Why VF/ATI?

[smores]

In another forum I'm on, there is a fundie-lite LDSer. She frequently participates in debate, citing what the church website says as what her belief is. I kid you not, she does not have an opinion, she looks for one - it's easy and she doesn't have to think about it. That's why people get into these movements; it is so easy to find the answers when you are not educating yourself about the issues at hand, nor are you willing to think critically to figure out where you stand.

ETA: For this particular person, I think it's easier for her to weed out who she could befriend, too.

[koolmom]

Similarly, as a young engaged, then married woman, I felt the same way about not having a career path or aspirations to do much of anything else besides being married and having a family. My then-husband was going to college, endlessly braying about the "plum job" he was going to get upon graduation, and while I never considered myself a mental drone (always kept up with current events, was an avid reader of topical interests), figured I'd be the quintessential housewife, at least while the kids were small. I figured by the time they were of school age (actual son, daughter not born yet), I'd have found something satisfactory to do or occupy my talents (art, writing/research/library work).

Obviously, things turned out vastly different from the original plan/fantasy, and this is where my life somewhat reflects that of some fundie women. Deep down, I had great trepidation about my husband's progress over the years, but hoped and prayed (again, like fundie women tend to do) that everything would turn out well. They didn't, and I was left holding the bag of caring for two small children (one just a newborn, hence my living in the Christian shepherding home as a married pregnant woman of 31 with a five-year-old son). I can see the allure, also having come from an abusive background, and wanted a chance to start over with a new family I could better foresee the outcome thereof. I was lucky enough in spite of all the travails to have been able to have raised two loving children who worship the ground their mother walks on and will do anything in their power to see that I am happy. Of course, having been there for them while they were growing up laid the groundwork for that to occur.

I just never wanted them to go through what I went through, losing not just one but two mothers by the time I was a mid-teen, having no mother role models afterwards (older sis was simply too self-absorbed and not up to the task), female relatives were too far away, etc.

My then-husband wasn't fundie or all that controlling, just harbored grandiose fantasies of what he was going to do when he got out of college and had the proverbial "world is my oyster" mentality. For the most part, he didn't interfere with my parenting, figured I was doing good to be halfway adequate considering my background and was generally supportive.

My daughter, on the other hand, had a best friend who was raised in an abusive, Jehovah Witness home and seemed very repressed and depressed as a late-teen, early 20's girl who still lived at home, and didn't seem to have any kind of premise she'd do or be anything but her mother's right-hand man and homebody companion as the eldest of several younger siblings. Her mother was deaf, and had a background of abusive men (both the friend's father and current stepfather) who held sway over everyone in the home.

My daughter saw this, and thought it would be a positive step to move this friend out of that toxic environment and into her own home where she and her husband had the resources and spare room to let her move in and attempt to repair her life under her tutelage and encouragement. She moved in, the friend started attending school to get her GED, and everything seemed hunky-dory until -- you guessed it -- she met a guy whom my daughter accounts up until then was apparently average and normal enough, that is, until these two met. Suddenly, the friend started chafing against the simple rules my daughter had outlined, i.e., no visitors on weekday nights, and to let her know when she was going out (already had her own key), and from all accounts, changed from the appearance of BF.

My daughter tried talking it over with her friend, the friend consistently kept in denial, "No, everything's okay"...etc. etc. but still kept up the same behavior. Weeks later, the friend announced she was moving out, BACK with the folks she'd so vehemently hated and who abused her! She was also supposed to be my daughter's maid of honor at her upcoming wedding later that year, and helped her pick out her wedding dress. Friend had already moved out by the wedding and disappeared from sight by then.

From all accounts, my daughter related this girl had been brought up just as vicious and mind-numbing as any typical fundie; no plans for education, work, or any other outside pursuits. A dyed in the wool SAHD in the making. Because they were BF's for several years, the loss of that friend threw my daughter into a tailspin, esp. as her wedding neared and had to alter plans to make up for the loss of friend. Fortunately, everything turned out okay, and she was the vision everyone imagined and more.

Update: Recently, the girls have talked to one another via FB, and my daughter has learned of her friend's upcoming wedding, and the friend has seen pics of my daughter's baby son. My daughter is relieved her friend has touched base, but harbors no illusion the two of them can pick up where they left off. Toxic thinking certainly poisoned this relationship.