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"God Wants To Know" Satisfaction Survey


Marian the Librarian

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In the spirit of several fundie pre-courtship quiz-downs discussed here, I offer the following (found on a friend's refrigerator during TG merrymaking!):

God Wants To Know

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you desire a direct response to your comments or suggestions.

1. How did you first find out about God?

- newspaper

- television

- word of mouth

- Divine inspiration

- other:__________

2. Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration, security or guidance in addition to God? Please check all that apply:

- none

- tarot

- fortune cookies

- horoscopes

- self-help books

- biorhythms

- insurance policies

- lottery

- television

- advice columns

- sex

- alcohol

- other:__________

3. God generally employs a limited amount of Divine Intervention to keep a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer (circle one):

- More Divine Intervention

- Less Divine Intervention

- Current level of Divine Intervention just right

- Don't know

4. God attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following:

A. Disaster (flood, famine, war)

1. dissatisfactory

2. poor

3. average

4. good

5. excellent

B. Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sports upsets)

1. dissatisfactory

2. poor

3. average

4. good

5. excellent

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

Thank you!!

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But... God knows everything. lol

Okay fine I'll answer them.

1: I grew up in church. And I have always believed theres SOMETHING out there. I don't believe in chance and coincidence.

2: I like to look at fortune cookies and horoscopes. I usually laugh them off... although there was a brief period my horoscope was spot on and it scared me a little lol. I was like "What are you trying to tell me God!?" Cause my horoscope is always wrong. And this time it was dead on. So it seemed a little bit like divine intervention to me haha.

3: Ok thats freaky, I hadnt even read this question yet when I answered the last one, so my use of divine intervention was totally not because of this. However, I would like just a tiny bit more divine intervention... at least with that one problem I've been struggling with the most. Perhaps a nice frying pan to the head to myself or the involved parties to make whoever needs to see the light see it?

4A: 5

4B: I'd have to say a 4, because I've been seeing a bunch of healing at my church, and its amazing. Now, if you could cure my momma and a dear friend of mine, I'd give you a 5

5: Ummm... make me get over my biggest fear. Hey wait... is this going on my permanent record? Like, answering this isnt gonna get me in trouble cause I gave you a 4 instead of a 5 on the miracle thing, right?

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This reminds me of the Libertarian quiz that is full of questions so loaded that you can't possibly answer wrong. At least this would be easy for any fundie boy to pass.

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1. How did you first find out about God?

- other:Church, I suppose, which is also where I found out that I did not believe in a God type entity.

2. Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration, security or guidance in addition to God? Please check all that apply:

- tarot

- fortune cookies

- horoscopes

- insurance policies

- lottery

- television

- advice columns

- sex

- alcohol

- other:Trashy Romance novels

3. God generally employs a limited amount of Divine Intervention to keep a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer (circle one):

Not applicable.

4. God attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following:

A. Disaster (flood, famine, war)

1. dissatisfactory- seriously, when was the last time an actual continent sank? I'm looking at you Atlantis.

B. Miracles (recovery from disease, heroic rescues, sports upsets)

1. dissatisfactory- case in point- the disastrous end of the Red Sox 2011 season. There is no God for them to have fallen apart like that.

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? More unicorns would be delightful.

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1~ Other. I was just herding my sheeps and this bush was all "AH I ARE ON FIRES!! GIMME UR LOYALTIES!"

2~fortune cookies, tea leaves, People Magazine, and the homeless man Down on First Street

3~ More Intervention Please! I just feel like not enough people infringe on my free will as it is!

4a Disasters? What Disasters? I live in A.M.E.R.I.C.A. Land of the free, home of the blind-to-others' pain-and-suffering. We haven't had a disaster since 9-11. Katrina didn't count. They got free indoor pools. Whiners.

4b I have Steve Wilkos, Family Court, TMZ AND Greys Anatomy. What more could I ask for in a Miracle?

5 The CrissCut fries are amazing! When are we gonna get one of these in Yakima? I don't want to have to drive all the way to the TriCities. No wait.. That was supposed to go on my Carls Jr. Comment Card. As for god, this bitch is doin a dope job of bein the phat chuuch our ghetto be needin. Duces.

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This reminds me of the Libertarian quiz that is full of questions so loaded that you can't possibly answer wrong. At least this would be easy for any fundie boy to pass.

That would be the smallest political quiz in the world I bet! (that really is its name)

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