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Abortion, Adoption and Postsecret


Boogalou

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This secret appeared on Postsecret today.

ALONE.jpg

With the following beneath it:

-----Email-----

Hi Frank - My husband and I are not able to have children. Or at least I'm not. I had my 2nd ectopic pregnancy the day before Thanksgiving and they took my last fallopian tube. I would love to get my contact info to the poster of the abortion secret in case she changes her mind and considers adoption. We would make amazing parents!

[removed email]

(Leaving the email in because it's already been made widely available on-line.) Postsecret is often a lot to read all at once and it is hard to sort out exactly what I'm thinking but I thought is might be interesting to discuss. On the one hand it's nice that the woman is offering to adopt and I would imagine that she would be quite emotional but on the other hand I really don't find it appropriate. I feel for the OP though and the emailer as well. Any thoughts on this?

Edited to remove email since the original one has now been taken down.

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The e-mailer is entirely out of line. It's presumptuous and condescending to assume that the poster will change her mind, as if she hasn't thought enough about her choices already, and it's completely inappropriate to ask a complete stranger to adopt her baby on a public website that is not intended for these kinds of requests and interactions. "We would make amazing parents!" just makes it more annoying, using one woman's confession to bolster your sense of self-worth.

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The e-mailer is entirely out of line. It's presumptuous and condescending to assume that the poster will change her mind, as if she hasn't thought enough about her choices already, and it's completely inappropriate to ask a complete stranger to adopt her baby on a public website that is not intended for these kinds of requests and interactions. "We would make amazing parents!" just makes it more annoying, using one woman's confession to bolster your sense of self-worth.

This. Entirely this.

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I think it's inappropriate. I would assume the poster has gone through all options in her mind. She's made her decision. Seems rather odd to reply to the posting. The person who replied should figure out another means to adopt rather than via postsecret. Also, the replier probably has not even thought about the feelings of the poster when making this comment.

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The e-mailer is entirely out of line. It's presumptuous and condescending to assume that the poster will change her mind, as if she hasn't thought enough about her choices already, and it's completely inappropriate to ask a complete stranger to adopt her baby on a public website that is not intended for these kinds of requests and interactions. "We would make amazing parents!" just makes it more annoying, using one woman's confession to bolster your sense of self-worth.

Yes this times 10, and if she actually mailed the secret to PS, it is probably over and done with now.

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The reply is beyond inappropriate. There are many other venues to look into adoption, etc. than an anonymous site on the internet. And it's up to the woman whose body is carrying the fetus to make the call if she wants to abort, put up for adoption or continue the pregnancy. It also comes off as a bit of guilt tripping.

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Newsflash: everyone knows about adoption. We do not need CPCs or hopeful parents to tell us, we already know tyvm. Most of us personally know couples who are looking to adopt. I mean, really.

It is inappropriate to confront someone who has already made their choice and try to convince them otherwise. I had a classmate get pregnant her freshman year and all of the teachers were dropping hints IN CLASS about how they or their best friends would love to adopt and are on waiting lists. Really, people. Enough already. (this girl did give her baby up for adoption, but she and the father chose a family themselves)

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The e-mailer is entirely out of line. It's presumptuous and condescending to assume that the poster will change her mind, as if she hasn't thought enough about her choices already, and it's completely inappropriate to ask a complete stranger to adopt her baby on a public website that is not intended for these kinds of requests and interactions. "We would make amazing parents!" just makes it more annoying, using one woman's confession to bolster your sense of self-worth.

Adoptive parent here, agree with above.

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Ok, pretty much my thoughts. But then I thought, and I might be totally crazy here, that the emailer basically wanted to "get her name out there", I guess. Postsecret has about 1 million people reading it every week so she might have been hoping one of them would see her email and ask her to adopt and that might be what Frank was thinking too. I don't know though. I don't like when emails are posted under the secrets anyway, I think it detracts from what is being said.

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I would assume the abortion has already happened. And even if it hasn't happened the decision has been made already. Very rude and not at all thinking about the poor girl who sounded pretty sad.

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Boogaloo, that's a pretty charitable interpretation, and it's still a shitty thing to do - someone posted about feeling alone, and the emailer thought "YAY! AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO GET MY NAME OUT THERE!"

The other options are even worse, but that one starts out bad.

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When I saw this on postsecret this morning, I originally felt really angry at the commenter. I still believe she was way out of line, but now I just feel sad for everyone involved. When motherhood is considered the highest (and often only) calling for women, no one wins. I hope they all find peace (and that the commenter someday realizes she was in the wrong here...).

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Boogaloo, that's a pretty charitable interpretation, and it's still a shitty thing to do - someone posted about feeling alone, and the emailer thought "YAY! AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO GET MY NAME OUT THERE!"

The other options are even worse, but that one starts out bad.

I try to find the best in people, I guess. And when you put it like that it does sound even worse. I can't really believe that the email was posted under the secret, it really shouldn't have been.

The Postsecret community is discussing it if anyone cares to take a look.

The original secret: http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat ... p?t=352029

The email comment:http://www.postsecretcommunity.com/chat/viewtopic.php?t=352087

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At a minimum it seems this "hey! You can just give the baby to me!" person seems to think that the baby would either be aborted or born right this week so it's no big problem either way, or what in the hell...?

It so doesn't work like that!

Makes me thinking the offer isn't only rude but just really, really over the top either clueless or purposely obtuse.

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The latest from the commenter:

----Email-----

Hi Frank - Can you please take down my email? I'm getting hate mail. I guess it wasn't the right thing to do. Thank you!

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Sure, I guess it's weird, but I'm old and think that the whole concept of posting "secret" and incredibly personal information on the internet for the whole world to see is also weird. A public internet board is not a private therapy session.

I also know that I was in an altered state of mind following my miscarriages, and that I had to hold my tongue when my sister was telling me about her friend's effort to get her teenage sister an abortion. I had always been staunchly and vocally pro-choice, so my sister had no reason to suspect that there was a voice inside my head suddenly screaming NOOOOOO! So, I honestly don't know how I would have been if I not only had a loss, but became infertile and faced the prospect of never having my own child.

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Adoptive parent here, completely and utterly disgusting. Beyond inappropriate to prey on someone at a vulnerable time looking to capitalize on her turmoil.

Sick.

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For some reason I didn't get the impression this person was being sincere in their adoption offer. To me it was just a way to guilt trip the woman getting an abortion....JMO.

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It seems like kind of a weird thing to do .. but she did say she had JUST had her 2nd fallopian tube removed last week, getting rid of all chances of conceiving.. I would think she might just be in shock and mourning and came across this on the internet and decided it was worth a shot.

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It seems like kind of a weird thing to do .. but she did say she had JUST had her 2nd fallopian tube removed last week, getting rid of all chances of conceiving.. I would think she might just be in shock and mourning and came across this on the internet and decided it was worth a shot.

This. It was the wrong thing to do, but the person making the adoption offer was not in the best place in their life, either. If I were only a week out from a miscarriage + being told there's no chance I could ever have children, I might do stupid things on the internet too.

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That's just bizarre. "Oh, hey--you don't want that baby? I'll take it!"

I know that for most women who find out they can't have kids, it's devastating. It's not something that can be "gotten over" easily, and some never get over it. And I know that grief can make people a bit crazy for a while. Merry just found out at Thanksgiving. Happy Fucking Holidays, man. I don't doubt she's still grief-stricken, and maybe desperate for some hope, if not an immediate solution. So I'll cut her some slack.

But over the years I've seen some infertile women do things like this, and I've seen it far too often. "I can't have children, but you can--so if you don't want the one you're pregnant with you should give it to me!" Seriously, have they never seen another woman go through a full-term pregnancy? Do they not understand what it entails?

I've seen some of them rage against women who choose to abort, rather than carry babies--that they could have adopted!--to term. It's like they're so focused on their own loss that they can't put themselves in another woman's shoes. They can't wrap their heads around the idea that a woman with an unplanned pregnancy still has an entire life of her own, with all the relationships and responsibilities that go with that, and that bearing the child and giving it up for adoption would be immensely disruptive (if not destructive) at just about every level. They don't see that--they only see the baby they long for, not the woman they expect to carry it.

I've never had anyone get angry at me because I wouldn't volunteer to donate a kidney for a stranger. But when I was younger I had infertile women get angry at me (or women like me) because when faced with an unplanned pregnancy I elected to end it, rather than let them (or people like them) adopt my unwanted kid. And I've never ceased to be stunned at how blindly insistent some women can be when insisting that other women ought to provide them with children.

So I do feel bad for Merry, because that's heartbreaking. But I really hope that she can stop seeing other women's unplanned, unwanted pregnancies--their heartbreak--as potential opportunities to get the child she longs for.

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