Craziest statement/judgement/scolding you heard from a Fundy

[SquirrelySquirrel]

Wow, this thread is crazy and funny at the same time, with a dash of scary thrown in.

I was told that our child should be taken from the husband and me because we are an atheist/agnostic home. Apparently being traumatically yanked out of a loving home and dropped into the already over-crowded foster care system would be superior to life without Jesus. This person also thinks the same of Teh Ebul Gays.

[Eliowy]

When i got told i was supporting the ant-christ by reading the Golden Compass and watching the movie. Supposedly this will catch up with me in the afterlife lol. Meanest one was when i was told i was too 'proud and unwilling to learn' and got kicked out of fundi catholic youth group because i knew more than the teacher and i beat the boys team at a catechism game. apparently nice girls let boys win and not doing that makes one haughty, proud, and quite prone to sin. Announced in front of the entire youth group. :oops:

Also the time when i was 13 and was given the entire Elsie series and wanted to take them back to the store. I was told i simply hated the books because i knew i needed to become a better girl. And that sin hates goodness(so i must be in sin).

fun time :shifty:

[LilMissMetaphor]

I've been lucky enough not to be around TOO many crazily fundy people. A couple things though:

1) Someone I considered a close friend telling my then-fiance, now husband he would go to hell because he wasn't Christian. And that I couldn't marry someone from another culture/race--"it wouldn't work".

2) My brother and his wife had to stand up in front of their chosen church and confess their "sin" and "brokenness" before my nephew could be baptized. My SIL's crime was having an ex-husband. :roll:

[JesusFightClub]

Oh, I remembered another one. The fundie who told me Pokemon and Digimon were a Buddhist/Satanist conspiracy. Can't envisage those two groups playing well together, but that could just be me.

[MarsGirl]

I was date raped when I was 16. My drink was spiked. After, I didn't feel I could speak to my mother about the situation, especially since I was pregnant. So I went to my pastor's wife at the church I had just started attending (I had just moved), who asked me what I was wearing, and informed me good girls don't wear tank tops, and that was why I was raped. She also encouraged me not to report it and ruin some poor boy's reputation when I obviously invited it.

Needless to say, I had an abortion a few weeks later, and never told her or anyone in my family. I lived with a lot of pain and guilt from the abortion because of that experience.

OMG.

[Cran]

Well, Jack Chick thinks Islam, Communism and Fascism alike are conspiracies by the Catholics against TRUE CHRISTIANS , so I think this is rather sane. He has a tract about the dangers of D&D, too.

I wonder what they would think about my current obsession with the new Star Wars game, The Old Republic?

[liltwinstar]

Ooh, I've heard lots of crazy:

-orgasm is ok for men, because that's how they "spill their seed" for procreative purposes, but it isn't necessary for women (a married man said this! I would like his wife's opinion on the matter...)

-HIV doesn't cause AIDS (plus a whole bunch of other crazy stuff about AIDS/gayness/God's "judgement" because our pastor wrote a book about it)

-the earth is the center of the universe (not the sun) because God said "heaven is my throne and earth is my footstool" and duh, the earth can't be God's footstool if it's moving around the sun all the time.

-every conspiracy theory out there (practically) - the feds are trying to control education, the Illumanti are in charge of all political systems and banks, blah blah blah.

I guess I was (somewhat) lucky...no one ever said that I was the antichrist or whatever. I guess I blended in too well with fundie life, sadly.

[MarsGirl]

Jim Bob said that overpopulation is a myth. That's the craziest thing I've heard recently!

[dawbs]

I know I've blocked out most of what my one grandfather told me because I assumed he was being kooky (and really, he didn't believe 1/3 of what came out of his own mouth on a good day)...

but he did tell 8-year-old-me that I couldn't' go to heaven because I had my ears pierced because "if God had wanted you to have holes in your ears, you'd have been born with them."

(I told mom on him who told dad who gave him some sort of hell; grandpa had very strictly monitored access to us and was forbidden from discussing theology w/ us)

[Almost Quiverfull]

A 16 year old girl at the church I attended some 30 years ago was pregnant. She got kicked out of the Christian school and sent to live with an aunt. On one of her visits home she came to me with tears in her eyes and said that her mother told her that she would never be able to get married. Apparently this woman believed that sex=marriage so the girl was in effect already married to the father of her baby. She wanted to know what I thought. I think she came to me because I was the only unmarried 20 something attending the church and she felt most comfortable with me. Anyway, I told her that having a sexual relationship with someone doesn't mean you're married to that person and she would not be committing adultery if she were to ever get married.

One time I visited an Amish church with a friend of mine and then we went to eat dinner at the home of a young couple. After dinner we had a Bible study and they said they believed that if someone was divorced and then remarried that the only way they could ever be forgiven for the adultery was if they went back to the first spouse. If the first spouse would not have them back then they had to remain apart from the 2nd spouse and never marry again. I asked what would happen in the event there were children from the 2nd marriage. They said they had a friend from Jamaica who had just come "to know the Lord" and so he left his wife (it was a second marriage) and children and remained alone since he couldn't go back to his first wife. He still continued to support his children even though he could not live with their mother. What infuriated me was that they taught him this and encouraged him in this. I wonder if he ever came to his senses and realized that the Bible does not teach this.

[Haligh the Liar]

A fundie-lite girl I worked with and was sort of friends with in my early 20s told me that Jesus could restore my virginity and I would be physically and spiritually pure. I told her I had enough trouble getting rid of it the first time, I didn't need to go through it again.

[finleeport]

Mine was very different, but kinda offensive. Back in the late 90s, we had a traveling/missionary lady or whatever she was, she was carrying a bible and some Mary Poppins bag (she dressed up funny), she was singing psalms in our neighborhood and she had a chat with my mom. She was polite in her speech, but when she came to notice how weird I was acting (this was before I learned I had asperger syndrome) she said out loud to my mom "Is that little devil alright in the head?"

She then tried to touch my head and say her prayers over me, mumbling about demons come out or whatever. My Mom was furious and told her get her hand off of me but she keeps barking 'I'm tryin to save your demon-child' Now that infuriated my mom and she pushed her away and then she blah blah blah how dare you blah blah your child is possessed etc. They argued for so long that the whole neighborhood heard. Then the lady left furiously and muttering to herself with frustration.

She actually believed my disability was a demonic possession.

From what I remember how she looked, she was plump wearing glasses, earrings, and middle-aged with black-brown hair.

[ladypuglover]

Wait...what? Did those idiots ever even crack the Bible? Seriously; did they give you any idea as to their warped reasoning? (I'm guessing for the latter that it has to do with their skewed interpretation of "dominion," but the former makes no damned sense at all. The fu...)

The reason was that a Christian would focus on the needs of the church and its members first. Also that the "needy" were being punished by God and I was interfering with His will. That and a little ol' white woman touching these folks and listening to them was just plain icky.Oh, and I was also bad because I didn't use my time wisely by witnessing to them even though everyone already knows I am a Christian.

I was told that Jesus hated animals and my heart for all animals was going against the teachings as animals don't have a soul. I should spend my time rescueing the unsaved.

[kb2]

My sister is visibly physically disabled, and she gets proselytized to a lot. We think it's because she can't run away easily, so it makes her a comfortable and easy target--she has to listen to them until they go away. She is not super thrilled about it. We live in a very Baptist town, and she's, well, Baptist, so it mostly goes like, "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?" "Yes." "Well, let me read you a few Bible verses and tell you about Him..." :roll:

I had some college roommates who were fundie-lite, and one of their older sisters (late 20s) had an unplanned, unmarried baby. They way they talked about her, I thought she was mentally disabled ("There's no way she'll be able to care for a baby. She has no idea how to take care of a baby.* It's terrible that she's by herself and going to be responsible for a baby, she won't be able to handle it."), so I was shocked when I met her and she was actually a very average person. She had a job, her partner had a job (and was helping out and very involved), and despite the unplannedness of the pregnancy really she had pretty much everything going for her. But her sister/my roommate was extraordinarily shocked and appalled by the event. Anyway, one day her sister/my roommate announced that if you slept with someone, God saw you as married, so really the baby wasn't born outside of marriage. I thought she probably should have informed her own boyfriend of this, so he'd know that the girl he was sleeping with considered them married. But whatever.

*Sister and baby came to visit once. Baby cried for an hour.

Roommate: The baby cried for an hour this morning.

Sister: Yes, but I'd fed him, changed him, made sure he was warm, and was holding him the whole time, and it was just one of those times when babies cry.

Roommate: You can always stop a baby from crying.

Me: You know God is going to give all your future babies colic now, right?**

So I think their belief that she couldn't take care of a baby was not based on any actual baby-taking-care-of-knowledge.

**I didn't say that. But I should have.

edited to add a smiley

[mirele]

Let's see...

-When I was 14, I came home from school to my mother, who told me she had taken all of her meds. I ended up calling the cops. After they came, the lady next door had us stay with her until my dad could fetch us. She also proceeded to tell me the Campus Crusade Four Spiritual Laws. I did NOT need to know about Jesus right then, I needed to know my mother was going to live.

-When I was in my 30s, I went to the bishop of my Mormon ward to get a Temple recommend and he asked me if I masturbated. I fucking LIED, as it was none of his goddamned business. Interestingly enough, the stake councilor who did the other interview didn't ask me any questions of a probing nature.

I think I'm on the fast track to Outer Darkness, or some suburb nearby.

[Iamthatbean]

Oh, I remembered another one. The fundie who told me Pokemon and Digimon were a Buddhist/Satanist conspiracy. Can't envisage those two groups playing well together, but that could just be me.

That and Captain Planet.

[smores]

She's not quite a fundie, but I know someone who has a genetic disorder that will be harmful to a boy. She believes that since she is such a good Christian, God will only give her a girl. Of course, she can't get pregnant but she doesn't think God is saying anything by not getting her pregnant....

[Sister Mary Savage]

Well, I've never had this said to me personally but I heard another quiverful fundy on a documentry state that it was the sole responsibility of Christians to "create God's kingdom". She basically believed that she must pump out and indoctrinate as many children as possible and taught her daughters to be helpmates for their husbands with no other options in life. Then, her pre-teen daughter went on to spout some line about feeling "privlaged" to raise her younger siblings and be a helpmate in training. I wanted to puke! :snooty:

[LeatherCouch]

When my sister was a child my mother was convinced that Sesame Street made her violent because it had some sort of demonic influence. She took her to the church to be anointed, to get rid of the demon, and then of course the offending show was off limits. My guess is it was over stimulating her senses, as she has some issues with that even as an adult.

When my now husband and I were dating we were called up front during a church service and prayed over. It seems we needed forgiveness and for our hearts to be cleansed. It was implied we were having sex. My guess is my mother suspected we were having sex and said something to the pastor who decided that a good public embarrassment was the ticket.

A different preacher/pastor told us that we should reconsider adopting our now son because he had special needs, and we really didn't want to burden ourselves, did we? The man had a special needs son of his own, who he was clearly embarrassed by and treated like a burden :(

[holierthanyou]

So much crazy stuff here, some sad, and some just funny.

I want to give an official Most Ridiculous Award to that man who was having gay sex dreams, and decided that "obviously" the way to interpret that is that the man he was having sex dreams about must be gay. Right....

[Jezebel]

Mine are pretty innocuous. That's what I get for mostly living in enclaves of godlessness most of my life. :lol:

My Very First Fundie (or close enough) was the girl across the street when I was very little. There weren't many kids in our neighborhood, so despite our age difference (she was 2 or 3 years older), we played together a lot. I was aware that her family went to church every Sunday, prayed over their food, and believed in God and Jesus, but didn't really think anything of it beyond the fact that the Bible stories she read to me and said were true sounded made-up, like fairy tales. I went along to Sunday school with her once, but didn't find it all that exciting and didn't ask to go back. Her parents seemed really old and stuffy, and her mom had all kinds of rules. I was allowed to go over to their house at any time, but she wasn't allowed to set foot in anyone else's.

I clearly remember us sitting on my front lawn one day not long before Christmas, talking about what we wanted. I think I was about 5-1/2 by then, and she was almost 8. At some point, she told me, very solemnly, that I had to be good and pray to Jesus, because Jesus was the one who told Santa which kids were bad and which were good. And she was serious.

I wasn't sure what to say to her, so I said nothing because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. The previous Christmas, I awoke in the middle of the night and caught my mom sneaking down the hall with the filled stockings for my brother and I. She laughed about it and admitted that Santa was just a fun story parents told kids when they were little, but he didn't really exist. She let me eat one of Santa's cookies, and I went back to bed. It was no big deal.

So when my friend told me about the whole Jesus-Santa link, I already knew that Santa wasn't real. Therefore, I decided, Jesus wasn't real, nor was God, nor were all the Bible stories I'd had a hard time believing. I thus ended up an atheist at a very early age, and it was kind of a relief because a lot of those Bible stories were really disturbing ("God flooded the whole earth and killed everyone? Even the animals, who didn't do anything wrong?" "Yep. All of them.").

-----

The other one happened when I was in my late 20s and working in a supermarket. For lunch one day, I bought myself a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. While sitting in the break room, one of my co-workers informed me that she wouldn't eat Ben & Jerry's because her pastor had told her they were part of "a Buddhist cult." She couldn't name the cult, knew nothing about Buddhism, and thought those were irrelevant details--that they were "dabbling in dehumanizing Eastern religions" was dangerous, lest they be possessed by demons.

Then she told me about Bob Larson's radio show, which was on the local Christian station in the afternoons. She listened to it on her drive home every day, and urged me to. So of course I tuned in, because I'm all for listening to crazy shit, and that was my drive-time laugh-and-destress therapy for the remaining few weeks I worked at that store. Funny as it was, though, it was still kind of unnerving to think that this naive, sweetness-and-light, 50-something grandmother believed everything Larson said, and considered herself a "spiritual warrior."

[Aurora]

Not exactly a crazy statement but today I walked into a specialist doctor's office that I hadn't been to before, and the first thing I passed before even getting to the receptionist's desk was a large revolving rack full of softcover books/pamphlets/tracts about Jesus. Most were thicker than tracts, like actual books, but with several copies as if patients were encouraged to take some. I was like :shock: what the heck is that?

The rack was separated from the chairs in the waiting area by a couple of feet and no-one else seemed to be looking at the books, in fact they looked a little dusty. But it was strange to see in a doctor's office. The doctor seemed normal, the receptionist a little ruder than the usual. One of the nurses wore a long skirt, which pinged my fundydar a bit, but the receptionist had short hair and wore pants, so... just gung-ho Christian I guess.

[MarsGirl]

Oh, God, Bob Larson. I forgot about him!! I used to listen to him too! Entertainment. I do tune into Focus On The Family when I'm bored on long road trips... It's good for a giggle... when you're not thinking about how there are actually people who believe that stuff...

[Avalondaughter]

Fuckers

Yeah. That sums it up! :x Sorry you had to go through that Alecto!

[genericJname]

When my son was a week old in the NICU with a very serious heart defect (basically missing a ventricle) a friend of mine wanted to visit and her father, a pastor, was in town to visit her so he tagged along. We were talking about his condition and the surgical plan. At one point, she had stepped away for a minute and her dad started telling us that we were sinful. (I had become pregnant a few months before our wedding.) He said that he didn't care about the surgery, because he knew that as soon as we had a repentant spirit, our son's heart would miraculously be healed. :x