Aren't Fundie Youth Frustrated Sexually?

[hyperactress23]

I wasn't raised fundie, but conservative Christian, and my biggest problem is actually of a different nature. Sex/puberty wasn't something that was ever discussed in my house. When I was in like, fifth or sixth grade my mom gave me a book, told me to read it and that I could skip the boy-specific chapter if I wanted, and then afterwards asked if I had any questions. (I didn't.) The only other time it was mentioned was when I started my period in the sixth grade, and my mom told me where the pads were and to change them regularly as needed. All of my "save sex until marriage" info came from church, and they talked about it enough there to last me a lifetime.

Not long after I turned sixteen my parents started making comments asking why I didn't have a boyfriend. The truth was I simply wasn't interested in guys, but since my sister was two years younger and much more interested and also my parents started dating at sixteen, I guess that wasn't sufficient. I ended up dating a guy for a couple of months right before turning seventeen, because A. I didn't want to hurt him when he asked and panicked, and B. My mom pretty much made me. My dad then typed up the "dating rules", most of which were pretty reasonable (things like my already stated curfew, dates beyond a certain radius had to be specifically approved, etc.) but others were just weird, like how the guy had to ask permission (of my parents) before he ever kissed me and stuff like that. I hoped they would scare him away, but they didn't. I just felt trapped and guilty the whole time and it should have been very obvious to everyone that I wasn't interested in him in the slightest because I wouldn't let him touch me, and I'm a very touchy person. When it finally ended I felt bad for hurting him but once again I felt free. Since then, my dad has told me on multiple occasions that "it's not a sin to date" and "you're never going to find someone to marry if you never date" and other such things, but I refuse to ever date someone again without it being what I want.

I didn't feel anything of that nature for anyone (not even "Oh, that guy's hot" or whatever) until last October, at the age of 19. It was really weird at first (still is), but I can't help but feel guilty for some reason. I don't understand it. I would understand fighting my feelings if it were a sense of "this has been what has been pushed on me forever finally happening" or something, but it's more of a "I shouldn't be feeling this; this is wrong" sort of feeling. I don't know if there's some sort of psychological explanation that I'm not seeing because I'm in the situation, but it's something that gets to me often. I hate it, because my logical side tells me "These feelings cause you to do illogical things, but they are still normal feelings", but then for some reason I can't just accept that and be happy that I've finally felt something for someone and go on with my life.

On the sexual nature, I started masturbating at 17, but I usually only desire that for like the week before my period. At home I never did it except at night in bed, and I kind of figured my parents wouldn't approve, but I didn't feel a great need to hide it either. The feelings I now have include desires of that nature, but not anything I would act on before being with a guy for a very long time in a trusting relationship, and definitely not sex before marriage. That stems from my personal trust issues though, not any sense of fear of sex or code of morality or anything.

[freejoytoo]

I remember studying that piece during my freshman or sophomore year of college. It certainly does appear to be a depiction of sexual-like joy.

Have you read The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir? I don't agree with everything in the book but there's a very interesting chapter on religious ecstasy being an outlet for sexual desire and, in some cases, masochism.

[MetalLaLa]

I was brought up with no religion at all, and being from the UK, I can't really comment on my own experiences or encounters with individuals who follow a 'fundie' lifestyle as there hasn't been much at all. However, I was never told by my parents that sex was a dirty or shameful thing, and never had 'the birds and the bees' conversation as I pretty much learnt and heard things from my friends and the media. I never had any desire to have sex before 16, and at the age of 23, and I have only ever slept with two men, one of them being my husband who I married last year. I think that trying to 'cover up' or deny sex education or a denial that it is perfectly natural to experience sexual desires and feelings in childhood and teenage years will simply make teenagers feel conflicted and scared of their feelings that they are most likely having to suppress. Sex is not the most important thing in the world, but teenagers need to know that it is not a dirty or shameful act if they choose to do it outside of marriage, for example, or being able to date casually, kiss, spend time alone, and generally getting to experience life before marriage and babies.

My parents wouldn't let me stay at my boyfriends house until I was 18, and I respected that, but they also respected and trusted me to take proper precautions and knew it was a foregone conclusion about what things I would be doing. I just fear that teenagers from fundie backgrounds fear having sex when they marry as it is the fear of the unknown, but the fact it also helps build an emotional connection that many couples enjoy before they go any further with a relationship, is something that is perhaps left to suffer when people wait until marriage and haven't experienced that sex isn't just for procreation. By the way, I have nothing against those who choose to wait until marriage at all, but I just have concerns for those who are made to feel they will be punished by God for doing stuff before marriage.

[FlorenceHamilton]

Reading this conversation has stimulated me to think of Ruth and her sister, Rachel. It seems that coming out of the fundy "box" really does open up a whole new world to many people regarding sex and sexuality.

[salsa]

I've always wondered how they could go from being nonsexual to fully sexual in a matter of hours? How gratifying could that sexual activity be if one has no knowledge of how their own body works or the complex components that make up human sexuality and sexual response. A few months back we had links to that xtian sexuality forum where woman went from zero sexuality to orgasm on their wedding night. Heck these women don't even know what a clitoris is!

I thought it was like legos

came back to add this, after seeing the Teresa of Avila statue. If you've ever worshiped in a "Spirit-filled" congregation, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that it can be a bit embarrassing for those of us less "spirit-filled" people. I always wondered if I should give them some privacy.

[tinuviel]

I thought it was like legos

came back to add this, after seeing the Teresa of Avila statue. If you've ever worshiped in a "Spirit-filled" congregation, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that it can be a bit embarrassing for those of us less "spirit-filled" people. I always wondered if I should give them some privacy.

Yup. Gotta love the God-gasm. *shudder*

I was raised fundie-lite. Definitely got the abstinence spiel, and unfortunately I fell in with a bunch of no-touching, courtshippy kind of people as a result of church camp. Certainly didn't do me any favors when I started dating in college. I had always had an all-or-nothing view of sex, and as a result I had no idea how to navigate middle ground. I didn't know how to set or discuss boundaries--on the one hand I wanted more physical intimacy, on the other hand I felt guilty, and on the other other hand the guy I was with at the time was pretty pushy. And I wasn't at ALL accustomed to saying no to men. I was taught to forcefully reject and/or break up with guys who got the slightest bit fresh, but I wasn't taught how to say "no" or talk about boundaries or desires or anything WITHIN a relationship. It was a totally miserable experience, and I'm sure lots of fundie girls are even worse off than I was in their marriages. They're not even taught to recognize their own needs and feelings, much less talk about them. :(

[Anise]

I didn't feel anything of that nature for anyone (not even "Oh, that guy's hot" or whatever) until last October, at the age of 19. It was really weird at first (still is), but I can't help but feel guilty for some reason. I don't understand it. I would understand fighting my feelings if it were a sense of "this has been what has been pushed on me forever finally happening" or something, but it's more of a "I shouldn't be feeling this; this is wrong" sort of feeling. I don't know if there's some sort of psychological explanation that I'm not seeing because I'm in the situation, but it's something that gets to me often. I hate it, because my logical side tells me "These feelings cause you to do illogical things, but they are still normal feelings", but then for some reason I can't just accept that and be happy that I've finally felt something for someone and go on with my life.

I think your experience is fairly common. I myself was not attracted to anyone until I was 18 or 19, and I've discussed it with other girls from a fundie or fundie-lite background that experienced the same thing.

To be honest, I think I had an easier time transitioning because I was sexually abused around the same time, so after going through that, I told myself, "heck with all the purity crap that says I'm worthless now" and I went ahead and kissed my first real boyfriend at 19. Course I still went through all kinds of guilt as I became more sexual with my second boyfriend/fiance.

[fluttershies]

I thought it was like legos

came back to add this, after seeing the Teresa of Avila statue. If you've ever worshiped in a "Spirit-filled" congregation, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that it can be a bit embarrassing for those of us less "spirit-filled" people. I always wondered if I should give them some privacy.

Yeah, this. It's not that I've never felt the Spirit, but for me such a private, emotional time should be, well...private. But then I don't like PDA for the same reason, I don't like being exposed to others' private moments, it makes me feel like a voyeur in a really uncomfortable way.

[SpeakNow]

While I may not be an atheist, the first part of this show explains a lot of the fundie sexual frustration in a logical manner.

652lhXizb-I

[dairyfreelife]

I doubt all fundie youth are sexually frustrated because they aren't all going to be desperate for sex. Libidos can vary in everyone and often change over time. Some teens don't have much of a libido at all and then get a much higher one in their 20s. I had a libido, moderate to high in my teens and have only noticed it really increase recently (in the last two years). It wasn't until I was past my teens that it increased. I image teens and young adults who have high libidos, even for periods of time, probably struggle with "keeping pure" and no, not just the men. The women especially have to suppress those desires in that culture. I imagine that any desire, crush, finding some young man (or woman) attractive, even a brief sexual thought would be met with feeling the need to repent and shame. I think God wants people to feel desire for sex. No sex means no babies and that means no more humans to populate the Earth.

However, I think they are sexually confused. They are raised to fear anything related to sex and it's all evil and sinful. Then they are told to go from sometimes holding hands to first kiss to sexual intercourse all in one night and be told this is what is required just seems very dysfunctional. It's one thing to have a one night stand where it's only involving sex without any emotional commitment, but these people, who hardly know each other, are supposed to fall madly in love and live the rest of their lives together without any real option for divorce, because that's sinful. They are supposed to go from nothing, not even allowed to be alone together, to being alone with this other person of the opposite sex, supposed to hold hands and then kiss that person. Then they are in a bedroom, alone with the opposite sex when they are told their whole lives to never be alone "because it could be led to sinful behaviour" and now they are supposed to do that "sinful" thing.

If anything makes Fundie youth frustrated, it has to be their extreme emphasis on sex to the point of obsession. It would make me very frustrated.

[doggie]

I was thinking about this topic when i woke up. In order to prevent a child with a high libido from secretly masturbating or having sexual thoughts, the parent will have to use shame, threats or violence and fear. I can't imagine what long term effect this has on the adult child.

you forgot no alone time multiples in a bedroom no locked doors no alone time in the shower. camera's in the room and so forth.

[hyperactress23]

I think your experience is fairly common. I myself was not attracted to anyone until I was 18 or 19, and I've discussed it with other girls from a fundie or fundie-lite background that experienced the same thing.

To be honest, I think I had an easier time transitioning because I was sexually abused around the same time, so after going through that, I told myself, "heck with all the purity crap that says I'm worthless now" and I went ahead and kissed my first real boyfriend at 19. Course I still went through all kinds of guilt as I became more sexual with my second boyfriend/fiance.

All the girls I was raised with seemed to have no trouble feeling attracted to guys as young as junior high, so it has always felt like I'm the only one... I still don't look at guys and find them overly attractive or anything, I just feel attracted to this one guy. And the fact that I want him physically doesn't really make me feel guilty, the attraction to him does. Part of me thinks it's because I've been on his end before and I know how much it sucks to have someone feel so strongly for you when you don't feel that way about them, and I hate doing that to him, but I don't know if that's the only reason for the guilt or not... :eusa-think:

[fluttershies]

All the girls I was raised with seemed to have no trouble feeling attracted to guys as young as junior high, so it has always felt like I'm the only one... I still don't look at guys and find them overly attractive or anything, I just feel attracted to this one guy. And the fact that I want him physically doesn't really make me feel guilty, the attraction to him does. Part of me thinks it's because I've been on his end before and I know how much it sucks to have someone feel so strongly for you when you don't feel that way about them, and I hate doing that to him, but I don't know if that's the only reason for the guilt or not... :eusa-think:

Do you know this guy well? It sounds a lot like demi-sexuality, which I have.

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.ph ... Demisexual

I get the urge to ~release sexual tension from time to time but it seems to be a purely biological motive to clean the sexual pipes, so to speak - I'm never aroused because of a person. I can handle orgasms myself so a relationship is unnecessary for that.

[Anise]

Do you know this guy well? It sounds a lot like demi-sexuality, which I have.

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.ph ... Demisexual

I thought most people were like that. Are some people really sexually attracted to lots of people? I thought that was mostly a myth... :P

[alaeangelorum]

I thought most people were like that. Are some people really sexually attracted to lots of people? I thought that was mostly a myth... :P

I'm another person who does not look at guys in the street and think they're hot... I've only been properly attracted to one person. I think your perception of this depends on what your friends are like.

I don't really like the word 'demisexual' though - I know they apologise for it on the page but it just sounds like you're not really anything... I also don't understand this need to label every single type of sexuality.