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Aren't Fundie Youth Frustrated Sexually?


debrand

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All through my teen years I was a horny adolescent. Although I wasn't ready for sexual activity until I was 18, I thought about sex A LOT.

The purity movement encourages teens to control all their sexual desire. For most people, this is impossible and sets the person up for failure. The more a person tries not to think about something-especially a powerful urge like sex-the more likely they are going to think about it. Maturbation is off limits for many within the purity movement.

I would have been miserable with such limitations. As it was, I felt confused by the messages about good girls/whore that I absorbed from society so I felt guilty about my libido. I can't imagine how hellish it would be to believe that just thinking about sex was a sin or that I was cheating on my future spouse if I masturbated.

Parents, who lived through teen years, must know that their kids are doomed for failure. Is it that threatening to some of them that their child might have a stray sexual thought?

I know that we have exfundies among us. How did you deal with the restrictions on sexual thoughts? Were you constantly guilt ridden or were you able to prevent sexual desires? Also, how does someone go from NO sexual thoughts allowed to a normal sex life with their spouse?

Have there been any studies about people who grow up with such severe restrictions on their own thoughts?

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I've always wondered how they could go from being nonsexual to fully sexual in a matter of hours? How gratifying could that sexual activity be if one has no knowledge of how their own body works or the complex components that make up human sexuality and sexual response. A few months back we had links to that xtian sexuality forum where woman went from zero sexuality to orgasm on their wedding night. Heck these women don't even know what a clitoris is!

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Abstaining from sex is one thing, if that's what you want to do. I think fundies really do their kids a disservice by not even giving the kids an emotional vocabulary that covers sex and love. There's really no way for them to know or express their needs except in strict jender roles. If you need some poorly written sex manual on your wedding night, something is wrong!

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It must be terrifying to go from 0-100% in a matter of hours. Most of them haven't kissed each other before their wedding, some haven't even held hands for the first time. It must be so confusing to suddenly reconcile sex as something you must do after being taught it is dirty and wrong your entire life. They don't even try other stuff first before going all the way.

I can't imagine how it must be to have your libido repressed like that. The sex drive is normal and healthy and they can't even masturbate. I remember chrislukas saying that teaching teenagers safe sex would be like teaching them how to safely rob a bank. It boggles my mind that she compared healthy, consensual sex to a BANK ROBBERY. So glad I didn't grow up with that kind of pressure!

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I can tell you as I grew up fundie that by the time your 14(so about two or three years of crushes or lust or whatever you want to call it) it gets killed. Not to mention from an early age your taught that Hell is a scary place only for fornicators and murderers...It pretty much kills any libido you might want to have. I can tell you it took about 2 years after escaping with my boyfriend to actually have sex because you are so brainwashed.

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Everytime we have a thread on the Maxwell daughter(can't remember her name) who is close to thirty but still unmarried, I can't help but wonder how she handles not ever having sex. Granted she could be asexual but, if she isn't, it must be very difficult for her to think that she may never know what sex is like.

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I can say from experience that many fundie live with an enormous amount guilt about their sexual desires because they don't even know what they are. We are around sex from a very young age because we see so many presidencies and babies so we start asking questions only to be told "you are to young I'll tell you when you are older." In my mother's group of friends, they all decided 10 was the magic age to tell all their daughters about sex and periods except many of us started ours before then and were terrified when it happened to us (you know OMG i'm bleeding from my private I must be dying).

Many fundie parents are under the mistaken belief that less knowledge about sex is best and that will keep their kids from being curious but that actually has the exact opposite effect.

I can tell you the big deep dark fundie secret about sex and their kids is many of them do it. Some of them get caught because they get pregnant or they get someone pregnant then they have to confess their "sin" in front of their church. Sexual sin is one of the worst things you can do in the fundie world, I know I did it. :D I was supposed to be ashamed of it too but wasn't.

There is nowhere whatsoever in the bible that says masturbation is wrong in anyway but they preach how horrible it is.

They don't want their kids to screw but they don't them to relieve themselves either, makes no sense at all does it?

Many ask why fundie young people are in such a hurry to get married at such young ages, well this is why. No sex, no self lovin, hormones raging, run to the alter and have a very awkward wedding night (mine wasn't, I was impure and unworthy of white).

Anyway a brief insight into fundie youth sex :)

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Parents, who lived through teen years, must know that their kids are doomed for failure. Is it that threatening to some of them that their child might have a stray sexual thought?

Some of the fundies we talk about have parents who didn't seem to have fundie experience growing up. The Duggars, Maxwells, and Kristina's family are a few who come to mind. It seems these parents took religious turn at some point, and inflicted this on their kids.

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I know that we have exfundies among us. How did you deal with the restrictions on sexual thoughts? Were you constantly guilt ridden or were you able to prevent sexual desires? Also, how does someone go from NO sexual thoughts allowed to a normal sex life with their spouse?

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From my experiance of being fundie until 16, and then fundie-lite until 19,

I dealt with the restrictions on thoughts by prayer, dissassociation (basically seperated myself from myself whenever I masturbated, the "bad" Hestia and the "good" Hestia, and blaming sexual thoughts on demons etc. (my parents exorcisezed me and I tried to also exorcise myself).

I was constantly guilt ridden as I have always had a very high libido. The longest I went without masturbation since the age 11 was six months. And even then I still had sexual thoughts/dreams. An added complication was that I was bi-sexual.

When I started leaving the fundie movement I dealt with sex by intellectualizing it. I read books, magazines, the net. Fortunately I have a very open partner and we have a fantastic sex life which is pretty much now guilt free for me (thanks to counselling).

One thing I did find fascinating about the consquences of being brought up fundie, is that I was taught that everything apart from basic missionary style married sex was wrong and evil. When I decided that ideaology was wrong I became open to many things, including things that some of my liberal friends still find a bit tabboo (although I most definately have the rule that it MUST be consensual whatever you do, whether it is vanilla or BDSM). In a way, by rejecting one very restrictive paradigm, I was less likely to buy into the other more restrictive social paradigms that my friends had just by being raised in "normal" culture.

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I hesitate to call my upbringing fundie in the FJ sense of the word, perhaps fundie lite or plain conservative, but S-E-X just wasn't discussed. At all. But there was a tacit no sex before marriage understanding.

I was a late bloomer and had my first sexually charged encounter with a fellow Bible college student (we didn't go all the way...I would have, he stopped). Not long after that I "discovered" myself...ahem...and while babysitting found the book The Joy of Sex and learned a lot. A few months later after I did not return to Bible school, I had my first all-the-way experience at age 19 and it was not scary at all until he tried to put it in...lol..my secret tampon use had not fully ruptured my hymen...ouch. I did have guilt about having sex, but have never really felt much guilt or shame about masturbation.

(FWIW, I'm 53 so my experience might not be currently relevant, as Gothard was just rising in popularity in our circles, so I was spared by thismuch.)

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Yes, the 0 to 100 in one day seems strange and unhealthy to me. And the really weird thing is, it's not just about sex for a lot of these people but also about any sort of romantic feelings whatsoever. I was just watching the horrible "biblical betrothal" videos featuring the Smiths and Mortons and was really struck by something dad Smith said during Kressant's betrothal ceremony: he told his daughter that he wanted her to never talk to, develop an interest in, or even think about boys until he, her father, found the right one for her to court. This is just so beyond ridiculous! It's just not possible for a teenager to never feel any sexual or romantic feelings, so you're setting them up for horrible guilt and confusion. It really does seem to be all about the father's control, especially over his daughters, which is just icky.

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Yes, the 0 to 100 in one day seems strange and unhealthy to me. And the really weird thing is, it's not just about sex for a lot of these people but also about any sort of romantic feelings whatsoever. I was just watching the horrible "biblical betrothal" videos featuring the Smiths and Mortons and was really struck by something dad Smith said during Kressant's betrothal ceremony: he told his daughter that he wanted her to never talk to, develop an interest in, or even think about boys until he, her father, found the right one for her to court. This is just so beyond ridiculous! It's just not possible for a teenager to never feel any sexual or romantic feelings, so you're setting them up for horrible guilt and confusion. It really does seem to be all about the father's control, especially over his daughters, which is just icky.

It is so unhealthy. I'm surprised that there aren't more incidents of incest or unusual sexual fetishes among fundies. Maybe because I have a high libido, I can't imagine how someone remains in this lifestyle and doesn't have hidden sexual problems. I

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Given the number of young, Christian dudes who take it upon themselves to blog about female modesty, yeah--I'd say they're pretty frustrated. The non-Duggar Josiah immediately springs to mind. :lol:

It can be hard to tell when it comes to individual girls and young women, though. I do see many of the gushingly pseudo-romantic paeans to "Daddy," or enthusiastic posts about certain godly young men they encounter, as sublimation. Fundie culture is insistent that boys and men are the ones who respond to visual stimuli, and that porn, masturbation, and resisting the temptation to have sex are distinctly male problems. For girls and women, the problem lies in wanting to bond emotionally, so they need to be kept from "giving away their hearts," and thus their purity.

That many women do have a strong physical desire for sex in itself--sex that is not about bonding with one's husband and making babies--rarely gets acknowledged. When it does, it's used as evidence that a woman is emotionally "broken" somehow. A woman doesn't really want sex, in that view; she's just using it to fill the holes in her life (usually blamed on an absent or abusive father), trying to get her emotional needs met. Whereas for men, wanting sex for its own sake is just part of their sin nature. It needs to be controlled, and yes, most men will struggle with that, but it's just part of being a man.

So for young women growing up beep within the bubble, admitting that "I'm so horny I'm practically a one-woman brass ensemble, and the new youth pastor's ass looks so hot in those Dockers. UNF. Umm, yeah--I'm really struggling with this, and could use a few prayers, because I'm really sick of Sousa marches right now" might not even be within their conceptual toolkit, because in that gender-essentialist worldview, women aren't supposed to have that kind of desire.

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I've always wondered about the 0-100 thing too. I think if I were a fundy in that situation I would be scared, especially coupled with the fact that a lot of the time it seems like they barely know the person they are marrying.

I grew up in a town that is pretty Catholic, and a lot of the parents (mine included) pushed no-sex-before-marriage but the general attitude is not that you can't do *anything*, some contact beyond kissing is definitely expected/considered normal (just not going all the way). And if you are going to have sex use protection and maybe be out of high school. My parents and most of my friends' parents (again mostly Catholic) were pretty open, had multiple (accurate) sex talks that were not abstinence-only, and weren't afraid to answer questions. In other words, I think this was a healthy way of viewing sex within the context of religion in a lot of homes. When I went to Catholic school, in 5th grade we had this sex-ed program called something about a "Keepsake" - it was about keeping your virginity. We had the regular straight-up science stuff and then this was extra. My parents and the religious director's son (ha! this always amused me) refused to sign the permission slip because it was too touchy-feely so we got a study hall which I considered a better use of my time. The keepsake thing creeped me out and still would.

Hestia - that is really interesting that you are drawn to less-vanilla aspects of sex, but it makes sense to me. I know a few people from Catholic school who had more conservative parents and they are all drawn to extremes that counteract their more restrictive upbringing, even if it's something like dying their hair a non-natural color.

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I wonder if a number of them live in non consummated marriages for a while because they a) don't have a clue and b) barely know each other, even on the basic level of what I would consider friendship. I remember Anna said in one of the episodes that it took her a while to become used to Josh being a night person because she didn't know he was. But then I remembered that he had only been engaged to her for three months before they married. They courted before that but I'm sure that consisted of some phone calls, emails, and maybe a few chaperoned visits. They don't really even know the other person and then are expected to have sex...it's weird physically, but it's even weirder from an emotional standpoint. It kind of reminds me of Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI or something.

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I grew up in a sexually repressive RCC household. When I was about 8 I remember my mother catching my brother who was 10 wanking. My mother pulled a full on Margaret White, and my brother actually passed out. While the kid was out cold they called my elder cousin the RN to come over and deliver the 'you're gonna go blind and go to hell talk". Fortunately my cousin didn't share my parents attitudes towards sex. Years later I asked my SIL if my brothers sexuality was impacted by my parents attitudes. She said he was a jump on and off PE guy, missionary only.

I was the lucky one since the same RN cousin basically took me under her wing and gifted me with some healthy sexual attitudes and factual information. I was always a horn dog and without her humane education I could see how my sex life could have been negatively impacted by my parents influence.

I don't think its an issue that sexually repressed kids go overboard once they are out from under their parents control. I think once you've been threatened with everlasting damnation and the fires of hell, a walk on the wild side really isn't that wild. :D

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If you look at the way both VF and ATI handle the raising of boys and girls, it is kept very separate. Boys are taught completely different things than are girls. There is a great wall of secrecy between the gender training. My guess is that boys are taught that sex is a great reward that one becomes entitled to when they are married. I really think that they are drilled with the idea that getting married is a free pass to relief on demand. Girls, on the other hand aer taught to completely deny their sexual feelings. I am just thinking that the female orgasm is not on the list of priorities for either gender. I doubt the boys are taught how to touch a female to give her pleasure, although I do think that they are taught to avoid giving pain. The girls simply do not know their bodies at all.

All of that said, I am quite certain that there are some fundie couples who become very comfortable and knowledgeable about one another's bodies and do enjoy pleasuring each other mutually. At the beginning, however, my guess is that it is gratification for the male and the least possible discomfort to the female. (Despite any bragging or online blooging to the contrary.)

Just a guess on my part...being not a fundie myself.

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I've always thought that a lot of fundies don't actually consummate their marriages on the first night. To be honest, I would be totally terrified to have sex with someone who (a) I barely knew and (b) knew very little about how sex actually works. Add on to that the fact that you've lived your whole life thinking sex was "wrong." How can you get in the mood when you've been drilled to think that sex is dirty? I just...I don't know. Personally, I decided to save myself for marriage. Ironically, my parents are possibly the most liberal people ever and I got the sex talk (fully accurately) when I was 6 or 7. They were really surprised when I decided to wait until marriage. That being said, I'll do everything but sex.

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I've always thought that a lot of fundies don't actually consummate their marriages on the first night. To be honest, I would be totally terrified to have sex with someone who (a) I barely knew and (b) knew very little about how sex actually works. Add on to that the fact that you've lived your whole life thinking sex was "wrong." How can you get in the mood when you've been drilled to think that sex is dirty? I just...I don't know. Personally, I decided to save myself for marriage. Ironically, my parents are possibly the most liberal people ever and I got the sex talk (fully accurately) when I was 6 or 7. They were really surprised when I decided to wait until marriage. That being said, I'll do everything but sex.

Its apparent you are willing to engage in sexual activities (excluding m2fvag penetration, and maybe even different kinds of mutual. This really sets you apart from the fundies whose courtship behaviors are observed under the hive magnifying glass here on FJ.

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I've always wondered how they could go from being nonsexual to fully sexual in a matter of hours?

That would probably be the most terrifying aspect of a fundie marriage. Add to that all the other changes, like moving out, living with someone else, etc., and it's amazing fundie wives make the transition as smoothly as they do.

Gee, even sleeping beside a 'stranger' would be icky, never mind getting intimate with them.

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I grew up hardcore Catholic - I was terrified of having any kind of sexual thought before marriage because I'd have to confess it. Also, the scare tactic used in my parish was basically to tell girls how horrible sex was. I was scared of the pain I was told about, and the humiliation I was warned of as well. It's a sick, sick system some of these people use to scare girls and women out of "sinning", and the results are painfully harmful after marriage, as well. Of couse, the guys weren't subjected to any of the sort.

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I grew up hardcore Catholic - I was terrified of having any kind of sexual thought before marriage because I'd have to confess it. Also, the scare tactic used in my parish was basically to tell girls how horrible sex was. I was scared of the pain I was told about, and the humiliation I was warned of as well. It's a sick, sick system some of these people use to scare girls and women out of "sinning", and the results are painfully harmful after marriage, as well. Of couse, the guys weren't subjected to any of the sort.

I ignored them and lied in confession. :lol: But the horror stories were absolutely sadistic. I grew up with sisters of St. Joseph in the 50's.

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