Razing Ruth's Daddy tries to take over her blog

[luckylibrarian]

Just wanted to say that I am amazed at your continued strength and maturity in the face of all of this adversity, Ruth. Have you reported the threats to law enforcement in your area? California has strict laws about stalking. It's possible that these people have violated the law. You might want to consider getting a restraining order.

If there is anything we can do for you here, don't hesitate to ask. And if you ever have a reason to be in Ohio, my door is always open.

[razingruth]

As long as you're here, may I ask you a question? Do you think your former (forced) fiance/his family still reads your blog? I believe I remember you posting an email he sent you way back when.... The reason that I ask is the comment about "all of the opportunities you've blown" or something to taht effect. That comment made me think of him.

I think Harris reads my blog. He knew about it, at the very least. He also knew about FreeJinger and NLQ. Honestly, though, I just don't see either he or parents commenting. It's not their style. Despite both of us hurting, we've started speaking with one another and our feelings toward one another don't seem to be anything remotely malicious.

[razingruth]

Once again, I want to thank everyone for the support (and offers of places to stay, lol). :) If I ever go cross-country, I'll take y'all up on those offers.

[BravaAmica]

I think Harris reads my blog. He knew about it, at the very least. He also knew about FreeJinger and NLQ. Honestly, though, I just don't see either he or parents commenting. It's not their style. Despite both of us hurting, we've started speaking with one another and our feelings toward one another don't seem to be anything remotely malicious.

I think Sproket was asking about the finance your parents tried to foist upon you.

[yetanothermeg]

narcissistic personality disorder was also my armchair diagnosis for her father. His writing seems like it comes from a disordered, irrational mind. Ruth, you should check out bpdfamily dot com, its a site for families dealing with personality disorders. There is a forum for dealing with parents. Its eye opening.

[Sprocket]

I think Sproket was asking about the finance your parents tried to foist upon you.

Sorry for the confusion. Yes, I was talking about the first guy that you were forced into an engagement with. He seemed to think very highly of himself and I can see him commenting that you "blew your chances" to get a prize like himself.

[Witsec1]

Ruth, if you're ever in Santa Cruz, there's a margarita (or other beverage of your choice) waiting for you!

[anniebgood]

C'mon down to Redondo Beach and I'll take you to Scotties in Hermosa Beach and buy you a beer and lunch!

[razingruth]

Sorry for the confusion. Yes, I was talking about the first guy that you were forced into an engagement with. He seemed to think very highly of himself and I can see him commenting that you "blew your chances" to get a prize like himself.

Oh Gosh! I don't know how I misread that. I just don't really think of him as my "fiance", really.

I used to think that he'd just moved on in life and left me alone. But, as soon as I posted that portion of my story, I started to get strange comments and e-mails that seemed pretty personal. I think he did read, at one point. I'm not sure about now.

[SquirrelySquirrel]

Big hugs to you, Ruth. You are an amazing, strong woman. Block those trolls and don't waste one second of your time commenting on them or giving them any reaction. That's all they want: any proof that they've gotten under your skin.

[browngrl]

Hi Ruth!

I am glad to see your posts (both here and on your blog). Many others (trolls excluded of course) have already offered words of support more eloquently than I can. So I just want to offer ((hugs)). I hope that your studies go well. Keep in touch here - as time and circumstance allow and if you ever come to Toronto - I am baking you a cake!

[theologygeek]

Ruth, put some Google Adsense ads on your blog. It might not bring in much, but every little bit helps.

[Brainsample]

I was looking through some info for someone else, and I happened over this section from Harriet Braiker's "Who's Pulling Your Strings." I love this book because it cuts through a whole lot of extra stuff and is like six books in one.

And it is excellent reading for anyone dealing with a manipulative parent (or any other kind of manipulator, for that matter).

http://www.amazon.com/Whos-Pulling-Your ... 974&sr=8-1

How Manipulators Look at the World

(pgs. 62 – 64)

First, it is important to accept that manipulators look at the world in a different way than nonmanipulators. And in some critical ways, their worldview determines their behavior, which, in a cyclic turn, helps to validate their view of the world in the first place. As mentioned earlier, manipulators see the world in general black and white, either/or terms, especially with respect to manipulation: Their view is that either you play or you get played.

In other words, manipulators believe that there are only two roles in relationships – you are either manipulated (the victim), or you are the manipulator (in their view, the one in power and control). Manipulators see no other way that relationships operate. They cannot envision participating in a relationship between equals, for example. Such a relationship is beyond their understanding and comprehension.

They simply cannot imagine their role in a mutually interdependent relationship in which there is a balanced decision making and shared control and in which the rights of both parties to make critical decisions about their own lives are acknowledged and respected by both participants. They cannot imagine trusting someone else enough to make such a shared and balanced relationship possible, and they fundamentally do not see themselves as trustworthy in the sense that another person cold really trust them to respect and protect the rights of both.

Second, because manipulators see life as a zero-sum game, in almost every important dimension – which to a manipulator primarily comprises power, control and superiority – the manipulator believes that there are winners and losers. In a two-person relationship, someone must win, and someone must lose. It is not complicated math. There is no room for a win-win or a lose-lose scenario. In any interpersonal setting, the manipulator believes that if she gives something to the other person — or allows the other person to claim or attain something that the manipulator values – the pot is diminished, and there is necessarily less for her. This view, of course, gives rise to competition, rivalry, and jealousy – toxic emotions that taint and compromise the quality of manipulators’ relationships.

The third element of the manipulator’s worldview is that other people exist to serve or meet his needs. This allows for no exercise of empathy – the ability to feel as another person feels. In fact, there are many manipulators who lack the capacity for empathy altogether. They literally cannot fathom that there even is another way to feel or think or need other than that arising from their own perspective.

The fourth element of the manipulator’s worldview, closely related to the third, is a huge sense of entitlement. The manipulator operates from the viewpoint, consciously or unconsciously, that he deserves to have his needs met and purposes served. He may believe that this is true because of a bad childhood or other negative life experiences in which the manipulator perceives that other people (or life in general) wounded him in some important way; therefore, the world owes him back. Life becomes about evening up the score and making sure that he does not get cheated, mistreated, hurt, damaged, short-changed, or otherwise injured in any way. The manipulator who operates out of this mind-set of entitlement believes that he is special and therefore merits special compliance from others. It is difficult for the manipulator to grasp the concept of violating the rights of others because (1) he cannot really feel that others have rights of their own and (2) he is entitled to have other people subordinate their needs to his.

[Sprocket]

Oh Gosh! I don't know how I misread that. I just don't really think of him as my "fiance", really.

I used to think that he'd just moved on in life and left me alone. But, as soon as I posted that portion of my story, I started to get strange comments and e-mails that seemed pretty personal. I think he did read, at one point. I'm not sure about now.

He did email you at one point, right? Sorry, I can't go back and look right now. If I'm remembering correctly, I don't think he's moved on at all. He thinks of himself as a real catch and how dare you not want him. I remember thinking at the time that he had a major hang up with you, even though he's now married. I'd bet (well maybe not my kids, but something big) that he's heard about your break up with Harris and he feels the need to gloat.

[margiebargie]

Hi Ruth. I've been reading your blog since pretty much the beginning. Hang in there. Keep on going. What you've accomplished so far is incredible. Just want to send encouragement and good vibes your way.

[Vex]

From this site: http://helpingpsychology.com/sociopath-vs-psychopath-whats-the-difference Emphasis mine.

Yeah, armchair diagnosis from a non-professional--I'm thinking sociopath.

Kind of OT, but that is not even close to the definitions in my various criminology/criminial psychology textbooks. I'm not saying one or the other is wrong, but I'm kind of amazed I've never even heard that stuff about sociopathy before.

Back to the topic at hand:

Wow. He really is just an absolute asshole. I think in many ways Ruth is incredibly strong (I wish I had even a fraction of her strength and resolve), but her father seems to (understandably) be a big hurdle. I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time he's dangled an offer of contact with her mother and siblings in front of her in exchange for him getting a say on her blog. I wish she'd put a stop to it for the sake of her own sanity and happiness, but I understand that she's going through a very stressful time and she really needs her mum, and her mother can't be there unless her father 'lets' her. He is so toxic. I have no doubt that if there really is a heaven and a hell, he's going to be burning for eternity. He is not a representitive of Christ.

ETA: I didn't read past the first page before I posted. I've said it before, but Ruth - you're so much stronger than he is. Even though things are incredibly hard, I know you'll find a way to get through. You have so many people supporting you!

[MamaJunebug]

Vex wrote,

ETA: I didn't read past the first page before I posted. I've said it before, but Ruth - you're so much stronger than he is. Even though things are incredibly hard, I know you'll find a way to get through. You have so many people supporting you!

And Ruth, we are supporting you out of love. Your father's supporters, such as they are, support him out of a sense of either fear or obligation.

I'm PM'ing you my e-mail addy, please feel free to use it when you need a motherly word or ear. Not for nothing am I call MamaJunebug. ;) I know I'm not your momma, but sometimes getting a pale imitation of the kind words and attagirls helps. Especially when the real momma is out of contact range, for reasons beyond our own control.