On the topic of "try before you buy"...

[Funky Chicken]

This was mentioned with respect to Priscilla Keller's wedding, and I recalled this emails rom a few years ago, to a blog I follow. The bride was a virgin but the groom had had sex in the past. A lot of commenters reckoned the problem here is that the groom developed skewed expectations of sex due to using porn in the 6 year engagement period, to satisfy his "needs". My personal opinion is that the guy's sexual proclivities were already "out there", and that perhaps he chose a virgin so that she would be unaware that what he wanted was unusual (and also perhaps why he hadn't achieved a lasting relationship with past partners? Additionally, marrying a fundie virgin would mean that she couldn't leave afterwards (in her email, she states that "divorce is not an option").

Anyway, it's a tragic story and I always wondered what happened later. There was no follow-up.

http://blogs.news.com.au/bossy/index.php/news/comments/my_honey_moon_sex_turned_into_a_nightmare/

Link not broken because Ask Bossy likes traffic anyway!

[VodouDoll]

Wow, is that husband a total moron or what? How could he not see that calling his inexperienced virgin wife a whore and a slut during their wedding night sex and asking to pee on her (!) wouldn't totally freak her out? It's amazing she didn't run sobbing from the room. I wonder what happened too.

[debrand]

I am a 20-something woman who has recently gotten married. I have been with my boyfriend (now husband) for six years and in every way he was my ideal man. He was sweet, funny, generous and good looking. Basically the whole package. We met and just clicked, the attraction was instantaneous and everyone thought we were perfect for each other. We were asked constantly by our families right from the start when were we going to get married and the pressure was on.

[Funky Chicken]

Also, given that she was a virgin, did he not see how offensive that would be to her in particular?!

[ladypuglover]

What kind of screwed up family asks such young people when they will marry? She says that they met when they were 14(20-6=14) and the questions about their possible marriage started at that time.

[snarkbillie]

Also, given that she was a virgin, did he not see how offensive that would be to her in particular?!

[So Many Lies]

Depending on how much porn he had absorbed, maybe not.

I had a friend who really thought that women wanted to be called "cum buckets" while they were going down on him. His girlfriend asked me to set him straight on the issue. I asked him why he did that and he said he saw it in porn and he thought it was hot and the girl in the video didn't seem to mind.

Most men aren't so stupid, but I think this particular guy had watched more porn than he had ever talked to human women in person and had no idea what he was doing.

[She Who Laughs]

And as far as the "try before you buy concept" that isn't a fool proof way to know either. Many men are good at concealing their darker side prior to marriage because they want to make sure they get to the point of marriage. I have known quite a few women through the years who dated, slept with and a few even lived together with the men prior to marriage and yet his darker side didn't come to the surface until after they were officially married. At that point abusive men often feel they have total control and ownership once they have married the woman and it is harder for her to leave than it was prior to marriage. So even if this couple had slept together first, he could have held back and played the part of the wonderful romantic lover and then after marriage turned into the man she describes.

[debrand]

And as far as the "try before you buy concept" that isn't a fool proof way to know either. Many men are good at concealing their darker side prior to marriage because they want to make sure they get to the point of marriage. I have known quite a few women through the years who dated, slept with and a few even lived together with the men prior to marriage and yet his darker side didn't come to the surface until after they were officially married. At that point abusive men often feel they have total control and ownership once they have married the woman and it is harder for her to leave than it was prior to marriage. So even if this couple had slept together first, he could have held back and played the part of the wonderful romantic lover and then after marriage turned into the man she describes.

[godlytomatosoup]

I should add that I don't think that it is wrong that someone wants to be called names while having sex. This couple, though, seems to have a communication problem

[Guest Anonymous]

Fuck! That's a serious problem... I'd have certainly run from the room sobbing. :oops:

I don't know who Bossy is, but it doesn't seem like someone who understands the kind of sub-culture in which these sorts of situations arise. I'd agree with Bossy on most of what she said about the actual sexual relationship. But the huge, massive issue is that you have a couple who have been together for 6 years and never had any conversations with each other about sex or intimacy. I'm also less hopeful than Bossy that it can be resolved by them having a chat about things now. I get that the guy may have been 'misinformed' by porn mags, but he has to be pretty dense if he hasn't worked out that his approach must have been really off-base for her to have suffered 'headaches' for the rest of their marriage since the wedding night.

[genericJname]

This whole situation seems so screwed up. I don't know what the solution is. It should definitely start with communication and I think if saying "I didn't like that" is too uncomfortable for people who have been together 6 years, that is a big problem.

I feel like I can relate somewhat to the poster. I had this boyfriend at christian college who I ended up having some non-intercourse sexual activity with (both consensually and not.) The lord "called" me to start dating him right before christmas break, so nothing much had really happened before we separated for several weeks. He was one of those very traditional/repressed but really into porn types. [Disclaimer - I am a pretty porn-positive person now but I think certain kinds of porn combined with very repressed attitudes toward real life sex can be dangerous.] He would make me spend hours on the phone/IM every night of break and got me to do "phone sex." I was very very inexperienced. TMI - I didn't even know how to masturbate, which he later thought was a serious betrayal that I was "faking" orgasms on the phone. I didn't even understand what an orgasm was at that point. He would be really controlling about what I was supposed to be saying and "sounding" like. It really stressed me out. (Saying the F word out loud caused my fundie-lite self days worth of distress :lol: .) When real life sexual things started happening, he would be really controlling and weird about it and then say that me "complying" was helping him to cut back on the evil evil porn that the devil was using against him.

Anyways, I think the commenters are missing something with their "She didn't put out for 6 years, so what do you expect?" line. It sounds like there is some really unhealthy control dynamic going on, first that he would push that stuff on a virgin, without talking about it first and that she is so so afraid to even bring the topic up.