Carol Barnier, it turns out, wasn't happy about this. Though she had no criticism of the boy - she never said he got impatient with his mom or became a nuisance to other pasengers - the mom was providing too much teaching. There was nothing natural about it. Bless me, Barnier may even have criticized the interaction between mother and son as "not organic."

In contrast!!!!! On a later flight, she was seated next to a man whose 16-year-old son was in the seat ahead of the man. While the man was polite to her, he was warm and cordial and informal and loving and organic with his son in the seat ahead.

She could see that the man truly loved his son (unspoken: the impeccably groomed working mom loved her son, but not truly) and chatted with him, while the woman had been bound'n'determined to frantically (Mrs. Barnier's perception, if not exact word) pour every bit of information available into her son, demanding of him that he become some kind of super-over-achiever.

Carol Barnier's words of abjuration and criticism droned on, I was in heavy traffic in the rain and would've killed myself if, in reaching to mute the radio, I caused any kind of hazard.

So I tuned her out as best I could, but I felt another micron of tooth enamel getting ground away.

What did Carol Barnier know about the impeccably groomed businesswoman-mom? Was she sure the woman was in business? Perhaps she was just the kind of person who dresses to the nines?

What did Barnier know about the b-mom's plan for her son? Maybe the mom knew - stay with me, here, a working mom would know this - that her son has a high capacity for new information and processes things well.

What did Carol Barnier know about the boy? Maybe hearing new info every couple of minutes is what b-mom knows her son needs to keep him quiet and well behaved and happy. Maybe he's got a 200 IQ and the sort of personality that would respond to a cloying, 'Oo, yes, Jameson, the big wide wing of de pwetty pwane is biiiiiiiig!' with irritation and disdain.

I heard Mrs. Barnier conclude by exhorting her listeners to show the kind of loving attention to their children as the dad of the 16-year-old son did, to build the kind of trust and respect that results in such easy, intimate conversation even in front of strangers.

What did she know for sure about the boy and his dad? I cringed to think of the 10-year-old kid who was abducted, and for the next four years sexually abused and mentally tortured by a single man who introduced the child as his son. When the boy was 14, through the providence of God (JMHO), he was discovered and freed when police folllowed a lead on yet another young boy the pedophile had abducted.

Neighbors said that for four years, they had taken the pedo's word that the boy who suddenly appeared was his son, now in his legal custody; they had observed nothing odd about the pair on the occasions that they arrived and departed from the apartment complex.

Security-tape footage was found of the pedo and the boy entering and leaving a nearby store, looking for all the world like an unremarkable father and son, chatting easily. Nobody ever reported having seen anything but calm interactions between the two.

My point? Carol Barnier observed a man and a 16-year-old boy communicating with ease; she knew nothing about their true relationship.

She knew nothing about the true relationship between the impeccably groomed mom and her 3-year-old boy.

But boy, she sure made some major assumptions, and she recorded them, and Focus on fouling up the Family sure promoted them!

Was a gender bias evident? I say so. A bias against a mom who seemed to have it all together, and to have a life outside the home, in addition to her role as mom? I think, yes.

So, I look up Carol Barnier. She's the mother of a son who early showed ADHD symptoms, so badly that the original plan of having him schooled outside the home had to be scrapped in favor of her homeschooling him. She's become something of a 'been there, done that" authority by dint of her experience.

I don't discount what she's learned, or what she's able to do to help other parents in similar situations.

But I hate the piece she did for Focus this morning (4 February 2012). And I have no more illusions about FotF becoming more sensible, more mom-friendly. Are they in financial peril? *pfft!*

Sorry for the abrupt ending, but that's all I can say without more tooth-enamel loss.

Pax vobiscum, babies, and keep up the criticism of Fracture up the Family. :x

[GolightlyGrrl]

This reminds me of some of the gossipy shit Kelly Crawford observes and then uses it to educate her leg humpers.

[lilah]

Yeah Kelly Crawford would probably say she taught her kid about aeronautics because she talked to her kids about a plane.

Honestly there's no winning when it comes to being a mom. I wonder if the woman had been dressed in frumpy clothing she'd be praised for caring more about her child than her looks. Who knows though. And it's likely that the mom was being extra didactic since she was on a plane and she was trying to keep her kid from getting too antsy and wanting to run around.

[Doomed Harlottt]

Yeah, who did that uppity woman think she was anyway, being all well-groomed and all!

But seriously, Mama Junebug, this was a great post.

Doesn't it strike you how often it seems that the wingnuts think they know everything that is going on in the lives of strangers they see on the street? I often see posts proclaiming they can tell just by looking at businesswomen passing they by how miserable and unhappy they are. It takes a special kind of arrogance to think you know just by looking what a random stranger's problems are and that you know how to fix them.

[valsa]

Ummm... does this nutcase not realize that you talk to a 3 year old child in a much different way than a 16 year old? I don't have kids and even I know that.

We even have commercials running on local channels in my area that emphasis the importance of talking to babies, toddlers, and preschoolers (much in the way it sounds like this lady was talking to her son) because that's the age where they suck up a ton of information. Teenagers don't need that same sort of how-does-the-world-work conversation.

[Black Aliss]

Well put me down as one bad mama, because I would have very similar conversations with my pre-schoolers. I guess Carol Barnier would approve wholeheartedly of thatwife's relationship were her kid.

[kb2]

Um, I've flown a lot, and I've heard a LOT of parents talk that way to toddlers--both moms AND dads, dressed a variety of ways. I wish her many flights in front of a screaming child who kicks her seat, with parents who only want to react organically.

(not that I have the solution to a screaming kid, but easy small talk doesnt do it)

[GolightlyGrrl]

Yeah Kelly Crawford would probably say she taught her kid about aeronautics because she talked to her kids about a plane.

Honestly there's no winning when it comes to being a mom. I wonder if the woman had been dressed in frumpy clothing she'd be praised for caring more about her child than her looks. Who knows though. And it's likely that the mom was being extra didactic since she was on a plane and she was trying to keep her kid from getting too antsy and wanting to run around.

One of my mom friends said sometimes the worst thing about being a mom is other moms.

Believe me, I get enough shit for not having kids. I hate to think what wingnuts would think of me if I did have kids.

[clarinetpower]

What if this woman was impeccably groomed in a business suit because she was flying to a family funeral and wouldn't have time to change before heading to the church?

What if the only way she could stay calm and not cry over her loss was to focus on other things, like teaching her son about the world?

Her assumptions make me so sad. The woman was being a good mom--who is she to judge?

[emmiedahl]

I would assume that this kid is one of "those". I have one of those kids--just the facts, mom, lay off the kisses and tickles ESPECIALLY in public. I have also had children who would be joking with me, one who would be sitting with her earbuds on ignoring us while reading her latest literary obsession. The mom probably knows her son well enough to know that information is what will get him through the flight drama-free.

Also, what if she does not work outside the home at all? Maybe she is a homeschooling mom who makes everything educational. Maybe she is a SAHM who is dressed nicely because she does not want to look like a frump when she gets off the plane and is met by her stylish, single sister.

It sounds like someone is jealous of the well-dressed mother with the brilliant child and wants to find a way to feel superior.

[debrand]

My son and his wife are horrible parents. In the middle of phone conversatiosn with me, I've heard them tell their son to get things from the red container or count items with him.

Shesh. It is called being the parent of a very young child. You keep their attention while teaching them information. I always thought that was good parenting.

[Kelya]

My nephews are all over tidbits like that! I videochatted the family and talked to the kids a few weeks before Christmas, then when I called on Christmas Day we had a great conversation about how I flew in a big plane over the ocean to the yellow place (the color Slovenia was on the map)and I was flying to "Ingoo" (England) that weekend. Turns out they were concerned I was trapped inside the computer the last time I called, so my family showed them the map and talked about Europe and how we lived in North America and sang the continent song. They still sing it! "Norr Amreka! Sott Amreka! Orrup!" then they lose it around Asia and it starts to morph into Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

My point, besides the fact my nephews are adorable and I love them dearly, is that little kids want to learn all the time, because everything is so new! They've only been on this planet what, like 4 years?

(P.S- When you ask them how old they're going to be they yell "MAY!!" which is their birthday month. We're still working on that one. :P)

[LucySnowe]

Um, I've flown a lot, and I've heard a LOT of parents talk that way to toddlers--both moms AND dads, dressed a variety of ways. I wish her many flights in front of a screaming child who kicks her seat, with parents who only want to react organically.

Frankly, I don't care how they talk to the kids so long as said kid behaves. I still gently mock some posh-sounding English parents behind me on a flight from Scotland to London, who would coo things like 'look at the cars, Ben!' when we were low enough altitude to see traffic, but you know what, that kid didn't act up in any way, and I am grateful.

I've been known to compliment the parents when I discover, at the end of a long-haul flight, that there were young children directly behind me, and the only way I know it is because I've stood up to leave the plane. On the other hand, trans-Atlantic is hard on kids (heck, some grown-ups can't handle it) so I don't want to blame parents if their wee ones go a bit bonkers.

[salsa]

What did it matter what she was wearing??? Why, the better to form presumptions with, my dear!

Of course there's no way of knowing this for sure, but I can't help but wonder if the woman were dressed in a frumper, the report would have turned out much differently, with the mother hailed as a wonderful home-schooler, complete with the obligatory "public schools force bright children to be held back" line.

[MandyLaLa]

My dad was much like that mom (still is :lol: ) when I was a kid, feeding little bits of info about random things, I still remember most of it to this day. It makes me sad to think that parents would think this is wrong. Knowledge is power, the more he fed me info the more I asked for it and wanted to learn more.

[salsa]

It was just another opportunity to say: woman, bad. professional woman, really bad. professional woman with son, really, really bad.

[treemom]

Ummm... does this nutcase not realize that you talk to a 3 year old child in a much different way than a 16 year old? I don't have kids and even I know that.

We even have commercials running on local channels in my area that emphasis the importance of talking to babies, toddlers, and preschoolers (much in the way it sounds like this lady was talking to her son) because that's the age where they suck up a ton of information. Teenagers don't need that same sort of how-does-the-world-work conversation.

That was my thought.

[Hisey]

That little boy is going to stand up proudly one day and tell his kindergarten class how a plane's wing works. It will be good for his self-confidence--he will be proud.

If the mom was pushing him to complete a third-grade math workbook while he was trying to scribble on paper, that would be a different matter. But they were just making conversation.

My husband does things like that with our girls all the time. Now they know a lot about the world. Way more than I do.

[MonkeyMomma]

Um, I've flown a lot, and I've heard a LOT of parents talk that way to toddlers--both moms AND dads, dressed a variety of ways. I wish her many flights in front of a screaming child who kicks her seat, with parents who only want to react organically.

(not that I have the solution to a screaming kid, but easy small talk doesnt do it)

Um, yeah, and has this Barnier woman ever traveled alone with a toddler? You have to talk about everything - the color of the seats, the trucks on Tarmac, the clouds, etc. THEN you have to let him take pictures with your phone and read Knuffle Bunny over and over until the plane lands. Would have preferred an ill-behaved child and an indifferent parent? The woman she criticized sounds like she was working very hard to ensure a pleasant flight for all.

[Dinorah]

Well groomed or not, business woman or SAHM, that sounds like a great way to interact with a child, especially in a potentially difficult situation like a plane ride. Is she really chiding the woman for not using baby talk? And would she rather the child scream his head off while the mother vainly tried to calm him down or lost her patience.

It boils down to (maybe) working mother equals evil.

[Conuly]

(not that I have the solution to a screaming kid, but easy small talk doesnt do it)

Earplugs and heavy liquor. Pass this out liberally to all the other passengers and then cross your fingers and hope for the best.

[genericJname]

Well, biblically, women are not supposed to teach men, because they are easily led astray. You have to bend the rules a little bit to allow moms to homeschool, under the careful guidance of her husband's authority and ATI wisdom books. However, women should understand the limit to their scope of practice when it comes to teaching. Explaining the intricate workings of flight without the guidance of a godly curriculum is usurping the manly domain of engineering. :naughty:

[CC3]

I listened to Ms. Barnier on the podcast. IMO, the point she was trying to make is good communication and learning is not just about facts and information, but knowing your kid's interests and meeting them there with a loving spirit. I think her examples weren't the best because of the age differences of the kids and because she didn't know either family she was observing. This story is just one woman's opinion. I don't understand why the original poster was using a reference about a kidnapped child. It didn't make any sense.

[treemom]

I listened to Ms. Barnier on the podcast. IMO, the point she was trying to make is good communication and learning is not just about facts and information, but knowing your kid's interests and meeting them there with a loving spirit. I think her examples weren't the best because of the age differences of the kids and because she didn't know either family she was observing. This story is just one woman's opinion. I don't understand why the original poster was using a reference about a kidnapped child. It didn't make any sense.

She was basically saying you can't judge a good or bad parent simply by chit chat being organic.

[CC3]

I think bringing up abducted children is rather inflammatory.