Lyndsie's adoption story

[BlackHawk]

This. Adoption is a tragedy, 100% of the time. Sometimes an unavoidable one, but children not growing up with the benefit of their birth families is never a blessing, never ideal. There are kids in foster care who should not, cannot, be with their bio families. That is, in and of itself, a tragedy. But I will never, never celebrate a newborn placement when there is no evidence that there has been any attempt to keep that child with their family of origin. The adoption industry in this country is seriously screwed up. Bio dads who wanted to raise their kids have been screwed out of their rights by unscrupulous adoption agencies. Spend some time on Birth Mother, First Mother forums and you'll see this shit still goes down. It just is better covered up, and because everyone throws back their head and howls if you dare say something bad about adoption, no one raises the alarm. Google "Shotgun Adoption' by Kathryn Joyce-- you think that stuff is ethical? You think that people like Lyndsie and Daniel, who in all likelihood got those kids from a private adoption arrange via a CPC or a church, gave a rats ass about the well being of their kids birthmother(s)? If you believe that, then I have a bridge for sale for you. L&D aren't eligible for fostering, and most legitimate agencies wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole.

[NurseNell]

I'm not a huge fan of L&D. I think that link was posted here the other day. I wish them well. But it is kind of hard to be happy for them when couples who have more financially stability have been waiting to adopt for several years and L&D managed to adopt two kids after two years of marriage.

[lilwriter85]

There's also the fact she had a cancer that has recurred once and according to her she still has cancer cells in her abdomen. She should be at least 5 years out and NED (no evidence of disease) before adopting.

Yup that too. Well Lyndsie has lucked out in the private adoption world. If she and Daniel had contacted agencies, I think they would been rejected by some due to her not being 5 years out. Also some domestic adoption agencies don't work with couples who have been married less than five years.

According to the link the OP posted, Lyndsie and Daniel claimed they had several failed adoptions. My guess is that some birth moms might have rejected them because Lyndsie has no college education, job skills/long work history, or any type of vocational training. I can see L&D being rejected in the future for those reasons. Some birth moms will want their babies to be in a two income home or a home in which both parents have the skills or education to provide well for a child. A few years back, a local newspaper in my area did a feature piece on a young woman who was giving up her baby for adoption. This young woman said she rejected profiles of one income homes right away. Some birth moms probably like the idea of a SAHM, but I think Lyndsie would be easy for some to reject because she doesn't have backup plan in case she becomes widowed or if finances change because of job loss or disability.

[MarciaBrady]

This. Adoption is a tragedy, 100% of the time. Sometimes an unavoidable one, but children not growing up with the benefit of their birth families is never a blessing, never ideal. There are kids in foster care who should not, cannot, be with their bio families. That is, in and of itself, a tragedy. But I will never, never celebrate a newborn placement when there is no evidence that there has been any attempt to keep that child with their family of origin. The adoption industry in this country is seriously screwed up. Bio dads who wanted to raise their kids have been screwed out of their rights by unscrupulous adoption agencies. Spend some time on Birth Mother, First Mother forums and you'll see this shit still goes down. It just is better covered up, and because everyone throws back their head and howls if you dare say something bad about adoption, no one raises the alarm. Google "Shotgun Adoption' by Kathryn Joyce-- you think that stuff is ethical? You think that people like Lyndsie and Daniel, who in all likelihood got those kids from a private adoption arrange via a CPC or a church, gave a rats ass about the well being of their kids birthmother(s)? If you believe that, then I have a bridge for sale for you. L&D aren't eligible for fostering, and most legitimate agencies wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole.

[Austin]

I know nothing about these people but adoption makes me sad sometimes. I'm adopted and it's really difficult...I deal with a lot of psychological issues and a lot of betrayal from my fundie-lite/evangelical adoptive parents.

There are a lot of adoptee and first-mother blogs that talk about the hurt caused by adoption. Many women are pressured into giving their child up to a "better" couple who can give the baby "more". There is a good book called "The Girls who Went Away" by Ann Fessler that talks about adoption from the perspective of the mothers--it's heart-wrenching.

As for me, I found my mom...and it really hurt to find that I had been lied to. She really wanted me but no one offered to help.

I'm tired and not up for writing an entire explanation about why I am no fan of adoption...but if you do some research and look past the Christian view of adoption as always perfect and wonderful...you'll find a lot of hurt people. And anytime I express the hurt I feel as an adoptee...people tell me I'm wrong to feel hurt and that adoption is oh so wonderful. Well, it's not always.

[Feberin]

We had my brother and sister placed with us in very quick succession (i.e. within a year of each other). It isn't uncommon at all in the foster system. With the foster system, it's about finding the best home for the child, so it's not just about how long it's been since your last placement. Yep, that means that sometimes things aren't perfect, but come on, what family is? And, um, you can TOTALLY bond with a kid and have a new sibling added in under a year. I don't mean to turn into a total Snark-a-saurus Rex here, but on behalf of all of my fellow adoptive families, the suggestion that is an issue is one of THE silliest things I have ever heard. Are you saying that people who have bio-children in quick succession don't bond with their kids? What is your position then on multiple births? Do the parents only bond with one of the babies? Yes, when you keep getting kids placed one after the other it will take its toll, just as having kids that quick would. But two or three is perfectly normal. Also, not to hate on bio families, but you know how ZsuZsu is incapacitated by her pregnancy? That doesn't happen to adoptive families! So the parents are often COMPLETELY focused on the first child right up to when the next is added.

[MarciaBrady]

I know nothing about these people but adoption makes me sad sometimes. I'm adopted and it's really difficult...I deal with a lot of psychological issues and a lot of betrayal from my fundie-lite/evangelical adoptive parents.

There are a lot of adoptee and first-mother blogs that talk about the hurt caused by adoption. Many women are pressured into giving their child up to a "better" couple who can give the baby "more". There is a good book called "The Girls who Went Away" by Ann Fessler that talks about adoption from the perspective of the mothers--it's heart-wrenching.

As for me, I found my mom...and it really hurt to find that I had been lied to. She really wanted me but no one offered to help.

I'm tired and not up for writing an entire explanation about why I am no fan of adoption...but if you do some research and look past the Christian view of adoption as always perfect and wonderful...you'll find a lot of hurt people. And anytime I express the hurt I feel as an adoptee...people tell me I'm wrong to feel hurt and that adoption is oh so wonderful. Well, it's not always.

[27randomscribbles]

To all who have posted saying adoption is "not always bad". I can already see that in this thread my experience is going to be pushed aside because "adoption is not always bad" and my experience is probably a rarity. Well, it's not.

My adoptive parents are great (despite the abusive religious upbringing which I blame on religion and my community, not my parents as I feel they love me and my siblings and thought they were doing what was best). They support me and have given me everything I ever could have asked for. But like someone else mentioned, in ANY adoption, someone is hurt. Either the first mother is hurt because she gave up her child out of no other options (no money, religiously against abortion, etc.), the family of the first mom can be hurt, the adopted child can suffer (as a child or as an adult...or both). Something went wrong in order for a baby to be up for adoption, so saying that not all adoptions are bad is ignoring this fact. They might not all turn out with lifelong hurt or enough hurt to make someone speak out...but someone was hurt.

I never questioned my adoption till I was in my mid-twenties. If you had asked me a few years ago I would have told you glowing stories of adoption and made sure you knew I had no desire to know my "birth parents" (as I used to call them). I was a picture-perfect adoptee with a perfect adoption story. Then I started to leave my religion, leave my naive, sheltered community, and started to ask questions. I had been told all my life that my first mom was probably happy now, that she did the right thing and "loved me enough to give me up". This was all a lie. She wanted me. No one would help her. I had also had information withheld from me, such as the fact that I had another name given to me by my first mom, and that my original birth certificate was not the one I had...my original certificate had my first mom's name on it, and the name she gave me.

I have a lot of issues that relate to being adopted, and am in counseling to work through them. I fear being left to a disturbing degree...I'm terrified to make any relationships because I'm afraid I'll be left. I fear my husband leaving me although I have no reason to. And there's a lot more that I won't go into.

Look, you can think what you want about adoption. I already expect the kind of comments I've seen and they tear my heart up...to see people ignore the darker side of adoption. There may be good outcomes with adoption...by all technical results I had a good outcome. My sister and brother are outwardly very screwed up, my sister had a baby young too, and always goes to dangerous men to find comfort. My brother's into drugs. None of them ever questioned adoption out loud. I'm the "perfect child" in my family...went to college, working on a MA, good hubby and job...but I'm the one who questions. My hurt is all inside. I'm angry. I've done research in some of my courses in college and what little research is out there shows that most biological mothers do regret their adoptions, and the majority feel they were coerced in some way (including financial factors). Most also want to reunite someday with their child. This information made me want to find out more, and I hope to work further and somehow find out more about biological mothers and adoptees today...and hopefully use the info to change the public's opinion on adoption and make some laws change.

Look, I realize most of you want to ignore me, and write my experience off as the minority, but I don't believe I'm a minority. I'm just one of the few who speak out. I suffered in silence for a long time, but would never have admitted I was longing for something because I was raised to not question things.

Please, before you respond with the stuff I'm used to hearing over and over...that hurts me a lot...do some research. And keep in mind that it's socially unacceptable to express hurt and anger as an adoptee or bio mom. Adoptees are supposed to be grateful and not question...and bio moms are supposed to keep quiet.

LAST thing. Sorry I get emotional and type a lot. But this is important too:

Many people tell me that while the Baby Scoop Era was fucked up...it's "different" today. Well I'm here to point out that it's not always that different. CareNet is a crisis pregnancy center that is all over the United States. There are others that are very similar, but this one is a "name brand" that I know and have looked into. My sister got pregnant and despite having wealthy parents who were willing to support her and her child any way they needed, the people at CareNet tried over and over to talk her into adoption--they showed her stats on how single moms turn out badly, told her that her child would be better off with a married, good Christian couple, etc. She eventually said no...but they tried. This type of shaming still happens. And I do not believe my sister's experience was too out of the norm...crisis pregnancy centers exist primarily to shame women and talk them out of abortion, but also to talk them into adoption. They offer very little actual help (MOST of them...I'm sure there are exceptions, but there have been undercover operations in these places all over the country and have shown this to be true)...aside from clothing and pointing women to the nearest welfare office.

And even though I could write a book on all the crazy feelings I have about this, I won't because I'm already emotionally distressed. Just try to open your mind...even if it hurts.

And again...I don't blame adoptive parents (I think most are very well-meaning), or bio moms. I blame the system. I want it to change. But if we don't open our eyes to the problems of infant adoption then it will never change. And for the record, I mostly speak of infant adoption. The foster care system and adoption through the state is VERY DIFFERENT. Children in the foster care have generally (not always) been abandoned or abused and a big effort has been made to keep the family together (most of the time). Infant adoption is a little different, I feel it is more like a business.

Ok I'm done for real this time.

EDITED TO ADD: This is my blogroll and includes some adoptee/bio mom blogs if anyone is interested: http://27randomscribbles.wordpress.com/about/

[valsa]

Please, before you respond with the stuff I'm used to hearing over and over...that hurts me a lot...do some research.

[Rachel333]

I do agree that adoption is always a bad thing, and to say otherwise is ignoring reality. You can be pro-adoption and still say that. Something bad had to happen for adoption to take place.

I also hope we validate everyone's experiences. I do see people ignoring the positive experiences in adoption, but I also very often see people completely ignoring the negative experiences.

[Michelle]

I think these two children are siblings, they look similar. Maybe they are half siblings. Daniel and Lyndsie probably already knew that Aubrey was on the way when they got Ethan, and agreed to take her after she was born.

[27randomscribbles]

With all due respect- I've done the research and I still disagree with you. I'm not trying to invalidate what you feel, so please don't insult me by implying that I just haven't thought the issue through.

There are many adopted people who feel as you do but there are also many adopted people who would disagree. For all you talk about people trying to ignore and invalidate what you feel, I've seen many unhappy adoptees pass off adoptees who are happy with their adoptions as being "in denial" or just "not there yet". Do you believe any happy adoptees just haven't gotten to the point where they'll be unhappy (as you say you were a few years ago)?

As far as Pregnancy Crisis Centers, I think they should all be closed down, though for different reasons than you (dealing more with their anti-choice bullshit)

[Austin]

Look, I realize most of you want to ignore me, and write my experience off as the minority, but I don't believe I'm a minority. I'm just one of the few who speak out. I suffered in silence for a long time, but would never have admitted I was longing for something because I was raised to not question things.

Please, before you respond with the stuff I'm used to hearing over and over...that hurts me a lot...do some research. And keep in mind that it's socially unacceptable to express hurt and anger as an adoptee or bio mom. Adoptees are supposed to be grateful and not question...and bio moms are supposed to keep quiet.

[27randomscribbles]

This may be controversial to some, but I believe that the stigma surrounding abortion has to be gotten rid of. I think if abortion were destigmatized, the rate of infant adoptions would go down. If a woman has abortion as a choice (and abortion stigma makes it not a choice for many) then they won't feel as if adoption is their only choice.

I'm very pro choice, so I feel that abortion is better than adoption. This is a personal belief. Abortion has been shown to cause very little mental health issues in the mother...(and the rate would be even lower if there were less stigma against it)...but adoption affects the mother much more mentally and also affects the child.

I was raised to believe that adoption was the morally right alternative to abortion. I do not believe that anymore. I would have an abortion in an instant if I found I was pregnant now. I wish that it was less stigmatized so we wouldn't be given so much crap for having one.

By the way...back to adoption.

This is such an incredibly complicated issue and there are no simple answers. Some of the people I admire most are adoptive parents and I think that it can be a wonderful thing if the inherent hurt/pain is acknowledged, which is hard for a lot of people to do. When people push back, I really think it is because they want it to be simple, to be clear, to be absolute, no matter what their own situation (adopted or not, etc.). Everyone wants their own position validated - it's just human nature. The real challenge is putting down the defenses and listening. Still working on that. . .

[MarciaBrady]

Sorry double post.

[MarciaBrady]

Look, you can think what you want about adoption. I already expect the kind of comments I've seen and they tear my heart up...to see people ignore the darker side of adoption.

Please, before you respond with the stuff I'm used to hearing over and over...that hurts me a lot...do some research.

Just try to open your mind...even if it hurts.

[ladypuglover]

Your post was really long, so I'm just going to quote the parts that I'm having the biggest problem with. First of all, I don't know why you're complaining about people here in this thread invalidating your experience because that's not what happened. Other posters told you that you have a right to your feelings, but we disagree with your position. Believing someone has a right to feel whatever they feel does not mean that we are required to have those same feelings, and it certainly does not mean we have to agree with every opinion you hold. I don't where you get off lecturing other people to open their minds when you refuse to acknowledge that other people have a right to have opinions that are different from yours. And I also don't know why you are insisting that we are ignoring the darker side of adoption when several of the people who disagreed with you did acknowledge that adoption can be bad in some cases.

I'm really trying to cut you some slack here because you are clearly in a lot of pain but it's becoming clearer with each post that you believe your opinions and feelings are the only ones that deserve validation. That's ironic coming from someone who is lecturing others about opening up their minds.

[27randomscribbles]

I think I've said a few times already that my situation is not the only one, and I do not disagree that there are many adoptees who are perfectly fine. But many of us are hurt.

Being an adoptee in pretty much any non-adoptee forum feels like being a pro-choicer in an anti-choice forum.

I've also NEVER said my feelings are the only one's who require validation. I'm not sure where you got that idea from. I simply feel that those who feel hurt by adoption tend to be the ones who don't automatically get validated. Those who support adoption and have positive experiences/have good views on adoption tend to be most likely to be validated in our society.

I rarely post on posts concerning adoption because it always turns out the same. I love freejinger because it's a place to read about the Christian craziness I left. I live a secret life from my family because they won't accept that I'm pro-choice, feminist, socialist, agnostic, etc. I'm crying right now and I am tired of this. I never said anything you accuse me of saying...I never said my feelings are the only right ones, but that my feelings are rarely acknowledged in society.

Nothing in adoption is a given, and no one's experience is the same. I don't claim that.

All I believe is that 1. All adoptees should have the right to know who their first parents are, and the right to their original birth certificate; 2. Anti-choice agencies such as CareNet should have no connections with adoption agencies (really, they shouldn't exist the way they are now at all) 3. Adoption should be through public means and not private--no one should make money off of adoptions; 4. All first mother's should be given all information about adoption, and not lied to and told it'll all be forgotten with time; 5. Open adoptions (if desired by the first parent/s) should be legally enforceable in all states.

Those are things I want to change. But they won't change if those who speak up as I do are kept quiet or guilt-tripped into backing down.

[BlackHawk]

I think I've said a few times already that my situation is not the only one, and I do not disagree that there are many adoptees who are perfectly fine. But many of us are hurt.

Being an adoptee in pretty much any non-adoptee forum feels like being a pro-choicer in an anti-choice forum.

I've also NEVER said my feelings are the only one's who require validation. I'm not sure where you got that idea from. I simply feel that those who feel hurt by adoption tend to be the ones who don't automatically get validated. Those who support adoption and have positive experiences/have good views on adoption tend to be most likely to be validated in our society.

I rarely post on posts concerning adoption because it always turns out the same. I love freejinger because it's a place to read about the Christian craziness I left. I live a secret life from my family because they won't accept that I'm pro-choice, feminist, socialist, agnostic, etc. I'm crying right now and I am tired of this. I never said anything you accuse me of saying...I never said my feelings are the only right ones, but that my feelings are rarely acknowledged in society.

Nothing in adoption is a given, and no one's experience is the same. I don't claim that.

All I believe is that 1. All adoptees should have the right to know who their first parents are, and the right to their original birth certificate; 2. Anti-choice agencies such as CareNet should have no connections with adoption agencies (really, they shouldn't exist the way they are now at all) 3. Adoption should be through public means and not private--no one should make money off of adoptions; 4. All first mother's should be given all information about adoption, and not lied to and told it'll all be forgotten with time; 5. Open adoptions (if desired by the first parent/s) should be legally enforceable in all states.

Those are things I want to change. But they won't change if those who speak up as I do are kept quiet or guilt-tripped into backing down.

[Rachel333]

All I believe is that 1. All adoptees should have the right to know who their first parents are, and the right to their original birth certificate; 2. Anti-choice agencies such as CareNet should have no connections with adoption agencies (really, they shouldn't exist the way they are now at all) 3. Adoption should be through public means and not private--no one should make money off of adoptions; 4. All first mother's should be given all information about adoption, and not lied to and told it'll all be forgotten with time; 5. Open adoptions (if desired by the first parent/s) should be legally enforceable in all states.

[27randomscribbles]

[No one, but yourself, has invalidated or even spoken of possibly invalidating your claims. Your story is your own, but that doesn't mean you are the majority or the minority. You are your story, simple as that.

[valsa]

1. All adoptees should have the right to know who their first parents are, and the right to their original birth certificate

[valsa]

Then, kind of another issue, but what's happening in the US is nothing compared to what's happening in international adoption. I read a statement by someone who works in international adoption saying that it's more corrupt than you can possibly imagine. Lots of child trafficking and just really terrible stuff happening.

[27randomscribbles]

[valsa]

If open adoptions are not legally enforceable then they should not be allowed to exist at all. Promising a non-enforceable open adoption is a form of coercion if the woman makes her decision to give up her child based on the agreement of an open adoption. And this is used to get women to choose adoption, I've lurked for years on adoption websites and the "birthmother pages" are full of information about how adoption is nothing like the closed ones of yesteryears, open adoptions allow for a new kind of relationship, best of both worlds, etc. Either they should be legally enforceable or it should be illegal to make an open adoption agreement in the first place.